14yo DS' terrible school report - drastic changes needed

[RealHousewivesOfTaunton]

My 14yo DS' school report came out yesterday and it's very hard reading. He's causing low-level disruption in one lesson, not making enough effort in others. His marks are atrocious. He barely does his homework. He's a bright boy but his attitude stinks.

At home, he says that school is boring and doesn't see why he should bother in "useless subjects". He spends most of his time in his room building his own online business. I monitor his internet use and his phone. He also loves playing football, plays for the school and a local team and has coaching in-between.

He had a really lovely group of friends but seems to have gravitated away from them into a group with one or two boys who concern me. They're into Andrew Tate and other online influencers who don't have healthy views about women and life in general. I monitor his laptop and phone and have parental controls set up that limit his time and access on both. I challenge views that come from AT and his ilk.

On the back of this report, I've confiscated his laptop and told him that there will be drastic changes to adjust his attitude towards school. He's in year 9, going into his GCSEs in September. Any advice?

I would have blasted back that he’s a capitalist slave driver as all business owners are….🤣. Rich of him to blast capitalism when that is what allowed him to start a business and so he is a huge beneficiary of it,

As time goes on more and more people will realize how toxic and traumatic our schools have become. Something has put him off school entirely, I would put the academics on the back burner and just try to support your son and get enthusiastic and interested in his life the way it is. He just needs to get through these last few years with his mental health intact, he can enter university as a mature student later if he wants.

He seems to like the idea of his 'business'. Start with that. Make him set it up properly.

Is he allowed to run a business from your house? Check your mortgage and deeds.

Is he paying tax on his earnings?

As he is earning he needs to be paying board.

Give him the summer to set it up properly and start running it, again properly.

And I agree with a PP about having access to his bank account.

With school there is an option of going to an FE college at 14 to do something like a BTEC in business. He would still need to do English and maths.

If he stays at school and goes the usual GCSE route then I would concentrate on behaviour. There is not a lot you can do to force him to study but disrupting the class is detrimental to the other students.

Ask school to put him on 'report' after the summer so that he is given feedback on his behaviour and make sure you check it.

Hardly. Drop shippers are 10 a penny.

It isn't innovative he's copied what thousands of people have already done.

His change in friendship group would concern me. He is hanging around with other kids who have a poor attitude. One of his friends is on a managed move. He isn't working and his grades are poor. You are right to be worried. Lots on here will reassure you that this is OK or it must be be abuse the school is too harsh etc. That's because there are lots of parents who have no control of their teens and their kids are also doing badly.

I think taking away his laptop and being clear with him is the right way. He sounds like a kid with a lot going for him at home. You just need to pull him back.

Indeed - any fool can sell stuff a penny cheaper than the competitors and drop-shipping is a race to the bottom. You do all right at first as you undercut everyone else, but then someone comes along and undercuts you, and your "business" evaporates overnight.

I could have a million pound business overnight if I sold five pound notes for £4.99. Turnover is vanity, profit is sanity!

I can guarantee that the son in question would be making more money working for Tesco or McDonalds for the time he's having to put into his "business" compared with the "profits" he generates.

I'd be more impressed if he had a job, or was actually doing something useful to make money like gardening, car washing, etc.

I agree. Schools work for a proportion of pupils and are indeed toxic and traumatic for a proportion, which seems to be growing.

My crap comp back in the 70s was toxic and traumatic for me. I'd have hoped things would have changed, but over the last decade that our son was at secondary school, it's clear that things have got worse. Far more "square pegs in round holes" because of the way that schools are structured. Far more pupils being left behind.

We could double or treble the funding, but the fundamental flaws wouldn't be addressed. It would just lead to more "labelling" of pupils, more segregation, millions/billions being spent on mental health and support workers. But that's all the wrong "solution" to the problem. Kids are suffering mental health problems BECAUSE OF the way schools are set up. Mental health and support workers would continue to be a sticking plaster to "heal" a broken bone! To solve the problems, we need the change how schools work - all the changes over the past few decades have just been re-arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic! Fundamental change is needed, no constantly tinkering around the edges.

The OP should actually be considering moving schools. Take the son out of the toxic environment. That's what my sister did with my nephew and it changed him virtually overnight - it facilitated a "reset" away from the trouble makers and bad influences. A client of mine, a plasterer, did the same with his son who had gone further and was in trouble with police etc - put him in a residential private boarding school that had a good reputation for turning around problem children, and it worked - just two years in private and he was back to being an A grade student, then went to state sixth form for A levels and then onto university.

It might seem an off the wall suggestion but worth just ticking off - have you had his eyesight tested recently? Shortsightedness often develops later and struggling to see the board at school could make him disengage. He might not even be aware that he is finding it harder and just find it easier not to try. Though if this is an issue it won’t be a magic fix for his attitude to learning.

I'd say don't panic and listen to him. Ds was a nightmare for school, I had so many meetings with them. He found it tedious, he did the bare minimum, they said he was lazy, he couldn't see the point of working when he knew he could pass without and as far as he was concerned he'd rather be pursuing his interests outside of school than working to get any teacher a high pass.
He passed them all A's to C rather than the A*s school wanted, did his A levels applying himself slightly more when he chose but never working hard. He got unconditional offers for uni but turned them down choosing to work in Local Government who funded a degree and Masters.
He loves to work, he progressed quickly, was tipped for the top but left for private sector when he'd worked long enough so as not to repay uni fees. He's just secured a 6 figure role largely because of his reputation, nobody has asked to see any qualifications.
I'd say from what I did right listen to him, tell him these next few years are a means to an end so suck it up, do enough to get you where you want to be and encourage his hobbies and interests. What I did wrong was not acknowledging sooner that whilst I could lead him to water I couldn't make him drink and I regret some of the cross words we had that largely achieved nothing more than bad feeling.

I think that the fact that he has not done homework is something that you as a parent should be controlling. There is a huge difference between 14 years old and 17 years old in that respect. 14 years old can still be irresponsible

I would change this environment. Last moment to do it. Move. Find another school which has a better way for kids to study hard. Maybe consider boarding school. At least get him tutoring 4 x per week . Somebody who will do the homework with him for the subject you cannot help

I would not worry about low disruption but it is essential to find what it really means.
My son in primary was causing low disruption by commenting, and muttering under his nose without rasing his hand. Even when he did raise his hand with " but why", it was also a "low disruption". I could not care less. For behaviour at the end of term, he had = in all criterions. Good enough. I find those who have + for behaviour awfully boring "yes" boys and girls.

I'm late to this thread but, based on his entrepreneurialism, can you set up a chat with anyone you know or can think of who has built a business and made a lot of money. About the steps he'll need to take etc

Eg does he want to go into the city at 18 (you don't need to go to uni) or focus on his own businesses?

Yes, definitely remove the laptop, if its the only thing he likes he will start behaving to get it back. It’s not fair on the kids in the class that want to learn when your son is disruptive.