12 year old practically blackmailing me to move schools... :(

[doublemint44]

My son started secondary school in September, and it has been MISERABLE. He started off getting in little bits of trouble (late for class, chatting, not doing homework), but has spiraled, I now get almost daily calls from the school, I get a text message every single day that he has detentions, he is rude, he walks out of class, spends ALOT of time in Linc, or pastoral, he swears at teachers, he gets aggressive. I have had to leave work on numerous occasions to collect him when he becomes "unmanageable", he actually walked out of the school the other day and appeared at my Mums house, and the school had no idea! They thought he was hiding on site somewhere...... the list goes on and its a living nightmare.

He now say she wants to move school, to get a "fresh start", he thinks if he moves everything will just magically change. I have told him HE needs to change and work on his behavior etc, as it wont be any different at any other school, he will still get in trouble for things, he will have to follow rules, behave in class etc etc but he is adamant everything with will be happy clappy, peaches and cream just by moving schools...... he has said to me he will refuse to attend, as he knows I can't physically force him to go "until you get fined and then you will have to move me"...!!!!

Today I had to go and collect him again, and he basically said infront of me and the Head, if you don't let me move I will just get worse until they expel me.......I have tried to reason, explaining that you can't just waltz into any school you like, especially when you attend one already without good cause...... that people would wonder why a kid would move schools after 1 year, when they currently go to the most local one, unless they have moved or are being bullied - and they would contact his current school and find out that he is actually just a massive pest and then they certainly won't take him. He just cannot see this- I have said if you get expelled, no other school will take you except the worst ones..... nothing seems to deter him and I am literally at my wits end with it all. He blames everyone/everything and will NOT accept his behavior is to blame (teacher hates me, that is a lie, I wasn't THAT bad, I only swore once, my mate was doing it but didn't get in trouble etc etc) he has literally wasted his first year and I am terrified what more is to come...

He has been accepted for an urgent referral to check for ADHD/ADD etc (he was fine in Primary, no sign of this coming at all!), but I have said IF he does get diagnosed, he is still him and has to learn to deal with it...... he is already getting as much support in school as he probably would if he received a diagnosis of some kind. I genuinely don't know where to turn its consuming my whole life and putting so much strain on everyone in our family.......... :(

I’d let him change.

you can get in a vicious cycle where staff expect him to behave badly, so are quick to punish, and he expects the punishment, so behaves badly. His mates may be looking to him to disrupt as well.

it doesn’t sound like things are going to change at his current school either.

move him.

i also agree with not stopping hobbies etc. he needs those to keep him from thinking up trouble. If he likes sport put him in something disciplined like martial arts, where he can learn to keep himself from reacting.

While well meaning, this is doomed to fail. I am sure he has already tried to be good at the current school but someone or something, or several someones or somethings are winding him up daily until he hits overload. He probably is not capable of good behaviour at the current school, but would have a fighting chance to be capable at a new school in a new environment with new people.

I agree his desire to be well behaved is a good thing, but the way to treat that is to move him to a school where he can flourish.

But if he gets diagnosed with ADHD there are meds and whilst he will still be the same person his reactions to things won’t be the same.

ADHD is a dopamine deficiency

Imagine the talking back means he gets a dopamine hit
Meds will give him that dopamine hit so no need to talk back

i agree with pp talk about a managed move … At this point it’s worth a shot .

re urgent adhd referral - no such thing . Look at right to choose . It may speed up the process .

Fwiw I begged and pleaded with my mother to let me move school
Her reply was that you couldn’t just run away from your problems

For me the problem was the school not me

It sounds like your ds feels like he has a target on his back and no matter how good he tries to be, every infraction, even when those around him are doing the same thing. It is him who they come down on like a ton of bricks
Move him and get him an assessment for ADHD and if diagnosed get him the meds he needs

A whole year of misery and there will be bullying. Is the new school within a reasonable distance?
Both puberty and neuro diverse issues pop up in year 7/8.
Id move him. My DD had four secondary schools. Two later shown to have internal issues that effected my daughter. She's now at university.

I reckon pastoral may well be sympathetic to a request for a managed move and try to help

No one wants to deal with a naughty child day in day out, endless detentions, calls home. It's a pain for them as well as you

Yes you may be "giving in" but a managed move will come with clear code of conduct that he will be expected to keep to, regular meetings and he'll have 8 weeks or so to prove himself. If he can do it everyone will benefit.

I did read it @cansu .

If the school is an an academy type then 90% might toe the line out of fear of detentions and isolations. Out of the others some will stop going to school and the others will start exploding.

If I had a huge list of pedantic rules to follow that aren’t real life then I might start fighting back.

Rather than the school getting the kid on side they’ve alienated him and there’s a fall out. There solution is to constantly send him to ‘linc’ whatever this is until he breaks. It’s not teaching.

Change school and see how he is. What is there to lose?

The kids who don't behave are not poorly behaved because they are asked to tuck their shirt in. This is rubbish.

He’s telling you why he’s acting up. You need to listen to him.

Move him. What have you got to lose? A fresh start may be just what he needs. New school, clean slate, can make new first impressions.

Move him. Sounds like ADHD to
Me. I have a child who is adhd and these are typical behaviours. They are wired differently

OP, I would move him. I know he is contributing to this problem but it also sounds like he has been "typecast" into a role where everything he does is seen in negative light, he feels resentful for constant punishment and telling off and acts out in rebellion, making thing worse and worse. It would be very difficult even for an adult to change everyone's opinion of themselves, but for a child its probably impossible - at this school he will forever be a "problem boy" and everything he does will be viewed through this lens.

New school indeed could be a fresh start. Do the right thing by your son and move him.

Definitely sounds like ADHD so follow that path. Medication will help once they get it right.

Also once they start being "that kid" it's almost impossible for them to shift in the eyes of their peers (and sometimes staff) to the right path. Some schools are just a bad fit for kids.

Ask about a managed move to another school. It won't solve his issues but it will give you the opportunity to give him the responsibility to change. Schools "swap" pupils having issues and see if a fresh start helps and TBH they can be absolutely brill. The arrive with no reputation or "name" and can create themselves afresh with new friends and staff etc if they have the desire to do so.

It will put the onus for that back onto him: instead of punishment you are handing him the reins and he needs to take control of his own future. If he fails there too, then you've got a whole different situation to deal with.

I would move him

BUT he needs to show you that he can try. So if he has a month of effort (obviously it won’t be rosy every day but he needs to try) than you’ll put the application in

You have my sympathies OP as I have a child exactly like this, except he loves his school. The daily calls and emails have been punishing to deal with. No sanction, change in behaviour management, reasoning helped to change. He was suspended twice and on the pathway to expulsion.

He got an ADHD diagnosis privately, but couldn’t have meds straight away as his weight was too low. Anyway, his brilliant psych started him on a different medication that doesn’t affect appetite. She could see how desperate I was. The difference in his behaviour has been miraculous. He said it’s stopped him from having impulses to do and say stupid things and he can think through his behaviour before acting. The meds started 2 weeks before the end of term, and I didn’t get any emails home.

My regret is that I didn’t do this sooner. Behaviours were always there but manageable until he entered secondary. The past year has been utter hell.

I have withdrawn my child from the school to have a fresh start elsewhere. Hopefully, we will have found the right dosage before September.

Please seek a diagnosis for your child and listen to him. NHS pathway is taking 2-3 years. Beg, borrow, steal if you need to get it done privately. The difference to his life and yours will be worth it. Please DM me if you want to chat or need advice.

I would tell him that if he can behave at this school for a defined period of time you will see if he can move schools.
If he gets expelled he will have to go to a school that he may not want to go to, does he understand that?

The issue with kids with this profile (assuming it’s ADHD) is that they cannot change easily and do not respond to threats and sanctions. I would think about a reduced timetable as he sounds distressed.

@doublemint44 , I am a school governor, specialising in admissions. As others have mentioned, you should ask the current Head to explore the idea of Offsite Provision (aka Managed Move) to another school. Hopefully local schools will have a protocol in place for this. If it is anything like ours, it will involve an agreement whereby a temporary move is arranged, with review points planned in. If the move goes well (i.e. his behaviour improved) the move can become permanent. If it doesn't, he will need to return to the original school.

I had a terrible time in school, I was bullied / people were mean to me . I wish my Mum had moved me when I asked. At 33 the trauma from school still affects me. I would move my DS in a heartbeat. If things don't change it's obviously more likely down to him.

So the child’s behaviour is appalling. He is disrespectful to his parent and teachers and causes disruption on a daily basis. He is now blackmailing his mother, informing her that the behaviour until and unless he gets what he wants.

And the solution to all this is…to simply give him what he wants. When this behaviour continues in the new school and he lays out a new demand, what should the OP do then?

He may have ADHD. Or he might be an extremely badly behaved child who needs to learn he will not be pandered to whilst he displays this awful behaviour.

OP, I agree with PPs - tell him he can move if his behaviour improves. I am shocked at the number of people essentially blaming you because you won’t just cave into his demands.

While I do agree I think its worth a try to see if he IS able to behave if given the right motivation.
I know its beyond some kids with SEN but not all and lets face it if he can't cope with his existing school due to SEN the next one (if thats even posssible) will be the same

I think the pp who suggested requesting a managed move has the right suggestion.

He will need to behave at the new school, knowing if he doesn't he is stuck back with the original one.

No it won’t be the same. Schools are not identical. Some are more SEN friendly than others, even before any accommodations are put into place.

We did this with my son in year 7. He moved in the may half term holiday.

It was a strange experience as he had gone to year 7 with a good attitude and good friends. He just fell apart. He couldn't seem to progress there. Parents evening was really negative.

He went to another school that had spaces and it was the right decision for him. He has made good friends and is doing much better academically.

Pick ups are a pain but I thought we just couldn't carry on. Even if it didn't work out any better at least we'd listened to him and tried?