How to navigate in a super competitive girls school

[savvygal]

Hi Mums,

I hope you are well.

I’m writing as a concerned parent of DD12 who started in an outstanding grammar school. This school has recently announced a new prize-giving ceremony.

While I completely support the school’s efforts to celebrate achievement and promote excellence, the way the awards have been introduced and communicated has unintentionally caused some distress among students who were not selected. With no clear criteria shared and only certain pupils receiving private notifications, many students — including my daughter — have been left confused and disheartened, unsure of what they could have done differently.

Understandably, at this age, students are still developing their self-confidence and learning how to manage academic pressure and peer dynamics. My daughter has expressed feeling increasingly discouraged, especially as some of her friends are openly boasting emails about their awards and, at times, making unkind remarks. I worry this could impact not only her motivation but also her sense of belonging in what is otherwise a supportive and inspiring school environment.

I am also appalled the way this was communicated as they do have celebration assemblies in school which could be used as a way to communicate and emphasise on the criteria and how these winners were chosen to promote and motivate the girls to do better. I wrote to the school head and head of the year 7 too, but I just got a standard response back advising that they are following the school policies and would advise pastoral case to look into the matter with the girls being mean to others who have not received the email.

Is there anything I can do as a concerned parent? Should I push my daughter to do more activities in the school? I am sending my daughter to school to get good education in a conducive enviroment and didn't realise that she is in a race.

Did anyone face a similar situation?? Please advise.

Thank you

Hate to say it but, if you've chosen a super-selective academic school then this is the culture you are now in and have to deal with.

It is horrible - I never got any prizes either and used to get so fed up clapping on prize day for the same four girls who would each divvy up all the big prizes between themselves every year. I think you just have to keep pressing the message about internal motivation and not being too hung up on other people's achievements but focussing on your own goals.

It will feel raw now but hopefully time will be a healer over the holidays and she feels better soon.

@savvygal This is life in a super selective grammar. Odd that you were not aware that there are "end of year prizes". Has been the case for a long time (every bloody year, forever ad infinitum). Presumably there are also end of year exams - in my day they were announced via a print out from top to bottom.
On the plus side, your child is in a good learning environment - including the lesson that "one's best is not the best all the time".

Meh. All schools my kids went to had end of year prize giving. Everyone attended. Those getting a prize/award were notified in advance. We sat through years watching pretty much the same kids get the prizes. It was only in Sixth Form that my DD got ‘most improved’ for History (she had the last laugh getting 196/200 in her A level after having a B prediction), and best EPQ. My son only ever got one prize which was star pupil for his year (a leadership award rather than academic prize).
I don’t think there was any issues like you describe. No one boasted. You got Math prize this year you might not next. It was a bit annoying sitting for hours knowing your child wasn’t going to get anything for the fourth year in a row but that’s life. We clapped those that did, rolled our eyes inwardly when Mary got the Sports prize yet again, and then went on with our day.

My kids went to a comp and prize giving was invite only which is fine as how many students want to sit through hours of clapping others? Parents would like to see their child awarded so it’s better that they are in the audience.

Their school awarded for achievement and effort (separate awards) DD won a few over the years and I think it’s because she achieved much higher than her targets (effort) and she got top grade in the year in some final exams .

You chose a competitive grammar - I’d expect competitive students who would want to tell everyone else that they’d been nominated. It will naturally be harder to win because there is a much narrower difference between everyone’s ability. It became a race the moment that you picked grammar- didn’t you prep for the exam, possibly visit a school out of area etc ? It was naive to think that the race ended after the exam- I suspect that things get increasingly competitive as you move up the school and approach GCSEs, A-levels, uni entrance etc

Did your dd get lots of awards in primary? My dd only received the bare minimum (the ones where everybody wins eventually) so she was amazed to be recognised in secondary. If your dd was overlooked in primary then remind her about bullshit random award schemes to make her feel better.

What are the kids who have received the awards actually saying? What’s the unkind remarks they are making? I find that bit really strange because I would think just mentioning that they received an email with the awards wouldn’t be boasting. But if there is bad behaviour around it, the school needs to deal with it and they have said that they would.
Other than that there is no problem. Surely academic awards are based on tests / teachers recommendations.

School prizes are awarded at the discretion of the teachers! There are no criteria as such. If you have excelled you might get one, you might not!

I think the best thing you can do is stand back and let go of your anxiety about this.

As one headteacher once said (I was grateful - my DD was never the prizewinner)) there's such a thing as peaking too early, A bit of gentle wisdom that helped me.

@Stopsnowing - I have always wondered that.
few moms in year 7 told me that kids were average in studies but represented school in cricket or badminton n got prize. But a highly academic kid didn’t.

going by other friends experience gcse n a level result matter . They got the prize or not may not be reflective of academic excellence. But who knows as atleast our school don’t share who got prize for what so hard to say. Neither we get to know rank of kids then even in parent teacher annual meet all we get to know us how child us doing . But it’s not comparative overall. So it’s a guess game.

as others have said too grammar school , most of them kids are so close to each other in terms of performance that not winning prize doesn’t mean anything

This.
I was FIRMLY average at my academically outstanding school
I wasnt a prefect, I never won anything and was never the best.
I learned "not to fail" by that i mean avoiding engaging in anything where you weren't good enough. Its a terrible limiting way to live and it still holds me back to this day. My high achieving oxbridge husband is the same.
Our parents bith pushed education as the route to sucess

As someone who has been there my recommendation would be to contextualise this heavily now. The brightest most prize winningest girls from my school are now doing nothing that enviable or remarkable as grown women. And these were girls who literally got THE top grades in the UK at gcse and a level.

Also as per a pp upthread there IS such a thing as peaking too early.

The 2 most successful and semi famous ones both were academically same / worse than me. They used family cash to start their own highly successful businesses in their 20s.
I dont own my own business (i wish I did but the fear held me!) But i outearn pretty much every peer i am still in contact with and have a nice enough life despite my good but not outstanding gcses and ABB levels

A £40 book token and a history prize isnt going to define her life and its fine for her to know she isnt "the best".

If you send your dd to a school that’s highly selective, surely you’ve had the “you won’t be top here, you’re going to have to work much harder than in primary school, this is a bubble and what feels ‘bad’ here would be excellent at most schools” talk? If not, now is the moment. It’s good preparation for the adult world, where she will find lots of people who are better at things than she is, too.

Do ask the school to crack down on bullying, but it’s worth remembering that some of this will be parents who are super competitive and put their DDs under a lot of pressure. It’s not necessarily bullying or even meanness, it can just be young teens who are being brought up to believe their self worth depends on their grades, and that can drive some unpleasant behaviours. It’s a good idea to talk to your DD about this, so she is really clear that you value the effort she puts in and that you aren’t the type of parent who is desperate for her to be top of the year or get over a certain percentage in every exam.

Totally agree. The OP has also not shared what the other girls are exactly saying. It might just be the girls are excited to receive awards in their first year in school and are discussing it. The OP really needs to have a talk with the daughter to celebrate her friend’s successes as well. And the daughter should not have her worth determined by only awards in school - perhaps some interests outside school where she can excel.

My kids' school has an awards morning I wasn't aware of until one my dd won something in year 9 - my ds got an award the following year in year 8, but has not won anything this year. There are 330 children in each year and about 20 awards so statistically chances of winning one are pretty low! I don't think my ds even knows or cares who got one this year - none of his friends have as far as I know, and people certainly never boast about it so wonder if this is a function of the intense hothouse environment your daughter is in.

Good to learn now you are never going to be the best at everything and that is ok.

Also, I wonder if you would have been as outraged at the system if your daughter had won an award!

Disappointing to see parents whining about this. It’s a very important lesson in life to accept that you can’t always win a prize, and that life isn’t always fair. Sometimes you have to shrug and move on.

Your DD needs to learn how to be happy for other people. When the awards are actually presented, it should be clear what they are for - the teacher will say "the art prize goes to the student who has created the best portfolio across a number of different mediums.." or something like that. You, as a parent, do not need these details.

The real issue seems to be that DD didn't realise there would be awards until the winners had been announced. Would she have worked harder, if she'd known? Talk to her about anything she'll do differently going forward. Nobody has taken anything from her.

As for pushing her to do more activities, to help her perspective/maturity, it might be useful doing a sport and seeing other people win sometimes - separating the enjoyment of the sport from the additional enjoyment a couple of people get from winning. If you mean push her to do actiy to get a prize, then no - this is not anything to do with you. You can only help her react differently.

Prize giving is standard in most schools, grammar, comp and private school and you should teach your DC to be a good sport and she is not lesser if she does not win a prize at school! Many people do hobbies outside school too so not everything relies on how kids do in school, and generally speaking there will be a lot of high fliers at a competitive grammar school and your job is to remind your DC that by national standards she is doing really well. With children it tends to always be best to praise effort rather than achievement. It is also worth finding their thing that they work hard at over many years that they can be proud of (it matters not what).
And finally, in life there is always someone who is better than you, richer than you, prettier than you, better at things than you, teach your child to understand this and be happy for others as everyone has struggles, even the richest, cleverest and most pretty (essentially usually they have to deal with resentment/weird attitude from men etc and anyone can experience loss).

Surely you must have had an inkling that 'competitive' is what grammar schools are like by their very definition?

These awards really don't mean anything. Focus on reading around the subjects, learning as much as possible with the aim of getting As at GCSE and A level. I saw two of the deputy head girls in DD's year last year drop grades and lose the option of medical school. It's better to fly under the radar and quietly get on with it. Self drive and being able to recognise your own worth is way more important.

Agree - and in a super selective grammar most of these children will have never been on the receiving end of a classmate celebrating that they have done better than them. Not only is it an important life lesson for the child, it looks like some parents need to learn that their kid is now just normal too.

A grades are a disappointment at a GS, definitely not something to aspire to. IME anyway

Sorry don’t understand this comment? A grades are a disappointment at grammar schools?! Is there a secret platinum level the rest of us are unaware of?!

A-star, or for GCSEs 9s.

The only prize my DS won in his super-selective grammar was most handsome boy. The academic "failure" ... by which I mean AAA ... never did him any harm.😇

I agree totally with this. My daughter has just finished year 11 and received only two awards in year 8 and year 11. This is life and she will adjust. Play it down and she may win an award next year! Only get her involved in activities if they interest her.

This is all normal OP. It's normal for only a few pupils to win an end of year prize, it's normal for the criteria to be opaque, it's normal for the prizes to be announced by email to the selected students. It's not like star of the week in primary school when everyone has a turn.

I think the sentiment was obvious to everyone else.