My husband keeps hiding my vibrator

[VibratorIssues]

I honestly didn't know whether to post this in relationships or here. I'm so embarrassed, hence the name change. It's the last day of the school term, I'm going to be with the kids solidly for the next six weeks, and whilst on my own this morning I thought I'd have a little session with my vibrator. However it isn't in its usual place.

DH and I have a bit of an ongoing issue at the moment that he's very insecure and needy. I've lost a fair bit of baby weight, I'm looking the best I ever have (I'm really trying not to sound arrogant, I'm no Elle McPherson) and he's overcompensating by trying to have sex far more frequently than I'd like. We've had a few arguments and a few long discussions about it, my sex drive just isn't as high as his, but he's terrified I'm just simply not attracted to him and will just go out and cheat (I'm absolutely NOT that type of person, I would never cheat)

The thing is, despite not wanting to have sex every night, I do enjoy it when I do do it with him. However, I never climax. This isn't his fault, he tries hard, it's just that it takes me a very long time (like half an hour) with a vibrator, so he's got no chance. He doesn't seem aware of this. I don't fake it, but he's relatively inexperienced (we've both only been with one one person) and I think he just assumes I reach orgasm.

This means occasionally I like to use my vibrator in private. It's very very private to me (hence the name change) and I cringe thinking about ever discussing it with him. But this is the third time the vibrator has been moved to another hidden location. I can't bloody find it and I'm close to tears with frustration about the whole damn thing to be honest. Why can't I use it, privately, without having to justify myself to him? I'm an adult? Is what I'm doing so bad?

Am I a terrible person just because I sometimes say no to him sometimes, but once a month want to crack out the vibrator on my own? Please be honest with me! It's just, the two things are different for me, pleasuring myself is all about me, I can be completely selfish, indulge in some daydreams, take my time, not speak etc, which I can't do alongside him. The vibrator was bought with the intention of using it together(which we do) but I'm tempted to go out and just get another! Except I can't because he'll just get bloody upset!

How the heck do I broach this with him?

I'm so sorry that was so rambling

Hmmmm.

I can see his point TBH. It's kind of the female equivalent of porn death-grip (or whatever it's called).

If DH never reached climax when we had sex, but merrily went off wanking in my absence, I'd probably try and sabotage his exploits in whatever way I could, IF he wasn't willing to work on it in the bedroom with me.

You say that he's not very experienced (or that neither of you are) - can you not work on this together? Or you can you try to work on reaching climax without a vibrator by yourself, so that it's easier during sex between the two of you?

I would say that you both need to work on you climaxing during sex together, because it must be hard for him as he wants to have sex with you, you're not interested but then will use a vibrator. I'd see it as rejection if I was him, because he's not aware you're not fully enjoying sex with him.
It can take me ages too, so we keep on going til I climax. Only a handful of times we've given up because I'd rather the extra sleep ().
He is unreasonable for hiding it, but I can see it from his point of view. Hes jealous of it, he's being rejected in favour of that - even if you don't mean it like that, it is kind of true, because he can't get you to climax, you use a vibrator.
I do think you both really need to work on you climaxing during sex if at all possible.
But I am no expert!

Can you not use your vibrator during sex for a bit of a win win situation?

Dh is the only sexual partner I have had, he was quite inexperienced before.

However he has made the effort to find out how satisfy me & I him, no matter how long it takes. Sometimes it is quick, sometimes longer. That is a cop out for your dh, sorry.

Your dh is insecure about a toy. Hiding it is childish! Another man who can't feel "loved/needed" without sex!

You both need to relax & explore what it is you both like. The great ting about inexperience is that you learn together!

Once you've found it, you need to find a better hiding place !
Does he need to know if you treat yourself to a spare one ? Those dinky little bullet ones pack quite a punch and could easily be tucked away somewhere safe for a rainy day.

Oh dear perhaps IABU about it? I see what you mean about rejection in a way, it's just that, for one it's not frequent, and two, it's just different somehow? Like I said, it's self indulgent, rather than sex which is mutual. Perhaps I'm just selfish?

I know we need to work on sex as a couple. And to be fair to DH he's very willing. Think unfortunately we are quite mismatched in that area. He likes gentle lovemaking, which, to be perfectly honest I get absolutely no stimulation from. He tries to explore my preferences, like being a bit rough and passionate, but he keeps spoiling it by constantly asking if I'm OK? Am I enjoying it? Am I OK? Am I ENJOYING IT?? He needs constant reassurance and I find it seriously irritating when I'm giving off all the right signals, smiling, grabbing him, making all the appreciative noises etc. Whereas when I use my vibrator I can just quietly drift off and fantasise about the man who takes charge

Domingo I would but those bullets don't do anything for me unfortunately! I need a full on vibrator! And when you live with someone, he'll come across it eventually one day won't he when looking for the car insurance or something And I really don't want to have that conversation with him!!

I don't think using a vibrator in private once a month is "the female equivalent to the porn death grip". Once a month isn't a lot. It is not like she is turning him down nightly, and then shutting herself in the bedroom and buzzing away.

If he has a problem with you using a vibrator, then he should talk to you. Not start playing silly games.

Buy yourself another one. Keep it somewhere different and secure.

There is no rule that says orgasms must only happen with your partner.

It's not selfish to masturbate at all... as long as it doesn't affect your sex life & as long as you aren't saying no to your dh then running off with your vibe...

Oh dear, it sounds like you're not very compatible sexually. Do you find him attractive? If so I think you need to talk to him, reassure him and say you would prefer if he doesn't ask for reassurance during sex. Say if you're not ok and not enjoying it you will tell him! But if you don't say anything it means everything is fine!
I think you do need to work together on you being able to orgasm with him, surely that will be more satisfying for you and will reassure him that he can give you pleasure. Hopefully that will increase his confidence.
Why haven't you done this, is he not interested in giving you an orgasm or have you not given him the chance?
It is very immature to hide your vibrator. Surely it's much more healthy to have an adult conversation about the whole thing.
Maybe sex therapy would help?
Having said all that, if you don't actually find him attractive, maybe you should cut your losses. You can't actually reassure him if you don't mean it, and insecurity is unattractive - it's a vicious circle sadly.

Oakmaiden has basically put what I have just said to my OH. You need to talk to your H about his insecurity about you using a vibe occasionally. It's not a death knell on your sex life if every now and then you fancy some alone time. I'm sure he does too. You are most definitely NOT being U!!

But it IS affecting their sex life, if the OP 'never' climaxes during sex with her DH.

OP do you fake orgasm? Or does your DH know that whatever he is doing isn't working? He asks if you're OK, you smile and sound appreciative (even though actaully you aren't enjoying it at all) - I can understand why things aren't getting any better.

That's because she hasn't told him though....he isn't a mind reader!

I've never directly told him that he's never made me orgasm, mostly because I think he'd be crushed. His confidence is clearly crappy anyway and I can't think of a way of saying it that wouldn't hurt him. On the other hand, I definitely don't fake it. I'm very clear if he's doing something I like, and I've got braver when it comes to directly telling him 'You know when you did XXX, that felt GREAT!' etc. I enjoy the effort he makes and think I need to be a little less critical I guess (although I must stress I'm only critical in my head, outwardly I just focus on what he's good at).

Being completely honest, no. I'm not physically attracted to him. That's a major issue of mine. He doesn't really take care of himself, doesn't care how he looks, whereas I'm quite attracted to a well turned out man. Thing is, we've been together a very long time, since I was 16, and I think he seemed sophisticated then (because he's a little older) whereas now I'm the more self assured one.

He does however, have many many good points. He's kind, and sweet, and is a wonderful, enthusiastic hands on father to our children. He loves me more than anything in the world, and I love him. But this controlling behaviour and insecurity is wearing me down. I feel like, by him hiding it, he's trying to control me. I feel like it's an extension of the jealousy issues and it's upsetting me more than it perhaps should.

I really appreciate all of your replies, you're really helping.

P.S. I did have a little laugh at 'buzzing away'!!!

Is he controlling in other ways OP? Or is it just the vibrator issue?

YANBU.

I cringe thinking about ever discussing it with him

isn't ^this the real problem. Until you can talk openly about this I don;t see how you can resolve it.

I think for your relationship to grow stronger you have to be both open and understanding of each other sexual needs.

I think there's nothing wrong with using vibrator during sex IF BOTH partners want the best for each other which it would be. You climaxing and him acknowledging that this is what you need.

If you are willing to experiment you would be fine, but first you must talk about it.

YANBU but you are avoiding the problem rather than dealing with it.
He is being a bit pitiful hiding your vibrator - if he has a problem, he should be adult enough to talk to you. I don't believe that he never wanks!

There is a problem with your sex life that you need to talk to him about. I know he is insecure, but do you think you could suggest using your vibrator during sex? Let him use it on you. He needs to recognise that the stimulation you get from it is very different to what could ever be achieved without it. It's not a reflection on him, it's just the way you are. If you can't bring yourself to orgasm without using it, then how is he supposed to be able to do it? You need strong vibrations.

The trouble is, if you don't ever talk about it, then he has no idea that you only use the vibe every couple of weeks - if he's seen it, he's probably imagined you running off to crack one out as soon as the kids are at school, and another one at tea time, then turning him down for sex. If he has self-esteem issues already then it's easy to see how he can blow it up in his mind and feel very resentful that you're rejecting him for sex while "probably using that vibrator twice a day, no wonder she never wants me"

You HAVE to talk about this. Yeah he will be crushed to learn that you've never come with him, but he's already crushed, isn't he? At least if you lay the truth on the table, you can talk about over-coming it. Using the vibe during sex would be an excellent start.

If you don't talk about it, you're basically accepting that both of you will be sexually unfulfilled by each other forever more. And that, surely, is the death knell for any marriage?

I would be furious! This is no different than a woman telling her H he can't masturbate.

However I do think you both need to talk more openly. But explain to him what you do with your body in private is none of his bloody business!

Some people never finish by penetrative sex alone - I'm one of them! My partner found it odd to begin with and thought it was because of him but I explained so now he's determined that one day it'll happen - but he doesn't pressure me! He doesn't hide my vibrator. Jeez.

If you aren't sexually attracted to him then you've got a much bigger problem than a missing vibrator. Can you try some honesty and see if it gets you anywhere? Tell him to give it back, explain why you like it and how you use it. His behaviour is childish, but you're saying you can't discuss sex with the person you have sex with! This is a major issue and you both need to find a way to talk to each other.