DS (Year 8) being bullied at school. Any advice please?

[MrsFlittersnoop]

My 12 year old DS is very unhappy at his single sex comprehensive school. It is a "good enough" school (70% A-C at GSCE inc. Maths & English) which recently received a very tepid Ofsted report, in spite of a considerable improvement in results over the last 2 years. It has a good reputation for Maths (DS's worst subject) but a poor one for bad behaviour and bullying.

We didn't have much choice about where he went. He would never have passed the 11+. Most of the alternative schools locally are faith-based or academically selective. A lot of kids from his old primary school go there, and we felt it was better to let him stay with his mates, especially as he's an only child. We can't afford the £14K per year to go private.

DS is quiet, shy and geeky (his words!) he hates sport and likes books and computer games. He is very well behaved at school and gets excellent reports from all his teachers. He is also one of the youngest kids in his year (July birthday). He is currently in top sets for all his subjects except maths, and has been performing far better academically than we expected but he has been bullied constantly since the start of year 7.

I've been called up to the school on at least 3 occasions to take him home after he's had his glasses broken/been thrown head first into a glass door / pushed down flights of stairs etc. There have been some incidents of cyber-bullying as well. He has to endure constant name-calling and teasing.

I've had endless phone calls with the head of year, but as soon as one bunch of kids are dealt with, someone else will start targeting him. His only friends are 4 kids from his old primary school. Boys who started off being friendly with him have backed off in case they are also targeted.

I'm at my wits end. DS is now very stressed and anxious. I've phoned his form tutor to arrange yet another meeting, but the school seem to take the view that you can't really expect anything else in a North London non-selective boy's comprehensive school.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom, comfort or advice about what to say to the school this time? I sat on the stairs blubbing my eyes out last night which is SO not my style. I just feel so helpless.

do you think ds might like to talk in confidence to someone about his feelings?

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just tought you might want to pass this on to him. your poor ds. school sounds crap.

Doesn't surprise me, sadly. Will email reply later this eve. Sorry it went so badly.

Oh, no email from you..did you see that I'd made a mistake with my first addy? It's the [email protected] you want...sorry

I am absolutely appalled MrsF. It is taken very seriously in my DSs comprehensive and parents would have been called in. I wish that I had the answer for you- I agree with christywhisty and it is a complete cop out for the HofY to say that it is what you have to expect in schools. I would go to the Head and say that you are very unhappy at the way that it has been handled.

At my DD's school one of the first subjects they had in PSCHE was bullying plus her form tutor did a form time bit on it as well. One thing that comes over loud and clear is that bullying will not be tolerated and nor will it be swept under the carpet. They even have a bullying box where they can report stuff anoymously if they need to. I can't offer much advice other than take this up with the head and the chair of govenors. As for the HOY saying it's the norm in modern schools that is the biggest pile of bull poo I've ever heard.

Ds's school has a day in yr 7 with no lessons. The day is spent on anti - bullying.
They also have Bully Busters which are a group of children who others can go to if they are being bullied.

I'm sorry but I don't think you are going to like what I have to say.

I don't think there is anything you or the school can do to resolve the problem.If it was the same few kids all the time bullying him ,then maybe there would be some hope.But it sounds like it is one group after another for the same reason.Your DS is a square peg in a round hole , he doesn't belong in a place like that.Nothing the school can do will change that.The likelihood is the more they try the kids will become resentful and it will become until your DS doesn't tell you about it anymore.

Two seperate teachers have told you your DS is oversensitive - no wonder. Please get him out of there ASAP - more damage is being done to his self confidence and self esteem every day this continues .De register him and become Home-edders while you look for a permanant solution.

Have you thought about contacting Mossbourne in Hackney?

I suggest it because it looks doable from where you are - though I'm not great on geography; time it takes to cross London; and so on, so I might be wrong. I do know there are kids from Camden who go there, or there were, when it first opened. Because of the way its catchment works, there are children travelling to the school from quite a distance. So your ds won't be the only non-local.

The other reason I suggest it is because it's a school that is VERY strong on making sure there isn't bullying and anti-social behaviour. I know some parents find some of the policies the school has put in place to prevent that a little daunting - but it seems to be working.

Last time I heard about it, it was becoming popular as a school choice, so I'm not sure how it would go if you were to apply for casual entry at this stage from where you are. However, it must be worth a look and, if you can, a chat with the Head. If you visit and like the school, it might be worth telling the Head, in person if possible, that you admire their ethos and just why you would like your ds to go there. Put it positively; don't make it all about his current school.

They are VERY strong on allowing all their pupils to achieve their full academic and social potential. And they are doing their utmost to make sure this happens. It doesn't sound as though that is happening at you ds' school.

Fwiw, I think their academic results are going to be very good.

Like Katiestar I'm a bit worried about your ds' long-term prospects. There's a fair degree of year 7 "hazing" in any school and most of it blows over. But this sounds as though it's settling and the school isn't doing that much about it.

Of course the school can resolve the problem-it just needs a strong senior management team and good pastoral care -however I will agree with katiestar that (given their attitude so far) the school won't resolve the problem. Therefore you need to be very active, whether you take it further, change the school or go down the HE route. Whichever you do, you need to be active yourselves and not leave it where the school has left it.

Hi everyone.

Kaytee, I've re-sent my email .

Well! I emailed Kidscape on Monday morning to apply for a place on the ZAP course for DS and on Tuesday morning we received a letter from them offering DS a place on a course in May!

There was a handwritten note on the form which read:

"I'd like to help (DS) as soon as possible and this is our first available course. He is an ideal candidate - it WILL help him. If you need any interim advice, please call me."

I phoned up and the ZAP manager spent over an hour talking to me about how to handle the school and how to help DS. She told me that DS sounds exactly like the sort of child who benefits most from the course.

She was absolutely marvellous.It was such a relief to feel someone was 110% on OUR side. She kept emphasising that we were not to blame, that this was not DS's fault but the school's.

She also advised us to start looking for alternative schools ASAP. She strongly recommended Acland Burghley school to us - we are out of catchment but they work closely with Kidscape and it is an easy commute by tube. Any familiar with it?

DS was delighted about ZAP. He filled out the questionnaire, which gave him a chance to talk more about his feelings and was quite therapeutic for him.

He came home yesterday to report that he'd had to leave his French class because of a nosebleed and when he returned his pen, pencil, rubber and pencil sharpener had disappeared. Cue meltdown. French teacher threatens to keep class in unless items returned. Items not returned but class dismissed at usual time and French teacher replaces DS's belongings from her own stock.

He then had another meltdown in his next lesson because boys kept calling out his name deliberately mispronouncing it (common name but Gaelic spelling - think of a certain yummy Irish actor ). It sounds pathetic doesn't it? But imagine this happening to you at work? . Teacher didn't do anything.

This is completely par for the course. Ignore the behaviour, or threaten punishment and then not see it through.

Since talking to Kidscape I have been feeling increasingly angry about the way we have been treated. The situation is having a huge impact on us as a family. I have been looking for a permanent job for several months (I've been temping) and was offered one last week. I would have been out of the house from 8.00am to 7.00pm five days a week, with no annual leave for the first 6 months.

After a huge amount of discussion and heart-searching I turned it down. DS needs me to be there when he gets in from school. I need to be able to phone and visit the school at short notice, to research and visit alternative schools and look into home-ed.

I had always planned to go back to work full time when DS was settled in secondary school, but he's not "settled" and there is not prospect of him being so for a long time. DS is my one shot at motherhood and I'm not prepared to fuck him up for filthy lucre. We can survive on porridge and lentils for a while longer.

Well done MrsF-it helps enormously to have someone on your side and just to talk. You should be angry, it is completely the school's problem and they are to blame for not addressing it. Not all schools are the same and a good school will have zero toleration. DCs have one go at education and it should be good.

If you possibly can I would advise moving your ds. My dd was bullied for 3 years at her secondary school and we fought hard for the bullies to be dealt with and the school would try, things would die down for a while and then it would all start again.

Dd sounds very like your ds in that she was clever, not sporty and quiet. One of the problems we had was that her school set up a group of pupils to whom you could go if you were being bullied but they were the ones who were bullying her. It got so bad at one stage that she had thought of killing herself which we did not find out until she had left the school.

In the end we moved to a completely different part of the country as dh was taking semi-retirement and dd started at a new school and within days of starting she was a completely different child.