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Secondary education

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Original poster

Oldest child given opportunity to go to private school, won't be able to finance younger kids

70 replies

HeatherMac007 · 06/05/2025 13:53

Hi all,

My eldest DS is "from a previous relationship". I married my now husband when he was 3 and went on to have 3 further DC with him. Now my ex-partner (his bio dad) has been a great parent and we all get along rather well, DS sees both men as his dads, my ex spends Christmas with us etc. The thing is he is wealthier than we are as he has a great job, inherited and only has one child (my DS) so has offered to send him to a private secondary that DS choses (either day or weekly boarding). This is an amazing opportunity for him and one which he would absolute thrive in both personality and ability wise.
The thing holding me back is that despite a decent income, my husband and I would not be able to do the same for the other three given how things are nowadays. Just not feasible and we're ok with that. Were a close knit family and I think my younger kids would understand that DS1 dad was just able to do this nice thing, and wouldn't begrudge him. I don't want to be the one holding him back. We're in Scotland if that makes a difference, in an area where private schooling is probably quite unusual.

What do you all think? I'm particularly keen to hear any similar situ's. Thanks

OP posts:
SamPoodle123 · 06/05/2025 13:58

I would allow your oldest dc to go private if that is what he wants. The other children would understand surely that he has a different father, so this is the reason. I would not hold back this opportunity just because your current dh could not afford to send your other 3 dc private.

2024onwardsandup · 06/05/2025 14:00

Challenging but think if communicated openly sand well About fine

my three niblings are having vastly different amounts spent on their university time and I am surprised but so proud of how cool they are about it - not a joy of jealousy with any of them. It’s lovely to be honest.

1apenny2apenny · 06/05/2025 14:00

Yes I would be sending him if that’s what he wants. His situation will always be different from the others, it’ll have advantages and disadvantages.

I would never however send one child private and not the others if they were all bio siblings.

Bananafofana · 06/05/2025 14:04

My sister has this and they took the offer of private school for the eldest. One aspect was that the eldest was going to inherit A LOT from his biological dad and his siblings needed to get used to that concept. Kids now all on their 20s and it’s worked out fine, no resentment (though as and when a huge inheritance comes along for just the eldest that may be a different matter).

NuffSaidSam · 06/05/2025 14:06

I'd let him go, you never know what might happen with the younger ones. It's too good and opportunity to pass up.

Original poster
HeatherMac007 · 06/05/2025 14:08

1apenny2apenny · 06/05/2025 14:00

Yes I would be sending him if that’s what he wants. His situation will always be different from the others, it’ll have advantages and disadvantages.

I would never however send one child private and not the others if they were all bio siblings.

Thanks!
Although they are bio siblings but only half, I assume you mean full bio.
And yeah in terms of advantages and disadvantages, my other three have the advantage in life of having a happily in-tact family and have never had to deal with having two different houses etc the way my eldest has so guess it's a trade off isn't it?!
He would deffo want to go, he'd love all the extra curricular activities offered as well as being pushed more academically. It's a cool opportunity for sure. Just wish it wasn't so out of reach for the others, it might have been feasible if we'd only had one additional child, but we chose to have a big family and that's been totally worth it, I feel very blessed in life!

OP posts:
Original poster
HeatherMac007 · 06/05/2025 14:10

Bananafofana · 06/05/2025 14:04

My sister has this and they took the offer of private school for the eldest. One aspect was that the eldest was going to inherit A LOT from his biological dad and his siblings needed to get used to that concept. Kids now all on their 20s and it’s worked out fine, no resentment (though as and when a huge inheritance comes along for just the eldest that may be a different matter).

That's a good point actually, according to ex partners will my DC will inherit his full estate (unless he goes onto remarry in the future presumably) so there already is an imbalance thats out of our hands.
As said I think my other kids will be very understanding of it all

OP posts:
Reddelilah · 06/05/2025 14:11

Of course your son should be able to go to a great school if he wants to and if his dad can afford to him there! What a great opportunity for him!!

Your other children have a different dad and will have different opportunities.

MidnightPatrol · 06/05/2025 14:12

Don’t deprive your eldest of opportunities to be ‘fair’ to his siblings.

It is easily explained through ‘his dad is paying’.

Reddelilah · 06/05/2025 14:14

Why would you deny your son such a great opportunity, especially if his dad can afford it?

It’s not his choice that you chose to remarry and have more children with another man.

Original poster
HeatherMac007 · 06/05/2025 14:15

Thanks everyone, this is really helpful!
My instinct was to jump at the chance for him. But then my mum said "but won't the others feel resentment?" Which made me second guess myself.
Glad there seems to be a consensus that it's fine.

OP posts:
Reddelilah · 06/05/2025 14:15

I’m actually surprised you’re even asking the question.

Original poster
HeatherMac007 · 06/05/2025 14:18

Reddelilah · 06/05/2025 14:14

Why would you deny your son such a great opportunity, especially if his dad can afford it?

It’s not his choice that you chose to remarry and have more children with another man.

Bit harsh lol! his dad left me as a single mum when he was only 9 months old as he struggled to adapt his life with the newborn stage.
He's a great dad now but it took a bit to get here. My husband has been a truly amazing step father to him the whole time so he hasn't suffered.

OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 06/05/2025 14:19

I think it's fine. Also the alternative - preventing him from having this education that you think will give him great opportunities - is much worse.

Original poster
HeatherMac007 · 06/05/2025 14:19

Reddelilah · 06/05/2025 14:15

I’m actually surprised you’re even asking the question.

Like a lot of my self doubt its my mother's voice in my head ha! She likes to make problems where there are none sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
HeatherMac007 · 06/05/2025 14:22

ScribblingPixie · 06/05/2025 14:19

I think it's fine. Also the alternative - preventing him from having this education that you think will give him great opportunities - is much worse.

True, although our local school is decent and we pay for a lot of extra curricular activities (rugby, violin, sea cadets, etc) so he'd also be fine here. We'd also get tutors if required although he's never needed them before, he's (sorry for brag) the top in his class at the minute in Primary 7 although I realise secondary is a different kettle of fish.
A private school would more just enhance his education a level and give him some great additional connections and opportunities.

OP posts:
shakeneggs · 06/05/2025 14:24

Challenging! But I would let the eldest go. My eldest has been at private since year 1- he’s now in year 8. My mum pays for this. I have gone on to have another child with my now husband, and they are due to start school in sept. Fortunately, we have been able to send her to private but it’s not the same as my sons as it wasn’t feasible!

AyeRight78 · 06/05/2025 14:24

Presumably you’re not in Edinburgh as private school is quite usual here! It would be unfair to disadvantage him. Nothing changes for your other DC if your DS doesn’t go. In either scenario your other 3 DC are still going to the state school. So it feels a bit daft really.

LadyDanburysHat · 06/05/2025 14:30

Definitely let him go. Interesting that your Mother only worried about the others resenting him going, but not him possibly resenting them for being the reason he couldn't, if you did it that way.

ARichtGoodDram · 06/05/2025 14:30

If he's already in P7 then it might be a bit late to get him in, will it not?

Original poster
HeatherMac007 · 06/05/2025 14:33

AyeRight78 · 06/05/2025 14:24

Presumably you’re not in Edinburgh as private school is quite usual here! It would be unfair to disadvantage him. Nothing changes for your other DC if your DS doesn’t go. In either scenario your other 3 DC are still going to the state school. So it feels a bit daft really.

I wish, I love Edinburgh and lived there in my pre kid days! No we're in N.Ayrshire, it's quite deprived and there isn't even a private school in the whole LA. If we went down the day school route he'd have to train it to Glasgow to attend (ideally st Aloysius as I'm a participating catholic). Obviously if he wanted to weekly board there's loads more options to chose from.

That's a good way to look at it for the younger DC tho, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeatherMac007 · 06/05/2025 14:35

ARichtGoodDram · 06/05/2025 14:30

If he's already in P7 then it might be a bit late to get him in, will it not?

Id probably suggest he wait and start in S2 so he can make some more local friends too. Although many of the schools I've looked at say they still have spaces for starting next year (think fee rises have challenged the sector).

OP posts:
Original poster
HeatherMac007 · 06/05/2025 14:36

LadyDanburysHat · 06/05/2025 14:30

Definitely let him go. Interesting that your Mother only worried about the others resenting him going, but not him possibly resenting them for being the reason he couldn't, if you did it that way.

Shed probably have said that if I'd said I'd refused. She just likes a wee drama and to be contrary to be honest!

OP posts:
BeEagerEagle · 06/05/2025 14:37

I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t be doing this if you can’t afford the rest. It would be different if eldest had got a scholarship/ sat for a scholarship and got it; but if he’s being paid for then I can see the younger ones having a bit of resentment as they grow up.

I’m glad your whole family and exes get on, but that makes me even more sure it’s a bad idea. I can imagine the younger kids asking why eldest dad wouldn’t pay for them to go when they get on so well.

ScribblingPixie · 06/05/2025 14:40

A private school would more just enhance his education a level and give him some great additional connections and opportunities.

Which might also work in the younger children's favour by raising their expectations and broadening their outlook.