Bursary recipients - need your advice!

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I am having a last minute wobble and really need first-hand advice from those in a similar situation to me. My daughter is very bright and currently in a state school. She does not feel sufficiently challenged and at the Head's suggestion we have been preparing (albeit very lightly) for the 11+. At the eleventh hour I am having serious doubt about whether this is the right path for her.

We are bursary applicants and should she be accepted we could only go if she is awarded one. My concern is about what her experience will be like as a result of this. I am worried about potential bullying, or her developing a sense of 'imposter syndrome' or a lack of confidence/ sense of inferiority because she is not from a wealthy family like a lot of her peers will be.

When visiting schools, on two occasions children mentioned to me either they/ their friends hid the fact they are bursary recipients as they worried about the consequences/ shame. This was really worrying to hear.

All I want is for my daughter to be happy and confident. As a plus I would love her to have an excellent education and access to a wide range of co-curricular activities. Hence considering independent schools. We, of course, have state options but of the ones we visited, none even compare to the private schools we saw (and why would they).

I would love to hear from other families whose children are bursary holders about what their children's experience has been like at independent school.

Thank you so much!

I forgot to mention, we are in London (although would love to hear from those nationwide) and so any personal experience with schools in London would be a plus!

Even at private schools among full-fee paying students there will be huge variation. Eg of those in my family: single parent with one child and normal job, nice house but paying fees with inheritance; extreme wealthy business owners with property all over the world, has chef and staff incl driver, child goes home to exeat by helicopter; another child has parents both medical consultants working in the NHS, live in nice but normal London terraced house, one holiday per year and school seen as a priority for spending.

teenagers have a radar for wealth and compare all the time. I think it depends what your circumstances are. Be aware your child may be asked to do things you can’t afford (trips with school, holidays with friends). If your child gets a bursary the etiquette is to not mention it. One family member’s child gets one due to change in finances and even the child doesn’t know.

Thank you for your input. I feel I would be silly to not at least try for my daughter. I just worry about doing more harm than good.

It depends on the schools' ethos and demographics. I'm a single parent with no assets, DC was at a selective private school in London where the majority of families were very down to earth, mostly working professionals or small to medium business owners. My DC was absolutely fine there.

There are certain London schools that are known for their uber wealthy intake, the atmosphere may be different there, but they usually don't do 11+ so I guess you're not targeting those schools 😁

11 plus gets her into good state schools, no bursary needed. Most children will need it for good private bursary or not. If you are lucky enough to get a bursary go for it. Your child or her peers probably won't know unless you talk about it. Give up with the psychoanalysis, it's fine.

Which schools are known for the uber wealthy? I know FH fits that criteria, but not sure of any others.

Would you also mind sharing which school your child attended? Please PM if you prefer.

I am aware I am probably thinking too much into it. I should probably just relax. It just would be great to have some reassurance from others in my position. At my daughter's state school we are not aware of anybody in her year doing the 11+ so there is nobody to ask.

We, of course, have state options but of the ones we visited, none even compare to the private schools we saw

Perhaps the state schools near you aren't that great. Having toured both a super-selective grammar and some independent options, I find them easily comparable—my DD even preferred the facilities at the grammar school, though that might be a bit of a stretch for me, apart from the fact that the grammar school does have a much bigger campus. The grammar school teachers left a fantastic impression on us, the students were bright and confident, and the standard of music was outstanding—which seems good enough for us. We shouldn't forget how much independent schools rely on eye-catching presentation, nor the fact that historically quite a few of them were actually grammar schools for decades before going private.

...(and why would they).

Yes, a state school costs zero to families, but it is certainly not unfunded! It is supported by the entire base of UK and local taxpayers. Yes, funding per pupil is just a fraction of a private school tuition, but well-established state schools can frequently leverage major public capital grants for state-of-the-art building projects, which is why their quality and facilities can be comparable to independent options—aside from a few exceptionally well-endowed private schools.

You would be well advised to apply only to wealthy schools with well established bursaries - ideally funded through centuries old endowments. And they should offer them to a good proportion of new pupils every year - not just one or two.

I find you can tell something about the ethos of the school by just how much information they provide on bursaries on their website sites. If the information is sufficient to make you feel confident that it’s worth a try, that’s a good thing. If they offer so little information that you’re left confused and uncertain it suggests a more hole in the corner attitude.

In truth you need to pick the schools with immense care, and then proceed with an enormous amount of optimism and determination. The right school will want your child and will be striving to provide an environment where she can thrive.

My kids are at selective, sought after private school in an area of London that is known as very affluent. There are a broad range of families at the school. At opposite end of the scale - families live in mansions/have staff and drivers/take multiple holidays a year, to those who live in council properties or small flats (who I presume are on bursaries). In the middle are a wide range of families who have different circumstances and levels of wealth.

Our family falls into the middle - but my kids have friends at either end of the scale. They might notice if someone seems to come from a super-wealthy family ('oh wow, they have a swimming pool!' or whatever) but there really is NO discussion about wealth, or judgement around the far less affluent.

They are far too polite for that, and would have no clue who is on a bursary or not. They are far too caught up in themselves and being teenagers to dwell on different circumstances tbh, and the school treats bursaries in the strictest of confidence - your dd's future friends wouldn't know she had one! Please don't worry and good luck to your dd.

My children went to top private schools in London. I think there's a difference between academically elite private schools and others which amount to the local comp for the wealthy.

We're not wealthy, more like very comfortable and we never felt out of place with the other parents some of whom are seriously wealthy.

I found it very interesting to hear about how some of the families made their money and I do think it inspired and opened the eyes of both my children about paths and careers they might not have come to know about at our local state secondary.

We went down the private route because for several years it was the only option for my disabled DS1. DS2 has just started university. He had two scholarships at his private school, plus my DH was offered a job at the school post-VAT to enable DS2 to remain there. We live in a small house on a main road.

None of his school friends ever gave two hoots. It wasn’t a ‘big name’ or particularly ‘posh’ school, but there’s a huge mix of backgrounds and wealth there.

He’s actually more guarded about other people asking him which school/type of school he went to, because many people seem to have preconceived ideas about private school families.

In our London state primary plenty of people did the 11 plus either for state grammar or private (some paying, some grandparents chipping in, some trying for bursaries). So DD2 has plenty of friends who did go on bursaries and also knows some through music. To be honest, now in year 13 I cannot tell the difference between those who went grammar, private (however funded) nor excellent state comp. They are all ending up where they were going to based on ability and family backing anyway (cultural and social and educational capital mainly).
So I would not overthink it too much. If she is a high achieving good girl she will be fine. The concern is more if she were to go off the rails behaviour wise and if they would likely then try and get rid of her. But if she has a good steady character that is unlikely to happen.

My son was at a super selective school with 15% of students who were on bursaries some 100% bursaries. I would not be able to tell you who they were

No one knows who is on a bursary - in fact the offer letter with my son's bursary told me it was confidential and not to be discussed.

I worried about not being able to 'keep up' but frankly London is so diverse that many of the families could be bursary recipients - it's hard to tell. I've socialised with parents at their homes - some modest some less modest. I've jostled with many parents at the used uniform sales as they complained about the cost of endless replacing lost items. The school trips are highly sought after so far more don't go on them than do. And the costs of music lessons, trips, and other extras seems in line with any state school.

Most importantly my son doesn't feel like an outsider. If anything I think he feels more comfortable now that he's no longer the tall poppy in the class, which is the reason his state primary teachers suggested he try for a selective independent school.

Exactly this.

My son has a large bursary at a top London super selective and the wealth differential has never been an issue. As someone said, there would always be someone wealthier, with a bigger house, anyway!

Labels aren’t that cool with teens anymore, on the whole, especially with girls, who all seem to buy from Shein, regardless of wealth!

And as someone else also said, there will be loads on some level of bursary. My son considers his a bit of a badge of honour!