Oldest child given opportunity to go to private school, won't be able to finance younger kids

[HeatherMac007]

Hi all,

My eldest DS is "from a previous relationship". I married my now husband when he was 3 and went on to have 3 further DC with him. Now my ex-partner (his bio dad) has been a great parent and we all get along rather well, DS sees both men as his dads, my ex spends Christmas with us etc. The thing is he is wealthier than we are as he has a great job, inherited and only has one child (my DS) so has offered to send him to a private secondary that DS choses (either day or weekly boarding). This is an amazing opportunity for him and one which he would absolute thrive in both personality and ability wise.
The thing holding me back is that despite a decent income, my husband and I would not be able to do the same for the other three given how things are nowadays. Just not feasible and we're ok with that. Were a close knit family and I think my younger kids would understand that DS1 dad was just able to do this nice thing, and wouldn't begrudge him. I don't want to be the one holding him back. We're in Scotland if that makes a difference, in an area where private schooling is probably quite unusual.

What do you all think? I'm particularly keen to hear any similar situ's. Thanks

Slightly different situation, but DD1 was offered and accepted a bursary and scholarship to a private all girls school.

It did mean that although we did have a bit to pay (not very much) the school trips were completely out of the question, and she understood this.

However to redress the imbalance, we told the other younger siblings who were at state schools that they could go on any of the school trips. Unfortunately it ended up being Iceland for DS which was insanely expensive, and DD2 just got back from a ski trip to Italy.

But for the most part, it seemed like a good compromise, as it wasn't entirely about the money, but what would be fair.

I’d look to see if there’s a school that suits DS.

Blended families need to learn to negotiate children born into different opportunities living under the same roof. Swings and roundabouts, innit.

Yeah I’d let him. His Dad probably feels it might be his way of making it up to him for leaving him when he was so young. If there is a bit of an age gap between him and your other children it also works in your favour. It’s not like sending one 11 year old to a great school and the 12 year old to the run down local comp.

If it got nasty your ex could take you to court to assert his PRR regarding school choice.

Im 99% the court would side with him.

Denying him this then there’s a high chance <<he will resent you for the rest of his life.

I’m a firm believer in treating every child as an individual when it comes to their education, your DS should not suffer because his half siblings won’t get the same chance. Why would you willingly prevent his opportunities?

^ agree as above

also agree it could potentially benefit the other children in the long run re opportunities/aspirations

as you accept, your oldest has some disadvantages (not living with both his parents), only fair he should have whatever advantages are open to him too

I am pretty sure I will agree (I'm just looking for reassurance that it won't drive him and siblings apart from here) but even on chance we decided against it wouldn't come to court. My ex is happy to defer to me on parenting and this was an offer not a command. He lives and works abroad so I'm the primary household by a landslide. He's very happy with the job my husband and I have done raising him!
Plus if he was to day school, I'd be the one dealing with organising and facilitating the long commute as ex will still be living abroad. If he needed to board, I doubt any modern court would order that when he's already thriving where is?! That would be bizarre no?
Right now DS is saying he's happy either way and sees pros and cons to both options. He wants to go visit a few to help swing his opinion, which we're currently organising.

my brother paid a fortune because the youngest wanted to go to a private school. The other two hadn’t. I forgot about that as well as this vastly different uni fees. The others didn’t care at all and if anything were happy that the youngest was getting to go to their dream school

i think part of that comes from them knowing that my brother would do all he could to give them their dream thing if they wanted something

as said - it’s gonna be clear here that it’s because of his dad - and not you.

For his sake, I'd be careful about boarding. He's already a bit out of the family, being the only child from the previous relationship. And if he's away all week at school he might feel a bit left out

My nephews and niece are at St Aloysius and absolutely love it. No snobbery from them or the school in general.

That's good to know thanks, we're going to visit next week!

Definitely an important consideration for sure. But knowing his personality he'd love being away. He'd have the full hogwarts experience ... Well minus the continual mortal danger of course lol!

Sorry, no advice OP, but my GOD, I feel this in my bones 😬

My friends had similar situation - he had his DD live with him full time and also his step son from new marriage. His DD's mother was not on the scene, her parents wanted to fund private education for her (to, in their eyes, make up for how monumentally shit her mum was) - our friends could never had funded private school but it has not caused any real issues between the two kids

his dad would still need to pay maintenance, that’s not how it works.

Difficult one. My original thought was “no” but then his dad also has a say in his education presumably….i think the fact it’s his dad paying makes it ok, as opposed to if if was eg your parents singling one child out

Well I'd expect to keep some maintenance if he day schools but if it were boarding school I wouldn't. We don't have a formal arrangement, have always worked it out ourselves, it's always worked.

This - definitely

I’d send him.

Both my children went to private prep only our DD went to boarding school for 18 months. Our DD won a scholarship and accepted, our DS turned his down. DS is in London and our daughter at a famous University. Both did well. Our son didn't resent his sister going to her secondary school.