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Original poster

Oral sex, wibu?

98 replies

penguinplease · 02/07/2015 17:31

Without telling you which party I am can I run a scenario by you?

Me and dp have been arguing over this.

One of us has given lots of oral sex to the other , almost everytime we have sex. The other of us has done it twice under huge amounts of pressure.
The person doing the giving is fed up of not receiving and the rows are constant over it.
Reason for not giving is nothing other than not really into it which the person other finds frustrating as they feel it should be reciprocated equally as much .
It's almost breaking us up, not sure how to resolve it.

What do you think? Should one of us back down? How can we sort this?

OP posts:
TRexingInAsda · 02/07/2015 18:58

It's pretty fucking disgusting that one party has given twice under enormous pressure - who the fuck pressures someone into performing a sex act? If you have to put pressure on then they don't want to do it! Why would you even want them to, knowing they don't like it - how could you enjoy that? Gross.

The giver needs to stop giving if they don't enjoy it as well - you're not earning points, it doesn't work like that. If you like it, do it, if you don't like it much, don't do it. Don't do it knowing you don't really like it just to use it as a bargaining chip for something you do want.

Figure out what you both really like, and do that. Stop doing stuff you don't BOTH really enjoy. Better no sex than sex one of you isn't enjoying, yuck.

Original poster
penguinplease · 02/07/2015 19:09

Again more wise words , thank you.

I may have been hasty in saying it was given under pressure. What happened was we discussed it and any potential issues that were there. There are no issues except maybe selfishness and so when I say 'pressure' I should have said discussion/rows as its a subject we've covered a lot with lots of positive good intentions but nothing actually changing.
We are both fed up and it's like the elephant in the room all the time now.
I guess the key here is that we need to stop arguing about it as that makes it rubbish all round!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/07/2015 19:29

if "not arguing" means that you STFU and carry on doing stuff under pressure to avoid more bad feeling then no

Lovingfreedom · 02/07/2015 20:08

I wouldn't be happy with someone who wasn't willing to 'give' as well as 'receive'

YonicScrewdriver · 02/07/2015 20:10

Agree with AF.

Why not start with no oral either way for six weeks? Stops the rows for now and gives you both some distance.

DollyTwat · 02/07/2015 20:15

Resentment in a relationship about anything is a killer imo
About sex it's a bigger killer. If one is giving and the other being selfish then that's not much fun is it. If I was the giver I'd have got fed up very quickly unless the sex was good in other areas to make up for it

Original poster
penguinplease · 02/07/2015 20:23

Yeah you're all right.
In every other way our relationship both in and out of bed is great, this is just causing problems and it needs to stop.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/07/2015 20:26

Sorry to stalk you OP, but on another thread you are currently rhapsodying about your sex life

I would consider being coerced into a sex act against my will to abusive

Please wake up

AnyFucker · 02/07/2015 20:26

to be

CatMilkMan · 02/07/2015 20:30

I do things sexually for DP that I only do because she wants me too, it's not a problem at all but I'm happy to do it.
Neither of you should be forced to do something you don't want to do, if one enjoys doing it but the other doesn't I think it's unfair for the one that enjoys doing it to use it as a bargaining chip to push someone in to doing something they don't want to do.

Original poster
penguinplease · 02/07/2015 20:40

Yes AF in every other way we have a varied and experimental sexual relationship that is fun and we are so good at talking things through and having fun except with this one issue. It always causes a row.
He is amazing in every other way but we just have this huge oral sex expectation going on which is stressing me out!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/07/2015 20:46

this kind of thing can overshadow everything

don't STFU and put your smackers round the knackers for an easy life

it's not "talking things through" if it ends in a row

Hexadecimal1 · 02/07/2015 20:51

"don't STFU and put your smackers round the knackers for an easy life"

I'm having this made in to a tshirt

AnyFucker · 02/07/2015 20:53

I would buy that t shirt

Original poster
penguinplease · 02/07/2015 21:03

I too would buy that t shirt!!

OP posts:
Fairy13 · 02/07/2015 22:09

I think it's a great motto for life in general. I'm having mine on a mug.

YonicScrewdriver · 02/07/2015 22:22

Penguin, but if the oral sexual issue arises almost every time you have sex, how can everything else be great sexually? It doesn't sound occasional.

Original poster
penguinplease · 02/07/2015 22:34

Yes sorry that's me giving confusing messages. The oral act happens regularly but the 'why is ok for me to do it for you but you don't do it back much /at all' conversation is not so frequent as it simmers and I can tell its building up.
May not have explained myself very well in my haste but truly everything else other than that is great and I love him and all the stuff we do both in and out of bed.
I came out of a 15 yr pretty much sexless relationship to this and it's been fun and I'm just lost at how to solve this before it turns into a deal breaker.
We have a 'talk' about it, promise things will change and they don't and it's just wearing me down a bit now I guess.

OP posts:
UnsolvedMystery · 02/07/2015 22:37

If you are constantly giving and not receiving, that's going to build resentment. No-one should ever feel pressured or coerced into doing any sex act, but for a relationship to work, there needs to be a sense of fairness that both people's needs are being met. If one person doesn't want to give oral, then they should probably be doing something else to ensure their partner is fully satisfied,

If your sex life is great apart from this, then the "selfishness" and "can't be arsed" comments don't make much sense. He doesn't want to - it would probably help if he was honest about why as there might be something you could try to help. Flavoured lubes maybe? Is it a matter of confidence over technique?

The fact that it has become such an issue, is going to make it difficult to resolve.

Original poster
penguinplease · 02/07/2015 22:40

Yes that's what worries me, it's become such a thing now that will it just build up to more bad feelings for the person continuously expected to perform if the other person just avoids it.

OP posts:
Original poster
penguinplease · 02/07/2015 22:40

It helps getting it out on here, makes me look at the whole picture of our relationship too

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 02/07/2015 22:44

What happens if you just stop doing it?

Original poster
penguinplease · 02/07/2015 22:52

Well that's the next stage but already he has said he will walk

OP posts:
Original poster
penguinplease · 02/07/2015 22:53

Not looking good really in black and white is it

OP posts:
UnsolvedMystery · 02/07/2015 22:54

I know you've said that your sex life is great, but is he a generous lover? If he is only doing things for his own pleasure, that you just happen to also enjoy, then he's not thinking about your needs and getting pleasure from your pleasure.

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