DS (Year 8) being bullied at school. Any advice please?

[MrsFlittersnoop]

My 12 year old DS is very unhappy at his single sex comprehensive school. It is a "good enough" school (70% A-C at GSCE inc. Maths & English) which recently received a very tepid Ofsted report, in spite of a considerable improvement in results over the last 2 years. It has a good reputation for Maths (DS's worst subject) but a poor one for bad behaviour and bullying.

We didn't have much choice about where he went. He would never have passed the 11+. Most of the alternative schools locally are faith-based or academically selective. A lot of kids from his old primary school go there, and we felt it was better to let him stay with his mates, especially as he's an only child. We can't afford the £14K per year to go private.

DS is quiet, shy and geeky (his words!) he hates sport and likes books and computer games. He is very well behaved at school and gets excellent reports from all his teachers. He is also one of the youngest kids in his year (July birthday). He is currently in top sets for all his subjects except maths, and has been performing far better academically than we expected but he has been bullied constantly since the start of year 7.

I've been called up to the school on at least 3 occasions to take him home after he's had his glasses broken/been thrown head first into a glass door / pushed down flights of stairs etc. There have been some incidents of cyber-bullying as well. He has to endure constant name-calling and teasing.

I've had endless phone calls with the head of year, but as soon as one bunch of kids are dealt with, someone else will start targeting him. His only friends are 4 kids from his old primary school. Boys who started off being friendly with him have backed off in case they are also targeted.

I'm at my wits end. DS is now very stressed and anxious. I've phoned his form tutor to arrange yet another meeting, but the school seem to take the view that you can't really expect anything else in a North London non-selective boy's comprehensive school.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom, comfort or advice about what to say to the school this time? I sat on the stairs blubbing my eyes out last night which is SO not my style. I just feel so helpless.

oh god, that is awful. Your poor DS (and you).

The school should be taking this so much more seriously! I'm not sure what to suggest, could you contact the LEA? MP? to highlight the fact that the school think its normal to be bullied?? maybe force them into taking action?

Could you Home Ed?

Are there no other schools at all he could go to?

The school needs to do more generally about the culture of bullying.

DS's school is doing an anti-bullying/swearing week this week with lots of talk about it and what to do if it is happening to you or someone you know and making the point that by doing nothing to stop bullying you are effectively bullying also. In my view that means that your DS's school are bullying too.

Bullying is not easy to deal with. But by not dealing with it the school are sending a message to the perpetrators that it is not a big issue.

Your poor DS. I feel so sorry for him. And you.

"but the school seem to take the view that you can't really expect anything else in a North London non-selective boy's comprehensive school."

Bollocks! Sorry but that is not OK. Wherever the school is and whatever the intake, bullying is never to be 'expected'.

So sorry for you and your DS. Could you contact the LEA is the school won't help you?

OrmIrian is right - it is complete rubbish.

Fwiw, I think you should start off by looking to the school to do more.

But ... are you sure there are no other schools? It might be worth looking into, now, just to get the ball rolling and before the GCSE stuff starts.

I do think changing schools is a bit extreme and maybe sends the wrong message. But looking ... well, it will give you both a sense of freedom and control.

A lot of my N. London friends send their dc to the Anglo-European in Ingatestone. Which is just an example; you can be imaginative in your hunt.

Good luck to both of you.

Thanks for your reply Batmanswilly (great name BTW!)

The school has been quite good about taking action over specific incidents, but then something else always happens. We haven't been putting stuff in writing etc yet, partly because we have tried to reassure DS that these were on-offs, and that everyone else has to deal with the constant low-level disruptive and unpleasant behaviour.

My experience is that most schools will brush this sort of thing under the carpet. They pay lip service to the anti-bullying policy etc, but nothing seems to change,

DS's self confidence is so low right now that we feel to move him somewhere new with no friends at all would be disastrous for him emotionally. He has stated quite categorically that he doesn't want to go to another school - he just wants to be left in peace.

There is only one possible alternative school, which gets truly awful results and also has a bad reputation for poor behaviour.

Home ed might be a last resort, but I would have to give up work to do this. We can't really afford it.

do start putting everything in writing. I'd have a meeting with the head of year, explain exactly what has been happening and that your chief concern is as soon as one incident is dealt with, something else comes along. Have you got a copy of the anti-bullying policy and are they meeting it?

Ds needs to know that you are not only on his side but taking effective action.

Would also suggest contacting Kidscape and asking for their advice.

Gosh - cross posts! Thanks so much for all your replies!

I need to escalate things with the school, but I need some advice on how to go about it. DS has been told to report any incidents to his head of year, but has stopped doing so because he can't see the point as nothing changes. He is also painfully shy about approaching staff. He is afraid everyone thinks he is a wuss and a cry-baby.

Ask kidscape (again).

At the meeting, explain ds is reluctant to go to head of year because nothing is ever done and fears being labelled as weak. Ask them what THEY are doing to do to protect him and resolve this.

I agree with edam about contacting Kidscape.

Do you work full time? Is there any way that you and your partner could change your hours to allow home education. You don't have to give up work completely to home educate.

I am a great believer in going into school and meeting the relevant teachers. I have done this at primary school and found it to be a positive thing to do.

I think the school took it far more seriously when dh and I were sitting there and talking to them face to face. I have found that talking on the phone had less effect than having a meeting.

The teacher's certainly seem to realise the gravity of the situation if the parent has made the effort to come to school and have a proper talk.

Hope you find a solution that's right for you and your ds.

FWIW I was horribly bullied at a similar age. My mother had no idea and when she found out the school was very unhelpful - teachers had known all about it but didn't care.

I ended up leaving that school. For which I am profoundly grateful. This may not be the right solution for your son, I'd try working with the school first, but it is worth investigating carefully. Why does your boy not want to move - are his reasons good or based on fear?

Could you check whether any other schools have vacancies, or whether any private schools offer bursaries/scholarships etc.?

Could you also sign him up for some out of school activities he might enjoy? Would help his confidence if he can make friends somewhere else.

I have plans to get ds some martial arts lessons when he's older - just to make sure he has some confidence about handling aggression. Your ds may well not be interested in sport, but martial arts may be helpful. Or something completely different that boosts his confidence and gives him an opportunity to make friends - would he consider chess?

Right. I've decided to ask for a meeting with his head of year and form tutor and will ask them exactly what they are going to do in order to comply wih their anti-bullying policy.

Is it worth emphasising just how distressed DS is becoming? In the past, the school have suggested that his unhappiness might be related to (non-existant) problem at home, rather than school. What is the likely response if I say we are considering removing him from the school? Would they regard this as an easy way to get rid of a problem?

TBH, they can't afford to lose pupils like my DS. I just hope they realise this.

I am trying to think of something practical to deal with this horrible situation.

I agree with others that the school is being weak on implementing its anti-bullying policy. However, I am afraid that if MrsFlittersnoop pushes too hard with complaints and official letters what will happen is that the Head and the LEA will just clam up and collectivley throw up the defences for fear of legal action. Then nothing will happen except a whole load of box ticking and flannel.

My own nephew is in a very similar situation at the same age and his mother has taken him out of school for home education. Moving schools is perhaps the best option but that may require a house move and perhaps not easy in the current situation.

Does anyone know of cheaper private school options (not that that guarantees a proper 'anti-bullying' stance of course)?

Completely agree with earlier posters that it's the school who should be taking action. It's their responsibility. Ask them what this action will be. What, for example, are they doing about disciplining the bullies?

I am actively seeking some out-of-school activities for DS, but he is very anxious about new social situations. I'm looking into sending him to the local Woodcraft Folk group with a neighbour's daughter (who has also been bullied at school). I'm also going to ask a boxing trainer I know if he might consider giving DS some private lessons until he feels confident enough to join the local boxing club. Sport in general is a problem for DS because he is not allowed to wear his specs for PE and he can't see a thing without them.

DS actually lashed out physically for the first time ever at a kid who was poking and taunting him yesterday. Inevitably, DS was treated as equally culpable by the teacher who dealt with the incident. DS has so much anger bottled up inside that I'm afraid that when he finally blow his stack he will really hurt someone.

MrsFlittersnoop I x posted with your earlier @12.17.

Sadly, from what you say it seems the school is already throwing up the defences. Trying the 'it must be something at home' defence is such a despicably common response. This is NOT your fault or your DS' fault either.

They do not care how good your son is at school or what he has to contribute. I know you are in a bit of a pit of despair and I feel bad for saying this but I really do think the situation cannot now be resolved or reversed.

I do think home ed or moving school is the only option even though that is very bad option for you it could not be worse for your DS. I know how bad this was for my nephew and I really feel for you and him. I really do.

Thanks ABetaDad. I'm afraid you've confirmed what I believe will be the likely (non) outcome.

I'd be glad to get a male perspective on this. I've no idea if you went to a single sex school, but all my menfolk, DH, ExDP (my son's father) and my brother (shy non-sporty types) did, and sadly they all seem to think this is pretty much par for the course. We were at secondary school during the 60's/70s when admittedly things were very different.

My DH actually said last night that there are NO coping strategies for a kid in DS's situation except to tough it out until year 9/10 when this sort of bullying tends to diminish. This was certainly my experience in an all girl's school.

We have seriously considered home education. DH is self-employed and works from home. I have been working part-time since DS was a baby. We have friends who are teachers who could help out, and we could afford some tuition etc.

DS however, says that he would be terribly lonely and never see his friends. I've said he can always keep in touch out of school, but two of his closest mates are from very traditional religious families and only socialise outside of school with kids from their own community. We have known these children for 8 years and they never come to parties or accept play dates etc.

I have just started looking for a full-time job to kick-start my career again. I'm 48, and can't really afford to leave it much longer, especially given the current economic situation and the insecurity of DH's self-employment.

No words of wisdom to offer but just a huge load of sympathy to you and your boy - he sounds very much like my ds who is 11 and an only child too- though thankfully no bullying (teasing and some name calling but nothing more) Am sure the school can do more to help though,as others have said...

Your son sounds absolutely lovely. The friends he has made are probably equally great.

Try emailing exact details of what has been happening and the effect it is having on your son, yourself and your husband and anyone else in your family. Do not mince your words, explain in clear, accurate terms what went on day by day this week to start with.

Copy your email to various people in the school, head, head of year, tutor, counsellor??? Plus to your other half so they know you are both aware of the written evidence.

Remember that the school is meant to be acting in place of you the parent. They are given the privilege of caring for your son for a certain number of hours a day. If they are not up to the job, please sack them. Throw the 5 outcomes at them, Every Child Matters. Health is the top one, being safe is the second.

Take your son to the gp and tell the school that you are getting his injuries, stress reactions documented by the GP.

It might be worth explaining in writing what you have said about your son wanting to stay at school because of his close friends who would not have the opportunity to meet up with him in person outside of school.

The school needs to help one of their pupils who actually wants to be there. What planet are they on if they just don't care?? They may become a better school as a result of all this. Am I deluded now!!

Lots of encouragement from me.

My message sounds too pro school. A few weeks ago I was actually telling my son yr 9 that whatever was happening re school it was never worth killing yourself over. I felt I had to say that in simple terms, ie I care more for him than I do for school attendance or gcses or whatever. There is always a way forward. I am always on his side, even if I get cross or emotional.

A school boy in a town near us had disappeared shortly after the start of this term, so it was an item on the news.

When does the bullying take place? It sounds like it is between lessons / break times / lunch times?
As an interim, is there a way he could avoid these situations? Are there lunch time activities? A computer club? Chess club? Just a thought.
I would definitely go into the school for a pre-arranged meeting to discuss these problems.
No school should "let" these things happen.
My only other advice would be to be very clear what you want to happen / what you want to say. Be firm and calm.
Don't come accross as "hysterical" parents i.e. don't let your anger show, don't get weepy, don't make accusations - instead ask questions, ensure you get a plan of action from the school as to what they are going to do.
I hope things improve very soon.

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied. It is really helpful to get different perspectives on the situation.

The bullying is taking place in class, before class, between classes and at break times. There have also been a couple of incidents on the way home from school. At the parents evening a couple of weeks ago two of his teachers mentioned that DS had been reduced to tears during their classes and had to be taken outside to calm down. They were sympathetic and supportive and the culprits were punished, but both teachers took the line with us that that DS was just oversensitive and would grow out of it.

Part of the problem is that the majority of the incidents consist of verbal not physical bullying. I can see that it is virtually impossible for staff to monitor this in a school of 1000 pupils. DS has been identified as someone who can be made to cry easily. This, as you can imagine, is absolute social death in a boys school.