Please be kind . School refusal.

[FancyDreamer]

Please be kind, I honestly don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything.

My teenager has had some real real issues with secondary education, they were horrifically bullied in their first school, resulting in an incident at school that left them hospitalised. This caused severe anxiety, which we got therapy for whilst home educating as we waited for a space at a second.school. I thought I was doing a good job home educating, but it really impacted my career and I lost my job - since then I’ve found it really difficult to find a new job.

Fast forward to Y11 and my child is taking GCSEs, they’re obviously struggling, so I’ve got a tutor to support but the anxiety is building and we are dealing with a lot of school refusal - which I know isn’t going to help.. it’s a toxic cycle.

“I don’t care about prom” “I’m not going to get into college so why bother?” etc etc I’ve tried so hard to support and scaffold this. It’s completely anxiety based refusal. The school is on my back about attendance which I understand but honestly every single day I just feel sick that it’s going to be another battle left right and centre whilst trying to get all the kids to school, job seeking, being a single parent; running the home, affording everything with my savings massively massively depleted.

I’m sat here just wanting to scream and shout and cry this morning but swallowing it and remaining calm and supportive. I just don’t know how much more I can do this,

i have friends who have turned to medication for a similar situation and it has helped immensely. It’s obviously not addressing the root of the problem, but it can help make things a lot more manageable while issues are addressed more in depth.

Can he study for his GCSEs at home and take off the pressure of going into school?

He was significantly bullied and ended up hospitalised. That's huge. He must be really suffering.

I would change tack and tell the school that it isn't working and you want the pressure off him to attend lessons and he needs more support or a different type of placement.
If he doesn't get his gcses at the normal time it isn't the end of the world.

Your poor son. I would make a deal with him (and the school): You let him stay home but in return he works hard for English, mathematics and up to three other subjects he likes and then he sits the exams at school. (If he doesn't like any of his subjects, doing just English and maths is also fine.) Get a tutor for English and maths and tell him if he does not engage, it is back to school. Poor child, I really feel for him and it is terrible to put pressure on him in this situation but his life will be so much easier if he does get GCSEs in English and maths.

If the school refuses this arrangement (likely, to be honest), maybe you can enrol him in online school (I think King's Interhigh or something similar). It is expensive, but I think in some cases, the LEA pays for it but I'm not sure what the requirements are.

Your son is presumably 15/16. You don't need to stay home with him when he studies. Just let him deregister from school and prepare for English and Maths as a private candidate. He only needs those two GCSEs for college (and most colleges would take him without anyway). It will remove a lot of the stress and battles.

Has he changed school from the one where he was hospitalised? If not it must be very hard to keep returning…
woould he consider going elsewhere now? Or else repeat the year or like others have said, just get the bare GCSEs as a private individual…

I’m going to try and reply to all comments.

@BibbityBoppityTwo weve been onto the GP so much asking for help with this and just keep getting sent back to talking therapy, and they can’t prescribe.

@Branleuse @SoftIce my other son goes to the same school. So at drop off this morning I went in to speak to the head of year and basically just said it’s not working and there’s too much pressure. They’ve agreed to meet us tomorrow morning with no expectations to attend tomorrow but to discuss what can be put in place to support. So that’s good.

@XelaM I have looked a lot at alternative routes today, I didn’t realise there were so many options. Yes I know I don’t have to stay home whilst he studies but finding a job in my field now is extremely difficult. I’m applying for 10+ every day, and going to interviews atleast twice a week. Despite having 14 years experience and a degree, my age is against me and now a gap in employment too.

@EdgarAllenRaven yes, he has moved. Completely out of our catchment area to ensure no paths were crossed with friends of bullies etc. He was bullied in Y7&8, hospitalised in Y8 at the beginning so we home educated for the rest of Y8 and Y9 until a space became available in our chosen school at the end of Y9.

WTAF!!
The LA/Academy Trust who allowed your child to be so badly bullied as to need hospitalisation should be facilitating DC's education in any way possible. That could be a home tutor, or an alternative placement (most likely a PRU). There should have been no waiting for a place at another school. Have you had legal advice? If not see a solicitor PDQ, at least for the free consultation. You may find a company who will do a No Win No Fee deal for you.

That’s so frustrating. I mean, talk therapy and similar approaches are probably what will help most long term, but it sounds like you’ve got a short term crisis on your hands. I used to be quite anti-medication but these days I think anything that helps when a person is struggling so much needs to be considered. It’s a shame your GP won’t look at this option. Have you asked about it directly?

I'd just pull him out, op and focus on online learning. Youre doing a good job in shite circumstances xx

We're just at the other end of this, OP, and removing pressure was easily the best, most effective thing we did. We were able to work with school to agree and bare minimum of attendance and study toward a set suite of qualifications. College were thrilled with three passes and, after years of emotionally based school avoidance (a problematic term in itself), we're taking baby steps toward the next new thing. Wishing you strength, in solidaritet.

Hi, OP. I don’t have answers for your situation but wanted to offer empathy and solidarity.

Two of my children have struggled similarly in the education system, and I’ve spent about 8 years of my life battling to have their needs met. It’s brutal. It can leave you a shell of who you were before. Not to mention what it does to our children.

There is hope - one of mine has done re sits of her GCSE exams and qualified for a place at an excellent sixth form. She’s “lost” a year, but ultimately it doesn’t matter as she now has a clear path forward and since she got out of that particular school environment, her mental health has improved tenfold.

My other is still struggling, and I don’t know what the answer will be, ultimately. Considering home educating, as the LA like to ignore section 19 requests where I am.

Wishing you the best going forwards. It’s a truly painful and stressful situation 💐

You have my sympathy, this is exhausting and very common, even if it doesn't feel it. One thing that helped people I know: separate the attendance problem from the qualifications problem. They feel like one crisis but they have different solutions and different timescales. If school isn't workable right now, qualifications are still very much possible later, including outside school, so try not to let the fear of 'ruining her exams' drive every decision this term. Has the school offered anything in the way of a reduced timetable or any assessment of what's behind it?

Thank you everyone for your warm responses. I didn’t realise it was so common and definitely feel less alone.

No, no discussion of reduced timetable or assessments.

Also, we were told he could drop a subject if he got to Y11 and really struggled, so we requested that mid Y10 and have been chasing it up, only to be told he can’t. He chose design tech specifically as one he wouldn’t mind dropping and is now being told he’s 1. failing the subject and 2. needs to catch up and stay behind after school to improve.

He doesn’t mind staying behind for subjects he actually wants to pass and already does for Math English and History but to stay behind for a subject he has no interest in, is a step too far.