Feel miserable and need a good moan! DS having induction at the school we got - really don't like it.

[localnotail]

Just that, really! Feel depressed and cant sleep so decided to have a whine.

We ended up with a school over 3 miles away, it was number 5 on our list (and it shouldn't have been on our list, but its another story). The school is supposedly "above average" but really is just a dumping ground for all the kids who could not get a place at their preferred school - no idea what area they cover but the school has no catchment and accepts everyone. Its a nightmare to get to (no buses go straight to it, a lot of walking through narrow back streets), would take over an hour and the school is located in a very high crime area known for muggins. They have zero phone policy, also not allowing money, so basically I will have to ferry my poor DS back and forth as don't want my 11 year old to wander through dodgy parts of London for an hour without phone or money. I tried talking to the school about allowing him to have his phone for travelling but they told me they have 1000 children on site and no one is getting special treatment. So I had to ask my work to allow me to go pick him up and got myself a pay cut for now (just what I need as a single parent).

He did not get into his preferred school as we had to move slightly further out a few year ago, the catchment for this school is tiny. We are 11th on the waiting list so no chance of getting in for September. This school is very impressive academically, close to us (15 minutes walk), most of his classmates are going there, and all the kids form the previous years, so I already know all the parents, our primary had a very active parent group which is now moving into this secondary.

I know I'm probably overthinking it but I cant get over my poor DS being forced to go to the school we got. He is the only kid who did not get his preferred place and no one knows this secondary he is going to (he is the only child from his primary who was unfortunate enough to end up there). His teacher was shocked and told me to transfer him to our local secondary school as soon as I can, so I will try - but for now I have to endure preparing him to go to the school we are made to go to, and try to make the best of it. The travelling will be a stressful nightmare adding hours to our day and screwing up with our lives. I know a lot of kids travel to their secondaries but they travel to attend a better school - in our case, we have to travel further out to attend at best, an average school. I feel very isolated and excluded, and try my best to hide my feeling from my DS - trying to make him feel positive - but feel like this is a complete shit show as going to this school is only going to be temporary but I have to act as if its not for my DS's sake. But even having to look into buying his uniform etc makes me irrationally angry - like, "why do I have to spend money on this shit??" 😂

So just that, really. This weighs heavily on my mind at the moment and I feel like I failed my child - either way, if he stays at this school, he will have to travel further out and will have substandard education; if he is going to be moved to have a shorter trip to school and better academic prospects - it will probably be around spring time - it will be disruptive and stressful for him... A lot of people are telling me "maybe he will like it and want to stay" but I don't really know how I feel about it. I just want him to have the best chance of getting a good education, and I feel this school is not going to provide it.

Anyways, thanks for listening. x

Our top preference school has amazing scores, and is considered to be quite extraordinary - believe me as its been talked about a lot. But yes, crazy strict. Also - some kids at our allocated school also got detention on their induction day, but not for talking or looking out of the window.

Most children who go to my DS allocated school are from council estates around the school and don't have to travel for an hour to get there. We are in London btw so maybe you get a better idea if you keep that in mind.

Sadly, in the area where we are, strictness seem to go had in hand with good academic results.

Why sadly? Parents don't seem to like strictness, but also don't like disruptive behaviour. They want good results but no firm boundaries?
Schools really cannot win

Sadly - because these strict rules originate as a tool for dealing with children who have behavioural problems due to the lack of parenting. Because the school have to set up rules based on the worst case scenario. It would have been better if the school could have been "reasonable" and not had to dish out detentions left, right and centre. But I can see why its necessary - my DS's Y6 class has several kids who are completely unruly and unmanageable, disrupting everything and arguing with teachers. And, sadly, they are the kids who seem to be completely "free range".

Well, most of the complaints I get are from parents who object to disruptive children and then others who object to firm rules. If you have a school of 1,850 children with 100 different languages and all manner of needs, with budget cuts year on year and staff shortages, believe me, you need to have clear rules.
Perhaps you could find a school which is a bit more laissez-faire if the strictness isn't for you.

I agree with you. Lots of grammar schools, independent schools and comprehensives in nicer areas can afford to less punitive because behaviour isn't that bad in the first place. This leads to a happier atmosphere all round.

When I did my pgce part of it was at a zero tolerance comp. A lot of internal exclusions and making children queue up in silence. Presumably the alternative would have been worse but it was quite a tense atmosphere.

Yes @JemimaGardenTrowel the alternative would have been far worse. Children have to be safe in school. You may think it's "tense" but consider the alternative.

I understand perfectly well the need for strictness and the consequences of not having firm rules. I think it one of my posts above I mentioned the balance and the choices we have between the school we got (less strict, not as good academically) and the preferred school (super strict, brilliant results) - these are the main issues if you put aside the long commute we have to our allocated school.

But I also understand that super strict rules can have a vey negative effect on mental health, and indeed, the reason I think we might get a place at our preferred school is because so many children leave in first year as they cant cope with the draconian detentions. But the ones that stay do really well...

The school in our area that are "laissez-faire" are not the kind of places I would ever consider sending my DS to.

It sounds like whatever school you get it's going to be a hostile environment. I hope he's one of the teens that copes well.

In your shoes I’d home school him and put him on the waiting list for three or four better schools.

I think the impact on young people's mental health where bullying is rife and there are few boundaries is far worse.
Have a look at the p8 scores. There is a correlation. I hope that you find a good learning environment for your child, they all deserve it.

There are less strict schools but they have issues with disruptive students, bullying and gangs.

That's what I mean, either way he's going to have to face a hostile environment to get an education. I wish it could be different for him.

Why the fuck would you want to send your kid somewhere where teachers "scream at them and keep them in fear"? You've just described an abusive environment.

Fom the pov of a parent I'd prefer to send my child to a school like the one I teach at now. There aren't many behaviour issues and so there is no need for any extreme measures.

There will always need to be some discipline anywhere that large numbers of teenagers are gathered together. But I feel that it's helpful for the relationship between teachers students and parents that I only hand out detentions when their child has actually done something wrong rather than over really minor infractions. Obviously it helps that the parents are supportive of the school in the first place.

And I agree with you. Well behaved children with light touch discipline comes top. But whilst that might be achievable in some schools it isn't in many and chaos and poor behaviour is absolutely the worst thing.

In the case of the school the OP mentions she wants her child to move to they may be getting better results. However that might be because children that aren't able to meet their expectations move on to other schools. Some of these children might not even be badly behaved. I have a few chatty, fidgety students who forget equipment and might struggle to cope.

Well, @JemimaGardenTrowel you're lucky that there aren't many behaviour issues.
However, every child deserves a safe environment. I agree with you, this should absolutely be the norm.

@JemimaGardenTrowel you are completely correct, the school pushes kids with what they consider a :tricky" behavior out during the first couple of years. As they get older, there seem to be less detentions etc.

I'm conflicted about this school. It's hard to know how well my DS will do there (if we get a place and decide to move). But it's a massively oversubscribed school and very popular with middle class parents (I don't consider myself middle class, no idea where I am class wise - professional and immigrant with a child who is English).

For now, as we don't have a place anywhere else, we are stuck with our allocated school which I keep telling myself is OK. Apart from nightmare travel...

Keep calling all the schools all the time, esp the one without waiting list.

I live a little east from Hackney, very thankful that it's not just academies round here, I do get what you mean though.
It may be worth exploring a bursary through the London Fee Assistance Consortium for a private school? He could enter at 13. Most of them will have the good discipline, but not be disciplining them through abusive behaviour.