How to navigate in a super competitive girls school

[savvygal]

Hi Mums,

I hope you are well.

I’m writing as a concerned parent of DD12 who started in an outstanding grammar school. This school has recently announced a new prize-giving ceremony.

While I completely support the school’s efforts to celebrate achievement and promote excellence, the way the awards have been introduced and communicated has unintentionally caused some distress among students who were not selected. With no clear criteria shared and only certain pupils receiving private notifications, many students — including my daughter — have been left confused and disheartened, unsure of what they could have done differently.

Understandably, at this age, students are still developing their self-confidence and learning how to manage academic pressure and peer dynamics. My daughter has expressed feeling increasingly discouraged, especially as some of her friends are openly boasting emails about their awards and, at times, making unkind remarks. I worry this could impact not only her motivation but also her sense of belonging in what is otherwise a supportive and inspiring school environment.

I am also appalled the way this was communicated as they do have celebration assemblies in school which could be used as a way to communicate and emphasise on the criteria and how these winners were chosen to promote and motivate the girls to do better. I wrote to the school head and head of the year 7 too, but I just got a standard response back advising that they are following the school policies and would advise pastoral case to look into the matter with the girls being mean to others who have not received the email.

Is there anything I can do as a concerned parent? Should I push my daughter to do more activities in the school? I am sending my daughter to school to get good education in a conducive enviroment and didn't realise that she is in a race.

Did anyone face a similar situation?? Please advise.

Thank you

Prize giving goes on in most schools , what did you expect them to do differently ? The boys grammar my son went to sent out emails and only the parents of kids getting a prize were invited , some years he got one , some he didn’t that is life .

I went to a super selective girls school and my DM drilled it in to me before starting not to expect to win prizes anymore as every girl would be very academic.

How it panned out was that more or less the same girls won academic prizes every year, more or less the same girls won sports prizes every year and some girls weren't in either group but usually got into other interests eg music.

The key to remember is that all the girls are in a selective environment so even those not winning prizes are still going to be very high achieving. Being in this sort of school involves learning to compete against yourself and not others.

So old fashioned and time consuming. Very surprised that a school would introduce this in 2025.

I wouldn’t worry. My DD is nearly 16 and has never won a prize or been given a speaking part in assembly (I stopped attending.) She was even left out of the Christmas concert in year one - the only child in her super extensive year group to not get to stand up as part of a smaller group for a special song.

We moved her from state to private and same thing. Her teachers don’t know her. One even said to me this year he had no idea what level she was working at since she never speaks in class. I did find that a bit rich tbh.

Based on this, none of her teachers would get a prize from me. 🙄

My DC go to schools where there's prize giving events. One DS has won prices every year but never the one he wants (in his chosen favourite subject) and the other DS has never won a prize for anything. My DS1 is the only one in his year with an offer from Oxbridge in this subject and yet still had never won the prize for this subject. But weirdly has won prize for other subject where he is not as passionate. Another girl won the overall "best in year" prize but isn't really considered by peers to be best in year. I have zero clue who or how it's decided. I've never asked mind you.

I handle it by praising DS1 but not going OTT and generally then not discussing prizes outside of the event. It feels like a nice thing for those who get it but also a very random thing too. Most kids work out after Y7 that it is just teacher perceptions and therefore dont get too upset.

DD's college recently had certificate giving, including a handful of prizes. They got through 300+ students in 1 hour flat, including speeches. For the certificates everyone went up on a continuous clap rolling basis, with the prizes just being done as 'Joe Bloggs. Who also wins the Carter Cup for best overall student', cup handed over, photo with the Vice Principal, sorted.

Incredibly efficient.

It’s a hard, but valuable life lesson that you’re not going to win or come top in everything. And that you need to develop resilience. Later disappointments will also happen- you don’t get the GCSE grades you want, someone else is going out with the boy you fancy, you miss out of your preferred Uni course, you don’t get the job when you were perfect for it, you don’t get a promotion, you’re made redundant etc etc

I would turn this into a conversation about developing resilience and picking yourself up after a disappointment as that will equip her well for later life. She’ll need it in that school environment

I think you're error is sending her to a super selective grammar school, and then to say,
' I didn't realise that she is in a race'!

At grammar schools everything is a race, and everything is a competition. I think this leaves some people who aren't naturally competitive, with a desire to take themselves out of the race, and just stare on in bewilderment/amusement/horror (this was me at grammar school).

Others fully engage, and continue their lives (and their children's) with an intensely keen sense of competition and need to win the race (which is fine, but not for everyone).

This, however, is hilarious... and ridiculous.

"A grades are a disappointment at a GS, definitely not something to aspire to. IME anyway"