How to navigate in a super competitive girls school

[savvygal]

Hi Mums,

I hope you are well.

I’m writing as a concerned parent of DD12 who started in an outstanding grammar school. This school has recently announced a new prize-giving ceremony.

While I completely support the school’s efforts to celebrate achievement and promote excellence, the way the awards have been introduced and communicated has unintentionally caused some distress among students who were not selected. With no clear criteria shared and only certain pupils receiving private notifications, many students — including my daughter — have been left confused and disheartened, unsure of what they could have done differently.

Understandably, at this age, students are still developing their self-confidence and learning how to manage academic pressure and peer dynamics. My daughter has expressed feeling increasingly discouraged, especially as some of her friends are openly boasting emails about their awards and, at times, making unkind remarks. I worry this could impact not only her motivation but also her sense of belonging in what is otherwise a supportive and inspiring school environment.

I am also appalled the way this was communicated as they do have celebration assemblies in school which could be used as a way to communicate and emphasise on the criteria and how these winners were chosen to promote and motivate the girls to do better. I wrote to the school head and head of the year 7 too, but I just got a standard response back advising that they are following the school policies and would advise pastoral case to look into the matter with the girls being mean to others who have not received the email.

Is there anything I can do as a concerned parent? Should I push my daughter to do more activities in the school? I am sending my daughter to school to get good education in a conducive enviroment and didn't realise that she is in a race.

Did anyone face a similar situation?? Please advise.

Thank you

In any school not everyone can win prizes at prize giving. I went to a girls' grammar and never won prizes as there were brighter and more hard working girls than me. I'd always been near the top of the class at primary, but had to accept I wasn't top of my grammar school.

It’s common practise to only send invites/emails to those who have been awarded a prize to attend an awards ceremony at schools. Think of it positively that you won’t have to sit through an event where your child won’t get a prize!

Who knows what the criteria is for any awards given at schools? You can always ask for guidance but I’d be surprised if you get any specific feedback. Think yourself and your child lucky that this is the first time you’ve been on the ‘un-receiving’ end. My child went through the whole of primary and secondary school without ever winning an award. That’s 12 years of never, ever being recognised! We just laughed about it in the end. What else can you do?

Having said that, it’s not appropriate for mean comments from those who have won and I’d definitely be raising that as an issue with the school.

I wouldn’t push her to do more activities, that won’t necessarily means she’d win an award. Just tell her the YOU are proud of her and that she’s doing well. Schools aren’t a ‘race’ but as anywhere in life, if your face doesn’t fit, you won’t get the recognition.

You definitely need to leave this.

Apart from the nasty behaviour by some girls (which the school has said it is looking into) there is no issue. Obvs not everyone will win.

My DCs’ school did prizegiving for KS3 – DS won the MFL prize in year 7 but wanted to win PE of course – I just said to him, only one person can win, and it doesn’t mean you are not doing well. He totally accepted this when he realised that in fact only about a dozen of his year (of 220 DC) were at the ceremony at all.

Your dd is in a grammar school where hopefully everyone is able and only one person can be chosen to win. That’s fine. In fact that’s life. Same as if she were in the 100m race – only one person wins. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth pushing yourself to get a PB and improve. Encourage your DD to do the same.

Surely you as a parent explain why some children are selected and others are not?
i didn’t even know dd1’s school had prizegiving until she won a prize in year 11.

You need to explain to DD that she can’t always have a prize and needs to also learn to cheer on others.

I think it’s lovely that the school praises and recognises academic excellence. It’s likely based on a mix of performance over the year, plus end of year test results. Maybe with a bit of extra points for participation in academic events like maths olympiad. Perhaps next year it’ll be your DD.

The nasty comments just need reporting to pastoral care. They can be handled there.

We had prize giving at my school, by seniors I think everyone gets that no everyone is going to get an award.

We actually just had PG at my son's school the other day, the head made a point of saying the awards meant something and therefore not everyone will get one.

It's just life I'm afraid, especially at a high performing school.

I think it's important to realise year group sizes are so much bigger than at primary, so even for a talented, hard-working child, it is so much harder to win a prize at anything. If you have 180 girls in a year group, there will be many amazing girls who just aren't going to be #1 at anything and that is a fact of life.

Parents should not show disappointment or have the expectation that your child should win a prize. It is easier to be top of the class at primary school or to win an award in this small setting. The problem at your school may be that there are many parents who expect their child to be the best, but this is an unrealistic, unhealthy expectation at a superselective school.

My daughter is a sports scholar in her school and even then I doubt she will win any 1st prize on her sports day next week because with 150 kids in the year group, in any event there always seem to be 2-3 girls who are even better. I don't think there is anything wrong with a school announcing prizes and of course it is not a science and there are probably often 3-4 deserving children and they can only pick one, that's life.

Oh Good Lord. It's a super selective grammar. And a secondary at that.
Clearly it's done on academic performance. Test results probably.
It's not rocket science.

I cannot believe you emailed the Head. I understand some girls may need reminding to show empathy if they won and others haven't so emailing the Head of Year I understand.

If your daughter wants to win an award she needs to do better academically. The end. You need to tell her you are proud of her achievements regardless but yes, she's in a race

Life is a race. Of course it is! You can choose not to compete. But then there are consequences.

My dd always won those prizes. Very academic girl. Went to college to do some wacky course and has a very basic job. 2ds never won one and have high flying careers. Don't make a big deal out of it.
In their school it was best academic and best trier in each subject. Your dd will just need to accept this is life and maybe stay away from horrible mean girls. Holidays will come and it will be all forgotten.

I was at a grammar school and only managed one prize - for improvement, I think. I wasnt really bothered. I thought the system by which they were awarded was floored. I went on to have a very good academic career. Perhaps I needed to work harder at school but I did my best and wasn’t bothered.

if there are 100 kids in the year and 1 gets the English prize while another gets the Maths prize (for 10 plausible subjects), that still leaves 90 kids with no prize. and that is entirely normal.

If maths prize kid goes around gloating to the other kids and saying 'I'm smarter than you', that should be stopped.

but otherwise, that is just how secondary schools work.

I think this is a great opportunity to teach your dd some resilience both from the perspective of not always being a winner and dealing with unpleasant behaviour from others.

Also as she is at secondary school now there will be far less communication with parents than happens at primary level. Unless you are actually in the school with her how do you know what was communicated to the girls about criteria?

How many awards were given? Usually there are just a small number and so no one really feels that bad since most don’t get one. Is it just that a few of her friends happened to get them this year and have been unkind? But if it was half the year group getting some recognition and the other half not, that would be disheartening to a group of very competitive girls.

I'd be saying it's fine to be envious of people who have won and that you did a good job.

Think about how you approached it, what do you think you did well, what did you learn, is there anything you'd do different going forward for next time. How would you like to celebrate or reward your effort? The prize at the end isn't everything, it doesn't define you.

Honestly it's not the be all and end all - how you approach things matters much more.

What sort of things are the winners saying when boasting in emails and making unkind remarks? I find this quite surprising.

I think the nasty comments are obnoxious but some people aren’t very nice as I’m sure your DD knows. The school will have its way of selecting DC for prizes and it is their business. The only important thing for your DD is to do her best , whether she is first in the class or thirtieth it doesn’t matter as long as she has done her best. Some people are are very fast runners, some are super creative , some are tall there isn’t really merit in these things it is the way it is. She can only worry about herself.
She may have been top of the class at primary school and not had a chance to learn this lesson yet but it is a part of life that we all do have to learn. Unfortunately another thing that can happen is that prizes and recognition at school sometimes isn’t fair or more often appears unfair to the child they need to resilience to accept it.
This is all why as parents we should try very hard to praise hard work rather than achievement.
Sorry to sound preachy.

Both my kids schools, one grammar one not, have prize giving evenings. In both cases invites are only sent to those winning a prize, so that’s not particularly unusual. I have no idea what the criteria are, DS1 grammar I believe it is simply the highest achieving student in each subject measured by exam performance as it is possible for a child to win two or three, then they also have more nebulous named ones (eg the Brannington Smythe Cup or the Carmichael Shield not their real names) for positive traits or hard work or generally being a decent chap.

DS2s non grammar has them for every subject for every year but you can only win one and I think they are a combination of achievement, effort, attitude etc.

Anyway this is not unusual. The problem in your case is the children making mean comments I think.

kindly - you chose a school that competes

there are far more kids who didn’t get prizes so she could perhaps focus on that?

Honestly the fuss and upset these awards generate is mad. They should all be scrapped. Primary secondary whatever. No awards for anyone. No school of mine ever did awards in 89s/early 90s.

It doesn't sound as if she's suited to this school, if this is bothering her (and you) so much. It's normal for schools to only invite those who won prizes to prizegiving, and to invite them via email or letter home. The vast majority of people won't have won prizes because they didn't come top in Maths or whatever in their yeargroup. You and your daughter seem to be approaching this via being slightly outraged that some people are doing better than others, and being rewarded for it.

How do you navigate it?

Well you don't buy emailing the head for an explanation.

You explain to your daughter that it's a super competitive school and she's going to find it extremely difficult to get awards.

Then reflect on whether it's the right school for daughter if she's struggling with the competition so early on.

Tell your daughter that prizes really aren’t the be all and end all. They are not all awarded for best performance in tests - not at all, it could be someone who has tried really hard even if they aren’t naturally gifted at a subject, someone who has helped someone else, someone who did one great project, someone who hasn’t had any other kind of reward but has been consistently decent, or in some cases whoever popped into the teacher’s head at the end of a long evening.

Also tell your daughter that nice kids don’t boast and make others feel bad - so the girls waving their prizes in other people’s faces are people to be stepped away from.

Schools everywhere do prize giving, I don’t particularly agree with it but you won’t change them so it’s about learning to navigate it. I don’t see anything particularly wrong in how they communicated the prizes tbh.

In terms of nasty comments, how nasty are we talking. Because I don't think every nasty comment does need picking up by pastoral care. Really unkind stuff, or bullying yes. But kids do need to learn to rub along together and part of that is knowing where the line is.

My son didn’t get any in year 7 n this year we got an email that he is being awarded . We asked him but he has no clue.. school didn’t give any details to him or us.
having said that he struggled in year 7 as he came from state primary to a super selective boy school n didn’t had tuitions or work hard for grammar entrance . It was a shock to our kid system to think he has to study everyday . I could see a change in year 8 where he was more regular n bounced back . We had a very generalised year end report which didn’t tell
anything special . Looked like an average report.

we had chance to meet school teacher on parent evening n we were surprised with feedback we got on him. Apparently he has been shining . We didn’t know he came first in school for computational challenge second round hosted by bebras as this was not shared by school anywhere n no one knows. He got selected for jmo. He has been best in maths/ science n French and rated as exceptional.

but most importantly one teacher commented he helps his classmates out as some of them were struggling.
nobe if his friends know of his achievements . He don’t know abt others either. But I think it’s boy trait.

if other kids are getting prize - you may not know how good they have done n only few got chosen . He got this year but doesn’t mean he will get next year. So that’s that . Celebrate one good news come n clap for other when it’s their turn

his school celebrates sports achievements more rather than academic n I was told he won’t get any till he does something for school at a winning level. That’s how prize in year 7 were for cricket/ tennis etc.. I m surprised he is getting award but don’t know for what though.

Just to add - you join the race the min child n u decide to appear for test, accept the offer n join the school. Ofcourse it is all competitive n it is a race. The point is though are chilled about it as child is good school (hopefully good healthy environment) or running n want to be on top? If the later than it is very stressful n with all these mental health issues we have good our son that at no point of time we want him to think we need it or expect it. His life his choice . Want to do better then perform n work hard but ur decision .

giros schools are difficult as I hear from other friends. Boys are much chilled but then thats not generalised .. just my personal experience