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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Child care for 12 yr old?

33 replies

schroeder · 15/05/2010 09:28

My manager asked me recently if I would be interested in a post that includes a finish time of 7pm. If I did this what could I do with ds(12) after school?
What do other people do?

OP posts:
mumblechum · 15/05/2010 09:31

Few questions before I can advise:

  1. What sort of place do you live in, ie rural/suburban with nice neighbours & willing teenagers/urban with high crime?
  1. How mature is your ds and how would he feel about being alone for 3 hours?
  1. How will he get home, esp if doing after school activities?
overmydeadbody · 15/05/2010 09:33

Depending on your child, how far you live from hschoo, and what area you live in I'd suggest a 12 yr old is old enough to look after themselves for a few hours a day.

TanteRose · 15/05/2010 09:42

agree with the others - probably would be OK on his own, IF he was OK with it.

The worst thing would be if he was not confident, as that is when accidents happen/things go awry.

Original poster
schroeder · 15/05/2010 10:02

We live in a nice town, ds would come home on the bus. He isn't very mature really, but he currently walks himself to primary school each day and he goes by himself to the shops and out on his bike.
The thing that worries me is 3hrs at home alone and of course he would need to eat. He can of course make something for himself, but I think he would panic if he burnt the toast or whatever.
I would be really interested to know what other parents do with their 12 yr olds re childcare please.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 15/05/2010 10:13

Your 12 yo is at primary school???

We've been letting our dd stay at home alone since last year (she's 13 now) and so far she hasn't burnt house down or anything. She sometimes pops to neighbours instead if she's feeling lonely, they are cool with that. She makes herself what she calls a picnic tea, with sandwiches and fruit and stuff, as she has school dinners anyway so not ravenously hungry. Otherwise, she does what any normal teen does and goes straight on MSN/Facebook until we get home.

There is also the key worry.... can you trust him with it?

Original poster
schroeder · 15/05/2010 10:17

He will be 12 in September.

OP posts:
purepurple · 15/05/2010 10:18

Both of mine have come home to an empty house when they started high school.
DD is 13 and is more than capable of coming home and cooking her tea.
The only incidents i have had are a really big phone bill from her phoning all her friends mobiles.
We made her pay it all back and have noe bought her a mobile from Tesco on contract for £10 a month that includes free minutes and texts
The other problem was friends coming back and having free rein of the house.
I have banned certain friends from the house.
Only you will know if your DS can cope with being on his own.
If you do it, set some ground rules first.

cory · 15/05/2010 10:20

Dd (13) does this when I work late and was when she was 12: in fact, Social Services (involved re health problems) looked very when she told them she still goes to a childminder twice a week; they seemed to think I was babying her (really only for practical reasons involving disabled transport) and that she needed to be more independent.

I would trust my nearly 10yo with heating himself some food in the microwave. He did try to boil milk in the kettle the other day (my fault for note explaining properly) and reacted very sensibly, switching it off and unplugging it when it started smelling. Imo it's not so much about whether they could get something wrong (kettle mistake was one I could have made when I moved to this country as a 29yo) but whether they will react sensibly when things do go wrong. So I found ds's kettle disaster very reassuring.

Original poster
schroeder · 15/05/2010 10:47

I think purepurple has it right-I know that he won't be ok on his own for 3hrs he would fret the whole time, it's just his personality. I think my dd(7) is more mature to be honest.

OP posts:
secretskillrelationships · 15/05/2010 11:10

I've got a 12 year old just about to be 13 and have been trying to work this one out since he was 6 when I was first happy for him to go to the shops. For me, leaving him alone in the house was a bigger issue to be honest. I do leave him now, for up to 1.5h in my house. Recently had to leave him at his dad's home alone and didn't feel nearly so comfortable even though I was on the end of my mobile.

I think I feel more comfortable about leaving him when I have a choice about it and we can discuss it. So, will leave him if I take the other 2 to the supermarket (though will now leave DD (10) too, sometimes). But I feel really uncomfortable if there is a conflict between what I perceive as his needs and mine.

He's a sensible, reasonably mature lad but I still worry that he might fall down the stairs and knock himself out (bit of a history of that in my family!).

When I was at secondary school, my mum had to work a long day once a week and she got a friend's son to come over that day to keep an eye on us. He was in sixth form, got to eat all the bacon and eggs he could cook and I had an enormous crush on him so result all round. Probably because of that I didn't feel she was babying me!

LadyLapsang · 15/05/2010 23:52

I wouldn't leave him on his own. Transistion to secondary school is a time children often need more support. He would probably survive but I don't think he would thrive. Personally I would continue to work your current hours (assuming you would be home earlier) or arrange childcare: au pair, after school club, childminder, friendly neighbour / substitute granny etc.

seeker · 16/05/2010 05:58

I think he would ba absolutely fine. A 12 year old shold be able to cook an simple meal and be perfectly safe at home alone.

But I also think that it would be difficult for a new year 7 to come home every day to an empty house - they quite often need to off load stuff that happened during the day - the good,the bad and the baffling. And 3 hours is a long time to wait to talk to someone about your day in a new environment. Particularly if you're feeing sad or angry or confused about something. And there's the homework issue too - 7 is very late to discover that he can't/won't/hasn't done it!

BooKangaWonders · 16/05/2010 06:46

I'd personally be happy to leave a 12 year old - but not 5 days/week. As Seeker says, they need to offload after school, and this need doesn't get less as they get older.

Is there any compromise with your working times? Could it be 7pm eg 3 times/ week? Knowing that you're there twice a week will make a huge difference to him. OTOH, are there sports or clubs that mean he'll definitely be later on some school days?

mumblechum · 16/05/2010 09:45

Agree with Seeker. OUr ds found the first two terms of secondary quite tough and I think he appreciated that debriefing time at 4pm. Once he's settled, it would probably be ok.

roisin · 16/05/2010 12:36

I agree completely with seeker.

hatesponge · 16/05/2010 12:56

It obviously depends on the child, and you know your DS best - my DS is in Year 7 and is at home on his own daily from 3.30 to at least 5.30/6 when my Ex is here - once Ex properly moves out (which is a whole thread on its own....) he will be there til I get home (which can be anytime from 6.30 to 8).

He is very sensible/independent and there are no problems with him being at home on his own - there is no way he would go to a childminder, he hated doing this in year 6 let alone now. We have never eaten dinner til 7ish anyway so it doesn't affect his meals - he is able to make snacks like toast, sandwich etc anyway which keep him going til dinner.

He also goes to an afterschool club once a week til about 5ish, and football another 2 nights which is from 5-7, so that also keeps him busy - if you don't feel you can leave him alone for that long, then after school clubs etc are probably the way to go - DS's school has them in everything from Science to Basketball to Debating so hopefully he will find one to interest him!

Original poster
schroeder · 16/05/2010 16:19

I'm glad not everyone thinks I'm babying him. Thankfully the late finish would only be once a week.
I work for the council, so maybe nothing will come of it for a few months and ds may have matured a bit by then.

OP posts:
mollymax · 16/05/2010 16:36

Where will your 7 year old dd be during these 3 hours? Can your ds go to the same place as her. i too would not be happy to leave my dd aged 11 home alone for 3 hours.

roisin · 16/05/2010 16:49

If he's content and happy with the arrangements, then I think once a week would be OK. As long as you leave strict instructions for him and are confident that he will follow them.

As hatesponge says, you may well find the school runs an after school activity on that evening, which might be quite appealing to him rather than being home alone.

mumblechum · 16/05/2010 17:41

Ah, once a week. I thought it was every day. Once a week would be fine imo

seeker · 16/05/2010 18:59

Oh if it's only one night, then no problem at all - go for it!

malovitt · 16/05/2010 19:12

I would probably make a sandwich in the morning and leave it wrapped up for him to have when he came home to avoid any cooking; one less thing to worry about!

cory · 16/05/2010 19:22

Agree that every day might be a bit much at the time of the major upheaval that is transition to secondary school, but that a day a week sounds fine.

My nephew has been doing this every day since he was 10- but that is in Sweden so slightly different.

Original poster
schroeder · 16/05/2010 19:36

DD (7) would obviously go to after school club. I couldn't leave them together they would probably fight to the death like hamsters!

OP posts:
mollymax · 16/05/2010 20:34

Is after school club just for primary school children? What provisions are made for the pre teen years?