DS (Year 8) being bullied at school. Any advice please?

[MrsFlittersnoop]

My 12 year old DS is very unhappy at his single sex comprehensive school. It is a "good enough" school (70% A-C at GSCE inc. Maths & English) which recently received a very tepid Ofsted report, in spite of a considerable improvement in results over the last 2 years. It has a good reputation for Maths (DS's worst subject) but a poor one for bad behaviour and bullying.

We didn't have much choice about where he went. He would never have passed the 11+. Most of the alternative schools locally are faith-based or academically selective. A lot of kids from his old primary school go there, and we felt it was better to let him stay with his mates, especially as he's an only child. We can't afford the £14K per year to go private.

DS is quiet, shy and geeky (his words!) he hates sport and likes books and computer games. He is very well behaved at school and gets excellent reports from all his teachers. He is also one of the youngest kids in his year (July birthday). He is currently in top sets for all his subjects except maths, and has been performing far better academically than we expected but he has been bullied constantly since the start of year 7.

I've been called up to the school on at least 3 occasions to take him home after he's had his glasses broken/been thrown head first into a glass door / pushed down flights of stairs etc. There have been some incidents of cyber-bullying as well. He has to endure constant name-calling and teasing.

I've had endless phone calls with the head of year, but as soon as one bunch of kids are dealt with, someone else will start targeting him. His only friends are 4 kids from his old primary school. Boys who started off being friendly with him have backed off in case they are also targeted.

I'm at my wits end. DS is now very stressed and anxious. I've phoned his form tutor to arrange yet another meeting, but the school seem to take the view that you can't really expect anything else in a North London non-selective boy's comprehensive school.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom, comfort or advice about what to say to the school this time? I sat on the stairs blubbing my eyes out last night which is SO not my style. I just feel so helpless.

for him

Would you be prepared to say roughly where you live MrsFlittersnoop?

I am just thinking maybe somebody on MN might know a better local solution you could try.

We live in North London, N3. It is quite important that DS can get to school using public transport because we do not have a car. We have good access to tubes/buses.

Just spoken to his form tutor. She will contact us tomorrow to arrange a meeting.

hope it's a good outcome

Oh Lord, all day every day, in lessons and out of them? How flaming miserable.

I don't see how you can describe someone as 'oversensitive' when they are being subject to physical attacks, called names and teased all day long. Did either of the teachers who said this know the full scope of the problem, rather than the incidents they witnessed?

DO please call Kidscape.

two of his teachers mentioned that DS had been reduced to tears during their classes and had to be taken outside to calm down. They were sympathetic and supportive and the culprits were punished, but both teachers took the line with us that that DS was just oversensitive and would grow out of it.

Could you try one of the faith schools to see if they have any chance vacancies. Our local RC primary is heavily oversubscribed for entry at Reception but has been advertising vacancies in other year groups for weeks at Mass, so I imagine places become available at secondary level as well. I know you want to sort this out at school but it is always good to have a plan B!
It seems unfair that your DS should be made to feel like this - the school should really try to deal with this type of mental bullying - crying in lessons is really the equivalent of the bruises and cuts your DS would have if the bullying were more physical. It sounds like you are doing your best to support him. Good luck!

I would go straight to the head about this - write asking to speak to him in person and also detail as much as possible regarding the various incidents your son has suffered - it will give the Head chance to look into it before the meeting - ask the head what he is going to do about the situation - this is not for your son to deal with with the head of year, etc this is for the school to deal with seriously and make appropriate changes - it sounds like the culprits are being allowed to get away with it - at my dd school bullying is dealt with seriously and first offences are dealt with excusion from classes

We went to dd school head regarding a subject matter issue that we were very unhappy with and it was dealt with fantastically and the issue resolved very quickly

Good luck

I could put you in touch with a North London HomeEd group if you'd like to find out more about HE. There are a lot of families in your area, if you were worried about the social side of it. We went to a fantastic HE camp last Summer in near Epping Forest, there were at least 30 families together there. It was great fun. I'll give you my email addy if you want to find out more.

Sorry your ds is going through this. I have a 12 yr old ds too. He had a rough time at school so I know what it's like. He's a different kid now though. He has met loads of friends who are Home Educated, there are many families going for this option nowadays.
Hope you manage to sort something out for him soon though.

'Is it worth emphasising just how distressed DS is becoming? In the past, the school have suggested that his unhappiness might be related to (non-existant) problem at home, rather than school'

Absolutely. Don't let the school suggest that it is a home problem or a problem with your DS- make them take responsibility. Ask for a copy of their anti bullying policy (they have to have one) and make sure they follow it to the letter. He has the right to go to school and be happy, he shouldn't have to be educated on his own to solve the problem.

So sorry your poor DS is suffering with this.
I have a very shy, anxious DD, she was bullied badly in P6, so I know how soul destroying it is.

this website has been a great help for her anxiety, you tick the boxes that apply and you get a remedy made up. It might help yor DS with his anxiety.

Good luck, I hope you can get it sorted soon.

Piscemoon,
Sorry if I've mis-read your post but you say "shouldn't have to be educated on his own". If you were referring to Home Ed, nothing could be further from the truth. HE kids can mix a great deal with other kids (Home-ed AND schooled). They can share tutors with other families, join all sorts of HE groups, take part in varied activities/outings together. We even have a sports day! HE kids don't have to be isolated from others, infact my kids have many more friends than they did when they were in school

I didn't mean he would be HEd on his own-I appreciate there are large groups-I was referring to the fact that he has already said that he doesn't want to be HEd, he wants to stay at school and I don't think that he should be the one to move because the school can't (or won't)do anything about the bullying. It is naive to think that schools don't have bullying, but good ones don't tolerate it.

Ah, ok then, I get your point

Once again, we are so grateful for all your advice and support.

Quick update - we are having a meeting tommorrow with DS's Head of Year and form tutor. I have a copy of the anti-bullying policy.

Re. the cyber-bullying incident - DS and two of his friends were photographed in the playground by a pupil with a camera phone (completely forbidden under school rules ) and DS was told that the pictures were doctored with hearts and flowers, captioned "look at these gay wankers" and put on the kid's Facebook page . We thought this was probably just a wind up, but DS has been approached by several kids, including some he's never even seen before from different year groups, and told they have seen the pictures on Facebook.

I reported this to the school several weeks ago and was told there would be a thorough investigtion. The Head of Year said he had an update for me about this.

A good friend who is a secondary school teacher in a neighbouring borough visited us today. He said that in his school, homophobic bullying is taken VERY seriously, and that this incident may be enough to frighten the school into action if we threaten to take it further. He teaches in one of the roughest schools in London BTW, (13% GCSE pass rate and in Special Measures ) so I think he knows what he's talking about.

Kaytee - thank you very much for your offer of info about local home-ed groups. Would you be kind enough to forward me some info? I am not on CAT, but can be emailed at crabthrobber at hotmail dot com. DH is very gloomy about all this, and seems convinced we will have to go down the home-ed route, so I've promised to do some research for him!

Hopefully you will galvanise them into doing something-good luck. I firmly believe that the victim shouldn't be the one forced out.

MrsFlittersnoop,
Tried emailing but it got returned
Mine is [email protected]

Good gawd, not it's not...it's [email protected]

Been following the thread, hope all goes well with the meeting tomorrow.

There is lots that the school should be doing and am quite frankly astonished they have not been more pro-active in protecting your son.

Good luck

Mrs F - have you heard of Kidscape?

They do a one day course for parents and young people (seperate sessions) and one of my froends went on it wiht her boy and was very impressed.

It gave them both some more confidence.

Have a look

www.kidscape.org.uk/zap/index.asp

Hope the meeting went well.

Kaytee - I have emailed you!

Well, the meeting went as I'd expected.

Absolutely sweet FA. DS has simply been asked to keep a log of incidents.

We were promised a chance to talk privately with the staff without DS, but this did not happen. DS was asked to do all the talking, and was too intimidated by the formality of the meeting to express himself clearly.The HOY spent the whole time checking his watch. His form tutor who has seen him every day at school for the last 18 months did not utter ONE WORD during the meeting.

We were given no opportunity to talk about our concerns or discuss specific incidents, and were spoken to in a patronising and dismissive manner.

His Head of Year claims to have spoken to his all subject teachers and none had raised any concerns, but two of his teachers told us last month at the parents evening that they had dealt with bullying incidents in class, and were concerned about DS's emotional welfare.

Also, his teachers all commented to us that although very able academically, DS never participates in class because he doesn't want to attract attention to himself.

HOY also claimed they had investigated the cyber-bullying incident and had found no evidence, but DS is still being constantly approached by pupils with whom he is not acquainted who say they have seen the pictures on Facebook.

I have been contacted by his friends' parents on more than one occasion because their children have been upset by these incidents and are very worried about DS.

The Head of Year basically told DS he has to learn not to react to verbal taunting by bullies, keep out of their way at breaktimes, and that there are 1000 pupils in the school and there will always be unpleasant kids around that he will have to deal with.

As if he didn't know all this already!

There was no acknowlegement of the fact that this has been going on since year 7, or that before he'd even started at this school, DS's primary school identified him as a very shy kid who might be vulnerable to bullying at secondary school and arranged an extra day's induction for him.

So - I contacted Kidscape yesterday, and we are on the waiting list for a place on the ZAP anti-bullying course!

DH lost it a bit during the meeting . He demanded to know why teachers who were reporting bullying incidents were ALLOWING this to happen in class. This simply gave the HOY a chance to waste 10 minutes of the meeting with a pompous and defensive speech about the realities of modern schools.

So - the jury is out. There were enough factual errors in what the HOY said yesterday for us to start putting a case together. I am keeping an independent record of discussions and incidents.

Thanks again everyone for all your help and support !

Just read this entire thread (have a slightly vested interest as I also have a ds in Year 8 who is non-sporty and geeky, though I am not aware of any bullying, thank God).

The meeting you had yesterday sounds like a complete and utter load of bollocks. If I were you, I would be demanding a meeting with the head of the school, not only to ask what they are going to do about your son's welfare, but also to complain about the meeting you had yesterday. If the head of the school does not make him/herself available to you, I would go to the Chairman of Governors and/or the LEA.

It makes me furious that well-behaved, intelligent, co-operative pupils such as your son are not given the help they need.

I am appalled at your schools attitude MrsF. My ds sounds very much like your ds, although not sporty in team sports, he is not bad at swimming and does sports like climbing and shaolin. His school takes bullying very seriously. He was bullied on the way to and from school but they still wanted to know what was happening.
DS's form teacher bought it up with us that they were worried because he was so quiet in form.
Now in yr8 he is thriving.

The boys ended up cyber bullying someone else. It was taken extremely seriously and investigated immediately. The boys were spent the rest of the week in ALE, then were put on report for two weeks meaning they missed school trips.Parents were talked to and the police were bought in to talk to the boys as well.
The HOY is talking nonsense in saying that is what you expect in schools nowadays.
DS's school is partially 10% selective on aptitude mixed comprehensive just north of London. We have an excellent headmaster who stands no nonsense.