14yo DS' terrible school report - drastic changes needed

[RealHousewivesOfTaunton]

My 14yo DS' school report came out yesterday and it's very hard reading. He's causing low-level disruption in one lesson, not making enough effort in others. His marks are atrocious. He barely does his homework. He's a bright boy but his attitude stinks.

At home, he says that school is boring and doesn't see why he should bother in "useless subjects". He spends most of his time in his room building his own online business. I monitor his internet use and his phone. He also loves playing football, plays for the school and a local team and has coaching in-between.

He had a really lovely group of friends but seems to have gravitated away from them into a group with one or two boys who concern me. They're into Andrew Tate and other online influencers who don't have healthy views about women and life in general. I monitor his laptop and phone and have parental controls set up that limit his time and access on both. I challenge views that come from AT and his ilk.

On the back of this report, I've confiscated his laptop and told him that there will be drastic changes to adjust his attitude towards school. He's in year 9, going into his GCSEs in September. Any advice?

What does he want to do post GCSEs? Is he 'on track' to meet those requirements?
Might you find that when the learning has a purpose he gets more engaged? Might he end up in different classes from his 'friends'?

Any positive male role models in his life who could talk to him (eg football coaches?)

I often think the USA seems to have it right when I see on TV about kids not being allowed to play on teams without achieving certain grades in school. Don't know how true that is though.

He doesn't have any clear idea of what he wants to do post-16 other than become extremely rich

I'll talk to him this evening about what his group's doing for GCSE options next year. One of them's on a managed move to another school.

Does he actually have a business idea? Look at the grades needed to get into business school to build a business.

That's a great idea. His football coach is a young chap and he also idolises his PE teachers. The school does run mentorship programs so I'll talk to them about that in September.

Yes, he's buying consumer electronics from China and selling them here. He's coded his own website and has a drop-shipping agreement. I'm reluctant to take his laptop away permanently because he's so engaged with this, but it needs to be a fun thing, not a replacement for trying hard at school. Similarly, he's taking GCSE PE and needs to play football for that.

In all honesty I have a lot of sympathy for him.

We have an education system that only suits academic kids.

I am not surprised that kids like your son who don’t enjoy academic study, end up going the way your son has. Few people have the discipline to force themself to do things they hate, especially for years, even if they see a clear purpose in them. And your son doesn’t even see a clear purpose. And he’s only a kid.

I see this as a failing in the system, not your son.

Sorry, I know that does not help you.

At the end of the day, even if he messes up his gcse’s, he does have other options. He may develop a successful business of his own. He can go back to education as an adult, if he chooses.

My youngest has just finished primary, and has never liked school or work. I’m really worried for how he will find secondary, so I do sympathize OP.

This makes him sound like quite an impressive young man OP.

There is no need for laptop etc so Id take it for the whole summer, or if he needs it for his business set him up a work station and he works for 3 hours a day or whatever not just free access. I would be looking a outreach activities, open lectures at universities / libraries that are age appropriate, work experience (wildlife trusts are good for this), Young Wardens at a wildlife trust too, involved with a cadet group, outward bound week at Plas Y Brenin etc. he needs to be inspired and engaged with education again and to see how it relates to his future and next steps.

Its not unusual for year 9 students to be disengaged, it's a hard slog and since getting rid of KS3 sats it's abit of a nothing year. But he is at risk of not engaging at all for his GCSEs and being in the group that 'show' the teachers he doesn't like by not doing well.

Are the bad results in subjects he is dropping?

I would say he needs to stop the football even if it means he needs to change from pe gcse.

You don’t have a 14 year old boy do you?

This is a really tough age, often year 9 is the worst in the school, you find that in year 10 when they are doing their options that they have chosen, they start to focus better. The thing that jumps out at me the most as a concern is the Andrew Tate stuff I think enlisting a male role model to dispel some of these ideas is a really good thought. I think there is a lot of positive enterprising things that he is doing that I would be encouraging strongly. I also think the poster above makes a good point about the education system, it doesn’t cater for all children. At 14 he’s too old for you to try and mould with lectures and volunteering - he simply won’t engage - but I would have some hardlines about being disruptive in class and generally being respectful.

@Gladespade No, I have a 14 year old girl and a decade of experience working with disengaged teenagers. If you leave him to his own devices he will crash through his GCSEs, it's great he has a business but on the chance it doesn't work he needs GCSEs and to be able to access the next stages of education whether that be academic or vocational.

Outward bound activities, conservation work, cadets are full of positive male and female role models. It's heavy work and career related and activities are often exciting and after the initial reticence even the most surly teen will get involved.

He wants to run a business so yes I'd be looking for open lectures on business management, finance, career fairs, computer science etc if that's what he is interested in. He might not understand everything but it'll get him to see the flight path and what he needs to do to get there. Teens need inspiring from outside of home and school where they don't value parents or teachers views. I was at an event with 14 year old DD at the Royal Institute recently where there were two young men talking about their business start up with plenty of time for Q&A at the end and an invite to contact them in future for work experience etc.

Hi OP,

Just wanted to say I wouldn't stop the stuff he is engaged with. It's really good and impressive to have a business and football and getting rid of the good things he's doing will not help his future at all. Things like that look really good on CV's. For punishment maybe phone/settings on laptop so he can only use it for his business?

Maybe talk to him about what he wants to do e.g. business management/apprenticeship he'll need a decent maths grade.

He's got 3 very full weeks coming up in the holidays with football training camp, a language camp abroad as a family and a residential football camp. Then a week with his grandparents to decompress a bit. I'll look at the Royal Institute and similar for lectures that would interest him. He does tend to literally fall asleep at this kind of thing so it will have to be really good 😬

I looked at summer school opportunities focusing on business but they're either megabucks or on weeks he's away. I've made note of some promising ones for next summer.

He did Bronze DofE this year, with volunteering experience at a local community football club. I thought he'd love that bit but he said it was "slave labour" and just messed around while his friend did the actual work. I was so cross with him. I'll run cadets past him. I was in the ATC as a cadet and staff and know it can work wonders, but he does need to actually attend and engage.

Up until year 8, he was a model student. Very high marks across the board, head boy at junior school, funny and absolutely delightful. I know he'll emerge out of the teenage years but I don't want him to bomb his GCSEs in the meantime.

Has he registered with HMRC

Would bribery work? He sounds financially motivated so he attends cadets and he gets £5 a night, he does voluntary work, you pay him minimum wage or similar.

Sounds like you have good plans for the summer. I was also in ATC and thinks it works brilliantly especially if you get him involved in the summer whilst the funeral stuff is on and so he is ready for adventure activity camps etc next year

No, the particularly bad ones are in English, Science and Geography (which he's chosen as an option). He got 17% in his end of year English exam. This is a kid who's had a reading age of 17 since year 5.

I have tried bribery. He's interested momentarily, then decides he CBA.

Excellent point. I'll send him off for a session with the accountancy company round the corner so they can talk him through what he needs to do.

There is also some cult that is telling kids they don't need an education and really influences them away from parents and school. My friends son ended up reading this stuff, it pre-empts what parents are likely to say to brain wash them even further.

I would check to see he is not involved with that as well.

He has one already. What makes you think you need to go to business school in order to build a business?

If it makes you feel any better, I have seen students like this turn it around. He hasn't actually started his GCSE course yet, he has some time to mature.

What I would do is message the school today, and it has to be today before they finish if he hasn't finished already. Requesting that he be kept separate during lessons from the other boys, their influence on each other, tell them of your AT concerns and about toxic masculinity etc and see if they have a positive male mentoring scheme - some schools do as toxic masculinity is such a big issue in schools at the moment.

My DS was like this, he totally couldn’t see the point of Shakespeare etc (and to an extent who can blame him?). I was always academic but he’s not; he is however very entrepreneurial and was doing all sorts of activies like your DS.
My DS also has ADHD so he can hyperfocus when he is really interested but absolutely not when no interest.

He actually ended up taking no GCSEs(!) but at the time I was more concerned with his mental health as he hated school and being so pressurised. He is now training to be a tree surgeon but still does lots of entrepreneurial stuff. So I guess I would say support him; make sure he knows the rules, but definitely encourage the mentorship side, that’s so important with boys. As you know teenage boys are highly unlikely to revere what their mums advise.

I haven't read the full thread but my boy is at the same age. He is bright but lazy and is finally settling down with friends etc. his grades are fine but we made the decision to not focus on the subjects he was dropping so they dipped quite a lot. We have talked and I expect his gcse subject grades to be rising/be stable by Christmas. If they don't/aren't we will reduce his sport training and might even get a tutor. He is also sport obsessed. I am hoping this works....😬 but I'm not worrying until sept as it could ruin the whole summer.... sorry I realise this isn't much help. We have looked forward to the after school pathway, post gcse and a level so he can see that is all a means to an end to get the right post/uni course etc. I was lazy at school and didn't sort it out till I got into uni and could see the possibilities.