Private school - for non super wealthy

[CokeZeroPlease]

Private school
DD has not had a great time at primary school. Not awful but low level bullying, feeling excluded. Always quiet, well behaved never really given much attention. She is now y4.
There is a great private school near us that she could go to from y6 (GDST school) and stay all the way through. I think she’d love it , and I feel the pastoral support might be something she’d need through secondary.
My instinct is her primary school experience will not get better as the kids get older, I don’t feel it’s a particular great class and this has the added benefit of then getting us out of all the 11 plus stress.
I currently work very part time (2 days) and have the opportunity to up my days to full time. I thought if I do this for a year (keeping her in state but knowing it’s just for one more year) and save the difference this gives us a years worth of fees as savings. Then I can continue to work full time to fund it yearly . I recognise the fees will increase every year .
dh earns very well however we are not going to be on lots of holidays, lots of trips. We won’t be poor by any means but what I don’t want is to be the odd ones out.
can anyone advise on what private school is like from a “normal” background ?
thank you

I think we have a normal background. I have two in private (and two not) for various reasons and paying for it isn’t easy!

I was really nervous of being the “poor people” and DC feeling that, but it hasn’t been like that at all. TBH I can’t really make out who is scraping to send their child there and who is relying on grandparents and who is totally loaded …. It doesn’t really matter as much as I thought it would.

My approach has been to send the kids to the school that suits them best at the time it suits them. If they need to move later then I’ll manage that later!

I'd say we're pretty normal and it was fine for us. I did roll my eyes a bit at some of the cars and trips to Dubai.

If you're secure in your own values (and can handle the odd judgemental friend or family member) then so will your child be.

The thing to remember is that some of the families in the comprehensives in the area of the GDST school serves will be wealthy. But not spending money directly on education in that way.

Our DD is at a GDST school (WHS) - most families are very much "normal": two working parents and people that make compromises to afford private school. Quite a few girls on bursaries and, crucially, girls being completely unbothered by wealth.

I was that child and I didn't enjoy it.

I had never been abroad, never been skiing, never played tennis. We didn't eat out in different restaurants or go to lots of plays and concerts. My parents worked very very hard to send me but this meant our car was old, we lived in a rented house and never had our own bedrooms and wore handmedown clothes. Kids aren't stupid and the gulf was enormous. I felt very uncomfortable at friends' houses and turned lots of things down for fear of not fitting in or my parents not being able to pay.

I would much rather have had parents who were around a lot more, available a lot more, less tired and stressed and for us all to have had more holidays and experiences. Teenagers need more not less parenting. I wouldn't jump from 2-5 days at that point at all.

I also wish that they had used their money more wisely as they couldn't help me with driving lessons, cars or house deposits and being helped back on those things had real.consequemces into adulthood.

I've gone the other way and made sure that I don't work too hard and that I am always around before and after school. I use extra money for theatre trips and holidays and experiences for all of us. I will use any spare money to support driving lessons, uni fees and house deposits.

But would you have thought the same if you were low level bullied at a state school?

@AeroChambreplaying devils advocate; as the child in this scenario and with the best will in the world, you never experienced the alternative. Your parents made the decision they did, for you, with the knowledge they had at the time.

We are certainly not super rich but were able to send our two to an independent school for years 7-13 (with the help of scholarships).

Most of their friends had bigger houses, newer cars, and more exotic holidays than we did, but most mothers worked rather than being ladies of leisure and very few had huge mansion type houses.

My children didn’t particularly feel that they were the odd ones out. The school was academically selective and the main thing that the girls had in common was that they were bright, not that they were rich.

No one particularly cared about having the right brand of trainer or bag, and there was a thriving second hand shop for school uniform, so there was no pressure to spend vast amounts of money on clothes etc. There were a number of school trips of course. Most were reasonably priced and mine did some, but very few pupils did the most expensive ones and there was no embarrassment for those who didn’t go.

Things may be different at boarding schools, where I think parents will generally be wealthier, but I think if you can afford to send your children to a day school they will not feel out of place.

My daughter was unhappy at her primary. So we moved primaries. She was much happier at her second school (although never really found her tribe until year 9/10 in the end - I suspect she will always find making friends harder than some).

I was unhappy at my private school so I moved to a state comprehensive. I much preferred the diversity and range of experiences at my state secondary than feeling financially different at the private school. I was aware I was luckier than some/most there and preferred feeling lucky/grateful to stressed and inadequate.

Everyone's experience is different but I would not want to put my dc in the position I was in.

I think it very much depends on the school. I was also that child and never felt particularly odd one out - but I went to a relatively cheap private school and I know at least three kids in my (tiny) year had hefty bursaries.
I would probably have had a different experience if I'd gone to a fancier school.

And yes, I also moved to state comprehensive and was much happier there. But not because other people had fancier cars at the private school, it just was a bad fit for me.

Fees will go up by at least 50% from y7 to 13 so factor that in.

My DS goes to an ‘elite’ private school. We earn okay but have nothing like the level of wealth of most of his classmates (think owning ski chalets in Japan; sons of music stars etc.). DS is a very logical teenager who acknowledges that we aren’t as well off as his mates but doesn’t see it as a judgement or something to be upset about - it’s just a fact. We have no regrets about moving him from the local school to the private school - they are worlds apart.
so I guess my advice is to consider what sort of kid your child is: is she likely to ruminate on difference and feel insecure? Or more likely to embrace the opportunities and be at peace with the fact that her friendship group will contain children from a variety of backgrounds? My DS goes to school with the kids of rock music royalty alongside boys on full scholarships who live in rented flats. Private schools are certainly not homogenous.

Me too. I was the relatively poor kid amongst rich kids. It's 100% not a level playing field and I didn't choose it for my own children.

I went to a private secondary in the early 2000s. It wasn’t a particularly posh or highly regarded one but I don’t think the fees were any different to the others in the city. We definitely weren’t wealthy and tbh I don’t remember any other kids (as far as I knew) who were especially or overtly wealthy either. I’d say the average kid lived in a 3 or 4 bedroom suburban house in one of the posher areas of the city and parents were something like accountants. It definitely wasn’t cool to brag about having money or going on fancy holidays. Like with everything, it’s about how you carry yourself, your personality and your confidence. One of the most popular girls in school was from a council estate, had a much stronger accent than most of the other kids, and was on a bursary. She was popular cos she was funny, confident and didn’t take any shit. No one cared that she was the “poor one”. It was the quiet, swotty kids who got picked on, regardless of their backgrounds. I think the most important thing you can teach your DD is to stand up for herself, and help her keep her self-confidence up. Joining a girls’ football team really helped with my DD’s confidence

I’m going off my own DD who is y8 at private school. There are definitely some things she and her friends care about which cost a bit of money. The right trainers, a few specific cosmetics, enough pocket money to able to buy a boba or a wrap when out with mates. It would have an impact if we couldn’t afford these things. As she gets older I imagine this may expand into things like Reading tickets.

However, other people’s holidays and house size are really not something she ever mentions. I think those are things that are seen as “parent related” and therefore irrelevant…. Far more likely to be envious of someone who gets more screen time!

My two go to private school and we are a normal family- grandparents and staff discount help afford it. You would be surprised at the number of staff kids at the school with a hefty discount. My kids know they aren't as rich as some and they are grateful for the opportunities they get- but it's really a non issue and they are both confident in themselves. Money doesn't seem to be an issue. Having said that there are private schools and private schools. We picked one which hasn't got huge status because that's not important to us and ours go to a local one with a variety of families from different backgrounds.

I think it depends on the type school, I was lower middle class and I went to a fairly average all girls Indy. There were quite a few kids that didn't go overseas or play expensive sports or have second homes. I definitely found a tribe that was of a similar background to me. But with the VAT I do wonder if there will be less students from middle income families.

Sorry to hear your dd is unhappy op, that’s always going to be stressful.

I would explore different state school options first given you can’t easily afford it. Paying school fees is a real burden unless you’re a very high earner or have family help.

Aside from that I’d say culture varies by school. I wouldn’t describe anyone as from a “normal” background really if they can afford £29k per child pa (typical London senior day school rates) out of post tax income but it’s true that wealth levels do seem to vary by school.

By year 11/sixth form, money does become a bit of an issue. Not because the kids are snobby (never experienced that) but because the kids from high net worth families really do live a different life with different expectations from what is normal for us as middle class professionals. I’m not sure I love that my dc were exposed to that.

You’re a long way off that at the moment though. I think you’re right to prioritise your dd’s emotional well being and getting her into the right school environment with strong pastoral care.

My experience of the six private schools my and my step children went to is you have people attending from various economic backgrounds. The school mine attended the longest most parents were teachers, nurses, builders, BnB owners, and a few finance/IT bods. Quite a high proportion only had one child. A few quite wealthy but most were average.
The last school my DD went to was the reverse - most were very well off with a few middle class earners. My DD didn’t notice any difference in terms of her experience. I felt I had less in common with the other parents but then I was joining in sixth form whereas most had known each other at least since Y7.

We are at a GDST in south london. It is a mix of parents with very few super wealthy. We have been through from reception and my eldest is in year 8. There was a balanced mix of prep and state primary entrants in year 7.

My youngest is in year 5 and there have been a number of girls joining this year from a mix of schools.

Very happy to answer any questions by PM and i have tracked price increases etc for 10 years so can give a realistic view if that, uniform and extra costs if helpful.

There are children that ski and holiday in Dubai etc but equally many of us holiday in the UK or northern France. Nobody judges and you find your friends. I love that it’s a diverse group of people. Less so in the other prep schools locally like JAGS and Alleyns but they are a different price point on fees and different competition to get in. Private schools are very individual places!

I know lots of parents at private school who aren't wealthy. There will be wealthier parents, but also parents in similar positions.

Op, my ds had the same experience in primary, and he asked to try for a scholarship at a small independent. I'm a single mum on 50kish so it was a significant step.
I had four years fees saved by the time he started.
It has been the right decision for us. He has flourished, lots more confidence, 10 good gcses, forecast AAB at a'level.
It also made my life as a single mum much easier. If I needed to travel for work he could spend an occasional night in the boarding house and I didn't have to worry.
I've never once felt like the poor relation and he has been happy there.

Visit the school, arrange trial days for your dd. Get a feel for the culture.

as someone else said, there are private schools and there are private schools so it depends on which one you choose as to what the culture is like. As someone who works in one and have a dd who transferred there just for sixth form, I’d say that there is a variety of different families and different funding streams- grandparents pay for quite a few, and our school has lots on bursaries. There will however be quite a few kids boasting about their new Teslas or holidays to far flung places but luckily my dd can roll her eyes at those comments, and notices that they are often made by the least liked students. She also thinks it’s funny how many of the private school kids complain about aspects of their school such as the food, when they really have no idea how the other half live in state schools… so we have lots of laughs about that at home. I think if you can keep an open conversation with your kids about that and manage to laugh about the ‘my dad has a new Ferrari comments’ then you’ll be fine!

Every one of you saying you’re normal and can afford private school are completely deluded.

Rolling her eyes at people, she sounds nice