Change in behaviour since starting secondary

[Laurenmummytoo2]

Just looking for some advice if this has happened with any other children. At my wits end 😔

My child started secondary fully in september. Since starting he has drastically changed in behaviour. Everyday he is getting phone calls home, detention, sanctions, isolations. His behaviour consists of disruptions constantly in lessons, answering back, no respect towards teachers. He is a very bright boy and scared of what he doing for his future. He is already been moved down sets for English and in talks of been moved down from top set maths.

His behaviour is also bad at home, tormenting his brothers and fighting, back chatting, swearing, don't care attitude towards everything.

I'm not sure why, I have spoken to him over and over and he doesn't take any responsibility for his actions it's always someone else to blame.

He turned 12 in December.

I just don't know what to do or how to treat this and nothing is working so far.

Does anyone have experience from this and any advice on anything that helped your child through this, isit a phase? I just don't know anymore. 😔😔

Secondary school is a huge change, if you've tried to talk and listen to what's going on with him and you're not getting anywhere I would look at moving schools.

Does he get enough sleep? It is essential that he goes to sleep at a right time.
I think he may be trying to impress his buddies. How is he behaving at home?

Why did they already move him down to the lower set? That depends on his results and not his behaviour

I would first be checking his phone for social media bullying etc. Then speak to his tutor and booking him a session with a private counsellor.
Yes they obviously change but such a dramatic change would suggest to me that something is going on.

Thanks for replying. His behaviour at home is terrible too to be honest, he's really cheeky. How he speaks towards others I haven't brought him up like that at all. I have checked his phone and nothing there. I have spoken to him numerous time to reassure him that if anythings going on ill support him no matter what but he said nothing is going on.

He has been moved down sets as he isn't putting pen to paper or doing any of the work and refusing. His sats results put him in the top sets of subject which he is more than capable of doing he just 'can't be bothered' and would rather mess around and be destruptive.

Some teachers are getting to the point of not wanting him in there class as they too are at there wits ends and I'm not sure where all of this has come from?

His sleep isn't great to be honest and also he is anemic which we recently found out. We all go to bed at 9pm. When I am asleep he sneaks up , I try to stay awake until he's asleep first but it can become late at times and sometimes I have fell asleep before hand and maybe some nights he sleeps better. Varies really.

Does he have access to screens in his room?
Something is causing this hence my suggestion of booking a private therapy session. He may talk to someone objective who isn't involved emotionally

Was his primary schools behaviour better? It maybe that suddenly a lot of badly behaved kids in class and he is copying them.

Ive certainly found y7 behaviour shocking.
Theres swearing, vaping, lying, excluding other kids from the group, and worse disrupting class so they had to move twice in one lesson.
Oh and bullying, name calling, trying to trip up strangers.

Is her perhaps unhappy or trying to fit in?
Seeing a lot of kids misbehave and have no real consequences has an effe t

He has a tv in his room, I will look into therapy for him to see if he will open up. School are also getting to know him more trying to build a relationship with him to see if he opens up with them too.

Is he watching TV late at night?

Well I turn it off but some nights when iv woken for the toilet and seen he has been up and tv back on. Could the sleep thing affect his behaviour this way? He's always been an early riser too, so even if he does sleep late he is still up early.

Exactly

Yes of course it can but also what is he watching? Is he watching 18+ programmes?
Teenagers need MORE sleep, a regular routine with all screens off 1 hour before bed

My son had a hard landing at secondary school but in a different way. His behaviour and results are very good. He simply could not fall asleep until 2 am and as a result he was terrible when waking up. Melatonin, a very small dose has made miracles. 1 mg around 8 pm and at 9:30 pm he sleeps until 7 am

It sounds hard. It may also be the case that he’s watching tv as an escape and distraction so sometimes taking it away at bedtime can be hard as then he has to sit with his own thoughts.
if he can, I’d maybe ask if things play on his mind at bedtime at all, it’s a good way in and a more informal way of asking what the difficulty is…..

I would probably deal with it really firmly. You have tried talking, you have told him he can come to your with anything, this was rightly the first thing to have tried and you should always keep that available for him even when coming down hard. Personally I'd take the tv out of his room and confiscate the phone and any tablet/game consoles overnight. Get him an old school CD player for audiobooks podcasts or music to fall asleep to if that helps. Maybe permanently maybe say he can earn it back once this behaviour changes. Make it clear you will always support and help him no matter what but will not accept this from him.

Be prepared to move his school if it's influenced by peers or bullying or something school related.

He’s stressed. What support is in place at home and school. What’s he finding difficult day to day at school

Sooooo......

Let me guess....

Any "big" changes in family circumstances, in the last wee while?

I'd be switching off the WiFi so a smart tv won't work (presuming that's the kind he has), he can't use his phone and putting a lock on his phone to prevent him accessing it. He needs to sleep. That may improve his behaviour.

Have you gone into the school to talk to the student services lead? My son struggled in the first half of yr7, not naughty but anxiety he developed during covid due to the draconian restrictions on his life meant he just couldn't cope.

He's now yr9 and doing really well, and I put a lot of that down to a much more structured evening routine at home, no access to "devices" after 9pm and the huge help the school gave him.

9pm is pretty early for a secondary school kid tbh. He’s probably just not tired at that time. My son and his friends have a 10pm bedtime during the week

9pm is very early. Is he up way later as you are asleep?

No no big changes have happened at home or around him!

I have been confiscating things so he doesn't have them for bed. We do have a structured routine at home as I have 2 boys with extra needs who need routine.

I literally have no idea what to do anymore, do I punish him at home for his behaviour at school? Should I just punish him at home when his behaviour is bad at home? It's his mouth more than anything cheeky, backchat, swearing.

OK .... 2 boys with extra needs?

Tell me more.

I have a 10 year old who is been assessed and a 3 year old who is been assessed too. Both on ASD pathway.

And there's your answer.

I would imagine he is struggling with the chaos of living with 2 other high need siblings.

Then he has the transition of Secondary school and everything falls apart.

Bet he is feeling more and more left out.

Then you start removing Xbox, internet because it's all about "bad behaviour" and he starts resenting you.

It's actually about love and belonging.

You need to reset the relationship with him.

He needs big hugs, 1 on 1 time and reassurance.

ALL behaviour is communication.

I try my best with him too, he seems to care more about his friends.

Should I punish him at home for his behaviour at school? Or leave that for school to deal with? Don't want him to think I don't care and do it all the more.

Thanks