Please help with something I've done

[Ashamed86]

Hi,

I honestly don't know what to do and if this is the right place to be posting but something pretty awful happened today and I'm feeling very ashamed and completely disturbed, as I should be tbh .

First of all I should say that I do watch porn and I like quite rough sex/ submissive scenarios. I'm female. I know a lot of people would disagree with porn and those particular fantasies and I'm starting to think maybe I agree, particularly after today.

Anyway what happened is that I accidentally watched something I really really shouldn't have. I won't go into any details, it didn't involve children or animals or anything but basically it turned out towards the end to not be what I'd thought at all. In a very disturbing way.

I feel shellshocked tbh and like the worst person ever for having viewed it, it did not turn me on in any way and I would never ever seek that out but I feel complicit in something awful and just totally ashamed. I don't know what to do. I can't really quite believe it. Apart from the fact that it's forever in my internet browsing history which is worrying in a different sense, I just don't feel I can process this alone but I can't talk to anyone either. Can anyone please help or advise?

Story of O is an excellent example of a good book with content that is something you would never want to actually see onscreen. There are so many more possibilities when you can just follow your imagination.

Histinyhands, a lot of people are turned on by that type of sex and as long as it is fully consensual and safe I don't think your point is fair.

Okay, so you didn't just start a thread called 'help with something I've done' and your username is not Ashamed.

Right.

Right, because I clearly drew a distinction between two different things. I know you don't agree with that, but it's obvious what I meant.

Are you saying you were deliberately looking for stuff that wasn't fully consensual, you were deliberately looking for nasty stuff?

histinyhandsarefrozen
Was that actually necessary?

Many women watch porn. Many women are more submissive in the bedroom.

Either way, the OP did not ask for the world to give their view of porn. She asked for advice on a situation that's shaken her and all you've done is jumped on your judgey box and been sarcastic to her.

OP If you have any doubt, pass it on and then at least it's for somebody else to make that call.
Delete your browsing history and move on. You are not a bad person and I fear you'll need to develop a thick skin on this thread as people turn up and turn it into a "reasons the OP is clearly in favour of sexual violence to women".
Might be best to avoid coming back to this thread if it gets to p3/4 as most replies will probably just be a bun fight about people's view of porn

Was what absolutely necessary? Can you explain what I've said that is so offensive to you?

OP has just found out that actually she has got no fucking idea if what she watches is fully consensual or safe. She knows this for sure now: she is having nightmares about it - yet she and others still wants to argue that her little hobby is harmless. Nice one.

It's just awful when you get your little bubble burst, isn't it ?

People get hurt so you can get your orgasm. Deal with it.

This-

You carry on nicely providing a market for rough sex/submissive sex porn, honey, clearly there are no repercussions for people in it or wider society at all, no, no, no.

Instead of actually helping the OP or being constructive you went straight for the predictable 'I'm so enlightened because I don't watch porn and everything you watch is clearly not consensual and wrecks society. Have a lovely day'.

Some women share their personal tapes out of choice, some have sexual preferences that I consider deviant and obscure, some are forced into it, some are exploited, some do well out of it

I really wish on sex threads people would stop taking the worst scenario and then presenting it as the only valid view of a situation.

Take a couple who've read 50 share and who admit to a bit of submissive play. I wouldn't say if they chose to release a tape that's a harmful thing.

You clearly have an issue with a sexual preference you don't like and you have an issue with porn.

Personally, (though the OP hasn't asked for a debate on the ethics of porn) I'm of the view that what goes on between 2 consenting adults isn't my concern as long as it's legal.

The OP has clearly found something that disturbs her. I've heard of things that make me feel sick. But if they're legal and between 2 consenting adults then it's not my place to decide they are destroying society and ruining women.

And for the record (before the "but they aren't consenting argument), who are we to decide from the outside with ZERO evidence otherwise that it was non-consentual?

I've read a disturbing article about some bizarre kicks people have. They play the scene and they have a safe word. Much as I think that's distressing and traumatic, it's clearly a scene that some people like. Not my place to say it's not consensual.

Are you saying you were deliberately looking for stuff that wasn't fully consensual, you were deliberately looking for nasty stuff?

No, I wasn't saying that at all.

Anyway, I'm out of this thread now.

Probably best OP. It's clearly going you turn into a bun fight about whether people are for or against porn and anything that isn't 'porn is universally terrible' will just get pounced on.

Not surprising on Mumsnet. But thank you for the helpful links and posts. I'm just going to try and forget about it, I honestly didn't intend to watch something awful and I know I don't deserve any sympathy for being an idiot but I will be much more careful in future. I wouldn't consider that it was porn, it was images of sexual abuse in the same way as anything involving children is child abuse imagery not 'child porn'.

And I know the porn industry isn't whiter than white but the same can be said for many other things unfortunately. I do think it probably needs to be better regulated but this was something else .

And you stumbled across it during your innocent meanderings around the world of lovely, carey sharey, cuddly consensual images of sexual abuse. What bad luck.

That's very unfortunate for you...and most unfair for you to have to confront that nasty reality

Never mind. You keep on supporting the porn industry and hopefully just those images you can't be 100% are consensual will be all you need to get yourself off.

What's a couple of percent between friends, huh ?

Is there really any need to be so vile to the OP, she clearly is upset by what she has seen and has reported it.

The thing is, I have seen lots of porn and for reasons surrounding consent, coercion and general bad attitude towards women I made the decision that I would no longer be supporting this industry. I have seen stuff that I have found disturbing, thankfully nothing to do with under age or anything quite so untoward, but still. I don't watch it anymore because it is increasingly hard to avoid and I really do need to know its consensual 100%. I REFUSE to be made to feel ashamed of the fact that I did this, it was in a difficult stage in my life and I think it was a symptom of where I was at with self esteem etc but I am fucked if I am going to justify it to anyone here.

What I will say is this, I am far more disturbed by things I see on my TV screen, that naice middle class women get their jollies watching, every single day on your normal TV programs, graphic violence, psychologically disturbing content as entertainment. Its not "real" so its perfectly fine to watch people being stabbed and shot and tortured because its a slasher movie and just pretend. What sort of person is entertained by THAT?

I haven't bothered to name change because ive done nothing that I am ashamed of. I don't blame the OP for not coming back.

I'm sorry this happened to you, ignore all those who are shaming you for watching porn. While I disagree with there stance, because they couldn't possibly know the story's behind all the performers, that isn't what is important now.

Give yourself sometime to process it, then go back with a clear mind and see what you want to do.

Try erotica in future, the story of O. Or anything by Anne Rice. There are lots of free Ebooks on kindle too

Anyone who admits to watching porn gets slammed on MN. It's fairly standard.

It's just awful when you get your little bubble burst, isn't it?

Yes it is. The OP got a big shock and now has some thinking to do. Why be a dick to her?

Poem is inherently exploitative so no wonder that when you watch it you see somebody bring exploited. It really shouldn't be a shock and the op gets very little sympathy from me.

Op is taking the stance that something horrible happened to her

Missing the point somewhat, huh ?

OP - well done for reporting

Well done op reporting it is the way to go.
For what it's worth I enjoy a little porn too but stick to the more controlled sites mentioned above

Don't mind AnyFucker she's like the simon cowell of mumsnet, tries to be deliberately nasty 🙄

Well done for reporting, it was the right (and only) thing to do.

I've watched "normal" porn, I don't watch it now to be honest as most of it is disgusting and exploitative.

I've heard re snuff films if that was what you saw that the vast majority are faked and there's no actual death involved. I've never seen one, nor do I want to, but I know when I was younger years ago there was talk about snuff movies. I researched it I think 2-3 years ago and consensus was they're staged. As to how true that is, I'm not sure.