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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

'perfect' girl in dd2s school - oh dear.

17 replies

Emily01 · 30/08/2008 05:34

Well my dd isn't very confident to begin with, now she's even less so because of a girl in her school. Don't get me wrong, this girl (I'll call her M) is lovely, but she seems to be good at everything. Even I feel intimidated! She makes her own clothes, has won dancing trophies, speech and drama awards, makes nice food, recently got a grade 8 piano and grade 5 violin, gets 100% on almost every single test, and now she has managed to get 11 As at GCSE. My dd is very clever, but due to certain issues, she can only do 9 GCSEs. She is a perfectionist and is already upset because the most she could get is '9 As, rather than 11'. What am I supposed to do about this?? I've told her that M will be bad at things too. I've also told her that 9 GCSEs is a good, respectable number but she won't listen. Has anyone experienced a similar situation, or can you offer advice?

OP posts:

claudiaschiffer · 30/08/2008 06:09

Emily, I really don't want to sound unsympathetic but jesuschristalmighty love! We all have to at some point, face up to the fact that we are not the prettiest/most talented/brightest/most succesful person. It surely isn't a bad lesson for your daughter to learn is it? I know such 'perfect' children can be blardy irritating but really one just has to accept that some people in this life are pretty gifted in lots of different areas, and us more normal folk can only gawp in awe at times.

Your daughter has done very well in her exams, play down the whole issue. There is no point comparing ourselves with others, she just has to do the best she can, not constantly focus on this rather gifted fellow pupil. For that way unhappiness lies.

Chin up.

twentypence · 30/08/2008 06:10

I have 9 GCSE (I think - certainly not 11) and they hadn't invented the star thingie and I have a Masters Degree now. The girl that intimidated me got shockingly bad (for her) A level result and ended up at a Polytechnic.

nametaken · 30/08/2008 19:56

my advice would be to take claudia's advice

Anna8888 · 30/08/2008 19:58

I think claudiaschiffer is right here

You just have to face up to the fact that there are a few Gods and Goddesses out there and that you aren't one. Stop comparing upwards and compare downwards for a change - that'll soon cheer you and your daughter up.

morningpaper · 30/08/2008 20:00

what Claudia said

Can you get her interested in things OUTSIDE of school?

nappyaddict · 30/08/2008 20:00

9 A's is amazing!! and it is true this girl might not be the best in a few years to come. I got 1 a, 9 As and 2 Bs. My sister got 2 Bs and the rest Cs. My sister ended up with a degree and I did not.

sarah293 · 30/08/2008 20:01

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morningpaper · 30/08/2008 20:02

I think I will be rubbish when my children are this age

I will be saying things like "So what? Let mummy show you how to mix a great Margarita..."

(I was going to say something ruder, but as it's not in Chat I will restrain myself)

Heated · 30/08/2008 20:04

There are children taking GCSEs that hold their pen in a fist & barely get their words to go straight along the line. Having taught in a pressured all girls school I think your dd needs to try and see the wider picture beyond the girls in her class.

SammyK · 30/08/2008 20:04

Can you discuss with your dd how much pressure this girl must feel. I was placed in the top classes academically at secondary school, and girls like this would sob their hearts out in themiddle of class if they got an A-!

Two extra GCSEs not going to make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of life. Your dd will just have less coursework to do than this other girl.

brimfull · 30/08/2008 20:04

does your dd go my dd's school

twentypence · 30/08/2008 20:32

Nothing is wrong with Polytechnic I went to one myself out of choice because the course was what I wanted to do.

My nemisis however was all set for a good university and then it all went wrong at A level somehow and to her being at a Poly was a massive step down.

It's come right for both of us and we are both happy and acheiving well as adults.

sarah293 · 30/08/2008 20:35

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gagarin · 30/08/2008 20:44

Why would your daughter worry about these things? Surely she must have met cleverer & prettier & more able kids before?

Why is she worrying about only having the chance of getting 9 GCSEs?

Where does this pressure come from? Have the school implied that all there is to life is GCSEs? Does she get a load of positive feedback for achievment and now she's worrying about failing?

Sounds as though she's feeling the pressure to succeed. From herself? From friends? From teachers? From her family?

Try pointing out all the people you know who did not get 9 GCSEs. And how most of these people are very happy.

And how GCSEs are totally irrelevant to life when you are your age!

Original poster

Emily01 · 30/08/2008 22:58

Thank you for the responses. I know it's true that there'll always be someone out there who will be better at things, but my dd just isn't accepting it. Her school is quite laid back (although there are lots of clever children, especially in her class!) and no one in her family is particularly pushy (well I'm not, and neither is dh). I'm sure this pressure comes from herself, but I can't understand why she feels the need to be best at everything. She does a few things outside of school and she's very interested in writing. I've tried talking to her about this, but it doesn't sink in. Maybe I'll have to wait until she works this out for herself.

OP posts:

claudiaschiffer · 30/08/2008 23:40

It is very difficult when your daughter is a perfectionist. Of course you want her to do well, and as she is obviously bright she will. But it is a shame she is putting such pressure on herself.

If it was me and my daughter was all uptight and stressed I would . . .

a. Bunk off for a day with her - go to the seaside/country walk/art gallery or something, have some time together and have fun. Listen to her outside of home/school environment. See if she can tell you what is going on for her.

b. Point out that although success in exams is important it should not be to the detriment of her happiness. Try to get a bit of perspective. Don't take life quite so seriously.

Good luck

Elkat · 01/09/2008 20:37

Agree that she must stop comparing herself with others - there will always be someone brighter / prettier / more musical or whatever it is!

I think another important point to remember, is that once your daughter has got her 'A' levels, no-one will be all that interested in her GCSEs any more, and once she has got her degree, no-one will care what her 'A' levels are. I don't even bother to state my GCSEs or my 'A' levels on my CV anymore, I just state that I have got 9 A - Cs at GCSE and 3 A levels. In many ways, for a child like your daughter, GCSEs and 'A' levels are often just stepping stones to the next step in their career - to get them where they want to go. It can be worth remembering for an over anxious child. HTH

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