What have I done

[petetong]

My ds is in year 7, her two best friends have turned on her over the last few weeks and been nasty. I wrote to the school asking if she could be swapped to a specific different class as she no longer wanted to be with these girls and had specific friends in the other class. I was told it wasn't possible, but persevered (in a nice way, not pushy or horrible) and I have just had a call from the school saying that yes they are happy to change her, but for various (good) reasons they can't change her to the class she wants to be in. I am really gutted and worried that she will now be put into a class with other girls that she doesn't even know. She is going to be so upset when she comes homes from school. I was only trying to do my best for her, but it has all gone wrong and she will have to start next year in a class of children when they have all had a year to gel with each other. I don't know what to say to her when she comes in from school.

All you can do is give her a choice:

1. She stays put and hopes the probs resolve themselves (they often do, ime)

1. She takes her chances with the other class.

She's old enough to decide that for herself, imo.

My DD's friend was desperate to be in with DD so her mother wrote a letter and not only were they put in different classes they were put in different streams so that they will never get the chance to be in any classes together!

Our Senior school very, very rarely takes into account parents requests.

is she being bullied? or is it just girls being horrible to eachother? Is this affecting her emotionally?
I volunteer in a school and they do it all the time to eachother, but soon make up. I know that won't make you or your little one feel any better but she can't get on with everyone all her life? What happens if theis happens again next year, will you ask her to be moved again? What happens when she reaches adulthood, you can't be there all the time to bail her out. I know you are trying to do the best for her but is moving her to another class the right thing to do?It seems like an awfully big disruption. Obvioulsy if she's being bullied then that's a different story all together and the school nees to nip this in the bud NOW. But have you thought of playtimes/lunchtimes when you can't possibly ask the MDA's to spend their time seperating them.

Sorry for being harsh I 'm not meaning to be.

You will just have to explain to her you've done the best you can and you can do no more and to tell a teacher if things worsen with these other girls.

This age they are very emotional, their hormones are all over the place and it's a hard enough time trying to figure out what the frig is going on, physically and emotionally.

Children make friends very quickly It won't be long before she makes new ones in her new class. All children love a new girl, they don't leave them alone and all of them want to be her friend

Something similar happened to me. I was moved from my class into a class full of girls that I didn't know.

I never quite forgave my mum for it. It was horrible.

I would suggest having something done about the bullies rather than teaching your daughter sacrifice her self because of other people's actions. Why should she move class?

But is it actually bullying?

Or just the usual horridness of 12 year old girls?

I would seriously think about leaving her in her class.
If it's falling out which believe me peaks in year 6/7/8 9 (I work with this age group) it does usually resolve itself. If it's serious bullying issues then our school would be more inclined to move the bully anyway rather than punish the victim.
Explain to the school that if she can't go with her other friends she would rather stay and see what they suggest to tackle the problem.

That 9 was meant to be bracket think they grow out of it more and have more long term established friendships by then.

I was in a year 7 class where we had a similar thing happen between 2 groups. We had tears almost every day from one or the other parties. However in about a fortnight it had all blown over (with some mediation from the form tutor) & now they are all best mates again.

I agree with Shiny; first of all, you need to establish if she is actively being bullied. If it is just that she has quarrelled with these girls and they don't get on any more, then you can't expect the school to change classes every time girls do that. It happens every week at that age.

If it is bullying, then the bullies should be moved, as mrsSnape says. But you need to be aware that the other girls may have a different view of the incident to your daughter.

Also, I don't think it's too much to expect a 12-year-old girl to move into a class where she doesn't know anyone- unless of course she has emotional problems that you haven't told us about. In dc's primary school classes are split up every year and usually no consideration given to friendships; they just get on with it.

Dd is now going up to secondary school and some of her friends will be going to schools where they don't know anyone.

But given your dd's age- why don't you just ask her to make up her mind as to whether she wants to stay in her class or go into the new one?

Thank you for all your comments. I couldn't reply earlier as I had dss school play last night. I have asked dd what she would prefer to do and she said that unless she can go with her other friends she will stay where she is. I must say that I didn't contact the school off my own back. I discussed everything with her and she agreed with everything that was done. The problem was not so much bullying as one main incident which happened which meant that she wouldn't be able to trust these girls again, they instigated a fairly major incident for her within the school. Both girls are aware that it was their fault and agree that the incident was as she describes. They have both been dealt with by the school. She has said that she knows that she can't trust them and will have to live with the fact that she will go through the first few years in school (until they take options) without having close friendships. I still think it is a sad situation, where she has spent a whole year building relationships just to end up in the same boat as when she first started. I think we all need friends and it will be hard for her to go through the next couple of years holding back from usual girly relationships.

Thank you for all your comments. I couldn't reply earlier as I had dss school play last night. I have asked dd what she would prefer to do and she said that unless she can go with her other friends she will stay where she is. I must say that I didn't contact the school off my own back. I discussed everything with her and she agreed with everything that was done. The problem was not so much bullying as one main incident which happened which meant that she wouldn't be able to trust these girls again, they instigated a fairly major incident for her within the school. Both girls are aware that it was their fault and agree that the incident was as she describes. They have both been dealt with by the school. She has said that she knows that she can't trust them and will have to live with the fact that she will go through the first few years in school (until they take options) without having close friendships. I still think it is a sad situation, where she has spent a whole year building relationships just to end up in the same boat as when she first started. I think we all need friends and it will be hard for her to go through the next couple of years holding back from usual girly relationships.

Surely she can't write off all possibility of friendships for years in advance? Unless there are only about 3 girls in the class, surely she has potentially another 12 girls to make friends with?