Oldest child given opportunity to go to private school, won't be able to finance younger kids

[HeatherMac007]

Hi all,

My eldest DS is "from a previous relationship". I married my now husband when he was 3 and went on to have 3 further DC with him. Now my ex-partner (his bio dad) has been a great parent and we all get along rather well, DS sees both men as his dads, my ex spends Christmas with us etc. The thing is he is wealthier than we are as he has a great job, inherited and only has one child (my DS) so has offered to send him to a private secondary that DS choses (either day or weekly boarding). This is an amazing opportunity for him and one which he would absolute thrive in both personality and ability wise.
The thing holding me back is that despite a decent income, my husband and I would not be able to do the same for the other three given how things are nowadays. Just not feasible and we're ok with that. Were a close knit family and I think my younger kids would understand that DS1 dad was just able to do this nice thing, and wouldn't begrudge him. I don't want to be the one holding him back. We're in Scotland if that makes a difference, in an area where private schooling is probably quite unusual.

What do you all think? I'm particularly keen to hear any similar situ's. Thanks

Yes, I think this will be fine.

I wouldn't do it if they were full siblings, but your DCs will all be able to understand the difference in their situations as they grow older. The younger DCs enjoy the advantages you've identified, and while you may feel bad thst private education isn't affordable for them, you and your DP are providing a solid home life. As long as there are strong family ties amongst them all, even the eventual inheritance shouldn't pose a problem.

Surely your ex has the right to have a say in his ds’s education? He wants to the best he can for his ds.

Oh absolutely, and I'm leaning towards saying yes, but he has left it to me to ultimately decide as I have always been primary caregiver (ex works and often lives abroad). And the private school will entail my ds having to travel an hour each way or to board somewhere so it's not like he can just decide without my (and DCs) input.

Love this perspective thanks

Absolutely you should let him go. My DD has 3 additional siblings and yes to an extent the ones who live with both bio parents miss out a bit on extra treats, presents etc as they also have an additional family. But they also have to deal with other emotional challenges.

You could always tell a white lie and say that the eldest won a full scholarship and if they get one they can go

I’d let him , whichever way you look at it your kids have different fathers and life will be different for them , for a start the oldest probably will have less debt coming out of uni ( if his dad helps out) , will likely get a better car etc and ultimately may have a bigger inheritance . Does your eldest not go on holidays etc with his dad now that are maybe different to what you all do as a family ?

I think if it’s in his best interests then you should let him go.
It’s often tricky when you have kids with more than one person. As your lad gets older you may get more of these issues crop up. His Dad might want to help him with Uni fees, a car or even with house deposits.

I don’t see why you would dent you oldest dc this chance. It would be very wrong to do so. You should be encouraging it but make sure you draw up paperwork so he fully funds all the extras that come with private school.

Oh I like the outside the box thinking but I wouldn't want to introduce any competitive edge to their relationships, not our style.

My DS2 is a p4 and although just as bright as his bro, he's shy and more of a homebody, I'm not sure even if given the choice he'd want to go to a school away from here!
DD is P2 and super confident but she isn't showing the same aptitude for academics at this point -although she's so sporty which is unexpected as DH and I are defo more geeks than athletes lol so it would have to be some sort of sporting scholarship
DS3 is still a baby so who knows what he's going to be like :)

Oh it would be made clear we couldn't contribute to any of the costs at all other than his costs when he's home at night/weekends. But I would obviously give up my child maintenance payment too so I guess that would be my contribution.

Fingers crossed uni fees stay free in Scotland then that won't be an issue! But yes the other things are totally valid- I could see his dad just gifting him one of his properties whereas all we could do with ours is give a wee help towards a deposit. They always had the benefit of an intact family though, and that can never be bought.

Yeah, he's been on frequent holidays and trips to fancy places at home and abroad. My kids honestly never seem to mind. They are younger and just grew up with it always having been that way.

I am on several threads about how much I don’t like private schools but even I don’t see any reason to turn this down. His dad gets a say, he gets a say and you think it would be good for him. I was going to say that his younger siblings have advantages he doesn’t have with their father in their home but you’ve said that yourself. Kids with different parents have different experiences and that’s fine.

Thanks, think I just needed some reassurance I wasn't doing active harm to their sibling relationship. Bloody mother as usual, putting thoughts into my head lol, she just loves to inject a wee bit of drama where there is none.

Of course he should go to a private school if he can, no question about that. Don't race to the bottom, always aim for the best opportunities for your kids.

My 3 bio children all went to different schools, some state, some private. We chose what suited each best. We had no problems or jealousies between them.

I'm not an advocate of private schools but I would let him, especially if it's what he would want and he would thrive. As you said in an earlier reply, your other children have the benefit of both their parents living together, so swings and roundabouts.

Also, it's kind of on the table now. If you blocked it, your child might resent the opportunity being taken away if he ever got wind of it.

If it were a situation where your oldest would be the one who was left out, I'd refuse the youngest three going to private school, if that makes sense

Leaving one out is unkind but this a gift given to one

But this could really help him and his future, I'd be letting him go x

In fairness I think he'd be happy either way. He's said as much. And he'd thrive in either setting, he's just such a good boy, he really is. He's hardworking and responsible, extremely bright and academic, plays violin and saxophone, plays rugby, serves as alter boy, goes to sea cadets, spends time with older relatives, helps me with chores and new baby. I generally couldn't ask for more, he's even got a hilarious sense of humour! He's never given me any trouble except for a messy bedroom (neither have my other kids tbh, as I said I'm very blessed!).
It's just private school would likely give enhanced connections and opportunities.

Would your ex be up for paying for university instead? Sounds like your son is thriving and might do well anywhere - and avoiding boarding would be a priority for me. That’s the part that would make me pause longer than the invented inequity between half siblings.

(I’m in Scotland too and my kids are s1 and p4 and I don’t think there will be free university for either of them looking at the state of the university where I work)

It sounds like a really difficult situation and your ex I assume also gets a say in it too.

However, in your circumstances, if the schools are OK to the extent you are happy for your younger children to go, then I would do everything you can to support the local schools and send all your children to them. Also enhance your child's education with extracurricular and tutors where you think helpful, as you have already described you do/would. This would by my preference in your circumstances for several reasons:
*the dilema you have described where one child had opportunities his siblings do not.
*the distance away from schools. I wouldn't want a 11/12/13 year old travelling so far to school or having to week board. I think being close to family and friends with a shorter commute has huge benefits.
*benefits from being educated in an more socially diverse environment, especially if your DC is bright and you are going to ensure he has a range of opportunities for activities and tutoring to stretch him anyway.

If it were not working out, you would then still have the option to send him in a few years time, when he might manage the commute better.

Think he'd pay for uni as well as tbh, he can afford it, as DS is his only child.

Fab, thanks for this insight. I have said to ex that waiting till S2 or even when they start preparing for exams in S3 might be a better plan. As it would allow him to make more local friends here from the secondary as he would need friends for evenings and weekends. Also as you said it would keep the longer commute to when he was older and could use it for exam studying (would be via a direct train). That's been my instinct. We'd prob best still start considering it now for an S2 start to ensure a place.

It wouldn't be fair to prevent him from taking this opportunity because you've had more children with somebody else. It's his Dad's right to have a say about his education - and not only is he prepared to put his money where his mouth is, he's deferred to you to make the final decision. He's also, for all his loveliness and the great family life you've built for everybody, had to adapt to massive changes where he is not the sole focus.

Let him take it.