Disappointed with private school

[JumpingThroughGaps]

Hi all

Is anyone else finding they are disappointed with their very expensive private school choice. The issues we’ve encountered so far:

• Kids whole year group WhatsApp has two or three kids on there threatening to ‘find each other at school’ and insulting each other. Lots of comments deleted and I dread to think what they say
• School failed to put child on the coach despite DS asking several times if his coach was ready
• The more academic clubs which were advertised as popular in the schools marketing material don’t actually exist. The co-curricular lead only talks about sports in his emails and fails to respond to requests about the academic subjects
• DS went to a few clubs this week and only one or two kids were there, even though they are open to the whole school and it’s meant to be an academic school (85% 9-7 at GCSE level)

Im starting to think he’d be better off at the local state comp with parental input. He comes home far later than all his state primary school friends. He’s home by 5:15pm after the coach. Whereas the state school finishes at 3:15pm. He’s stuck on a coach with most of them on headphones and scrolling through ridiculous Tic Tocs and YouTube shorts. I told him to do his homework which he has been doing and he is a diligent kid so I’m thankful for that. But I feel guilty that he misses home life to be stuck on the coach and have an extra long day and for what? We would have chosen the local state grammar schools in a heartbeat but DS didn’t get in. We are in a super selective grammar area. I’m now counting the years till we can try again for the state grammars at sixth form. The only thing I’m holding onto is our local state comp scores 35% 9-7 at GCSE compared to 85% at DS’ school. If it wasn’t for this I think I’d pull him out. I never wanted to go down the private education route. This is a lot of money for us. DH went to a private school and I went to the local state comp, we ended up at the same Russell group uni so I don’t personally see the need like he does for a private school.

Please can others share their thoughts. Thank you 🙏

Sounds like you've made the right choice.

YWBU sending a diligent, hardworking, adaptable child to private school. From what you've said he would have done well at the comp, with extra tutoring and parental input if necessary.

Why? Because those children should only go to state? Have you read the disruptive behaviour thread?

Not sure how you can comment on the school overall as a swimming teacher, academic achievement with swimming is not really comparable.
I know someone that taught swimming at private school and said the behavior was terrible in those lessons.
While I'd expect my children to behave well in any lesson at school, I'd expect a slight relaxation in swimming lessons compared to maths for example.

Can he try again for the grammar? I know some of them allow children to sit the exam again after a year if occasional spaces come up.

Because OP said she thinks he would have done as well in the local comp. I work in schools so don't need to be told about disruption, they however are not all the same (and neither are all private schools havens of good behaviour and academic excellence). Children like OPs ds who have interested parents generally do well at comps regardless. They keep their head down, don't get involved in the drama, and the parents can pay for extra tuition and curriculars as needed.

The only thing I’m holding onto is our local state comp scores 35% 9-7 at GCSE compared to 85% at DS’ school

You're not comparing like with like.

A lot of the academic kids have been filtered off into grammars in your area.

35% in a comprehensive in a grammar area is actually really good OP.

And if your kid is academically inclined he'll be in top sets with the other academic kids also aiming for those 9-7 grades.

How far is it to the school? Could you drive him rather than him go all round the houses on a school bus. Anyone else lives nearby you could share school runs with?

From what it sounds like a lot of issues are the jump to secondary rather than private.
My daughters private school hadn't even started clubs again properly until next week to give a week or so of getting back in the routine etc.
Also if he is quiet and diligent, I imagine he may prefer less disruptions to lessons. I know my daughter would have got really frustrated if at a state school with lots of disruptions to lessons, even just low level.

I think you need to give it a while, like pp private schools have issues just like any schools but I'd expect them to be dealt with more efficiently.

Interestingly, you’ve inadvertently hit the nail on the head with why I hated it so much. Many of the children were lovely, but the others were entitled little shits who treated a lowly swimming teacher as if I were below them. It isn’t ok to have a ‘more relaxed’ attitude towards a teacher if you and your parents don’t seem that lesson worthy. Great that your kids would behave, many don’t.

And my comment does apply for the whole school. The whole ethos was about image, putting on a show for presentation day.

As I have been reading this thread with the few posters who have been happy with their private school, I have been idly wondering if their children are at ‘my’ school. They could be, you wouldn’t know.

As a balance here, there's lots of responses from people saying why they don't like private schools and you yourself don't like it. But the bottom line is is your child happy? Yes he is. And that's what matters, he's the one there day after day, not you or anyone else.

If your child really likes it and you can afford it then it's money well spent. Transferring him to any other school is a gamble, adaptable or not.

I have had a few issues with my son's school l, like you there are misgivings but I've had to put them aside and just focus - is my child happy - yes, that's all that matters.

I'm speaking as someone who had a dreadful time at school after a bad move - so it doesn't matter to me what the school is supposed to be, if your child fits in just go with it.

In an area where the highest performing children are almost all going to super selective grammars I actually think 35% 9-7s is quite impressive! If this was a general comp in a non grammar area then obviously no, it wouldn’t be great. But that’s not the situation.

I wouldn’t spend thousands & thousands of £ on something I felt was mediocre TBH.

35% 9-7 Is decent. I’d take that.

The private sounds pretty rubbish. I’d see if he’s willing to switch (then go on the wait list for a place).

On the club front, our senior clubs started this week but from experience some pupils don't immediately jump in so they pick up a few weeks after they actually start. The kids have a session a some point where they can explore the clubs (stalls set out over lunch with the teachers there who run the clubs) but this isn't happening until next week so some students are holding on for this. Our school also run academic drop in clubs for most subjects but as term has just begun I wouldn't expect many students to use them until the year is properly in gear as they're geared towards support.

The coach issue isn't great but mistakes are made by teachers, hopefully your son knows is a bit more aware of which coach he should be getting on.

We have a similar experience with our kids, our local state high school where most of their friends have gone finishes at 2.45 and is about a 20mins walk from our house whereas the private school we've sent DC to finishes an hour later and takes them about an hour to get home from. It is balanced by longer holidays but obviously it's a longer day. I will say mine have adapted fairly quickly and I think if they were home earlier they'd just want to be on the PS whereas they don't really have time m-thurs so that's a battle I don't have to have.

Is the school coach the only option? Would a public bus/train be faster? Ours doesn't cover our area but I can see by the timetable some of the stops take a lot longer to get to then if those students just took the local buses.

I think a lot of parents who choose private have the occasional wobble about money and is it worth it. We've got three in school and sometimes I'll think about the holidays we could be on or investing in our retirement but for us this has been the best option based on the schools in our area.

I think your oldest (or only) is such a weird time, especially if they've been at a local primary school. For the first few weeks I found it hard to settle whilst my eldest was at school. It's a big step for them but also is, as parents.

It sounds like you need time to come to terms with the changes OP, and there's nothing wrong or unusual about that. There will be lots of other parents with similar feelings even if they don't* share them. (And let's not even talk about when they leave for University!)
But if he is happy and the cost *is manageable I would personally leave it until at least half term, probably Christmas before making any decisions. It is human nature that if we make a choice and it doesn't turn out exactly the way we hoped that we tend to assume that if we'd made a different choice things would have been better. But that's just not true. They might have been better but equally could have been similar or worse. You presumably didn't make this decision on a whim. Sounds like you weighed up the options and made what seemed like the best decision at the time. Test that out properly. If, as time goes on you don't feel that you're getting value for money or your DS isn't happy then is the time to have a rethink, but not in the first weeks of term when you are all just getting used to things and you're responding emotionally to a change that you're not very keen on.
For what it's worth, we started our DC in a private primary school but eventually swapped to state, not because there was anything wrong with the private school - it was a nice, nurturing place and we had no major complaints - but because I looked a bit more critically at what we were getting over and above then local state provision and concluded that it wasn't worth it. I think that when you are spending a sizeable amount of money on your child's education getting slightly more than the local school isn't really enough, and we could easily use the money we were saving on school fees to cover that gap and then some. But we have good state schools here. I'd have made different decisions were that not the case. You might be in a similar position and maybe your DS would thrive in your state option, but make that decision based on more than your current emotions. I do understand that you're probably feeling anxious and very protective of him but don't let that cloud your judgement.

OP as a parent of a child who has been in independent schools since reception (now in Year 11) I think it's a total waste of money and I would never do it again.

I'm not at all sure my daughter will get better grades in her private school than in a state secondary. Having said that, my teenager is now a really nice, sensible, diligent and responsible girl with equally nice, sensible, diligent and responsible friends (despite them of course all being of TikTok/snapchat). Would she have turned out the same in a state school? Maybe, maybe not 🤷‍♀️ that's literally the only value I can place on her private education.

Completely anecdotal, but her closest friend outside school who went to one of the top state schools in the country (although not a grammar school) completely went off the rails and left school at 14. I don't know if it's the school or just her specific friendship group, but that's the only negative example I have of someone I personally knew as a child going to a state secondary and completely going off the rails.

They want your money so will tell you what they thing you want to hear, and you fell for it, if you aren’t happy move him.

In a grammar school area for a comp to have these results is incredibly impressive

Private schools in grammar school areas can be a bit weird. The most able tend to go to grammar school or potentially might board at a highly selective private school. So you're left without them.

That said, my DD goes to a super selective independent in an area with no grammar schools. Even at her school, the number of students attending niche academic extra curriculars can be quite low, but they do still run.

I'm not a big fan of private education in general but I wouldn't worry too much about the clubs. It's very early days if he is Y7. It's much more important that he has good teaching by engaging teachers than an after school science or chess club. Neither private nor state schools have a monopoly on good teachers.

The coach issue is potentially a safeguarding one, but I would judge it more on how they reacted when you flagged it than the fact it happened at all.

Very much school and child dependent, but it does seem that many mid private schools have let the good times roll a bit too much and despite VAT, have not woken up and smelt the coffee. Shocking amount of laziness and complacency on offer. The point about wheeling out the clubs/activities for Open Day is spot on. Advertising clubs but really only running them for the sixth form, not interested younger kids. There are definitely (very expensive) schools out there where the academic agenda is reserved for the scholars #1-15 in the year group who will have every attention and advantage lavished on them. Numbers 16-100? Literally nothing. The latter are bums on seats and should understand that they are there to subsidise the school's identified superstars. Hopefully they can enjoy the football and the plays - schools very much of the 'really what difference does it make if they go to Leeds, Newcastle or Exeter?' pov despite everyone paying the same
fees.

Private school is never really going to feel like good value for money. Because it isn't. You will have to pay all the money the government would have spent on your child's education plus VAT before any extra money will be available.

How did they do in SATS? Schools are measured by Progress 8 and Attainment based on SATS performance. We have a choice of two state schools.
Option 1 has a higher average percentage of improvement scores. They don't set until Year 8 and 9. When you break it down, the average kids (100-110 in SATS) benefit from having the super smart kids in with them.
Option 2 sets asap. It has a lower average Progress 8 but it's Progress 8 for kids with higher prior attainment is off the charts good. Because it works with it's HA.
Both schools come out with marks around the same as private for GCSE but actually have BETTER onward destinations than the local private. The private has maybe 3 Oxbridge kids per year whereas option 2 has around 7-8.

We're going with option two and continuing to spend the money we're saving on super curricular (instruments, sport and languages). A long commute sounds daft to be honest.

I think the only people really happy with private school seem to be those who either had a terrible experience in state and then better in private or are private only families, educated privately themselves, never bothered looking at state schools.
The issue here is that you were hoping for grammar and know in your hearts of hearts that grammar would have been a good fit for your DS. So I suggest you keep checking if he is still on the waiting list there etc.
If you have a well behaved studious and academic child then a standard good state school is usually good enough for them to thrive. But if your DS is happy there now and settled, I do not think I would move him, I think it might be unfair (unless the grammar place come up somehow).

A well supported child will do well anywhere. A lot of private school pupils still have external tuition to ensure they get good grades. You could spend some of the money you save on school fees on tuition if he needs support in a crucial subject.

A happy child is going to do better than an unhappy one as well. Will this school provide this and offer the right level of pastoral care if problems arise?

You need to speak with your son, as he needs to be involved in this to some extent, because if you move him against his wishes, it could create problems. If he agrees, look at all schools, even the selective ones as spaces do become available for a variety of reasons.