How can I best prepare my daughter for secondary school?

[Quokkafeet]

I often see posts about school readiness for 4 year olds - make sure they can put their own shoes on, recognise their name, zip up their coat etc

I'm now somehow at the stage of sending my firstborn DD off to secondary and wondered if we could have a similar thread! She's not 11 til the end of August and seems so young still. I know she'll rise to it but how can I best prepare her?

Particularly welcoming comments from parents who have been through the secondary years, or secondary teachers!

I share custody with my ex and he got a bus on days with his Dad and walked with me.

We got him a smartphone and I used an app which showed his location for about 3 years. He also always texted me when he'd got there safely for the first 3 years or so.

Before his first day, we walked the route together. Then on day one, I walked with him. About half way he said "I'm ok Mum, you can go home."

I think that much like that first day at primary school, it was me more upset than him.

He coped well with the bus from his Dad's. 2 miles though is walkable as she gets older. Probably 40 min at worst. So that's an option if it's safe.

Within a week or two she'll settle in.

Oh and while my son is 16, he still has a packed lunch made by me. Yup. Spoiled. But I like to. It's my love language and I see the crap he chooses on days with his Dad. (He pays for lunch on his days and there's a lot of pizza. 🙄)

I’d say to try not to get too hung up on food options over the first few weeks. If you can, provide stuff at home for packed lunches and also cash/meal card. We’d find that some days the packed lunch would come home untouched as ‘everyone’ got pizza and chips for lunch or stopped at the Coop on the way home. DC didn’t make the healthiest choices to start with but fitting in was important. We provided healthy meals at home and it all settled down by half term by which time we could talk about budgeting, making slightly better choices etc.

If she's going from being in an after school club to having to let herself in and look after herself after school, make sure she's had practise at this. Same with buses. My DS is in Year Six and he gets the bus home from school once a week and looks after himself while his younger brother has an after school activity. I didn't want secondary school to be the first time he had to do this on top of everything else.
Sounds weird, but just explaining how secondary school works - different lessons in different rooms with different teachers etc. We assume all kids know this, but I'm not sure they necessarily do.
I'm stressing about the bright bags, honestly. My DS is a delightful weirdo who has already said he doesn't want the plain black bag everyone else seems to have. I'm wondering how hard to push it.

A harder thing for me than him was much less contact with school. Not seeing a teacher as often and getting much less feedback.

If she is forgetful, work on this. The amount of stuff year 7s lose is bonkers (our school has a WhatsApp group still). You are never seeing that item again, labelled or not. Well, maybe a small chance if labelled. Some children lose their shoes or come home in odd shoes! These children are 11!! So have a strategy in place.

Discuss canteen spending limits. Some go a bit bonkers with the freedom at first. We can monitor the spending on parentpay and it led to a few discussions in the early days! My friends child was treating his friends! Gets expensive. Mine mostly take packed lunch now as the queues are ridiculous and nobody seems to care.

My eldest struggled with friendships initially, but he got there. The library can be a good place to hang out if you’re feeling lonely. Obviously I’m sure the cool kids don’t do this but the librarian seemed to keep an eye on the quieter visitors.

She’ll adapt. Big changes but most are fine.

The teens here are all into "bubble tea". We have a Mooboos here, and it's packed with teens at weekends. I live in a big town though.
I guess if they didn't have that, they'd hang out in Costa instead. 😅

Does your kid take themselves to school already? If not and you are close enough to primary that she can, this term is a good time to start in preparation for having to do that for secondary. A friend's kid really struggled at first going to secondary because it was the first time he'd been allowed to walk anywhere in his own, and then was expected to do it from the first day 😱

Not so much a tip for your DD but you, don't buy all the sports uniform straight away. Ours required football boots for example, and yet were used for probably 2/3 lessons in total if they even came out the bag.

I also have one who loves bright and colourful, and I dislike seeing kids in black coats/black bags (we live in the countryside so winter you can't bloody see them past 4pm stepping into the roads!) so I'm hoping that in a year or two there will be a shift in this.

Create a discreet period pack (I used a small glasses case or pencil case I think) because even if she's not there yet, other girls in her class/friendship group may get caught off guard.

My DD is in Year 7 and it has been a big adjustment.
To be fair we’ve realised she is likely autistic and is on the waiting list to be assessed, so that may have made things more difficult. But it was like she has a
personality transplant VERY quickly and although
she always had a bit of an attitude/back chat it just went up a big notch and I felt like I had lost my best friend (yes I know, I’m her parent not her friend, but you know what I mean) as she was so different. I think it’s them trying to be cool and acting grown up so they keep that attitude a bit when they get home. So don’t take it personally. A friend of mine said it gets better in Year 8 so there is light at the end of the tunnel hopefully.

It is helpful, as others have said, to have 2 pencil cases so that they don’t take their school one out and forget to put it back in their bag. Oh and buy lots of spare pens as they will lose or break them
and you don’t want to have to run out to get a replacement. They can get detention for not having the right equipment so even with Amazon Prime
you have to wait a day.

And I agree about doing the journey a few times over the summer holidays to get them used to it.

Be prepared that the Year 7s get excited about the break and lunch time food options so keep an eye on what yours spends each day the first couple of weeks. Some of my daughter’s friends are buying a panini or pizza every break time, then a main meal, dessert and a drink at lunch. It all adds up!

Girls and friendships can be very dramatic in year 7, so you might need to give advice on navigating that. Mostly lovely girls in my DDs year but you get a couple trying to cause trouble and split friendships up/make up rumours etc. and it’s hard to hear about it as a parent when it has happened to your child, you just want to fix it for them. It has been a learning curve for us all!

I wish you good luck and it will all become the new normal soon, they just grow up very quickly!

Don't say anything about anyone you wouldn't want getting back to them.
Stay neutral until at least you know who you can trust.
Never write anything on social media you wouldn't be happy for your parents / teachers to read.

One thing that might be useful is I hear from my DS about the "girl drama" on a pretty much daily basis. Feuds that seem to go on for months. This all seemed to start at secondary school.

As I don't have a DD, how do girl mums navigate all of this?

Feels sometimes like me and my son are sat with a bucket of popcorn looking on and thinking "this is just bizarre...".

If they will be getting public transport practice what if scenarios. Mine got the bus to school and they were fine but the one day the bus just terminated half way there!

My dd has ADHD so we are trying (and failing a bit) to get her more organized. We've bought a new cupboard even so she learn to put the right bag in the right place etc.

But my main focus has been on street smarts and making her aware of the reality of men. She will need to take two public buses. So we've talked about not engaging with men, sitting nearer the driver if the bus home (from later clubs) is empty,.what to do if groups of boys follow you or shout at you (I see it happening in our shopping area she will need to go through), which areas not to go through even if it's a short cut, always tell people where you are going and when you expect to be there, and how you are doing it regardless of having a phone (I call this the Michael Mosley rule!)

Make sure she doesn’t do anything to stand out at first. So make sure she always wears deodorant etc.

She will need to advocate for herself. Does she confidently talk to unfamiliar adults, order food for herself etc? If not, get practising, maybe by asking for help to find another size in a shop, ordering food or drinks.

Are there any subjects that will be new to her that she is nervous about? If so, consider a summer course/few tutor sessions to give confidence.

Emergency cash somewhere on her. We pin a £10 note into a label of the blazer, but could also use shoe etc.

And yes, men. If she is likely to have any of her journey alone without friends, run through how to cope with someone talking to her who she would rather not. Sit next to or near women if possible, or near the driver if not. What to do if someone follows her off the bus, so shops she could go into etc.

Personally I would look at getting her a smart phone now. I understand why you don't though but there will be what's app groups for her class (as in for the kids) and as she makes friends they will be swapping numbers etc and would hate for her to miss out. Say she made a group of friends and they all had what's app and arranged to meet after school on it or just general chatting, she is going to miss out on that.
You can monitor it every day but when year 7 comes around, its all phones and trends with silly bags that doesn't fit anything in 🤣
My son has exercise books for every lesson, no lockers so make sure she has somewhere to keep them.
Also make sure she has the correct stationery - my son school has a top 10 and teachers check every day they all have these 10 items

I'm not quite sure what to do re bags, coats and shoes because DD still likes colourful patterned things and is vocally against getting plain. Would I be best to let her start with her choices and wait for her to clock onto this herself - which might be because of unkind comments or her just deciding she wants the same? Or push her towards plainer choices?

I have a child in year 8 and also teach secondary.

Schools have high expectations of students' organisation these days yet no lockers.

I got DD two packs of these. Means worksheets, homework etc can go in along with exercise book and things don't get lost, wet or dogeared.

I recommend having a backup stock of everything on the equipment list e.g. biros (black/green), rulers, gluesticks, highlighter pens, pencils with rubbers, whiteboard pens etc, plus plentiful water bottles (those small Sistema 3 packs are good) and mini packs of tissues. If she needs a Zip card or equivalent attach it to the bag in a wallet along with house keys. DD has lost SO many Zip cards.

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Wait and see. She may yet become the year 7 influencer, who knows?!

My daughter is in Yr 9 now and she still talks about missing primary! 😆 One bit of advice I gave her before starting is that in Secondary they aren't as nurturing, and you will be treated as a 'number", rather than as an individual a lot of the time. I also warned her that there will come a point when she will probably end up with a warning or a detention because of someone else, or for something ridiculous (and yes it happened!)
She's had one or two issues with other pupils but they've been sorted out, and she generally enjoys school (but like I say, still misses primary!)

They're was one time she got on the wrong bus home from school and that was a mad panic, but she had her phone so managed to make it into the right bus with a bit of direction! We took her to the opticians not long after and turned out she needed glasses lol

Main criteria for a coat is does it dry fast and stuff down well into a bag.

Because a) no lockers or pegs and b) teens will NOT use umbrellas.

Although I personally hate puffer jackets they are awesome for this. Mountain equipment brand is good.

This is good advice. DD did "safer travel training" which also included reducing likelihood of getting mugged e.g. when brandishing new iPhone. That's a big disadvantage of newer tech along with the more obvious ones.

It is an issue round my school and frankly no-one EVER side eyes my ancient Samsung Galaxy except with pity.

The boy drama seems to involve a lot of wrestling...

I think in some (a lot) of schools she would build up negative points and detentions for this quite quickly (they're normally more lenient with year to begin with) so it is important YOU are on top of equipment lists and messages from the school while she builds up the skills. Worth putting aside a little time in October half term to reassess too.

My daughter is probably up the extreme end as she is AuDHD with an EHCP but because she has me and DH behind her she doesn't get the hundreds of negative points other similar kids do. She was petrified of detentions in year 7 but once she'd had some, realised they were just annoying.

I don't protect her from detentions where it was just she couldn't be bothered to do the work. Just organisational ones.

Hah, my teen always carries an umbrella with her. Though she doesn't actually use it on the way to school as she rides her bike, but she will happily use it when needed.

If it's a school with a uniform tie, make sure she can tie it. I dont know ANY girls who wear clip on versions. Also, make sure she can do her hair for after P.E. Hairbrush and bands essential for tying hair up for P.E, food tech, science practicals.
Talk to her about lending equipment (I would recommend against, she will not get it back).⁷

Mobile phone bans in school have now been put on a statutory footing so find out how your DD's school manages this eg lockable pouches. Your DD is only now getting a phone so will from the start be able to keep her phone on her bag for tge whole of her time at school.