the big 'o'

[NotAMamaYet]

I can't orgasm.

I've been with my current boyfriend for over two years now and we have a great relationship. He's caring and attentive in the bedroom, we have loads of fun, we've just moving into a new house.. Life is good

However, I just don't seem to have the ability to climax. When I met my boyfriend we put it down to my relative lack of sexual experience and he told me that it takes time etc and we just got on with it.

Two years on and we're still giving it time. We had sex last night (sorry if tmi) and it was fab as it always is but I can't shake the feeling that sometimes he's just waiting for it to happen and is ... disappointed when it doesn't. I got a bit upset and we had a frank conversation where he admitted he thought that it would have happened by now. We both feel like it's close (although I'm not sure HOW I know that it is close as I've never had one) but every time I just can't kick myself over the edge

I have some body hang ups which maybe don't help psychologically but I'm trying to lose weight... Had some issues with mental health but these are mostly under control now .. Not sure if this is relevant

My boyfriend said last night that the reason I'm always 'up for it' - I'd happily have sex several times a day if he let me - is that I don't get this release that an orgasm would give me

Just wondering if this scenario rings true with anyone else? Am I destined to never have one? How do I have one? What's a foolproof way? I've googled it and masturbation is suggested a lot but honestly I just don't know how/ what/to do.... It's never been something I've done.

Sorry for the long post. Maybe just feel better even writing it down

I disagree with the pp, for me the ears are what works most. I just angle it so the ears are under the clit rather than directly on it (hard to describe). Really it's down to how your body works but for me a normal vibrator wouldn't work. If you get a rabbit you have the choice of using the ears or don't

True enough. If you like ears, they now make one that is just ears that looks quite promising.

Interesting article maybe for your partner to read? I'm sure he doesn't mean to put you under pressure but he may be doing it accidentally, and pressure is the worst thing to feel in order to pursue your aim.

Is he good at oral?

I think he's talking bollocks (ironically) suggesting you get "too" lost in your feelings during sex. Orgasms are basically when you get completely lost in your feelings, so you may be closer than you think.

Love the sneezing metaphor - very apt.

The ears are what do it for me too, I can take or leave the rest

Buy a body wand. Leave it on the highest setting on your clit.

Amazing piece of kit that is!

If you're thinking about trying to orgasm while having sex, it will never ever happen. Not for me, anyway. I have to be completely mentally relaxed. Sounds like you're the same - as soon as you start thinking, game over.

I agree re masturbating on your own and discovering what works for you without the pressure of feeling you need to come to make your boyfriend happy (he sounds lovely btw). A small bullet vibe and your fingers should suffice for now. Many women prefer stimulation to the side of the clit rather than direct. Try small tight circles with you middle and index finger, then the vibe to see if you prefer those circles, then full hand over whole pubic area with bigger circles.

Have fun. No pressure.

Ps - I hate the rabbit. It stirs you. I'm not a pudding.

Second the Hitachi wand (love honey do a similar). Could never get the bunny to work for me. Also try experimenting with different positions - some women find it easier to orgasm face down - something to do with blood flow I think. Also try experimenting with clitoral stimulation and something for the g spot/anal. Combinations are what do it for some women.

Thanks for all the suggestions - thinking about it is definitely something that I do all the time at the moment. Also just even the thought that my boyfriend is thinking it, or aiming for it puts me off.

I'm afraid now that, although it's obviously beneficial that we're open about it, since we spoke it's going to be an open thing. As I said previously we tried to have sex the night after and things were all different and it just felt wrong

I don't know if this was something I should have just sorted out myself..

Done a bit of research into the toys you've all suggested. Just still deciding where I should put the money. Still unsure about the rabbit but definitely rave reviews. Boyfriend said he'd seen the Hitachi wand in porn that he watches (thanks) so slightly put off that one

Not clear in my above post -- thinking about having the orgasm/achieving orgasm or whatever during sex is putting me off....

Omg I can't believe he said that!!

You can have an orgasm with an electric toothbrush! Google it.

Hmmm neither could I DameDiaz

Only just remembered that actually. He's fab but sometimes has absolutely no tact and couldn't understand my wtf reaction

You really need to stop trying to have your first orgasm during sex. It's not going to happen. Let go of that expectation and pressure, and just relax and enjoy sex with your partner. You need to explore your body by yourself first and understand what gives you pleasure before you can begin to communicate that to him. FWIW I'm not convinced that you need any sex toys just yet, I think you would be more relaxed if you just used your hands. Do you know where your clitoris is? Have you trimmed/shaved your hair and had a good look with a mirror? Have you explored gently with your fingers? Once you've found your clitoris you just need to er... play with it! Be patient and persistent. And you could try reading erotic literature to get you in the mood first. I recommend Anais Nin.

Just wanted to add that there really isn't any need to shave to explore unless you already do,it certainly isn't necessary imo- plenty of over 40's manage just fine

Do you have a fantasy that turns you on op? I can orgasm from piv, oral, masturbation etc. But i always need to have my little fantast going around in my head. I am now 38 and have only had to change my fantasy once. Orgasm is in the mind also.
Start reading erotic fiction and see which scenario gets you horny then go from there. Orgasms are incredible and it is definitely worth the effort. Failing that and other peoples suggestions I would be off to a sex therapist. I hope you have one soon!

Blimey, a sex therapist is jumping the gun a bit!

A sex therapist will probably just say what we've said anyway.

Yes quite.

Sex therapy is jumping to Z when you haven't even tried A yet.

you have to focus on your pleasure and zone everything else out. Find out through touching yourself what turns you on. Fantasise, read something sexy, watch something erotic. But it does require concentration and takes longer than you might think until you get practiced at it. Do you ever have tingling sexy sensations? What brings those feelings on?

It may help when you start focusing on your pleasure if you tell yourself you mustn't come. This will take the pressure off and make you feel more turned on

I would recommend using the shower head- I discovered this as an older teen and all my partners have said how well Inknow my body.
My DH is the first guy I've been with who can make me come with just his fingers and I haven't used the shower for years now.
Enjoy! And you will