Private school - for non super wealthy

[CokeZeroPlease]

Private school
DD has not had a great time at primary school. Not awful but low level bullying, feeling excluded. Always quiet, well behaved never really given much attention. She is now y4.
There is a great private school near us that she could go to from y6 (GDST school) and stay all the way through. I think she’d love it , and I feel the pastoral support might be something she’d need through secondary.
My instinct is her primary school experience will not get better as the kids get older, I don’t feel it’s a particular great class and this has the added benefit of then getting us out of all the 11 plus stress.
I currently work very part time (2 days) and have the opportunity to up my days to full time. I thought if I do this for a year (keeping her in state but knowing it’s just for one more year) and save the difference this gives us a years worth of fees as savings. Then I can continue to work full time to fund it yearly . I recognise the fees will increase every year .
dh earns very well however we are not going to be on lots of holidays, lots of trips. We won’t be poor by any means but what I don’t want is to be the odd ones out.
can anyone advise on what private school is like from a “normal” background ?
thank you

Is this coed state primary going to all girls GDST? How would your daughter feel about it? GDST start at Reception, so some friendship cliques have form. The low level bullying, could be similar for new school so be prepare to look out for it. If you want to move to avoid 11+ madness go for it.
Also, not sure which area you are in but look at other private schools and their bursaries and scholarships, it could be more generous too.

I agree with all this but my daughter is at a state comprehensive! But in an affluent area.

I was GDST in a pretty similar situation, that is exactly what GDST was started for, I would suggest this is a solid plan but you need a reserve plan in case your employment changes.

Not true. My ds has a 50% academic scholarship, and my income is nothing out of the ordinary, less than a senior teacher, and I'm a single mum.

I've used most of my savings, and scrimped for the last 7 years. I've barely had a night out in that time, watch every penny but I chose that route because I decided it was worth it. Yes it was a huge stretch and I'm looking forward to the end of fees.

But in return, I have a happy, confident, well educated son who has enjoyed school, has a job he enjoys and will head off to uni in the summer.
I'm not deluded. I'm tired, and relieved we are nearly there.

I would go for it. We were in a similar position and decided that it was worth the sacrifice. We have not regretted it at all.

Y6 would be a fantastic time to move - she will learn heaps in a GDST school that year rather than the endless SATS focus of state y6. And you can still apply for state y7 to hedge your bets. If she or you don't like it, absolutely nothing lost and a new start at y7 state like everyone else.

Just to add - while there are many very wealthy families at LOs school - many are not. And LO has never been made to feel ‘less than’ as a result of our relatively humble financial situation.

I went to a cheap ish private school in the north and people weren't really ultra wealthy. There were a couple of kids we knew were rich because they had the latest gadgets or Ugg boots or whatever (early 00s!) and there was an annual ski trip but only a handful of kids went.

Otherwise everyone just seemed middle class and certainly less well off than some state school kids I met at university.

I did meet boarding school, Eton type kids later and they were another level though.

There will however be quite a few kids boasting about their new Teslas or holidays to far flung places.

As pp have pointed out there are plenty of rich parents who send their dc to state schools so presumably there are kids at state schools who also boast about expensive cars and holidays.

Dd2 never really found her crowd at primary but blossomed at secondary. You can’t really extrapolate from the primary experience that the secondary will be the same. There’s a much deeper pool of kids so they can find their tribe. Neither of mine have much to do with their primary cohort they found their real friends at secondary.

With the cost of living there are very few at state school boasting of cars and holidays! Not in our experience anyway (2nd about to leave a decent state school). Frankly it makes my two bloody grateful seeing the situations of some of their peers.

Switched DD from state to private for yr6 for exactly the same reason and I’m so glad we did, she’s found her tribe and is thriving. It’s actually a more diverse student base than the state primary was (private school is in the city and draws from a wide area, state was in an affluent suburb with a tiny catchment area) and the diversity means there are such a range of family and financial circumstances no one bats an eyelid.
Go and see the school, do a tour, talk to the head and see if it’s the right fit

My DD was at a different GDST school but also with lots of fairly ordinary families. It set her to understand wealth whilst fabulous in itself doesn't make you a better person as well.

GDST schools generally have a v mixed intake from a financial standpoint and offer v generous bursaries, so the economic background can be quite spread.

our DD goes to a private, not GDST and there are kids who have a life of privilege (multiple long haul trips and villas in south of France types) but most parents I’ve met both parents work and make some sacrifices for their kids to attend.

I went to a private school and my parents worked as garbage man and a school receptionist and took a loan out for part of my school fees. (Only found out as an adult) I had some very wealthy friends and others who weren’t. They sent me as the local comp wasn’t stretching me academically enough… I really think it depends on the school and your child as to whether works. For me I was incredibly grateful to be in a school which challenged me and had no problems not having ski trip stories to tell after Feb half term.

No-one at my school boasts (that I've ever heard and it would be social death) but when I teach exchange rates someone's always been to Barbados/Dubai/Singapore but some have never changed money. In London you additionally have the factor that families of modest (and not so modest) backgrounds will go to e.g. Nigeria for a month to see relatives. And the school catchment is tiny and there are indeed Teslas parked outside some houses (why they don't get garages I don't know as there's invariably a crowd of sticky fingered boys admiring them).

My son is at private and has friends with several Rolex watches etc, to be honest he finds it a bit funny. We can afford to send him on the educational trips (next is £250 for two nights away for instance) but not to jollies like ski trips etc. He's fine with that but it depends if your child would be one to get upset about things like that.

We're not poor, DH has a good salary, but I'm a sahm/carer to DS2 with disabilities so no income. We could probably afford the fees if we were very frugal, but as it is DS1 gets a bursary. Don't be afraid to apply for one, you might be surprised.

Have you been to visit the school? Just like everything, independent schools are all different. You will soon get a feel for whether you and your daughter would fit in, I’d ask these questions of the Head.

We’ve looked around independent schools and asked what the demographic is like, and if the school is right for you, they’ll be happy to answer and you’ll find that there is a range of backgrounds.

Generally the GDST schools are more middle class, less likely to be chosen by the super wealthy (I think they’re great schools but generally not as fancy as the super expensive schools, facilities will be great but not amazing if you see what I mean).

The people I know with daughters at GDST schools are along the lines of doctors, lawyers, managers. They’re not hedge fund managers or investment bankers. So it’s a fairly normal middle class sort of lifestyle I’d say - they seem to do one family holiday a year (week in a holiday cottage or a sunny resort), maybe a couple of shorter trips to see family, drive mid range cars. Not fancy designer clothes, but equally not rummaging through jumble sales.

Inevitably there will be some wealthier, some poorer. There may be some expensive options (school skiing trip etc) that you choose not to take part in, but there’d be loads of others whose parents won’t pay for it either, so not a big deal.

My experience of GDST school is of a smattering of super-rich, with most girls having two parents who work full time. Lots of medics/lawyers etc, but also people who own their own businesses. The super-flash exist, but they are not the majority

It's absolutely fine. We are normal, whatever that means and have downsized, worked harder and made sacrifices so our son could attend an independent school. There's a huge mix of parents. Military families only pay £3000 per year. People who work at the school get a 40% discount on fees. Kids with scholarships have 15% knocked off and some others have bursaries. Many parents live in a modest house like we do and drive old cars. Others are phenomenally wealthy and so what? The nature of the school means that the kids are very grounded and polite. I don't see any entitled bratty behaviour - although I acknowledge how very fortunate they are to have this opportunity.

You’re proving @caterpillary s point. You seem to miss that although you’re scrimping it’s because you’re spending thousands of pounds on a luxury item. That in itself means that you are doing well. There are many people scrimping in order to fund essentials. And how fortunate for you to also have sufficient savings to put towards your son’s education. Just because you’ve only had a handful of nights out whilst funding your DSs education doesn’t negate the £0000s spent.

The highest number of flashy parents and most obvious wealth we encountered were at a commuter belt village primary school. We now live on the south coast. We are not remotely wealthy (or deluded, for that matter). DS loves his private school and has friends from all walks of life.

GDST has been educating the daughters of the middle-middle class for 150 years. Farmers, clergy, doctors, teachers, small town professionals have always been it’s demographic and even in the very affluent locales - Notting Hill and Ealing, or Oxford - it’s a deliberate choice for parents who dislike “smart set” schools. If you can afford the fees by going full-time - ie without help from Grandparents or bursaries - you’re doing very well.

With the National Curriculum and fewer exam boards, it’s also much more common for children to transfer in and out of state and private these days, so if you feel it’s too much of a stretch you can always move back to state for Year 12 or even before if necessary.

Thank you for all of these points
I absolutely realise we are in a fortunate position for even being able to consider this but I do ultimately think dd would flourish a . Im
hoping by saving hard and keeping her at her current primary school we will have the option to go for it if things don’t improve and I feel it would be worth it for us

OP I would move her if you can. Just my take but lots of reasons from my experience

my kid is at central London prep school and we are among the poorest demographic there. It doesn’t matter often - barely comes up in his conversations or chats with me

Children will find various reasons to be sad or insecure, but I don’t think they necessarily focus on money (the way parents might) Some kids have lost parents, others are new from abroad. Everyone has something. I would also say the richest kids are rarely the best liked - at our school anyway.

I went to a state school but in a nice area (not UK) and I was among the least wealthy there - it really didn’t matter much?

lastly - it’s always a good idea to have your own income, even if your DH earns a lot. It gives you freedom and keeps the balance of power. It’s also a good example of hard work set for your DD. It’s right that she may have a tough teen experience and need you more, but you can cut back on work then maybe if you need to. It is always worth keeping a solid foot in your career if you can, you never know what is around the corner