Disappointed with private school

[JumpingThroughGaps]

Hi all

Is anyone else finding they are disappointed with their very expensive private school choice. The issues we’ve encountered so far:

• Kids whole year group WhatsApp has two or three kids on there threatening to ‘find each other at school’ and insulting each other. Lots of comments deleted and I dread to think what they say
• School failed to put child on the coach despite DS asking several times if his coach was ready
• The more academic clubs which were advertised as popular in the schools marketing material don’t actually exist. The co-curricular lead only talks about sports in his emails and fails to respond to requests about the academic subjects
• DS went to a few clubs this week and only one or two kids were there, even though they are open to the whole school and it’s meant to be an academic school (85% 9-7 at GCSE level)

Im starting to think he’d be better off at the local state comp with parental input. He comes home far later than all his state primary school friends. He’s home by 5:15pm after the coach. Whereas the state school finishes at 3:15pm. He’s stuck on a coach with most of them on headphones and scrolling through ridiculous Tic Tocs and YouTube shorts. I told him to do his homework which he has been doing and he is a diligent kid so I’m thankful for that. But I feel guilty that he misses home life to be stuck on the coach and have an extra long day and for what? We would have chosen the local state grammar schools in a heartbeat but DS didn’t get in. We are in a super selective grammar area. I’m now counting the years till we can try again for the state grammars at sixth form. The only thing I’m holding onto is our local state comp scores 35% 9-7 at GCSE compared to 85% at DS’ school. If it wasn’t for this I think I’d pull him out. I never wanted to go down the private education route. This is a lot of money for us. DH went to a private school and I went to the local state comp, we ended up at the same Russell group uni so I don’t personally see the need like he does for a private school.

Please can others share their thoughts. Thank you 🙏

No school is perfect and I would give it more time, but yes this sounds disappointing.

Im horrified by the idea of a kids’ school WhatsApp group, that seems a rapid route to bullying. I’d raise that quickly, report the issues and ask for them to consider shutting it down. It must be moderated?

Other than that - well, my kid stayed at state school, and I’ve seen some underwhelming outcomes from private schools, but I was lucky to be sending ds to a pretty good state school. Ultimately as long as you made a reasonable decision with the info you had at the time, that’s all you can do. Don’t pull him out after such a minimal trial either.

I agree with pp no school is perfect, state or private, and you probably need to give it at least this whole term. You’ve said he’s happy so far, that counts for a lot. My ds is at a small independent day school, not perfect by a long shot, but definitely better for him than the local comp.
Anyway, tell him to leave the what’s app group (my ds did that very quickly!). He should carry on going to the clubs he likes, and you carry on contacting the school about any issues, don’t be afraid to escalate to the head teacher. Also if they have a PTA or equivalent get yourself on it.

Whilst they may not be academically selective, they are socially and economically selective. They can refuse to admit pupils with behavioural difficulties. And by default, parents who are willing and able to pay school fees almost always value education. Non-selective state schools, on the other hand, will have kids whose parents offer almost no home support (for a variety of reasons).

Your comments could be about any school tbh
Not sure they are are private school thing

Just because you pay doesnt , for example, mean lots of kids will turn up to the same extra curricular activity as yours.
Not sure what being on a coach with everyone in headphones has got to do with it or is there a perception lessons would be taught on the coach

Are you in Medway OP
I’m just seeing a link with those %s

85% when you can choose your own cohort is surely worse than 35% when you cannot.

it sounds like your son would be in the 35% op

This in buckets. I pulled my DD out of a private secondary after 1 term. It was hell.

Saying that, I think it's school Vs school not private Vs state. Your local state school has a very high % of 9-7s btw. You will find that most schools knuckle down on academics in Y10 and Y11 and most kids in privates end up tutored. State schools usually offer far more in terms of interventions etc.

Op I think your mistake was thinking money will get your child in a cohort of diligent little bookworms filled with passion for academic clubs when the reality is that, especially in grammar areas, the kids that go to privates are those that didn't get into grammar but come from a wealthy home. That makes them no different to all the other kids their age that sit on tiktok and listen to music.
Equally if your local state is able to churn out those results despite having the smartest kids taken by the grammars, you have a very strong state option and you're likely wasting your money.

Save the money as a nest egg for your child and send him to the local state school. When he's old enough to need the money, he'll be incredibly grateful you made that choice.

Firstly, get him off the whole year WhatsApp. Those things are a bloody nightmare in any kind of school.

secondly, it’s not about whether the school is private or not, it’s about whether it’s a good fit for your son.

clubs in all schools vary from year to year as teachers change schools and change interests. Many kids who get high grades at gcse are not interested in going to academic clubs.

that having been said, if you don’t like it, feel free to move him.

is the alternative likely to be better or worse? Personally I’d move heaven and earth to avoid a school with a 35% rate.

It's 35% grades 7-9 though - surely that's really quite good for a mixed-intake comp? Would that not put it significantly above the national average?

Same, this isn’t our experience at all. We have looked at state schools recently and they have been fine, but they’ve also highlighted the massive difference at DC’s independent school.

We went for a school with more of a ‘whole child’ ethos, rather than purely academic.

Ah sorry I thought 35% pass rate.

35% 9-7 is perfectly respectable.

my apologies for lack of reading comprehension.

Well yes @JumpingThroughGaps the private school you have chosen doesn’t sound good or a good fit, it in no way reflects a private school experience generally. My dc have had quite a different experience.

yes, move him if it’s not value for you, it is indeed, a huge investment. don’t dither / go and tour the state school / other options if you haven’t already.

This is school v school, not private school v state school.

Our PS is a great school and this wouldn't be an issue there.

A friend's parents told her she could go to the private school for secondary, or they would put the fee amount in an account for her for university and beyond if she went to the local, decent state school. She went to the state school, did really well there (even if it was not cushy), and then had no loans for university and a down payment on a flat.

Interested where you are OP? Similar set up here in sw London, I didn’t want my child on a coach for hours and have opted for state comp with lots of parental input. Couldn’t see the ££ for private school being worth it.

It sounds like he has a long commute, and you didn't want to send him there in the first place.

I think you need to talk to him about what he wants. And talk to the school. If this is his first week, it's pretty early to draw conclusions and pull him out.

What is the quality of teaching like? Class sizes?

Just imagine what sort of start they could have if you saved all that money starting from now and had a pot (earning interest) for a house deposit/ uni fees/ extra tutoring / extra-curricular activities. Of course you might be wealthy and be able to pay for this too but if you can’t I’m sure this would make a massive difference to his future and career choices if there was less financial pressure on him, and he could choose the right training path et

Edited to add - the horror at hearing there is a whole year WhatsApp. Clearly I don’t have a clue about secondary but had no idea this was a thing

I never get the % thing. My dc were always going to get top marks at gcses, no matter which school they went to so whether it was 35% or 85% made no difference. Is your child in the top third roughly? What they did get from a comp was mixing with a wide range of people.
I'd pull him out OP, I'm sure he'll be happier getting home earlier for a start

I don’t think the WhatsApp issue is only confined to private schools. As for the coach, I think you’ve underestimated how tired your child is each day. It’s also inevitable that most kids on the coach will be watching social media on the way home. It’s the same for most kids that I witness on the local buses where I live.

I'm very happy with dd's private school with similar % 9-7 at GCSE. I am using the last of my inheritance to keep her there because of how good it is.

I have the same concerns about returning to state as we still keep in touch with her friends from Primary school. There are about 5 local schools they are spread between and there are themes; they don't get as many clubs, loads are already having sex (14), at least one is doing pot and multiples are at parties on the beaches drinking at weekends. One friend of a friend had her stomach pumped last month. That is what I feel is the "norm" for her peers in the state system, together with hair extensions and vaping, which isn't a huge issue at her school.

I think private schools aren't always perfect which can be hard to understand when they get so much money, but as everything that relies on humans there is room for error. You know if you feel it is worth it, you know deep down if your child would really fare as well in the state system where you are - given every area is very different and offers different state options. If there is an all boys state where you are why don't you look at one of those? There are no all girls non-selective where we are so we have little options if we want to keep the comp science and STEM options for dd.

I think it is again area dependent with the %. We are in a grammar area and they skim the top 5% to those schools - yet they still only get around 35% 9-6 at GSCE. You can imagine how much worse the state schools are without the top 5%... I imagine in areas without that it is a more even keel.

Aside from anything else...a "whole year WhatsApp group" for year 7? Is this a school organised or at least sanctioned thing? I'm pretty sure you are supposed to be 13 to use WhatsApp. I know lots do use it younger but surely a school should be sticking to the rules. If it's official I'd be pointing that out, and either way I'd be getting my child out of any group that was proving problematic.
But some of what you describe could be happening at any school. I think you'll find lots of kids watching daft videos or listening to music on their phones on just about any school bus in the country. At least some of what your DS is experiencing is just the culture shock of going from primary to secondary and suddenly being surrounded by much older children. In all likelihood that kind of thing will be no better, potentially worse at the presumably much larger state secondary. My DC went to pretty much the Mumsnet stereotypical "leafy comp" and probably found going on the school one of the harder things to adapt to. But they got used to it.
I understand that it's more frustrating when you're paying a lot of money but I do think you might have slightly unrealistic expectations. Being at a private school or a sought after state school doesn't make the kids saints. I'd hazard a guess that you'd have seen some of this kind of behaviour at the grammar school too. One of my friends teaches in a highly regarded state grammar and from what she says it is far from Utopia. And some of the most troubled/troublesome young people I have ever personally met were from the £40k+ a year boarding school near one of the hospitals I previously worked in. There are no guarantees and you'll find a variety of pupils and encounter some problems in any school.
It's very early days yet. At this stage of term there are thousands of children all round the country who are struggling with the transition to secondary in all kinds of schools. I would give it some time. Who knows, by half term your son may have met friends with similar interests and boosted the numbers at the clubs he is interested in, found someone nice to sit next to on the bus and settled into the new routine much better. If that doesn't happen and you continue to be dissatisfied then yes, vote with your feet - no point in paying for something that isn't delivering what you want. But you presumably had reasons for your choice in the first place so I would try to resist any knee jerk reactions and give things a bit of time to settle.

I think the WhatsApp issue happens everywhere. Our year 7 one was closed down as a result of nastiness amongst some of the boys.

We picked the local state school but ours had better results, we have no grammar option. My dc and many of their friends got all 7 to 9s. Then As and A*s at A level. They inspired each other really. Having no travelling helped hugely with time for homework and winding down.

If he's self driven I'd have gone for the comp myself. If he's a bit lazy, the private option. I went to a good private school myself and loathed it however.

Thank you for all your replies

Particularly @AgeingDoc you’ve raised some really valid points. I think I’m really struggling with the transition to secondary myself whereas DS seems to be taking it in his stride. He did cry about how he wished he still could ‘walk to school with mummy’ 🥺 which I also really miss but otherwise he’s adapted well. I on the other hand have been clock watching till he comes home which is another big reason I was so upset about him missing the coach.

I think I’ve confused matters with the WhatsApp group, it was created by a school kid DS doesn’t know and he’s been added to it along with a number of kids in his year but it has not been created by the school. I think I’ll remove him from it next time they are spamming the hundreds of rubbish gifs they put on there as they won’t notice he’s left in amongst all the rubbish.

It’s hard to know how he would find the local state comp. Personally it seems a lot rougher to me. It has a huge intake from the local estate. It’s not in a leafy nice town/village. Maybe I’m being naive to think he would have handled it well. He is adaptable but he’s a gentle, kind soul and quiet. He went to an open day there and said he didn’t like it, even said ‘am I really going to this school?’ nervously. I forgot about that so thank you for reminding me of the reality. In contrast he loves the new school and hasn’t complained at all. All the complaints are coming from me.