How can I help my daughter - friendship issues at secondary school?

[FluffyDachshunds]

I have 3 DD - all very different girls. The two older ones are both at the same school and there have been many friendship dramas in DD1's year, but she doesn't make friends easily and therefore hasn't been particularly involved in any of them.

DD2 is a very different. Friendly, gregarious, calm, sensible and the bringer of peace and inclusivity whichever group she's in. No significant friendship dramas in the year group and nothing in her group either except a little bit of drama caused by one girl who then seemed to settle down.

At the end of last academic year, which was DD2's first year in senior school, during the last week of term the person who had been stirring earlier in the year decided to cause more issues, this time for DD2. She was utterly baffled by this and cried herself to sleep on more than one occasion and was ostracised at the school bus stop for the bus that a number of the girls use, which is still happening now the new term has started.

I'm sure that if it hadn't been the end of the year this would all have worked itself out naturally but as the summer holidays intervened things are still bad, DD2 can't see a way back and she's like a little popped balloon. She has lost all her sparkle and she dreads the bus. She's now also in the same class as a number of the people from the old friendship group, as they mixed them all up at the end of last year.

I know now she's at senior school there's little I can do, whereas you have more ability to help at junior school, but does anyone have any advice on how I can help her or reassurance that it will get better.

Keep an eyes on her phone use and social media to make sure no bullying outside of school at home

How was her summer? Did she get together with friends?

My DD sounds very similar to your DD2. In Y7 she befriended a girl who was kind but had some quirks, and the mean girls looked down to DD and another friend due to their association with the quirky girl. The form had nearly all lessons together in Y7 so it was a constant drip of negativity.

DD was also ostracised at the bus stop as one of the mean girls took her bus, and it made the journey a bit less safe for DD as these were public buses and she couldn’t rely on the others to help her if anything happened.

Fortunately for DD, this happened earlier Y7, and when it came to the final weeks and she knew the school would be forming new teaching groups for Y8, DD spoke to the head of year to ask for the ringleader of the mean girls to be put in a separate teaching group from DD and her two friends. DD made it clear that she wasn’t asking to be with her friends but was only asking for the mean girl not to be put in any of their classes.

The head of year listened to DD and split them all up. DD was free to form new friendships. In Y8-9 DD still found it difficult to speak up in form where she felt judged by the mean girls, but her form tutor was understanding, and over time the meanness just dissolved. I guess the mean girls found their own confidence (meanness tends to be a front to hide insecurity) and realised that DD was ok!

My advice is to encourage your DD to be herself. Don’t try to pander to the mean girl. Try to shut it out of her mind and make new friends and continue to be nice to people. It will pay off in the long run.

It took quite a long time for my DD, but she is well liked at school.

I tried to suggest that but they're all part of the same friendship group so she found it hard to reach out and none of them reached out to her. It was too late in the school year for her to have started trying to make other friends so now she feels like she's stuck in this friendless loop because the new school year has started and she's got nobody at the moment. It was a fairly bleak summer for her compared to usual!

And we are monitoring her phone to an extent but she's been dropped from all the chats, which is almost harder for her to deal with than active nastiness.

I just want to pick her up and give her a big cuddle and fix it all for her, but I can't 😢

State or private?

State grammar

I could have written your post a year ago OP!

Almost the exact thing happened to my daughter who sounds very similar to yours. I can't lie, Y10 was horrible for her. She was completely ostracised (for an absolutely bizarre drama that had nothing to do with her but she got somehow dragged into). Y10 was awful, but things were much better in Y11 and she joined the "geeky" group of nice kids rather than the popular queen bees she was part of before (although they weren't really her people, they were nice and she had a group to hang out with at school and when you're in a group it's so much easier and people don't bother you). She was happy in Y11 and ended up with really good grades as well.

Also, encourage out of school friendships. My daughter does a sport and had friends to hang out with outside of school.

Now she's at college and it's a complete fresh start 👍

P.S. What absolutely did not help was trying to get things resolved via the school and teachers - made things much worse!

It is good you know what’s going on and that your Dd can talk to you. Leaving her out and ostracising her is still bullying and she could talk to school about that.
Think about building her self esteem so that this matters less. What does she do out of school? What friends does she have elsewhere? Look at the Childline website and support her all the way to mind less. Sooner or later she will find her tribe and all you can do is be there

Year 8 is notorious for this. Some girls think they are cool or want to be queen bee and leaving people out who don’t fit their image is very common.

Happened to my eldest and she felt genuinely lost. There was no mean girl behaviour from the others, they just started hanging out together less and less. She paired up with another girl going through the same in her form - she had never really spoken to her before. By the start of Y9 it was clear they were each other’s “people” and they kind of acquired more girls in the friendship group throughout Y9 and 10. They are the loveliest group of girls ever who are supportive, kind and caring and can genuinely be themselves around each other. She acknowledges that the other group just weren’t people she wanted to hang out with either.

I guess what I’m saying is it won’t be easy but encourage her to talk to other people she knows and likes but perhaps doesn’t see them as friends yet. She might be pleasantly surprised!

Why is state or private relevant?! Are girls not mean at private school?! I think not!

Poor you but she needs to press on perhaps encourage her to reach out to other girls. Dd2 had this in year 8 if it’s any consolation she now has legions of devoted friends. The mean girls are irrelevant and long forgotten.

oh calm down

If it’s private - much smaller class and much more intense 😆

Thanks all. Good to know there's a positive end to most of these stories, and I know it often happens and most of the time it all works out fine, it's just sad seeing them feeling so down.

IME there is a lot of movement in friendship groups around year 8. Your DD is feeling left out of her old group but has she tried approaching other groups? I'm sure there is a group that will welcome her. Friendship groups definitely aren't fixed at this age.

I also echo the advice above about friendships outside school which can really be a boost if things are tricky at school. Does she do any activities after school?

Oh bless her, girls can be so unkind. I don't think there's a lot you can do, but as above, ostracising is still bullying so if it becomes intense then I would discuss with school potentially.
I'd just do as much as you can to build her confidence and keep her busy. Encourage her to talk to people she might not have been friends with before- do they have lunch clubs or after school clubs she can join (after school will mean she can avoid the bus too) that way she might meet a different group. Get her to focus on outside of school hobbies too. Friends come in lots of forms (I remember one birthday my school friends were off for some reason but I celebrated with my hobby friends and it was lovely). Spend time just as a family or the two of you, so she isn't stuck at home staring at the phone. Coffees, shopping etc whatever she wants to do. Its good she can talk to you and share all this, that's a great reflection of you. I'm sure it'll all calm down soon or she will meet some nicer friends.

Im not sure what your daughters form tutor is like but not sure if you could reach out to them on the quiet to see if any subtle measures can be taken to help. My school encourages these conversations and it’s quite normal although know it can be quite tricky in some schools. It is so difficult though and hope she’s ok.

What does she do out of school? Any clubs? Hobbies?

Doesn't matter that your DD is in secondary school, if someone is bullying/humiliating/isolating her, you approach the school to deal with it.
The fact that the other girl stirred at the end of term and it hasn't blown over during the summer and things haven't started well this term means you need to go in and get it sorted. The mixing up of the class groups won't have helped.
Absolutely approach her head of year or form tutor for support.
I was bullied all the way through primary and secondary school. My parents always had my back and spoke to the school. They never complained about having to deal with the situation.

Regarding after school activities - yes, she's very busy and active with a hobby that takes up 3 nights a week plus Saturdays and she has friends there, but they're always busy doing the hobby and they're all different ages so don't tend to socialise outside the place where the hobby takes place.

She has been reaching out to people (as far as I can tell) and has arranged to meet someone when she gets to school tomorrow, so hopefully won't feel quite so alone. I guess it's just daunting when everyone seems to be hanging around together in groups, particularly when you're feeling in a bit of a socially precarious position.

Friendship issues are horrible - and I agree that Year 8 is often a bad time for girls. My own DD was very upset in Year 8 when a girl who had previously been her closest friend suddenly caused a whole load of silly drama and decided to stop being friends with her.

It was obviously very much rooted in jealousy with the ex best friend, and my dd fortunately had other friends which did help in this situation, but she was still very hurt and baffled. Interestingly, over time, all their 'mutual friends' gravitated to my dd, and this other girl continues to fall out with anyone else who becomes close to her.

That might not help right now for your dd, but in time she'll not only find her people, but might even find that other girls see the disruptive girl for what she is, and rekindle friendship with her....

In my experience, speaking to the school/Head/HOY has made it much worse every time, particularly as it's difficult to prove bullying when all they're doing is ostracising/excluding her rather than actively saying mean things.

A few girls noticed she was on her own and invited her to join their little buddy group and now they’re all excitedly planning to go out at the weekend and drink bubble tea! Apparently they had grander plans to spend the day shopping but then they all realised none of them had enough money to buy hundreds of things so they settled for bubble tea followed by heading back to one of their houses to listen to Olivia Rodrigo.

Fingers crossed this is the start of a nicer bunch of friendships, but it’s just so nice to see her with a little bit of her skippiness back. 😀

Ah that’s lovely news and a relief for you!
Great to see what a bit of kindness can do 😀

This happened to me. I was ostracised from a group. This was a common occurrence in my school. I was at an private school with very mean girls. Igroups would just chuck someone out every few months like sport. I was sort of it as well as a. Victim. It happened to me in my exam year. I still don't know how I passed them. It scars me for years and killed my self esteem. I went off ten rails.

my parents did nothing and showed no interest. So you are doing better than them. This will help so I think the best thing to do is just be there for her. Even if she doesn't want to talk. Let her lead how she wants to handle it. Maybe talk to the school and let them know what's happened. Your daughter has just started secondary so there is time for her to make new friends. I'd also encourage her to do stuff outside school where this clique mean nothing . In so sorry she is going through this.

Too jump on this - your comment about college being a fresh start has warmed my heart
My DD1 is in Y11 and been pretty much ostricised by the girls in her year group - even girls she has known since reception.. she is so strong but my heart is breaking for her -

She is just working hard and looking forward to college and a totally fresh start

OP Im so so glad your daughter has been shown a little kindness hoping it gets better for her