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Secondary education

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Original poster

responses for when someone calls you 'gay' - yr 7

66 replies

MaryAnnSingleton · 30/01/2009 15:36

Ds has had a bit of a week or two with various issues surrounding making friends etc in yr 7..he is shy and quiet but this week coming home from school he got chatting to another boy in his tutor group, only to have the moment spoiled by some other boy in his year calling him 'gay'
Now this has been covered lots of times before on MN but ds is anxious to hear words of wisdom ! (I told him MN will have sensible advice !) I said to ignore them and that the name callers are foolish boys lacking in imagination and also that being gay is not something to be ashamed of etc etc - also aware that gay can mean lots of other things these days...

OP posts:
sweetcat · 30/01/2009 15:52

This is probably not much help, but the technique we use with Dd (8) is this

child x - You're well ugly

Sweetcat's DD - Thanks, I love being ugly, and said with a smile if poss.

Sounds strange, but we've explained that if she gets upset at any comments the other child will carry on. It seems to work so far, and for what it's worth, being called gay seems to be the "in" insult of the moment.

Actually I've just noticed that your DS is in yr 7, not age 7, so my advice may well be useless. Sorry, hopefully someone wiser than me will come along soon...

Original poster
MaryAnnSingleton · 30/01/2009 15:53

thank you sweetcat

OP posts:
bruxeur · 30/01/2009 15:56

If you want to gun up, you could always take it to the HM - bullying re sexuality is taken as seriously as racism now, so this kid may find it's not as funny as he thinks.

sweetcat · 30/01/2009 15:59

You are welcome. It sounds naive but it never ceases to amaze me how awful some kids can be and if your DS is sensitive it can make life hell. Hope you get it sorted...

nickschick · 30/01/2009 16:00

The very best response I heard to this was....

lots of pushing and shoving getting on the bus
1 lad to the other 'youre f**kin gay you are'

the other- a strapping muscley 6'lad says in really camp voice 'I am rather arent I? - isnt it jolly'

I thought it was fab!!!

nickschick · 30/01/2009 16:02

This is no help I know but ds2 is in year 8 I just asked him what to do .....'smack him in the mouth' gay is a v bad insult -apparently

nickschick · 30/01/2009 16:03

I realise that was no help and im not suggesting ds2 advice is correct or good.

Original poster
MaryAnnSingleton · 30/01/2009 16:04

thanks again - am more pissed off that it spoiled his feeling of success in chatting to another child in his year, he has been feeling lonely and unable to break into the friendship groups - this silly comment just took the shine off things. These things happen all the time in school I know, throw away comments probably forgotten by the person who says them, but ds is a bit sensitive to everything at the moment - I think he thought the boy he was talking to would then not like him - argh ! I try to explain but it's not easy is it ?

OP posts:
nickschick · 30/01/2009 16:07

My eldest ds was like that in year 7 it does eventually fall into place but you spend a long while waiting.

ds2 as you can gather has no such probs,having said that he hs been commended for encouraging other less confident kids to join in.

He's not all bad.

madlentileater · 30/01/2009 16:07

arghh
had a long post which just vanished-
DS (y8) suggestions
ignore
'well I think you must be gay as you are always bringing it up'
'jealous are you?'

Original poster
MaryAnnSingleton · 30/01/2009 16:09

is it helpful though,to respond ? I suppose the dilemma being that being gay isn't a wrong thing but you also want to stand up for yourself ..

OP posts:
Earthymama · 30/01/2009 16:14

I'll ask DP who works with teens, though it would be a brave YP who used gay as an insult
to any youth worker of my acquaintance!!

DD training as a Youth Worker and was gobsmacked that people say things like this wwhen they've grown-up, she was outraged by the discussion about 'paki'on the course ehe's attending.

Proud of child emoticon........though she's a mum herself so has made up her own mind really, but she's still my little girl!!

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 30/01/2009 16:18

I overheard one of DD1's friends being told 'you look really gay' in the playground last year. (Y6)
He laughed and said 'Yes, I do, don't I.'
Other boy walked off looking crestfallen.

Personally, if it were my DD I would be inclined to advise her to say something along the lines of 'and your problem with that is...?'

Original poster
MaryAnnSingleton · 30/01/2009 16:22

LGP - yes,that was one of my responses !

OP posts:
southeastastra · 30/01/2009 16:25

it seems to be the most used form of abuse for 11ish year olds ime. ds (15) just used to ignore them. tbh he didn't really want to mix with kids who were that umimaginative (it worked)

madlentileater · 30/01/2009 16:25

Just asked ds if people would be in trouble at school for saying 'you're gay'
he says yes
teacher would ask child to repeat it to check what was said then send child to isolation or give a detention.
I'm a bit suprised he was so clear what would happen.
Impressed.

bagsforlife · 30/01/2009 17:02

I would suggest he completely ignores anyone who says it to him. There's nothing worse than getting no reaction for the perpetrator.

Unfortunately the word 'gay' is used a lot of the time, it's just not worth him getting upset by it (I know it's wrong etc, etc, but it is so common place between pupils of that age, and many don't realise it can be construed as hurtful, they really don't). I think teachers are clamping down on its usage.

He should carry on being himself and being pleasant to those he wishes to be friends with.

It is very hard to think your DS is not making friends but I am sure he will and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being 'quiet', as I am sure you know. It does take a while for everyone to gel at secondary school. My DS2 (my 3rd DC) is Year 8 and I would say it took til the end of the Summer term in Year 7 for proper friendships to be made.

I

ladycornyofsilke · 30/01/2009 17:04

My ds says that he is actually gay when people say that to him. He doesn't think he is but it seems to shut people up.

MadamDeathstare · 30/01/2009 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 30/01/2009 17:06

'Yes, like all the coolest people.'

SoupDragon · 30/01/2009 17:07

Practise a withering look, as if they are the most pathetic things on the face of this earth. Which they are, of course.

stuffitllama · 30/01/2009 17:11

"at least I'm not a .." insert unacceptable word of choice
not as good as some of the other responses which are really, really good, particularly the "yes, so what? what's it to you" sort of thing.

It's so hard like you say a throwaway comment to one child, but to the other it can ruin a week.

shootfromthehip · 30/01/2009 17:12

The best one I heard (slightly older kids though) was 'I may well be gay but at least I'm not wearing that!' as they turned heels and walked away. I rofl at that one and the ambiguous nature of the insult. The recipient walked away sheepishly wondering which bit of their apparel was in question. Great.

Seriously though, if it gets worse a wee word with the class teacher wouldn't go amiss.

pointydog · 30/01/2009 17:13

Gay is the most common insult by far amongst boys round my way. They all say it and they say it so often it is almost meaningless. Everything and everyone is gay. So I think bags makes some relevant points.

I would say just to ignore that one but I do think deathstare's short retorts are very good and worth a try.

pointydog · 30/01/2009 17:14

(I had a disagreement with a very experienced teacher not so long ago when she said the word 'gay' meant something different in this context and she thought there was nothing wrong with saying it.)

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