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Original poster

the big 'o'

71 replies

NotAMamaYet · 10/05/2016 11:48

I can't orgasm.

I've been with my current boyfriend for over two years now and we have a great relationship. He's caring and attentive in the bedroom, we have loads of fun, we've just moving into a new house.. Life is good

However, I just don't seem to have the ability to climax. When I met my boyfriend we put it down to my relative lack of sexual experience and he told me that it takes time etc and we just got on with it.

Two years on and we're still giving it time. We had sex last night (sorry if tmi) and it was fab as it always is but I can't shake the feeling that sometimes he's just waiting for it to happen and is ... disappointed when it doesn't. I got a bit upset and we had a frank conversation where he admitted he thought that it would have happened by now. We both feel like it's close (although I'm not sure HOW I know that it is close as I've never had one) but every time I just can't kick myself over the edge

I have some body hang ups which maybe don't help psychologically but I'm trying to lose weight... Had some issues with mental health but these are mostly under control now .. Not sure if this is relevant

My boyfriend said last night that the reason I'm always 'up for it' - I'd happily have sex several times a day if he let me Grin - is that I don't get this release that an orgasm would give me

Just wondering if this scenario rings true with anyone else? Am I destined to never have one? How do I have one? What's a foolproof way? I've googled it and masturbation is suggested a lot but honestly I just don't know how/ what/to do.... It's never been something I've done.

Sorry for the long post. Maybe just feel better even writing it down

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/05/2016 12:18

You need to get to know yourself first!

gamerchick · 10/05/2016 12:21

Yeah you need to know what gets you ther first although a skilled lover can help.

Are you just expecting one just from penetration? An awful lot of woman never climax that way.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 10/05/2016 13:12

That's what he said, but to be honest although I've had other sexual partners I only ever started to enjoy sex with my current boyfriend

Masturbation just doesn't do anything for me...

I don't expect it just by penetration as I know that that's quite uncommon... We do a lot of foreplay but the feeling of 'nearly getting there' only happens when we are actually having sex

OP posts:
almostthirty · 10/05/2016 13:15

Could you use a small vibrater or toy ?

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 10/05/2016 13:25

Hi almost thirty, probably should have mentioned that I have tried with a vibrator

I bought one on my own ie without him knowing and tried it out but again just didn't do anything for me. Not sure if I should have gotten a better one or something. Was a bit lost on the website to be honest

OP posts:
Raxacoricofallapatorius · 10/05/2016 13:29
Smile

I didn't have an orgasm until I was 34. Masturbation does nowt for me either.

I bought a rabbit in the end. I still can't orgasm with my partner and it's been 17 years.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 10/05/2016 13:33

Ah raxa !!

Not sure if that makes me happy or sad but I'm glad you finally got there in the end

I guess another thing I'm concerned about is the fact I can't help but shake the feeling that it gets to my boyfriend. Is it something you're open about with your partner? Does he mind?

OP posts:
DontKnowWhatImDoingHere · 10/05/2016 13:36

I was past 30 before I had my first orgasm. Oral sex is best for me .. With lots and lots of wet licking (sorry, tmi).

I have a vibrator (rabbit) and sometimes orgasm, but it's hard work

Cel982 · 10/05/2016 13:43

It took me ages to orgasm when I first started having them. Like, it could be up to an hour of masturbation before it would happen. Then, as I got to know what worked for me and what didn't, I got much more efficient at it. And the same when I started having them with my partner. It really is something you have to practise.

The only thing that's ever worked for me is manual stimulation, never oral or PIV.

I think you should start exploring your body by yourself, when you have lots of time and won't be disturbed. Get into bed, candles, music, the works. Don't put any pressure on yourself to reach a specific goal, you're just seeing what feels good. It's likely to take much longer than you expect at first. It's totally worth it, though Wink

Raxacoricofallapatorius · 10/05/2016 13:48

He worried for me iyswim. He wanted me to feel fulfilled. He never felt like it was his fault or questioned me or got upset or angry. We are 100% open about it.

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 10/05/2016 13:48

You need to make sure you're turned on before you even touch yourself. Read an erotic novel or watch a sexy scene in a film. Have a bath beforehand and shave your undercarriage (not obligatory but I find it helps)
Use the vibrator (have you got a little one like a bullet?) gently and at the same time push and squeeze your pelvic floor/vagina muscles. Squeeze in then push out gently. Do this while gently rubbing your clitoris with the bullet and you have a very good chance of orgasming. Remember orgasm is a muscular contraction and once you have taught your muscles to do it it becomes much easier! It's not a magic unattainable thing, it's a physical process and can be learnt.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 10/05/2016 14:16

Thanks for all the messages

I guess the resounding message is to practise which I suppose is like anything. The only thing I'm doubtful of is that I literally don't feel anything when I do it myself. Could be something that I should focus on though..

I sort of had it in my head now that he would be the person it would first happen with though which I guess seems silly

I do have a small bullet... Would this definitely be the best thing to start out with? Is there a specific brand which is best? Not sure what a rabbit is??

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 10/05/2016 14:16

Thanks JonSnow for the ideas re: what to do. I literally don't even know where to start so that's really helpful

OP posts:
Boogers · 10/05/2016 14:21

You mention mental health difficulties in the past - are you taking citalopram by any chance? I took this several years ago and completely lost the ability to orgasm, either on my own or with H. Could that be an issue?

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 10/05/2016 14:34

Boogers no I'm not, was taking 100mg of sertraline for a while but came off them about 6months ago

They did have some negative side effects but nothing directly impacting sex life as far as I can recall) put on loads of weight though but made me more reluctant to be physical with boyfriend)

Googling shows me its primary orgasmic disfunction as I've never had one..

OP posts:
JonSnowsBeardClippings · 10/05/2016 14:47

I'm not sure whether I would go for a rabbit straight off! Although a larger vibrator for penetration might be good if you find penetration arousing.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/05/2016 15:00

Mini rabbit might be OK.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 10/05/2016 16:20

Just had a look at rabbits Confused do they actually work?? They look... Scary!! Will it be able to do something that my boyfriend couldn't? I don't really get them

So the general consensus is that everybody can and that its just something that might take some people longer than others? I know Google is full of rubbish but it does say that some people just can't and never will! Is that possible?

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/05/2016 16:58

I think you need to stop googling, stop stressing and start discovering what pleases you by yourself.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/05/2016 16:59

And yes, there's a reason the Rabbit is very popular!

backonthebikeagain · 10/05/2016 17:06

I could have written your post! I have orgasmed with previous partners a few times through piv. I think it's a control thing for me, I hate the thought of letting go. My new partner is very like yours, he really wants me to orgasm but then I feel the pressure. I'm starting to relax with him now so hope it will happen!

It certainly isn't like in films for everyone ;)

RealityCheque · 10/05/2016 17:18

Hitachi magic wand. (Or similar). Practically guaranteed orgasm, ime!

RealityCheque · 10/05/2016 17:20

Will it be able to do something that my boyfriend couldn't?

Unless your boyfriend's cock has vibrating ears that stimulate your clit then yes, yes it will.

SaveSomeSpendSome · 10/05/2016 17:25

My boyfriend said last night that the reason I'm always 'up for it' - I'd happily have sex several times a day if he let me grin - is that I don't get this release that an orgasm would give me

This is very true!!

If i dont orgasm (very rare) then i feel so frustrated that i need sex again within a short space of time as i didnt get the relief.

When i orgasm all sexual feeling goes completely and i dont want to carry on more than afew mins after orgasm.

I ve no idea what its like to not orgasm as i think i ve only ever not orgasmed 3 times during sex in my whole life.

When you have sex, are you thinking about something that really turns you on? I would concentrate on really thinking about something that turns you on when having sex and zone yourself out.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 10/05/2016 18:07

I think I should too but easier said than done DameDi! I think my ideas around what the orgasm is and how it occurs hasn't (or hadn't until now, or very recently) evolved much since I was at school... Embarrassing

Reality no ears to speak of.... refrains from other facial orientated penis joke Wink

OP posts:

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