12 year old practically blackmailing me to move schools... :(

[doublemint44]

My son started secondary school in September, and it has been MISERABLE. He started off getting in little bits of trouble (late for class, chatting, not doing homework), but has spiraled, I now get almost daily calls from the school, I get a text message every single day that he has detentions, he is rude, he walks out of class, spends ALOT of time in Linc, or pastoral, he swears at teachers, he gets aggressive. I have had to leave work on numerous occasions to collect him when he becomes "unmanageable", he actually walked out of the school the other day and appeared at my Mums house, and the school had no idea! They thought he was hiding on site somewhere...... the list goes on and its a living nightmare.

He now say she wants to move school, to get a "fresh start", he thinks if he moves everything will just magically change. I have told him HE needs to change and work on his behavior etc, as it wont be any different at any other school, he will still get in trouble for things, he will have to follow rules, behave in class etc etc but he is adamant everything with will be happy clappy, peaches and cream just by moving schools...... he has said to me he will refuse to attend, as he knows I can't physically force him to go "until you get fined and then you will have to move me"...!!!!

Today I had to go and collect him again, and he basically said infront of me and the Head, if you don't let me move I will just get worse until they expel me.......I have tried to reason, explaining that you can't just waltz into any school you like, especially when you attend one already without good cause...... that people would wonder why a kid would move schools after 1 year, when they currently go to the most local one, unless they have moved or are being bullied - and they would contact his current school and find out that he is actually just a massive pest and then they certainly won't take him. He just cannot see this- I have said if you get expelled, no other school will take you except the worst ones..... nothing seems to deter him and I am literally at my wits end with it all. He blames everyone/everything and will NOT accept his behavior is to blame (teacher hates me, that is a lie, I wasn't THAT bad, I only swore once, my mate was doing it but didn't get in trouble etc etc) he has literally wasted his first year and I am terrified what more is to come...

He has been accepted for an urgent referral to check for ADHD/ADD etc (he was fine in Primary, no sign of this coming at all!), but I have said IF he does get diagnosed, he is still him and has to learn to deal with it...... he is already getting as much support in school as he probably would if he received a diagnosis of some kind. I genuinely don't know where to turn its consuming my whole life and putting so much strain on everyone in our family.......... :(

What consequences have you put in place for this behaviour?
Have you grounded him? Taken away technology? Anything at all?

Had he explained why he wants to move? Is he being bullied/threatened? What was he like at primary?

Taking his phone, PS controller, stop him going boxing/football.... nothing works :(

He says it will give him a "fresh start" because he thinks everyone has it in for him...... his behavior has gotten him into a vicious cycle (simple things like being asked to tuck in his shirt, he won't just do it and get on with his day, he has to get into an argument/have the final word) and he can't get himself out of this cycle.... he isn't being bullied, he is about 2 foot taller than everyone in his year LOL and has friends in all years. He was fine at primary, got a little silly and boisterous towards the end, but I put that down to just outgrowing the school and needing that new challenge.

He sounds unhappy - maybe moving schools would be worth investigating?

If punishments don't work you have to be careful of just ratcheting it up because you end up with nowhere to go. What you want is results.

But things aren’t working at the school he is at now. He obviously isn’t happy so why not look to move schools? Make it clear that he needs to play his role in making it work but respect his wishes.

Have you spoken to the relevant person at school about it? SENCO? They may have another school that they do managed moves with, and would be willing to follow that process even though it hasn’t reached that point. He may need to see the proof that it isn’t different.

Has he mentioned any particular school?

He says he "doesn't care" which school he goes to- he said (again in front of the head teacher) that this school is "shit" and everyone hates it.... it's just this rut he has gotten into....everyday is the same, negative attention, punishments etc.

He loves PE and I have never had a bad word about him in that lesson- he does like school, its just recently he has started all this.....

Why are you opposed to moving schools? You aren’t wrong that the problems may continue. You also have a child in crisis telling you what he needs and the consequences of trying his suggestion are low.

Managed schools moved between two high schools is fairly common there is often quite a bit of movement in year 7 in order to get the right fit - managed also means if it doesn’t work and the new school he goes back to his old - all done via the school and LA

i would also get support for understanding his potential neurodiversity and diagnosis and what that means for him and his behaviour

He might be right, albeit for the wrong reasons. A new school might be a fresh start. If he has ADHD, you won't be able to just tell him to crack on and sort it out. He will need support, therapy and probably medication. Your parenting style may also have to adapt.

Children like this often have a managed move as a fresh start.

It works for some.

Worth trying?

Can you use this desire as part of a behaviour management agreement between you and him?

• you will agree to put in an application for him to move him to a different school

• the new school will expect appropriate behaviour, following rules, being polite, doing homework. The deal is that he has to demonstrate himself capable of doing these things before the move because the move will be disastrous if the bad behaviour continues

• if he can't demonstrate the capability to behave well you will pause the process of pushing for a new school and focus on the behaviour issues.

• if he can then you'll do your utmost to get him moved, and expect him to continue to demonstrate good behaviour once moved

I once asked to move schools for a fresh start, my parents agreed and it worked.

The situation was bit different in that I was a selective mute at school A. With the shock of moving abroad and not speaking the language, I had become known as « the one who doesn’t speak ». I felt type cast and remained mute long after I had picked up the language.

The move worked, and I was my usual communicative self from day one at school B. I just needed not to be known as the mute girl as that would have drawn too much attention when I began to speak.

The commute was hard though.

It sounds as if the relationship with the school has broken down. His behaviour is too far gone for him to row back. I would see if I could move him. I would make it absolutely clear that if he starts this behaviour again in the new school there will be no leaving.

Op is it an academy? It sounds like there’s a chance it could be one of those pedantic schools expecting pupils to be worker ants and dishing out detentions for moving incorrectly. If it is I would sympathise.

No school should be issuing daily detentions to pupils.

If your boy was fine in primary I would definitely look at other schools- some of them have lost the plot.

What is linc? I bet it’s isolation.

You can’t treat teens like that just punishing them for basic stuff constantly like chatting without expecting any of them with a bit of fight in them to go full scale rebel against the school.

If it is isolation it’s pure laziness on the schools part because they just don’t want to deal with students. Plonk them there on their own until they break. It’s not teaching.

Ask him to write a list of reasons for why he wants to move. No stupid, lazy reasons like “it’s shit” - actual reasons. If he’s written something thoughtful/believable, then tell him you acknowledge these reasons and, if he shows he can behave properly in a school environment, you’ll find and apply for another school for him.

You haven't given any good reasons for not even exploring the possibly of moving schools. He's miserable and he's communicating in the only way he knows how.

I'd stop punishing him by removing his possessions. All you end up with is a teen with literally nothing left to lose so behaviour worsens and you don't want that

I'd return his things. I'd let him attend his hobbies. Removing all this just escalates it all.

And then I'd look into moving his school because I don't really think you have a huge amount of choice at this point. You could dig your heels in but I'm not sure what good it would do

Squiggles23
Just go back and read what the OP has written. Swearing and arguing with staff is not minor. OP I would try a move. If you go for a managed move the new school has the option to say no at the end of a trial period. This gives him the chance to prove himself.
However all schools expect kids to be respectful and allow others to learn. They all have uniforms and rules. He is not going to find a school that allows the kind of behaviour he is displaying.

I feel that your son is out of control. If a parent cannot exert reasonable pressure on a child to toe the line and behave within normal parameters then they are “out of control “ of the parent.
Id be telling son this and informing him that I shall not put up with anymore of his outrageous behaviour.
Next step is Social Services and a placement away from home!
This child has to learn to behave in an acceptable manner. He is blackmailing you, his mother, by refusing to change his behaviour and demanding to change school

Take a stern line!

I don’t know if he is blackmailing you or simply warning you that things aren’t going to get better at the current school. I don’t know why you are assuming a previously good kid has suddenly turned into a “massive pest” that you are telling no school would take. This has to be destroying his self esteem.

I would move him to a new school. He isn’t a good fit for this one and a fresh start is a good idea.

I'd probably give in to the move. Even though it looks like you are giving in. BUT give strict guidelines before he starts. If he gets a detention he is grounded/has no technology for 5 days or whatever. Tell him the consequences before hand and follow through. It will be very hard. Maybe school will assist with a managed move.

Now that would be a serious threat to make to a 12 year old to do as I say or I’m calling social services and you will be taken away from home.

Absolutely shocked by this advice. You don’t throw out your 12 yr old because they are having trouble managing the transition to secondary school.