Y11 2023/24 thread 5 - results!

[Techno56]

New thread as no 4 is nearly full

Hi, I don't have experience of DD self harming but she has put a lot of pressure on herself this year as she sets herself very high goals. It has been worrying, exasperating and infuriating at times for DH and I as it really hasn't come from us.

However, she is through it now and we did have a number of meltdowns and tears both during her mocks and actual exams. The best thing I found was to take her somewhere just us two and let her just talk and talk it through, repeating my reassurance of how the grades are not everything. Although she didn't want to hear it, I pointed out how the stress could potentially make her achieve less well if it affects her too much. Tbh this may well be the case in one her her subjects as she did fall apart in the first paper. My reaction to this mini breakdown was to take the afternoon off work, take her out for a drive and some food and just being there, repeating my reassurance that it would all be ok.

I know this is no magic resolution but it works for us, the only thing it does is leave me sad and drained that DD can't see her worth outside exams at that point but things get better quickly and it was really just a case of giving her all my attention for the period she needed someone to fall back on.

I hope your DD manages this next year, does she talk about the stress much? Can you 'prep' her that yes it will be tough, but you will get through it together whatever the outcome? Sure you have already done this but I have had to constantly reiterate this the past few months for my DD.

@bluefineliner
Thanks for that. We are trying are best with the reassurances etc but just so concerned that if she's struggled this much with the Mock Mocks at the end of year 10, going to be a long hard time for her through the year, real mocks and actual exams. School been great so far and put referrals in place who have already contacted me with support to start from September so hopefully it all helps

@Darkbutstarrynight my experience is that the anxiety got better after the first set of mocks. DD was a right mess before them and her anxiety even triggered a gluten intolerance (now the exams are done she can tolerate some gluten). She lost a huge amount of weight and looked awful. But she managed to do a decent amount of work and did ok and then her anxiety dropped to a manageable level. The build up to y11 and the first mocks was def the worst period for her.

she also struggled with the y10 mocks and did badly in a couple of subjects, which I was able to get her tutoring to cover, the teaching had been non existent for science so I felt I had to.

She panicked about how to revise but once she found the methods that worked for her, she got better. There’s an app she found really helpful for the exams and some of her friends used it too —it’s called Flora and it’s a focus app.

@Darkbutstarrynight - no advice I'm afraid as my DS, at least so far, been okay, although he didn't have year 10 mocks. He was really stressed before the first set of mocks in November (though nothing on the scale your DD is experiencing) and it did get better after this . I do hope you and daughter get through this

DS' new "uniform" is also business suit with the sixth form tie. Sports kit is needed if he gets into one of the teams. I'm putting off trying to buy a suit for a 6'5" skinny 16 year old because I'm not looking forward to the shopping trip. I think Next may be my saviour here (not words I've used before!)

Next suits are great for sixth form as they wash well :)

DD self harms and had anxiety in some lessons, I’m not sure the exams were really to do with it, I think for her it was more other stuff (abusive boyfriend). I don’t have any tips - we got her private counselling as unfortunately CAMHS didnt take on the referral.

No uniform here and I'm dreading it. DD will be flapping around saying she has nothing to wear within a week.

Thanks for suggesting Next. DS also needs suits for 6th form and all I asked is that they are washable. He is also tall and thin.

We have received the instructions for results day. In person at 10am. The week before will be long.

Thanks @Stoufer

@Wehaditsogood Next have one suit in extra long but in three boring business colours. Hopefully it will do the trick! .ASOS also have washable cheap suits in their tall section.

In a way it's quite good having a specified uniform as it does get around the issue @Zonder describes.

@Waspie my eldest got round the boring coloured suit issue by opting for a rather fabulous tie!

😂 I love fabulous ties. I have bought DH many over the years that he has filed in his wardrobe never to be seen again.

Unfortunately DS has to wear a school tie so perhaps he'll opt for rebellious white socks instead - at least until someone notices and tells him not to. He's not much of a rebel really!

@Darkbutstarrynight does your DD do any clubs etc out of school?
My DD year 9 struggles not self harmed but nails bitten right to finger tips have to keep treating them as had a couple of infections and making herself ill with stress had lots of time of last year. Thank you @Countrylife2002 will check her diet next time as she does eat a lot of gluten at times. Last year I got her into competiting at Athletics and it made a big difference was hard at start but after a while she stopped worrying if she was in top places this has also transferred to school exams too. Got another friend who enrolled her DD in a cross between boxing and box fit which has helped her.

Thanks @Tebheag
And others that have helped...yes she does have a good activity she does loads of outside school so will keep up with that and she has asked re going to the gym with friends so will look into that too

It's really hard when they are so stressed. DD1 found exams really stressful. We paid for some CBT counselling as she'd never meet threshold for CAMHS locally. It was financially painful but worth it, and I do appreciate that might not be an option for you. Do school offer in house counselling? The school I work for pays for a counsellor once a week but there is always a waiting list.

@Philandbill
There seems to be a good set-up here in that there's a school-based referral into a CAHMS scheme which is set-for these kind of issues. Already been triaged and accepted over last 2 weeks, been sent some info and assured that once back at school there will be some face to face I put within school time and potentially out of school too. Apparently it's been more of an issue with this year group than usual and the teachers think partly because the year never did year 6 sats so now looking at coming across their first real exams

That sounds like a good set up. CAMHS here is overrun, when a friend's child was at crisis it was a three month wait for the crisis team. I'm glad that is so much better where you are. DD1 missed her GCSEs in 2020 due to COVID and found A levels really stressful. She coped and got the grades she needed for university but she chose a degree course with continual assessment rather than final exams, which is a relief to us all!

Yep mine will too. I’ve tried to preempt by significantly raising her allowance on the basis she pays for all her clothes now. If she needs more, she can look for a job!

She’s bought a few bits and is also utilising my prolific account to earn extra ££, and has a summer job just for a week next week. But I know she will decide she doesn’t have enough clothes so she will have to learn to budget !!

i think my biggest thing is making her use the bus (or her feet) rather than call me for a lift. I always give in, it’s so irritating ! College is further than school and I really do not want to start driving there and back. I’ll take her if the bus doesn’t turn up (we live in the country so they are not frequent), but not if she misses it . I’m a walkover, I need to toughen up! I was so independent at her age.

We've never given DS an allowance - or even pocket money. We've always just paid for what he needed. He doesn't really go out much at the moment and when he does he uses his own money (mainly received from his grandparents). He mainly spends his money on tennis stuff and trainers!

I want to change this and move to an allowance model where he has to manage his money.

I don't know where the cut off between what we continue to pay for and things DS has to budget for should be.

I'm interested to know from those of you who give an allowance, where is the line for you between what comes from their allowance and what you pay for for your children? Also, how much allowance do you give your children? Thanks!

I give ds £15 per week and that’s just for bits and bobs he wants such as a drink/ snack from the shop. If he’s going to the cinema or out with friends somewhere I just send him the money for those things as he needs it. He has no interest in being given money to do his own clothes shopping etc so I just pay for all that as and when. Obviously if I expected him to pay for his own social activities / clothes etc, £15 per week would go nowhere. So I’d probably increase it to about £150-£200 per month in that instance.

Thanks @Spacecowboys. Your son sounds like mine! Mine isn't really interested in managing his own money, just wants the bank of mum and dad to sort it out

I'm tentatively thinking he can pay for his own clothes and trainers and social life from an allowance and we'll cover his subscriptions (phone, spotify, chess.com) and anything necessary for school. Not sure about sports - perhaps we'll pay the memberships and he can pay for kit and social side. At school he can either make himself a packed lunch or spend his own money in the cafeteria.

DD has £20 per month.

She spends it on gifts for her friends or family. Any special trainers she wants. Snacks and suchlike if she goes out with mates. Any books (non-school), music, nik-naks.

She does t go out much, doesn't follow fashion etc.

I pay for everything school related, clubs, clothes. And outings if it's a family outing.

It's great for her to have her own account and card because she can go to hairdressers without me or use train etc. and I pay her back afterwards.

I give dd £100 a month now (since GCSEs). She buys all her own clothes (she’s going to college so no uniform) and pays for her own gym attendance (£10 a time) and all social / books etc. I’ll buy college stuff and I’ve bought her a new backpack and will buy her a new coat in the autumn. She does surveys and sells on Vinted to make more. She sells my stuff too for a 50pc commission ! I pay for her phone.

I have £100pm myself for all these things so she’s definitely not getting more!

We have given the children pocket money since they were small. We used cash at first and then Go Henry cards. It was because they wanted endless comics and crap cheap toys so they had their own budget. I feel like it's really important for them to learn from a young age that money is finite.

From about 12 we gave them a bigger budget, encouraged them to put some into savings and then they could use the rest on whatever. We included clothes in this. We pay for uniform and the basics like underwear, shoes and coats. They pay for the rest.

It has all worked really well - they buy what they can afford and save for the bigger things. Now they earn money but I still give them an allowance.

It should all be fine, more than fine, for DC, but every now and then I (and they) wobble that there'll be an upset somewhere that might affect their 6th form which would be awful. Honestly don't mind what else happens as long as that's ok.

Very glad we'll be on holiday for the week before.

Thanks all. I will talk it over with DP and DS. I would love to do it the way @Zonder has, but DS hasn't been interested. He would rather just do without (he's fundamentally lazy). I'm getting the feeling it may be easier to do all or nothing. I might add up roughly what I spend on his things monthly and see what that looks like and rake it from there.

I've bought his stuff for sixth form @Countrylife2002 - he has to wear a business suit with white shirt, school tie and black shoes. I've also bought him a new rucksack, iPad, Apple pencil, text books and set texts, plus I'll need to get him a bus pass. If he gets into any sports teams he will need kit for this too. It's even more expensive than starting year 7 😂

Have your teenagers started on their bridging work yet? DS has done some for one subject but not even looked at the rest.