My husband keeps hiding my vibrator

[VibratorIssues]

I honestly didn't know whether to post this in relationships or here. I'm so embarrassed, hence the name change. It's the last day of the school term, I'm going to be with the kids solidly for the next six weeks, and whilst on my own this morning I thought I'd have a little session with my vibrator. However it isn't in its usual place.

DH and I have a bit of an ongoing issue at the moment that he's very insecure and needy. I've lost a fair bit of baby weight, I'm looking the best I ever have (I'm really trying not to sound arrogant, I'm no Elle McPherson) and he's overcompensating by trying to have sex far more frequently than I'd like. We've had a few arguments and a few long discussions about it, my sex drive just isn't as high as his, but he's terrified I'm just simply not attracted to him and will just go out and cheat (I'm absolutely NOT that type of person, I would never cheat)

The thing is, despite not wanting to have sex every night, I do enjoy it when I do do it with him. However, I never climax. This isn't his fault, he tries hard, it's just that it takes me a very long time (like half an hour) with a vibrator, so he's got no chance. He doesn't seem aware of this. I don't fake it, but he's relatively inexperienced (we've both only been with one one person) and I think he just assumes I reach orgasm.

This means occasionally I like to use my vibrator in private. It's very very private to me (hence the name change) and I cringe thinking about ever discussing it with him. But this is the third time the vibrator has been moved to another hidden location. I can't bloody find it and I'm close to tears with frustration about the whole damn thing to be honest. Why can't I use it, privately, without having to justify myself to him? I'm an adult? Is what I'm doing so bad?

Am I a terrible person just because I sometimes say no to him sometimes, but once a month want to crack out the vibrator on my own? Please be honest with me! It's just, the two things are different for me, pleasuring myself is all about me, I can be completely selfish, indulge in some daydreams, take my time, not speak etc, which I can't do alongside him. The vibrator was bought with the intention of using it together(which we do) but I'm tempted to go out and just get another! Except I can't because he'll just get bloody upset!

How the heck do I broach this with him?

I'm really surprised by some of the responses here.

Climax is a very personal thing. Just because the OP can orgasm through masturbation doesn't mean she will necessarily EVER orgasm through other stimulation with a partner, or even using her vibrator with her partner.

OP, you are not obligated to keep 'practicing' with your husband, or anyone else for that matter, in order to get there.

But you do need to start communicating. You can't have true intimacy if you can't be vulnerable with each other.

Climax is a very personal thing. Just because the OP can orgasm through masturbation doesn't mean she will necessarily EVER orgasm through other stimulation with a partner, or even using her vibrator with her partner.
The only thing that would prevent that is a mental block. If she is capable of bringing herself to orgasm without him in the room, there is no reason why she shouldn't be able to to it with him in the room. It doesn't have to be different stimulation if that doesn't work for her, but if she shows him, there's a good chance he can learn or at least take part in using the vibrator on her.

There's no obligation for anyone to do anything in a relationship, but there is a level of investment most relationships require to get them to work. This problem is clearly having a significant negative impact on their relationship. Absolutely agree that they need to talk about it, but I think they both need to try to do something about it as well.

The only thing that would prevent that is a mental block. If she is capable of bringing herself to orgasm without him in the room, there is no reason why she shouldn't be able to to it with him in the room.

Unfortunately, orgasms are much more complicated than that. Especially female ones. Saying someone 'should be able to' do anything at all with regard to their sexuality is naive and wrong. It might sound logical, but human sexuality is not based on logic.

The fact that he cannot bring her to climax is not the problem. That is not what needs work. Their communication is the issue. Working on her orgasm would be treating the symptom, but the lack of communication, feelings of control and jealousy, and lack of attraction would still be there.

Its either physical or mental if you cant orgasm with someone else.
Not even his tecnique.if she is doing what gets her off alone. Obviously it happens.
She can do it alone so its not physical.
Id guess at if you cant talk to him, its unlikely that you are going to be mentally relaxed and comfortable enough to let go.

Op. Talk to him. talk about what you like.
Id start with that as a first step.

And trust me there are much better vibrators out there than what you have.
Experiment try something new. Lovehoney are a good site for discreet delivery and customer service. No quibbles returns even if you use somrthing and its not for you.

Im suprised about bullets not working for you. Clitoral stimulation is key to orgasming.
A vaginal vibrator isnt hitting the right spots.
Use the silly hiding of the toy as an excuse to treat yourself.

"Working on her orgasm would be treating the symptom, but the lack of communication, feelings of control and jealousy, and lack of attraction would still be there."

This is a good point. Aside from the physical side of achieving orgasm, mentally you have to feel aroused and relaxed. It must be difficult - maybe impossible - to feel aroused by someone you're not attracted to, and to feel relaxed with someone who tries to control you. Even if those issues were solved, communication is still key. At some point the OP would have to show/tell him how to (physically) give her an orgasm.

OP has your sex life always been like this with your partner or was it different in the beginning? What about with other partners?

Id leave that one where he hid it and buy a 2nd one that he wont know about.

Hiding vibrator... How childish!

The issue here isn't sexual incompatibility as someone suggested . It's extremely unusual in a long-term relationship for both partners to have similar sex drives the whole time. It's all about insecurity and communication issues - something that affects nearly all relationships to a greater or lesser degree at points.

I suggest saying to him "Have you seen my vibrator? It keeps going missing and I think it must have grown legs. I'm going to have to buy myself a new one!".

I'd be well-miffed (not muffed). These things don't come cheap, if you get my drift.

His low confidence and childish games are the issue here, I think, as well as the fact that you aren't communication about sex with each other.

Hiding your vibrator is pretty pathetic.

You need to have a frank discussion about sex, clearly.

*communicating

Or, "God, I don't know what's happened to my vibrator. I was so desperate I had to call the neighbour in, instead."

The problems clearly lie with the fact you don't fancy him, OP. Is there anything he could do to make you fancy him more? You say he doesn't take care of himself. I can see you wouldn't want to have that discussion and it does sound as though the sort of man you're attracted to would sort himself out there rather than wait for his wife to tell him he's not taking care of himself.

I was so desperate I had to call the neighbour in, instead

And he brought his strimmer. It was a close shave.

But it IS affecting their sex life, if the OP 'never' climaxes during sex with her DH

That is perfectly normal though isn't it? I read (and believe) that most women never orgasm through penetrative sex.

You don't need to only pursue one avenue OP - you can a) Buy a new vibrator and hide it somewhere he won't find it b) As you know how to orgasm (a head start on some women) you could work on achieving that manually. I have a very nosy dd and had to get rid of the vibrator, but I've gone from needing 20 minutes with a vibrator to 10-15 minutes by hand! Practice makes perfect! c) Work on making things more pleasurable with your DH. Being happy, relaxed, and satisfied means you'll possibly be more receptive in the bedroom anyway.

"The only thing that would prevent that is a mental block. If she is capable of bringing herself to orgasm without him in the room, there is no reason why she shouldn't be able to to it with him in the room."

I agree with TheStoic - there are plenty of reasons why it may not work with him in the room. Would he be patient enough to focus on her for 30 minutes? There are so many men who think women only need a four minute clit fiddle (sorry if tmi) and they're good to go. Maybe she wouldn't be comfortable being watched solidly for half an hour? And it sounds like he's threatened by the vibrator which would be an orgasm killer from the off if she suspects he's resentful.

I think an honest and loving conversation is in order by this point, if things are going to develop at all. It's very passive-aggressive of him to hide your vibrator (off the top of my head thought - are you sure he didn't take it and use it himself?) and maybe you both need a bit of brutal honesty to enable you to move forward?

I'm not going into detail, but I could've written this exact same post, pretty much to the point.
This happened to me about a year ago, long story short, DH was insecure and used to hide mine when he knew I would be alone. I confronted him, asked where it was and it pretty much stopped after that, because he was embarrassed about being so silly. You need to tell him! Ask him why he's hiding it and actually speak about it.

We took a trip to Anne summers and bought a we-vibe. Sorted that situation RIGHT out, also The ultimate o pink stimulator (that's its actual name lol) it's amazing! It's helped us out and where I couldn't climax I bloody can now! Be a bit more adventurous together it'll help.

Some of the comments above don't really help here. I'm sorry but me and my DH are mad about each other, but sometimes couples can have dry spells during relationships, and some men or women find it harder than others to cum. Simple. Saying she doesn't fancy him is utter nonsense.
Then I may be wrong and she might not, but this wasn't the situation in my case which sounds the exact same!!

MummyPiggy
"Saying she doesn't fancy him is utter nonsense."
RTFT, the OP said herself that she doesn't find him attractive.

Thank you PP I missed that post, in which case my experience is totally different and not really relevant OP.
I don't really have anything to say to you other than that really, I don't think I would want to have sex with someone I wasn't attracted!!

MummyPiggy87, did you actually read the OP's posts?

You say: "Saying she doesn't fancy him is utter nonsense."

The OP says: "Being completely honest, no. I'm not physically attracted to him. That's a major issue of mine. He doesn't really take care of himself, doesn't care how he looks"

Cross post.

Cross post an hour and 10 mins late, wow you type slow.
Hypocrite springs to mind lol

Hypocrite? Would you like to explain that?

I wasn't sitting on here waiting for you to reply, you know. I saw your original post, replied and then realised you'd answered. It's hardly rocket science.

OP the problem is I agree is the communication with your bloke. You should be able to talk about sex with the person you're doing it with. Life's took short, tall to your husband man.

I would also get a rabbit or something and hide it well. I'm lucky I suppose me and the husband buy that stuff together whether it's for my own use or not.

Saying did I read the posts when you didn't either.

I think it's a bit more important to read what the OP says than what anyone else says!