Change in behaviour since starting secondary

[Laurenmummytoo2]

Just looking for some advice if this has happened with any other children. At my wits end 😔

My child started secondary fully in september. Since starting he has drastically changed in behaviour. Everyday he is getting phone calls home, detention, sanctions, isolations. His behaviour consists of disruptions constantly in lessons, answering back, no respect towards teachers. He is a very bright boy and scared of what he doing for his future. He is already been moved down sets for English and in talks of been moved down from top set maths.

His behaviour is also bad at home, tormenting his brothers and fighting, back chatting, swearing, don't care attitude towards everything.

I'm not sure why, I have spoken to him over and over and he doesn't take any responsibility for his actions it's always someone else to blame.

He turned 12 in December.

I just don't know what to do or how to treat this and nothing is working so far.

Does anyone have experience from this and any advice on anything that helped your child through this, isit a phase? I just don't know anymore. 😔😔

How does he get on with his dad?

What was his behaviour like at primary?

I'd take the tv out of his room tbh

To be honest not quite great. Dad just wants the best for him but he doesn't quite seem to get that and thinks he on it him all the time.

He was well behaved he had his odd moments but what boys don't and nothing like he is been at secondary. I am having phonecalls home every single day. He is getting detention every single day. He is a very bright boy and I don't want him to ruin his future. It's just very hard getting that through to him.

The issues are constantly been disruptive in class, not doing his work and taking nothing seriously.

Has he fallen in with a bad crowd at his new school? That would be my first thought.

And there's your second answer.

He needs a positive/stable male role model to take him fishing/fixing bikes/ playing footy/teaching him what it means to be a man etc.

As for school.... YOU NEED TO BE TIGHT WITH SCHOOL.

School need your support and you need theirs.

Feels like a lot of tension in all directions. Two siblings who may have allowances made. Not him. He has different expectations. He doesn't have a great rapport with dad: who maybe has high expectations of him. Not sure what type of school it is; super strict / highly academic / long commute? If he has two ASD brothers are you sure not him too?

Is he getting proper treatment for his anemia? I have anemia and it can cause adhd-type symptoms as well as anxiety and depression. I need a super strong dose of iron to get back to a good level.

This happened with my DS - he has ADHD which wasn’t diagnosed till year 8. He was OK in juniors as the demands weren’t so great. His secondary school had very intransigent behaviour programme. Not suggesting it is this, but worth giving consideration to as you have two others who are neurodivergent. If I could go back in time I would have moved him as the school didn’t suit him.

It's very good that you have recognised how serious this is. I was a head of year for nearly 10 years in a secondary school I was always very clear with parents that the behaviour policy in the school was progressive, we began with detentions and being on report but it could if rarely end in permanent exclusion.
You are reaching out for help here, the mental health professionals I work with recommend parenting classes and parents I work with all say they really helped.
From my personal experience I would say that trying to reason with secondary age students doesn't work, you can't convince them that good behaviour is in their best interests.
You can enforce your boundaries though and refuse to back down because they try to blackmail you.
I too wondered about how the SEND of your other two children affects him at home.
You must work with the school and I suspect partly his behaviour is influenced by his online presence, I only say this as we see this constantly at school. Many if not all teenagers have access to devices their parents are not aware of. Secret second phones are very common, and they use them after bedtime sometimes almost all night.
Please do seek support in your area our school can provide a long list of places to get that support, please ask your child's school for this.

@Fleetheart I had same. DC was diagnosed ADHD at the end of Yr7 after issues suddenly being clear. Primary hadn't been same issues as less demands, more breaks, learning not sat at a desk all day etc
Luckily our school is strict but not super strict and is holistic in approach. They've been brilliant.

Not an expert but children often have unidentified need in primary due to being able to cope. The demands in secondary can make the wheels come off. I would be meeting with school and also discussing with GP about the sleep. They can signpost to services to support.

His anemia is been treated with high dose iron liquid. Which he will be on for 3 months and retested.

I have actually had that in my head at the back niggling wondering could he be? And think moving to secondary has triggered this as his primary was a very small one class per year school.

I don't want to be on at him all time aswell as school doing the same as this will obviously be alot for him but he needs to realise his behaviour is not acceptable.

I've done parenting classes/courses years ago as I struggled with my middles child's behaviour. So things I have learnt i use with them all to treat them equally.

I have been to the GP and he sends me back to school to get support there. What I am worried about is if the school think he is just naughty and not actually that he may actually be neurodivergent. Where do I go from here, how can I get him assessed, can I go via right choose through the GP?

You need to make an appointment with the SEN at the school- they'll have had this before where behaviour ends up being undiagnosed ADHD

I will do that on Monday, just hope there supportive. Thankyou

It's in their best interest to be supportive - much better for their SEN to be working with one additional student than to have that student regularly on their behaviour management system.

Secondary schools are bear pits - the pressure on kids is immense, from teachers, peers, and society at large. The strain of not doing anything 'uncool', the delucate nature of friendships, the way you are suddenly treated like an adult after spending primary being a little kid. It's exhausting and stressful.

What does he care about? What is he interested in? Can you focus on the positive and strengthening your relationship separately from your school concerns. Backing the school may help them, but don't do it at the expense of your relationship with him.

Yes you can use Right to Choose to seek an ADHD assessment.

I was going to suggest this too.
When we got our son assessed we were told it was good we were doing it then and not waiting until he started secondary school as that was often where things became more apparent.
I'm not sure going in all guns blazing would be where I would start.
Something is bothering him and it's just going to take time to figure out what that is.
It's hard I know.

Have you thought about family counselling?

Thanks everyone for your advice. I did go and see my GP about right to chose he said they are not doing them for children from my understanding this is incorrect so not sure where to go from now, I am awaiting the senco to contact me from school. X

Anemia can lead to ADHD symptoms, google it. They literally cannot concentrate.
As others have said, phone usage, sweets, too much TV, can also make them look like ADHD. If you are having a hard time with the younger ones, as well. And then hormones.
12 is still very very young. They need love, guidance and attention. I would start with love bombing, and giving him lots of positive attention at home and probably a quasi screen ban. Also, what are his vitamin D and other vitamin levels like? What is his diet like? 12 is quite young to be anemic, especially for a boy. Has he been tested for coeliac and other conditions that contribute to anemia?

Did your son get a phone when he started secondary school? A phone with access to social media and the internet/porn etc. is the one of the most likely things to be causing all the issues you’ve mentioned. Particularly as you’ve mentioned that nothing else has changed at home, beyond starting secondary school.
If he has a normal phone, it’s highly unlikely that you know what he is accessing or who he is talking to on there.

Op my ds had this issue. He was tired, anaemic, back-chatting, being disruptive, getting into detentions. I addressed the anaemia with supps and improved his diet, got him to bed earlier (9pm can be too late depending on when they need to be up...and some kids just need more!), he had to put his phone in the hallway at 8pm....i also changed school. A lot of the bad behaviour was him copying others or trying to be the class clown etc.

Hi my daughter is the same at the moment. There's no talking too her. It's why you shouting at me if we try to talk to her. In primary school she was so caring loving and gentle. Now I'm really sorry to say she's definitely turning into a she devil 🫣. I've got a meeting today with the headteacher hoping we can work together to sort this out.