Teenage Girl Year 9

[HonestPoster]

Please tell me Year 9 gets easier for girls?
Daughter has a large friend group of about 12 but within it all have their own groups. Daughter floats between the lot making sure she keeps in touch etc. Doesn’t feel like she has anyone to talk to properly/rely on.
They have been leaving her out and don’t make effort to include her in conversations.
Daughter struggles with anxiety but is honest with friends. Sent them a lovely message explaining how she feels but they continue to leave her out!
heartbreaking as a Mum!

Hi OP,

We hope you don't mind, but we're just popping by to bump this post for you.

Coral

First things first, please tell her not to ever send a ‘lovely message’ about how she feels to a group of pre-teen girls ever again. They won’t care and certainly won’t change because she’s told them how she feels. They’re all too immature at this age to do anything but focus on themselves.

Are there any other girls she can make friends with? If not, can you get her to join activities outside of school where she could make friends? These girls, for whatever reason don’t want to be her ‘best friend’. It’s ok for her to be friends with them but not to expect more. Girls of that age can be mean, cold and unwilling to put their heads above the parapet. For whatever reason (and I’m sure none of the girls know why) she has been put into the role of ‘one of the group’ but not ‘one of the besties’.

She’s done nothing ‘wrong’ but the message will single her out as desperate. As these girls don’t have the emotional maturity to respond to it, I’d advise her to back off, be herself and bide her time. She’ll find her tribe. Many girls struggle at this age. As long as there’s no bullying you just need to help her navigate secondary school. She will eventually find friends she gels with.

It’s hard to watch your DD struggling with friendship groups. It will get better. Probably not as quickly as you’d both like. Ask her what she thinks is so good about this group of girls? If they’re so standoffish, why does she want to be friends with them? What does she find so great about them? And please tell her that she never, ever has to do the ‘pick me’ dance. If they can’t see how fabulous she is, that’s their problem, not hers.

Thank you so much, this really makes me feel like I’m not failing. My daughter’s anxiety is part of this but she thinks about everyone else and I guess bases their behaviour on how she behaves - kind and caring.
I have gone to school for support. I really hope she does find her tribe.

OP, my daughter was in the same boat, always on the periphery. To be honest she still hasn't found her tribe and she's year 13 now. But what she did find was one incredibly good and solid friend outside of the herd. Maybe yours will be the same and prefer 1 on 1 friendships rather than feeling part of a big group.

Teachers at DD’s (all girls) school said year 9 was the absolute worse for friendships and it definitely was for DD. I don’t have much useful advice other than it got better!

You’re definitely not failing. My DD really struggled at this age, as she couldn’t understand why the other girls behaved the way they did. It sounds like your daughter is a lovely kind and caring girl. She doesn’t need to change, they do.

Just keep reminding her not to take their behaviour personally. Tell her how lovely she is and try and laugh about the ‘pack mentality’ of the girls who are too scared to step outside of the herd. It does get better!

I have read lots that Year 9 is the beast. I was hoping it wouldn’t be true. Back to school on Monday is going to be tough! Thanks for the lovely replies.

Secondary teacher here - I know a year is a long time for a teenager but there seems to be a big reshuffle once y10 gets under way - maybe as they get into options a bit more. Even set friendship groups have leavers and joiners and it all settles down a bit.

Not for everyone obviously but y10 does seem to calm it down.

Are there any nicer girls she could befriend? Normally there are some nice ones in each school year and some not so nice ones. Same with boys.

Our school recommended that parents read this to understand and help navigate teen friendships

https://amzn.eu/d/06aFYKFf

The book I’ve linked