AIBU? - OH shares videos of school we can't afford with DD

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This week we visited an amazing private secondary school that was recommended by a couple of my daughter's SEN assessors and teachers. She has ADHD, and is being assessed for mild autism, but is doing well at school and her teachers are delighted with the progress she's been making. She's therefore likely to fall short of any EHCP bar, given the pressures to reject these in all cases but the most severe in our area.

The school is beautiful. Rolling countryside, horses on site, perfectly behaved students, great staff, lovely kitchen, pool; the works. We dicuss how great it is on the drive home and I point out that, although great, the school fees are not only expensive, but when sending DD1 and DD2, they exceed not only our available funds, but also my entire take-home salary, which is relatively well-paid and about 75% of OH's. In order to send the kids there we'd have to forgo all luxuries and holidays, and also be unable to pay the repayment element of our mortgage for at least seven years, but potentially until our second daughter finishes in 11 years' time. We are both 43 now, and when DD2 finishes, we'll be 54.

Despite this, OH shows a brochure video of the school to our daughter, and a video of the (very good) local state school as comparison. There is, obviously, no comparison and DD now is obsessed with the school we cannot afford without enormous sacrifices.

OH shows this video without my knowledge and knows full-well my serious concerns about affordability. We have a sizable row about it as a result. I am absolutely seething about it and feel I've been cornered into agreeing to a school that jeopardises not only our financial stability but our family home as well. AIBU?

Also - you may be able to make the school fees work (don’t forget to factor in annual increases and potentially VAT) but what about all the extras? The extra-curriculars, trips, uniform etc etc - if your daughter is writing you letters for the school, imagine once it’s ski trips/trips to the US/Africa/Asia etc, hundreds a term for music/riding/drama. Not to mention that some, although not all, private schools have drug problems (certainly most of the ones around us do) - and they definitely aren’t advertising that in their brochures!

If you want rolling hills and ponies, check out Royal Alexandra and Albert. It's a state boarding and day school which has it all for a fraction of the price.

On another note, I went to a state grammar and my brother to a private school. I have never ever resented it or felt hard done by in any way. Kids can go yo different schools and be perfectly happy with it.

OP, I have a child who has additional needs and a child who doesn’t. Fairness doesn’t work quite the same way in our family as in other houses, and probably won’t in yours. It’s a good idea to start teaching your daughters about equity rather than fairness. They get what they need rather than always having the same. Private is not necessarily better, it depends on what the individual child needs.

In our case, our child with SN is in a state specialist school and our younger child is in private. We sent him private because we couldn’t facilitate the extra curricular things he enjoys or even reliably give him a peaceful place to do his homework. His brother hoovers up a lot of the time and energy in our home. He goes to a lovely school where he can do all his sport and homework and they help plug some of the gaps we can’t. That’s equity. Fairness would have looked entirely different.

On the dream school: be careful DD and DH aren’t being seduced by the bells and whistles. They are lovely but they don’t tell you much about whether it would be a good fit for her. If after a proper visit with eyes open beyond the setting and facilities this really is the place for her, then I would send her there. I wouldn’t set up the expectation with younger DD that she will certainly follow, or that it is better than any other place she could go. My money is that she won’t want to and it won’t be an issue. If you keep her where she is until she’s 11 she won’t be keen to leave her friends and there wouldn’t be any need to. If you live in a nice area with good schools then she’ll have a great education regardless. And if she does want to go at 11, then it’ll be 5-odd years of scratching to pay for it, but you could start to save now, offset the mortgage and see what comes.

Also, and this is said with kindness as an ADHD mother of an ADHD child, we aren’t known for our considered and pragmatic decisions. I’d suggest playing for time. Say you need time to think it over, and let DH and DD sit with the idea for a bit. Takes one to know one, and a bit of time may well see her (and/or him maybe - we tend to run in packs 😁) past the big dopamine hit of the novelty and the shiny video. I have reconsidered a lot of big decisions that someone less flighty (DH) has suggested I sit with for a while.

My concern with all of this is that you start your daughter at the school and then due to fees increases or changes in circumstances, you can no longer afford it. There are lots of threads on Mumsnet recently where people are talking about 10% annual fee increases - a lot of private schools are under pressure with staffing and energy costs, particularly if they have expensive facilities etc.

You daughter may really want to go to this school but if it makes your family as a whole financially insecure, then I don't think it's a good idea. Your lender may not even agree to interest only for such a long period, particularly if there's no plans for repaying the capital at the end.

You also need to consider whether your jobs are secure for the next 11 years etc.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about finances and present a united front on this.

This. With bells on. Your DD has ADHD as does mine. She will now potentially obsess about the flash school. She'll use every tool in the bag to grind you down. She'll write you letters. She'll tantrum. She'll talk about it constantly. That's ADHD for you

Not RTFT but is it an option to send one child and not the other? We contemplated this for our AuDHD son, whilst our NT girls have gone to the local all-girls state school. Numerous reasons for considering private for him and not them - we couldn't afford private for all 3; the girls wanted to go to the local (closest and easily walkable) school that all their friends were going to and is consistently in top performing state schools in the county (also Surrey); they are both capable of coping with life in a large state school; they got a place at said school with no trouble.

However, our son couldn't get a place at our closest secondary (all his friends did); no EHCP; academically bright but needs support to cope with sensory issues and executive function. Unfortuntely all the local, small, nurturing private schools turned him down, so we had no option but to accept the large, further away, state secondary he was given. It was heartbreaking telling him he wasn't going to the small school he had hoped to attend, and also that all his friends were going to a different school to him (noone in his large primary was given a place at the school he was given!). The silver lining of our story is that the school he is at is very inclusive and prioritises well-being over silly rules and academics (the academics follow when the child's wellbeing is cared for). They have given him support similar to if he had been given an EHCP and we are using some of the money we'd have had to find to pay for a private school to give him extra therapies, such as play therapy and a coding mentor.

That my my long winded way of saying I do believe there are cases for sending one child private and not siblings; and also that some state schools can well meet the needs of some SEN kids really well, so don't believe that private/independent is the only option. Good luck. (We are also relieved that the threat of VAT on top of school fees is not hanging over us).

when you visited the school - leaving aside the fancy facilities - what were the details of how they handled the adhd?

There is no such thing as "mild autism" but we know what you mean. Have you looked into bursaries?

I absolutely would implore you not to do this. My husband (civil servant salary) absolutely broke himself to pay fees for a Steiner school because his ex was so adamant that the child wouldn’t be exposed to computers et al. It’s had a massive financial impact that will be impossible to recover from at this stage of life.

Your DH is an idiot but I guess it’s a life lesson for your child. We can’t always have what we can’t afford and you’d be setting a hideous example and risking far too much just to give your child a want. It’s a want not a need. Be adult about this.

Please don't do it.

Education IS important, but it doesn't equal to an expensive private education. All needs to be balanced. A overstretched financial situation does no good to anyone, especially it's not what you want from your heart.

Children need to understand, there's a limitations what we can have as a lifestyle and we need to find a way to reach peace with what we can have in life and yet be able to find happiness/motivation on the path we take.

They would be surrounded by other kids who are in much better financial situation to afford any extra comfort or activities. Would they be able to not fall into the trap of envy and bitterness because they can't have? What would you feel if they fail to understand the vast sacrifices you and the family made for them (which is not an uncommon situation)? Would you feel regret and resentful?

I might be overly negative. But I see that path as a certainty to break relationships.

At least, that's my view.

Well said.

Does your husband has ADHD? Impulsivity...?

Ridiculous to hang your financial hat on a letter from a 10/11 year old.

children don’t get to pick their secondary schools … because they are children who don’t have the capacity to do so. parents pick the schools.

Good point

So your husband has used your daughter to emotionally manipulate you into a situation that will lead to you living in a financially precarious position for years and potentially affect when you can retire and your standard of living? Come on OP, you must see the issue here?

I'm sure your daughter would love that school, but unfortunately it is not a viable option as you would not be able to repay your mortgage if you send her there.

Why is it all or nothing? Can she not go to a good state but you spend some money on extra tutoring or activities that she would benefit from?