Shouted at daughters bully

[Jenwilks82]

So I think I may have messed up.
My almost 13 year old daughter has been getting targeted by some horrible girls, one in particular being the ringleader. The rumors about her, isolation, inviting her to places just to be the butt of a joke.
We were driving home and the main girl was on the path, I stopped and shouted at her to leave my daughter alone, and it's not big or clever to bully. They ran after the car shouting abuse, so again I shouted at this girl saying it's wrong, how would she like it if someone said things to her or called her a mess and a fat cow etc (things my slim little daughter gets called and now won't eat!).
Long story short they recorded me and the parents of this girl are rough! They said they are going to the police, school etc and I'm pretty sure this video will make things worse.
I know I should have kept my emotions in check and I'm in the wrong for shouting at a minor, but how much trouble could I be in?

Don’t worry you didn’t say anything wrong she shouldn’t call your daughter a fat cow and you’re right for telling her. The police have got way more important things to do 😆 I would ask the school to keep a close eye on her this week though. Well done on standing up for your daughter.

Change your daughter's school she will be happier. I wouldn't keep putting her in that situation if it's causing her to have issues with eating etc. and the school is doing nothing. You probably won't be in much trouble but the video will get shared around her school and will make things worse.

I'd have no problem doing that. I won't let my kids be bullied. My partner's family won't either. There was a time where a girl wouldn't leave another family member alone and the school didn't do anything about it. A confrontation with the girl's mother and a few of our family members where they were told what would occur if it didn't stop and it was all cleared up. We don't play once we've tried to do the right thing. We won't have our kids terrorised. We will knock on your door.

Change schools. Your daughter has a target on her back now and if you can’t match the roughness of the bullying family (as others on here can) you have no hope in rectifying this situation.

If we were that rough, our kids wouldn't be bullied. What we do have is a fierce urge to protect our children like the OP here, even when we might be frightened.

I wouldn't worry about the police.
I'd be more worried about the repercussions from her family.
If this girl is ballsy enough to chase after your car, shouting abuse, she probably knows her parents are going to back her up, that there'll be no repercussions for her.
It takes some balls as a teenager to shout at a parent.
I'd move your dd out of that school.
I saw a similar incident recently where a dm confronted a schoolgirl for bullying her dd, I was walking on the other side of the road, it really wasn't a good look, understandable as everyone would want to protect their dc but I walked away thinking the dm had just shot herself in the foot by confronting the "bully".

with respect.... rough parents?what is that?
youre no better-yelling at kids really -will getchu in serious shit.
is really crap for dd.understand how difficult situation is to navigate.who said go school,police etc?
kids or rough parents.if you shouting wht you say you did-is far from ideal,BUT...exposes wht they been doing so let them.are school already aware?they need to be

They sound like utter shits and pretty thick too. What do they think the police are going to see from their video? A mum trying to get them to stop bullying her child.

I agree with PP, move to a nicer school.

with respect.... rough parents?what is that?
youre no better-yelling at kids really -will getchu in serious shit.

Oh come on, hardly the same now, is it?

If you are actually able to stand toe to toe with bullies mother, find her, corner her, and tell her in words of one syllable to stay away, and keep her daughter away, from yours.
If not, move schools because your daughter now has a massive target on her back, and the bullying will escalate.
Don't expect any help from the school, they just won't, no matter what they might say, they won't care or actually do anything.

I always love the ‘move schools’ like there is 1000s of spare school places at any school you choose!

Thing with recording is the people who use the videos want to loom whiter than white.

So a video of you saying everything she's done to bully DD isn't a useful tool.

And if they go to the police you just report the bullying to them and ask for an investigation.

There is no way for them to come out of this unscathed which may be your saving Grace!

Totally understand why you did it too.

It’s really upsetting when your child is upset but I would never, ever get involved in this way directly with children or speaking directly to parents.

I know a lot of people assume that the child will be intimidated by an angry adult but a lot of the time they aren’t; they find it funny. Rather than ending up with a child stammering and agreeing to leave your child alone you end up being mocked and that potentially is going to make life more difficult for your child.

Then on the off chance that they were intimidated by the adult, they can very rightly use this as first line of defence if challenged by school or whoever and you can end up in situations like this where parents are involved who may be more intimidating than you are, or who know people who are.

I imagine the school will probably say you should let them deal with it and I do think this is best. By all means press the school if nothing seems to be happening.

Really not a smart move. Get ahead of this and go to the school tomorrow. Have you been to the school about the bullying

Depends who you are and what you say. If you say stupid things that they'd never believe, then yes. If you genuinely make them fearful because they are unsure how far you'd go, then most children will burst into tears on the spot.

The reason you tell the school first and wait and see what they do is because then you can tell them that they didn't do enough and you had to safeguard your child. Believe me when I say they will not want that to get out and will protect you too.

Some people are okay with their child experiencing prolonged bullying if it means they stay out of trouble. Not me. I've seen what bullying can do to a person over a lifetime. I'll terrify any kid that tries to harm mine when proposed channels have failed.

It’s teenagers, not five year olds. Most teenagers, especially in groups, aren’t going to be intimidated by an adult, if they ARE intimidated by an adult then it’s gone too far and if they aren’t, you’ve just made yourself look like a bit of a wally (said ‘nicely’ and not trying to have a go.) It also has the potential to escalate to a point where it’s difficult to manage, so let’s say you intimidate and scare a thirteen year old and her mum is furious and stops and intimidates and scares YOUR thirteen year old and then …

It really is not a good way of dealing with a problem. None of us like to think as adults that we’re a figure of fun but to kids we often are. A woman getting out of her car and shouting at a group of girls is unlikely to be frightening. I think a lot of people believe their very presence is somehow menacing and conveys a ‘don’t mess with me’ sort of persona and in most cases it doesn’t. What are you actually going to do? Because if you’re not going to use physical violence and I’d hope not then all you’ve got is standing around yelling which isn’t massively effective.

I'll terrify any kid that tries to harm mine when proposed channels have failed

Do you also tell your children to hit back if someone hits them? Because that always makes things better doesn’t it?
Admitting that you're ok with terrifying children isn't the best parenting move you can make. All it means is that you become the bully.

If that's all you shouted then I can't see you getting into trouble for it - as long as you weren't threatening and intimidating them.

I think you may have given them more ammunition against your daughter though unfortunately.

I agree with the poster who said get ahead of it and speak to the school asap this morning.

This. It was an idiotic thing to do but it's happened. How did you think they'll react, oh ok thrn well behave ourselves now?

Oh give over. Everyone has a fierce urge to protect their kids 🙄 We just don't all live in an episode of Shameless where we sink to the same level and turn up as a mob to threaten people on their doorstep.

OP, moving schools is good advice if you have that option open to you. If this girl is chasing your car then she's clearly out of control. She's not going to be brought into line by the authority of the school and clearly she doesn't feel that her parents will reprimand her either. You've also just unfortunately given her lots more ammo to throw at your child, although I understand the emotion behind your outburst.

I wouldn't worry about the police though. If it happened as you say here then you haven't assaulted her or threatened her. I'm not sure what they would be wanting to speak to you about.

Because you'd rather let your child be bullied than stand up for them. I'm just a different type of parent to you. I'll try the right channels but after that, I'll confront the bully and the parent on my terms.

I see parents who would let their child live in terror and shane over risk getting themselves in trouble because they're so frightened of people thinking badly of them. More frightened than they are of their kid's poor mental health.

I woud wait and see it might all calm down. I presume the other girls were there - maybe they woudn't be pleased with the police knocking on their door to ask about the event - their behaviour is bound to be mentioned as part of a bullying girl gang, how will their parents behave. Are they going to believe 5 against one is fair and that you and your daughter are the bullies - I doubt it.

Agreed it is advice given lightly and may not be very easy to achieve.

However, the only thing that helped my daughter was moving schools.
I did everything right, worked with the school, begged the school, reported the school and all the time my daughter’s well being was being ripped away.

I was so scared my child would end herself and wish I had moved her much sooner.
She is happy now but permanent damage has been done to her.

OP, I don’t blame you for doing this, it is appallingly difficult to stay calm when your child is being needlessly and cruelly targeted.

Unfortunately, I doubt it will help, children do not seem to have the fear/ respect for adults that older generations would have done.

@ByGentleFatball it isn’t about being a different type of parent to you because you’re somehow superior. It’s more about recognising that however much I’d like to think I have a menacing, ominous sort of persona which will quell terror into the heart of any child I meet, I don’t. I am a fairly ordinary, slightly overweight mother who stands at five foot three and is unlikely to intimidate or frighten anybody over the age of six.

If you DO look like Tyson Fury you shouldn’t be chasing after kids and if you don’t, it’s unlikely to do what you want it to do, it’s as simple as that.

This is a wider point but I also think it’s not great for our children to see it as something worthy of screaming and chasing after people, it’s better to treat it like a fly buzzing in the house - annoying and you want to get rid of it but not important.

children do not seem to have the fear/ respect for adults that older generations would have done.

I don’t know which previous generations you mean but I do remember this backfiring spectacularly on a parent when I was at school and I am 44 now, so the best part of thirty years ago.

I was once threatened with a pen knife by a kid in school, I was year 5 so didn't really register how serious that was, went and told a TA, I was on crutches as well so extra vulnerable. My mum was then told, at school pick up she went up to him, also a year 5, and whispered menacingly "if you ever threaten my daughter again I will make your life hell" 😂 he was expelled.
I wouldn't feel bad, I understand your worry though especially as the kids have clearly learnt that behaviour from their parents, I would approach the school first and explain what happened and try get ahead of it. Then hopefully seek some justice for your daughter so the bullies behaviour can be checked by school