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Original poster

the big 'o'

71 replies

NotAMamaYet · 10/05/2016 11:48

I can't orgasm.

I've been with my current boyfriend for over two years now and we have a great relationship. He's caring and attentive in the bedroom, we have loads of fun, we've just moving into a new house.. Life is good

However, I just don't seem to have the ability to climax. When I met my boyfriend we put it down to my relative lack of sexual experience and he told me that it takes time etc and we just got on with it.

Two years on and we're still giving it time. We had sex last night (sorry if tmi) and it was fab as it always is but I can't shake the feeling that sometimes he's just waiting for it to happen and is ... disappointed when it doesn't. I got a bit upset and we had a frank conversation where he admitted he thought that it would have happened by now. We both feel like it's close (although I'm not sure HOW I know that it is close as I've never had one) but every time I just can't kick myself over the edge

I have some body hang ups which maybe don't help psychologically but I'm trying to lose weight... Had some issues with mental health but these are mostly under control now .. Not sure if this is relevant

My boyfriend said last night that the reason I'm always 'up for it' - I'd happily have sex several times a day if he let me Grin - is that I don't get this release that an orgasm would give me

Just wondering if this scenario rings true with anyone else? Am I destined to never have one? How do I have one? What's a foolproof way? I've googled it and masturbation is suggested a lot but honestly I just don't know how/ what/to do.... It's never been something I've done.

Sorry for the long post. Maybe just feel better even writing it down

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 10/05/2016 18:09

Save it makes sense doesn't it

I find it hard to focus on anything BUT the moment ie if the house was burning down I probably wouldn't notice. This is something my boyfriend picked up on but he suggested I maybe just lose myself a bit too much... Not sure. He said I should maybe focus on my breathing

And like I said before I guess body hang ups come into play even in the heat of the moment. Self esteem isn't something I've ever possessed although many would say I'm hugely confident and outgoing I am quite self critical. Again, bf suggested this would play a part in me not being able to 'let go'

OP posts:
SaveSomeSpendSome · 10/05/2016 18:13

If its body hang ups, how about having sex for a while in darkness?

Also if dh is staring at me during sex it puts me off.

Dirty talk can also make me orgasm within seconds! So try that

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/05/2016 18:54

It's all worth knowing that orgasms vary , sometimes they're just a pleasant release and other times they take your breath away they're so intense. It's not always movie type gasping and moaning.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 10/05/2016 21:18

We always have sex in the dark and that's him not me! He thinks I'm being ridiculous when I give my body as a reason to be insecure though ....

Interesting that you say that though DameDi ... I knew some weren't as strong as others...... I've had several times - maybe two or three - where (warning TMI) there's been a lot of liquid. Blush like much more than any usual lubrication. Could this have been an orgasm? Didn't do much as feel like what I imagine one would feel like, definitely no intense feelings of pleasure although it obviously felt nice. I guess that's what you're saying about varying...

The only thing is boyfriend said I'd know when it happened.... (Although not pretending he's the font of all knowledge, hence why I came to Mumsnet!!!)

OP posts:
JonSnowsBeardClippings · 10/05/2016 21:32

The release of liquid isn't necessarily linked to orgasm, it's mostly due to stimulation of the g spot. Some people orgasm through g spot stimulation but I never have, just ejaculated an embarrassing amount of liquid Blush
You probably will know if you orgasm. Even a very light one will feel like something particular and different to anything else. The muscles of your vagina will flutter/ripple and it will feel anywhere between pleasant and omg seeing stars!

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 10/05/2016 23:03

Is citalopram really that powerful? (I take it, I hadn't realised)

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/05/2016 23:21

It's like that feeling when you need to sneeze and it builds up more intensely then when it can't build up any more you orgasm ( sneeze!Wink) and your muscles contract. You will be in no doubt when it happens.

nudeynuderson · 10/05/2016 23:53

Defo get yourself a rabbit. I have orgasmed only once in my life without one. We just use the rabbit during sex/with each other so it still involves the partner. Erotic novels are also excellent for getting in the mood. No other vibrators have worked for me apart from the rabbit. Give it a try with the rabbit I can have 10 in a row. They really are excellent. And yes you'll definitely know when you have one.

Mrswinkler · 11/05/2016 07:28

Have a read of** Women's Anatomy Of Arousal: Secret Maps To Buried Pleasure
by Sheri Winston

WonderMomma · 11/05/2016 07:34

Full Brazilian bikini wax, porn and masturbation when you're alone and completely relaxed Wink

FoolMe · 11/05/2016 07:42

My rabbit is amazing. I've got one called the mighty one (i think) and I orgasm within minutes using it. Use a bit of lube, start off gently and away you go. You will definitely know when you've had an orgasm. I've only ever slept with useless men who don't know how to do sex properly so never even come close with a bloke but the rabbit will get me there 2 or 3 times.

If you're brave enough you can ask in ann summers and they'll advise you which toy might suit you - I bought mine because it was half price

Leeloo2 · 11/05/2016 07:51

If piv sex is what gets you close, then try it on your sides, with him behind, then get him to rub your clit fast sideways (so left to right, not up down iyswim). That works for me.

Hitachi magic wand has very 'fierce' vibrations, so maybe not a good starter one?

On a previous similar thread the 'womaniser 100' (think it's either from lovehoney or bondara) was recommended and several posters came on to say they'd since bought it and it'd given them their first orgasms after many years of trying. It's a bit expensive, but the site had money off codes when I Googled and a 1 year money back guarantee if you don't get on with it. I do like it and it does work.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 11/05/2016 12:13

Thanks for all the messages and suggestions. I think I'm going to take my time picking one that suits me - a toy that is - and start getting to know myself.

Became clear last night that I literally have no idea about myself, physically as I couldn't even tell my boyfriend what felt good and what didn't... Wasn't the most successful evening

I'll also stop googling as it just makes me stressed! I've also come to the realisation that I'm in this for the long run... PP have waited way longer than me for the elusive orgasm so pressuring myself into trying to achieve it isn't going to help!

OP posts:
wallybantersjunkbox · 11/05/2016 16:39

Yes I have the womaniser. It's unbelievable.

As I've gotten older I've noticed that I take much longer to orgasm, but, I have multiple orgasms. With the womaniser I've had well over double figures. Once I passed out in a heap of sweat to find DP frantically blowing on my face....Blush

It's completely clitoral, but you can use it during penetrative sex as long as your partner doesn't get over excited and knock it out of your hand

I had the fairy wand which was less intense, and DP bought me another one with 10 settings -you can hold it to the side for less intensity to begin with?

I like a bit of amateur porn to get me going, or watch DP. I also like anal stimulation, it makes orgasms more intense. Also a good amount of time on my nipples hits the spot, before some oral.

Especially if we are tired or short on time, it's kiss, nipples, oral, three items to the fast checkout Grin

ALaughAMinute · 11/05/2016 19:36

Do you know what to do to make yourself orgasm when you masturbate? If not Google it or have a look on YouTube because it sounds to me as if you're not doing it right. As has already been said you need to learn how to do it to yourself first.

"As I've gotten older I've noticed that I take much longer to orgasm, but, I have multiple orgasms. With the womaniser I've had well over double figures. Once I passed out in a heap of sweat to find DP frantically blowing on my face....Blush"

Wally, that's too funny! Grin Grin

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 11/05/2016 20:13

Had a look at the womaniser - I've suggested to BF that we get something (he knows about the thread) but not sure how eager he'd be for something like that. I guess it's got to be something he wants aswell? (...or not??)

LaughAMin truthfully I have never masturbated. It's just something that I never got into as a teenager so has never occurred to me really do to. I could count on one hand the amount of times I've started to try - only to give up after a minute or so. I just don't know what my buttons are

OP posts:
lcoc2015 · 11/05/2016 20:20

I find for piv orgasm that putting a pillow under my bum is key for getting the right angle in the missionary position. For me the orgasm is created more a grinding action rather than a penis in / out action (i.e. the base of his penis /pelvis against the clitoral area). Try the pillow!

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 11/05/2016 20:24

With masturbation you can't really give up after a minute! Women take a good while to get going usually. Try the muscle clenching tip I gave you up thread - I find it's a guaranteed way to arouse myself physically even if my brain isn't necessarily there, and the orgasms are stronger.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 11/05/2016 20:31

Thanks I'll definitely try the pillow idea!

JonSnow the clenching thing really sounds like a good idea. Told boyfriend - was telling him all the points - and he said that's what it takes for him to climax.

I think I just need to focus more on getting there. Think I just get too lost in the whole thing

It did backfire last night though.. We started to have sex and I just couldn't stop thinking about it, he really changed what he was doing and the way we did things (without being too detailed just lots of talking and asking 'if this was nice or this was nice')... I just couldn't carry on as I felt that we were doing it because of the orgasm instead of because we wanted to

On reflection maybe I was being stupid as I'd been thinking about it all day. I just don't want it to become a thing...........

OP posts:
hollinhurst84 · 11/05/2016 21:20

The ultimate O from Ann summers is recommended. Or agree with the hitachi wand

artlessflirt · 11/05/2016 21:47

Overthinking is the worst thing you can do when you're chasing an orgasm. Sometimes with my DP if for some reason I'm not wholly immersed in what we are doing I can start to overthink and it stops me from being able to. Mostly it's the pressure to please my partner by having an orgasm (thus confirming they are 'good' at sex!).

Foreplay is a total winner for me in building me up. No expectation of orgasm from either side, just enjoying each others bodies and exploring what feels good (not necessarily what builds to orgasm IYSWIM). We recently bought a game and a Tracey Cox vibrator wand and the game is really good for loosening us up. I can't remember what it's called but you roll a dice and pick up a card and have to do what's on the card for a certain amount of time. It builds up from tame stuff to more racier stuff but doesn't actually require any PIV. And the wand features heavily in our sex life now - it gives me (who about 2 years ago struggled to orgasm during sex at all) orgasms that makes me see stars when we use it when having sex. And DP enjoys it as well.

Best advice I can give is to explore yourself - no pressure, no expectation. Find your buttons and push them as much as you feel comfortable. Really explore what turns you on, you never know you might have some deeply hidden kink that awakens you!!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 11/05/2016 22:16

And don't give up after 2 mins!

Sallyingforth · 11/05/2016 22:48

OP I can't add any more to the excellent advice above, but I just wanted say that the encouraging thing is that you are openly discussing the problem with your understanding partner. That's a big plus and I think together you will reach that big O eventually. But yes, get to know yourself first.

wallybantersjunkbox · 13/05/2016 00:27

The sex toy for the moment should be something that works for you...I'm sure he'd be supportive of that, he sounds nice.

And believe me, nothing gets my DP more excited and involved than watching me get my rocks off without passing out

katand2kits · 13/05/2016 09:54

lovehoney magic wand! I wouldn't bother with a rabbit one - I think they are quite difficult to get right, and are better if you don't bother with the ears and just use the main bit externally - in which case any vibrator would do. Try a magic wand perhaps, or the mini wand if you want something smaller, and try some bullet vibrators.
Definitely don't give up after two minutes, but also don't try to get straight to the point. Relax, start slow, use the toy over your underwear, slowly build up the speed. It might take a few tries, but with the right appliances, you will get there. Once you have done that, it might be easier for you to learn how to get there with just hands.

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