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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Disappointed with private school

101 replies

JumpingThroughGaps · 11/09/2025 09:27

Hi all

Is anyone else finding they are disappointed with their very expensive private school choice. The issues we’ve encountered so far:

  • Kids whole year group WhatsApp has two or three kids on there threatening to ‘find each other at school’ and insulting each other. Lots of comments deleted and I dread to think what they say
  • School failed to put child on the coach despite DS asking several times if his coach was ready
  • The more academic clubs which were advertised as popular in the schools marketing material don’t actually exist. The co-curricular lead only talks about sports in his emails and fails to respond to requests about the academic subjects
  • DS went to a few clubs this week and only one or two kids were there, even though they are open to the whole school and it’s meant to be an academic school (85% 9-7 at GCSE level)

Im starting to think he’d be better off at the local state comp with parental input. He comes home far later than all his state primary school friends. He’s home by 5:15pm after the coach. Whereas the state school finishes at 3:15pm. He’s stuck on a coach with most of them on headphones and scrolling through ridiculous Tic Tocs and YouTube shorts. I told him to do his homework which he has been doing and he is a diligent kid so I’m thankful for that. But I feel guilty that he misses home life to be stuck on the coach and have an extra long day and for what? We would have chosen the local state grammar schools in a heartbeat but DS didn’t get in. We are in a super selective grammar area. I’m now counting the years till we can try again for the state grammars at sixth form. The only thing I’m holding onto is our local state comp scores 35% 9-7 at GCSE compared to 85% at DS’ school. If it wasn’t for this I think I’d pull him out. I never wanted to go down the private education route. This is a lot of money for us. DH went to a private school and I went to the local state comp, we ended up at the same Russell group uni so I don’t personally see the need like he does for a private school.

Please can others share their thoughts. Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
Gloschick · 11/09/2025 22:55

I would keep him where he is. He is happy. He didn't like the alternative. Yes, the shiny private school isn't all that it claimed to be. However, a lot of the issues will be worse at the local comp. The WhatsApp group will worse. They will all still be on tiktok. The coach journey is long but you knew that when you applied. It does give him a chance to unwind, and maybe socialise once they get settled in. Usually private schools have longer holidays to compensate for the long days.
Clubs can take a few weeks to get up and running, but even if they dont materialise, it isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sounds like he has a long school day - maybe he would prefer to spend his lunch time socialising rather than more academics. He is happy, so you have time to let the dust settle. Don't rush into any decisions.

TinyTeachr · 12/09/2025 08:05

I work at an independent school. I also send my older 3 to independent primary schools. I attended state school and have taught at state schools too. DH has also taught at both independent and state (all just to say I know th3 system!).

You have concerns. So raise them with the school. There are staff willing and available to talk to you.

WhatsApp group: get him off it!!! Schools hate it when these get set up. But its difficult to prevent outside of school hours. They are a pastoral nightmare. Get him off and please alert the head of year/section and they will almost certainly put out the word to the kids/other parents that it shouldn't exist. They won't be able to totally stop it totally though. These things are particularly in issue on school coaches and similar where children are less supervised than either at school or at home.

Issues getting on the coach: ask about which staff are responsible. There'll be someone supervising (may not be the same person every day though). If a lot of kids get on the coach it can be a bit of a scrum! Look up the photos of who is responsible each day and make sure you know DS and ask form tutor to share a photo of your DS with them and ask for particular help to be given for the first few weeks. We get lists of who needs a bit of extra monitoring.

Clubs: have they all started? At ours sports starts straight away, then music is added (which we've got to now), most other non-academic clubs start next week. Academic ones even later for the younger ones, usually around half term - they need time to settle into their lessons and are prone to over-committing themselves. We also need to get a better idea of their strengths and weaknesses and ability to organise themselves. But lists of what kids/parents have signed up for went out to form tutors yesterday so we could start having conversations with kids if there seems to be too much/too little etc. If there is something missing from the offering you expected RAISE it. Perhaps the staff member who usually offers it has left, or perhaps there hasn't been enough demand for it this year. But you wont know unless you ask. Email form tutor and they'll pass it on to the CoCo lead if necessary. Equally, numbers attending clubs may pick up as people are directed towards them. They may not - we have dome that are very small but they become a pretty tight knit community (our senior level board games club is a safe haven for several pupils thay struggle socially. Some have been attending for 5+ years and they are all incredibly supportive to each other)

The school day IS longer. Especially if you take the coach. What would transport be like if he went to state? Or could you sometimes pick him up to give him a shorter day and you more time? You will have longer holidays of course - make the most of that time together if you can (which probably depends on your working situation).

For those saying a smart child will do well at comp or private... well, that's true for VERY bright children. Statistically it isnt true for the average child. That's not meaning any insult to either the child (I was one, state throughout) or the teachers at state schools (I've been one, my DH is one), but the resources at an independent school are much better because there is more funding. We have the resources to target pupils who might just miss an 8 or a 9. There is less classroom disruption, partly due to selection, partly due to the ability to remove disruptive children, partly just that we can have much smaller classes when needed - the top GCSE sets are about 24 kids, but lower sets (where there is more disruption) may only be 9 pupils. This means both that those pupils just arent affecting many others or taking up an unreasonable proportion of my time, but I can also offer them attention and support, which they need.

Independent education is VERY expensive. There are many other things you could spend your money on (tutors, music tuition, wonderful educational holidays, deposit for first house....). Only you can decide what is right for your family. But if you are going to spend the money TALK to the school and get what you are paying for. Mumsnet cannot fix any of these issues, but the head of year might well be able to. They are there to support you and your child but arent psychic.

Foragingfox · 12/09/2025 08:12

A well supported child will do well anywhere / like a good business can survive the twists and turns of govt legislation changes, tax rules and wage bills.

its not working out so well for a significant minority of kids and young adults is it?

LottieMary · 12/09/2025 08:19

What are the lessons like?

LittleBearPad · 12/09/2025 08:19

It sounds like this more you than him. Secondary is a big change regardless of the school.

Whatsapp won’t have been set up by the school. Most all year group chats are dominated by a few kids and endless gifs. Mute it or leave it. At the start of year 7 it’s up to you whether he has WhatsApp in the first place.

Clubs will get going; If there are ones he’s interested he should keep going.

At the end of day the kids are tired. What do you expect them to do on the bus? 30 years ago I read a book and listened to music. I’d have read a phone if they existed.

Yes the days are longer but so are the holidays.

He likes it and I doubt you’d be any happier about the comp. It definitely sounds like he wouldn’t.

LittleBearPad · 12/09/2025 08:30

Plus bear in mind you’re a fortnight in (max) assuming England or Wales.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 12/09/2025 10:03

verybighouseinthecountry · 11/09/2025 13:55

YWBU sending a diligent, hardworking, adaptable child to private school. From what you've said he would have done well at the comp, with extra tutoring and parental input if necessary.

Yes, a quiet sensitive child would absolutely thrive in a badly performing school amongst the local thugs!

Araminta1003 · 12/09/2025 10:28

A school with 35 per cent grades 7-9 tends to be good though!

Araminta1003 · 12/09/2025 10:36

35% grades 7-9 is considered top comprehensive territory in London at least! Which has some of the best performing comprehensives in the country. If you look up all the favourite comprehensives all over London that people spend big bucks on getting into catchment for, you will find that kind of statistic. So I doubt it is a bad school.

JumpingThroughGaps · 12/09/2025 11:11

I personally don’t think 35% 9-7 is very good. I would expect my child to get 7 or above in most subjects. Only Maths is in sets so he will be with a range of abilities in most subjects and I think it will be a case of he will be led to believe 6s and 5s are okay and so only strive for them because everyone else is happy with that. If he gets a 6 in Physics for example the chance of him getting a B or above at A level is extremely low as performance at GCSE is strongly correlated. So the fact that the private school churns out 85% 9-7 was a major driving force for our decision and still is.

Ive had a bit of time to calm down after him being forgotten on the coach and I’m starting to see the good ie he loves it, most (not all) kids are very polite and hardworking, the parents (on the whole) are very engaged. I think I am hugely struggling with the transition of the day so this clouded my judgment and there would probably be just as many if not a lot more issues in the state school.

@TinyTeachr your response is hugely helpful, thank you so so much. I’ll be saving your response and referring to it in the future for tips on how to navigate the school

@LittleBearPad and @AgeingDoc thank you both also, I think you’ve really hit the nail on the head with your replies. It’s defintely more a me problem than my son’s.

OP posts:
Araminta1003 · 12/09/2025 11:22

@JumpingThroughGaps - national average is something like 21.8 per cent grades 7-9 so 35% is considered very good. The point is that a higher attaining DC like yours would likely get mostly 7-9s anyway. He may get a few more 8s if he went to a comp than 9s at private school, so that is what you are paying for. Unis won’t really care about the few more 8s though. I agree that his happiness is the most important thing so if he is settled already and you can afford it, stick with it. You can go back into grammar at Sixth Form when it is all about study and the time goes very quickly (not as much time for clubs and all the extracurricular which private schools tend to offer).

Sdpbody · 12/09/2025 11:49

To compare, the school my children are at have a 61% pass rate at grades 9-7 (A/A) for GCSE and 98% of all Grades were A to C for A Level.

JumpingThroughGaps · 12/09/2025 13:50

There might be outliers but research shows you need to be getting an 8 or above to have a strong chance of a B or above at A level especially in the very difficult subjects like Maths

DS is bright but not exceptional and I don’t want to leave it to chance in the state comp. I would prefer to be in a more down to earth, less wealthy environment but I’ve also got to do what’s best for my child, so thank you to the posters who reminded me of that and as quite a few said he’s happy so why break it 🙏

Probably missing my more ‘normal’ state parent friends and upbringing, which is clouding a lot of this

OP posts:
XelaM · 12/09/2025 14:04

There might be outliers but research shows you need to be getting an 8 or above to have a strong chance of a B or above at A level especially in the very difficult subjects like Maths

Sorry this makes no sense to me. Are you saying he needs to be getting 8 in Year 7 in order to take A-levels Maths and get a minimum of a B?

JumpingThroughGaps · 12/09/2025 14:14

8 at GCSE

OP posts:
JumpingThroughGaps · 12/09/2025 14:16

Grades table

Disappointed with private school
OP posts:
XelaM · 12/09/2025 14:21

JumpingThroughGaps · 12/09/2025 14:14

8 at GCSE

But if Maths is not one of his strongest subject why would he take it at A-level? Makes no sense.

XelaM · 12/09/2025 14:23

JumpingThroughGaps · 12/09/2025 14:16

Grades table

Surely this table is just warning kids not to take Maths A-levels unless it's one of their best subjects. What does that have to do with anything?

JumpingThroughGaps · 12/09/2025 14:24

The point is if you get a 9 or 8 you’re much more likely to get an A* or A. If the same child coasted in a state comp doing what everyone else does ie getting a 5 or 6, its going to make it a lot harder if not impossible for them going forward. But if they are in a selective environment they will go with the wave

I could do it at home and spend hours helping him like my parents did for me but I’d rather the school pushed him along too

OP posts:
XelaM · 12/09/2025 14:35

Sorry as a mother of a child in Year 11 private school (since reception) I'm afraid you will be bitterly disappointed to find that the overwhelming majority of kids will have outside tutors. If your only motivation for private education are hypothetical A/A * results at A-levels, I think you are being quite naive about the added value of private education.

pantheistsboots · 12/09/2025 14:38

With results like that at the comp, it's hardly everyone coasting along on 5s and 6s - far from it. It's likely that your DS would be among a reasonably large group of 7-9 students in what sounds like quite a high-achieving school. But it's true that they wouldn't be the overwhelming majority like in the private.

ButterPiesAreGreat · 12/09/2025 15:21

Is this you projecting your wishes onto him or does he have ambitions that will require A level Maths? Maths is one of the harder subjects (but according to unis not taught well at A level) and most subjects require a 6 in English or Maths to get on the course unless it’s a specific subject taught at GCSE.

My daughter is doing Maths at uni but got an A. That’s required for Maths but other subjects have different requirements. They didn’t give a stuff about other subjects as long as she got the UCAS points which she got with bells on. Nor did they care about her GCSEs.

Araminta1003 · 12/09/2025 16:53

My DS is also in Year 7 and he happened to be lucky on the day and get into the grammar where 90 per cent of grades are 7-9.
However, I don’t assume he will get far better GCSE grades there, than if he had missed a few marks in a test on one day when he was 10. I would have expected him to get similar grades in a comprehensive (maybe 2 points less across 10 subjects overall).

Judging by my older children at uni now, the highest achievers at state primary all did as expected at GCSE and beyond, regardless of which school they attended. No school can add or take away substantially from underlying ability, especially not long term. What they can do is provide a happier experience and more extension opportunities, especially in extracurricular.
Some kids have natural ability at Maths, but for most it is passion for the subject and regular practice that gets top grades. Much like in other subjects.

LittleBearPad · 12/09/2025 17:35

JumpingThroughGaps · 12/09/2025 13:50

There might be outliers but research shows you need to be getting an 8 or above to have a strong chance of a B or above at A level especially in the very difficult subjects like Maths

DS is bright but not exceptional and I don’t want to leave it to chance in the state comp. I would prefer to be in a more down to earth, less wealthy environment but I’ve also got to do what’s best for my child, so thank you to the posters who reminded me of that and as quite a few said he’s happy so why break it 🙏

Probably missing my more ‘normal’ state parent friends and upbringing, which is clouding a lot of this

The other thing about secondary versus primary is that you really don’t meet lots of the parents, especially if he’s on a bus. You’ll also find if you do go to any of the social events that the parents at the new school will be just as normal as you.

Hang in there and remember he’s happy and settling in.

JumpingThroughGaps · 12/09/2025 18:43

Thank you @LittleBearPad ❤️

OP posts: