12 year old practically blackmailing me to move schools... :(

[doublemint44]

My son started secondary school in September, and it has been MISERABLE. He started off getting in little bits of trouble (late for class, chatting, not doing homework), but has spiraled, I now get almost daily calls from the school, I get a text message every single day that he has detentions, he is rude, he walks out of class, spends ALOT of time in Linc, or pastoral, he swears at teachers, he gets aggressive. I have had to leave work on numerous occasions to collect him when he becomes "unmanageable", he actually walked out of the school the other day and appeared at my Mums house, and the school had no idea! They thought he was hiding on site somewhere...... the list goes on and its a living nightmare.

He now say she wants to move school, to get a "fresh start", he thinks if he moves everything will just magically change. I have told him HE needs to change and work on his behavior etc, as it wont be any different at any other school, he will still get in trouble for things, he will have to follow rules, behave in class etc etc but he is adamant everything with will be happy clappy, peaches and cream just by moving schools...... he has said to me he will refuse to attend, as he knows I can't physically force him to go "until you get fined and then you will have to move me"...!!!!

Today I had to go and collect him again, and he basically said infront of me and the Head, if you don't let me move I will just get worse until they expel me.......I have tried to reason, explaining that you can't just waltz into any school you like, especially when you attend one already without good cause...... that people would wonder why a kid would move schools after 1 year, when they currently go to the most local one, unless they have moved or are being bullied - and they would contact his current school and find out that he is actually just a massive pest and then they certainly won't take him. He just cannot see this- I have said if you get expelled, no other school will take you except the worst ones..... nothing seems to deter him and I am literally at my wits end with it all. He blames everyone/everything and will NOT accept his behavior is to blame (teacher hates me, that is a lie, I wasn't THAT bad, I only swore once, my mate was doing it but didn't get in trouble etc etc) he has literally wasted his first year and I am terrified what more is to come...

He has been accepted for an urgent referral to check for ADHD/ADD etc (he was fine in Primary, no sign of this coming at all!), but I have said IF he does get diagnosed, he is still him and has to learn to deal with it...... he is already getting as much support in school as he probably would if he received a diagnosis of some kind. I genuinely don't know where to turn its consuming my whole life and putting so much strain on everyone in our family.......... :(

Meant to say this was 2 years ago so he's now in year 9.

Just move schools - he has painted himself into a corner - he blames everyone and claims to hate them - he will look a right numpty if he admits he’s the prat and that everyone is quite pleasant and normal and he’s the bad guy.
If you move him he can become the good guy.

How does anyone benefit from keeping this child in this school because of some bullshit outdated ideas about forcing children to be distressed on a daily basis to what, teach them a lesson? To try and force a neurodivergent child to do something he's not actually capable of doing - being neurotypical?

Meanwhile his and everyone else's education suffers because of this stupid bloody mindedness. He's told his mother very clearly what he needs - to be out of the environment that is causing his distress. It's not blackmail for the child to say "i can't cope in this environment, but i think i may be able to cope in a different environment." It's blackmail to say "if you behave perfectly and ignore your probable disability and distress for a month, I'll think about doing what you want". At the end of the month, if he's succeeded in behaving more like a neurotypical, they'll say there you go, he can behave, so there's no need to move him - and you'll be back to square one, either the child will end up burning out from the stress of masking or his behavior will implode.

Honestly baffles me why some people are so opposed to listening to children and really thinking about their needs instead of thinking he's being naughty for the sake of it and that reacting to his specific needs is somehow spoiling him.

@doublemint44 how are things with your son now?

I think you need to show more empathy and sit down with him and try to get him to be more specific about what the issues are for him. Have you some ideas about this? As kids often respond better to direct suggestions than being asked "why". One thing occurs to me is that many secondaries are quite draconian compared to primaries and he might find that very negative. Or could it be about friends or lack of? Or finding some of the teachers hard to get on with? Primary staff tend to be more touchy feely in general. Or feeling he can't keep up with the work.

By being cross with him and telling him he needs to shape up, you aren't going to get far. Despite what many people think, over harsh punishments backed up by a lack of understanding of where the behaviour is coming from, do not work other than to build resentment.

Why on earth wouldn’t you let him move?! He’s hardly thriving where he is!

This. With bells on. Put yourself in his shoes, get inside his head. How would you behave?