Unsettled in Whetstone - did we choose the wrong are?

[KermitTheF]

I moved to Whetstone just over a year ago and still don’t feel settled. My child commutes to a grammar school and I realise the commute is just longer than I had realised, and am not sure it’s sustainable. I am increasingly thinking we made the wrong choice and should have chosen a different area, despite thinking so hard about this before moving (and doing all the research). Our neighbours are so unfriendly and one side are actively hostile - such a shame. I have tried so hard but just feel really sad. This is supposed to be our forever home and although the building is lovely, the area isn’t right. We are isolated - a good walk from shops, and although starting to meet people it’s hard and no one is really interested. We also have significant building work to do and it’s all just too much. I miss being in an area which is more lively.

I’ve never lived anywhere where I haven’t felt at home. I wonder if we should have considered Southgate instead but now can’t ever move because of stamp duty. My husband doesn’t seem to feel this sadness, but I feel it so strongly. Will this get better? :-(

Have you joined any local groups to help integrate? I know it's definitely easier said than done! I felt so unsettled in the last town we lived in but joining the local book group helped hugely as I met local friends. There is one near you in Chipping Barnet library Chipping Barnet library book club | Barnet Council. How does your dc find the commute?

Poor you to feel unsettled.. what do you think is wrong with the neighbours? they are only two people/families amongst loads of other people..
You're not into growing your own veggies or anything? only i know there are allotments just up from there and that will be a different community..

I am sorry to hear this OP. I have lived here for decades and really like it. I am within walking distance of the high road and find the local bus service very good, especially to Finchley, Barnet and local hospitals. My DC went on the bus to school in Finchley with no problems. I am sorry that you have unpleasant neighbours. I think that is the hardest thing to cope with and overshadows everything else. My DC did swimming, tennis, rugby, squash at local clubs and guides, scouts locally too. I am not sure what is going on these days as my Dc are grown up and away now. There are various community groups and organisations though, maybe you just haven't found them yet.

Thanks - the kids all do local activities - football, scouts, swimming etc but it just feels so isolated. We’re not that far from the high road either, but far enough that we can’t just run out and pick stuff up (we are near Oakleigh Park station). Houses are all v big. Neighbours on one side are superficially ok but not welcoming. On the other side, they are sadly just not nice or friendly to us - haven’t even met all of them, which is super weird. I am torn between loving the space and hating the isolation. Have met parents through local school but I just feel we made a mistake living too far from a high street.

dc finds commute long - it’s to a grammar in Enfield.

Yes, this is a good point. The houses are all so big on our street we don’t see people. Everyone drives everywhere - such a change from where we were before. Neighbours - no idea. I guess they are very private, but I find it very upsetting. I feel like I am living in a vacuum sometimes.

I see. Yes, the bus service from Barnet to Enfield is very poor. Unfortunately you are crossing to the next borough. I can completely understand your problem now. That said, I personally wouldn't want to live in Enfield or Southgate.
I would consider the walk from Oakleigh Park Station to be an easy distance to the High road shops, tbh, but I guess it is a very personal thing. I didn't know there was a grammar school in Enfield, so I am no help with that I am afraid. I wonder if there is a better route you don't know about.

Oh. I have just realised the school you mean. I am sorry - that is a nightmare to get to.

Yes - not easy to get to Latymer, although we had thought we’d done due diligence before deciding to move here. Considering travelling from Southgate instead..

Is there a coach?

There is, but it would involve an even earlier start! DS takes a public bus but with a reasonable walk either end. It just isn’t as straightforward as we thought it would be, sadly.

Has something changed with the buses between you doing research and moving?

Any chance of car pooling? Is there a class rep or parents association? I expect you have already thought of that. I am sorry, it is very difficult.

No, in all honesty it hasn’t - the bus journey length is roughly the same as the bus journey length would have been from our old area. I think we didn’t factor in enough the walking time to the bus stop in morning and from the bus stop to school. The bus itself is actually fine, but it’s the added walking time - feel pretty stupid tbh, after we spent months researching. We wanted to position ourselves in between 2 grammars as we weren’t sure which he would move to but couldn’t wait until after results came out. The early starts are a lot, but maybe it will be ok and maybe I am overreacting. I just wish it was shorter for our DS. They get the bus with another couple of kids.

Thanks - car pooling not an option as everyone needs their kids to get there on their own if they can. We have other children at a local primary too - it’s such a jigsaw.

Isn’t Whetstone quite nice?

I dithered about replying to this because I don’t have kids. But when I moved, to an area where I thought I knew people, I was quite shocked and after a year I was probably still pretty miserable. The people who were all “ Oh yay, you are moving here” didn’t actually want to socialise.

I think it’s a lot to do with the fact that people don’t really chat anymore. I did eventually get to know some people, but the whole exercise of trying to meet people has made me learn a lot about people…. And I think there’s been a massive change in how people socialise. And to some extent, they don’t. Round here I definitely have the issue that they don’t really want to mix with a single child free woman.

Are you on a street WhatsApp group? That will help. Also, I would sign up to whatever you can find. If you’re into any sports, I think that would really help.

I’ve been here three years now and I’m much happier. It tends to go in waves. Most people drive where I am so there’s not much chance of bumping into people.

did you move very far? I’m about two hours away from my old area so it was important to me to try and integrate into the new one. Also having a friendship crisis before I moved here so…yeah.

you could try setting up a Meetup yourself?

Also, just to say, your post has made it occur to me… I am really struck by how people dash off after an evening class now. Going to the pub after isn’t really a norm anymore. So I just realised the same thing probably applies to kids activities. Or maybe it always did …I don’t know because you’ll be rushing to get the kids to bed or whatever?

hopefully there will be some things around Christmas that you can go to.

Thanks for replying - I’m sorry you’ve had a tough time, but it sounds like things are improving? I moved only a few miles from my old neighbourhood - which was hugely buzzy and couldn’t leave house without bumping into 10 people I knew/knew staff in shops and cafes etc etc. I feel like I have been quite suddenly cut off from everyone and you’re completely right that people don’t socialise now. I have lots of friends who would rather What’sapp than meet - so sad. So few of my friends who live elsewhere in London want to come to our new place - it’s like we’ve moved to the other end of the world. We couldn’t get a large house where we used to live and what we have here is huge amounts of space, which we really needed and I know are lucky to have. I wonder if it has all been worth it, but moving again would be awfully disruptive for the kids and they have already ensured school moves. I just feel really sad.

Yes, you have train, walk, bus, walk. It is long for a year 7 kid. I wish I could suggest something but it really is a challenge.

Can you find a way to drop them at the bus stop in the mornings at least or can you afford a car service to do it?

Would the 34 bus from the high road towards Walthamstow be easier? It goes from ORN to North Mid. Still 2 walks, but only one bus.

I feel for you, we moved house to a less convenient location for my son's bus to school during covid when there were no buses and we had no idea when they would run again. We needed the room due to starting to WFH (and our sons bedroom was tiny at the old house also).

I felt stressed about the commute for the remainder of his time at school and I used to drop him at the bus stop and collect him from the same, until a new route turned up a few years in that made it easier. If he was ill or had a particularly busy day I'd drive him to school but I appreciate I was lucky to be able to do this (one child, flexible hours)

What I will say is that I'm not sure he found it as bad as I thought it was. He was up at 6:45 for seven years and out the door before 7:30.

Anyway I'm rambling ...I would have found this doubly hard if I also did not feel comfortable in the house / area.

That’s what we do at the moment - still long

Looking at this reply underlines my feeling that moving wouldn’t solve your problem

The problem isn’t the area, I think probably you and I don’t suit the way society is now? Maybe lots of people don’t? I don’t know. Clearly there are lots of people who absolutely love it and they are usually very vocal on here.

It’s interesting to me that you’ve only moved a few miles away, but you feel isolated. I really missed the people - casual acquaintances from my local area, and I felt so isolated, I thought about moving back.

fortunately, I realised that things have changed rather than it being to do with my location, and I really much prefer this area. (I was in a not good part of London).

anyway, the commute for DS is a separate issue, but I really don’t think you will find the friendship landscape different anywhere else. If you like the area you are in, then I definitely wouldn’t move with the idea that people may be friendlier somewhere else, or more open to meeting up in person.

I actually think my part of the world is very friendly, but even the local community centre no longer runs anything in the evening. I would say that local retirees are very socially active but other people much less so. So it’s a friendly vibe, in the sense that if you bump into people they will chat to you, so hopefully over time, you’ll have those passing acquaintance chats as well. It makes a difference.

It’s actually really shocking to be in this position from having had good friends in the past…. But this is where I am and judging from posts on here, a lot of people are in that space as well.