AIBU? - OH shares videos of school we can't afford with DD

[Bcmbc]

This week we visited an amazing private secondary school that was recommended by a couple of my daughter's SEN assessors and teachers. She has ADHD, and is being assessed for mild autism, but is doing well at school and her teachers are delighted with the progress she's been making. She's therefore likely to fall short of any EHCP bar, given the pressures to reject these in all cases but the most severe in our area.

The school is beautiful. Rolling countryside, horses on site, perfectly behaved students, great staff, lovely kitchen, pool; the works. We dicuss how great it is on the drive home and I point out that, although great, the school fees are not only expensive, but when sending DD1 and DD2, they exceed not only our available funds, but also my entire take-home salary, which is relatively well-paid and about 75% of OH's. In order to send the kids there we'd have to forgo all luxuries and holidays, and also be unable to pay the repayment element of our mortgage for at least seven years, but potentially until our second daughter finishes in 11 years' time. We are both 43 now, and when DD2 finishes, we'll be 54.

Despite this, OH shows a brochure video of the school to our daughter, and a video of the (very good) local state school as comparison. There is, obviously, no comparison and DD now is obsessed with the school we cannot afford without enormous sacrifices.

OH shows this video without my knowledge and knows full-well my serious concerns about affordability. We have a sizable row about it as a result. I am absolutely seething about it and feel I've been cornered into agreeing to a school that jeopardises not only our financial stability but our family home as well. AIBU?

Agree re bursaries.
However OP if you do ask re bursaries I’d make sure you ask what will happen to either the number of available bursaries or the % reduction when / if Labours tax is introduced.
As A lot of schools are reducing availability

Some schools give you the opportunity to put a charge on your property.
When you sell they get their fees. Not sure how this works with mortgages or indeed whether there’s interest added
but it’s worth asking if you want the school.

I voted YANBU but some people just value education a lot more. I think if we were in this situation DH and I would absolutely exhaust all options financially if we were convinced that it would offer DD the best education.

YANBU but do both of your daughters have SEN - would they both need to go there or could one go somewhere cheaper?

Otherwise, sounds like OH is volunteering to get himself a better paid job…

I'm very academic and value education. But in my adult life, the people rising to the top aren't the ones who have had the best 'education'. It's those who've had a stable foundation for success, mentally and emotionally.

It's one thing to consider private when the state provision is so severely lacking with bullying, pupils bringing knives, constant disruption. It's another to want it simply because of all the bells and whistles.

No matter how good the school is, a home life with parents on edge and stressed because of money worries isn't going to be an environment in which they flourish.

My gut reaction is that he was very wrong to do it, but on reflection it depends on the context. For example, if she already knows you went on the visit and asked what it was like, and he replied “amazing but no way we can afford it”, and in answering further questions he showed her the video.

But also, while you both have to be in agreement about affordability, you do understand that this is the reality for the majority of private school parents, right? No luxuries, no holidays, the entire take home salary of one parent, possibly an interest only mortgage. Or did you assume everyone is rolling in it? Obviously some are, just like at state school, but a large percentage are stretching themselves because state school failed their child.

Great post - well put.

Many thanks for the valuable replies here thus far. I think we will need to do a full reset on how we spend our funds and see if we can afford it, realistically. I think not paying off our mortgage during our peak earning power years is fraught with risk. The posters saying that education is the most important thing do resonate with me. I just wish all of this hadn't been accelerated by the sharing of the video at such an early stage - this is the first secondary school we have viewed, yet it seems a judgement on all other options has already been made.

We live in a nice part of Surrey and there are multiple "good" secondary schools around that we would likely be able to apply to successfully. Nevertheless I'm sure OH is right in that none world be comparable to this option. Our daughter wrote us a letter last night saying how much she wanted to go to this school so, now, we have to find a way. I also can't imagine a world in which we send one daughter to one school and our other to another. Just wouldn't be fair.

So now you are going to have to budget to send 2 children to a school that can't afford?

It sounds like he did misjudge it very badly then. I don’t think there is much you can do other than try to reset her expectations, and make sure you and DH are of the same page going forward. Particularly if there are other cheaper options to be explored that might still fully fill the need.

“Our daughter wrote us a letter last night saying how much she wanted to go to this school so, now, we have to find a way”

But OP: if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it, it’s not up to your daughter to call the shots. It’s current fees plus 5% annual price increase (on average, may be more) plus 20% VAT added x2.

I say this as a parent of a privately educated child also with high functioning ASD not likely to be eligible for fees paid via EHCP. Yes their private school is great for them but if we couldn’t manage the fees we’d buy in extra tutoring, support OT, SALT, psychologist help: all of which much cheaper than fees. Alternatively, could grandparents help? A lot of dc at my dc school have grandparents helping with fees. I’m sorry you’re in this tricky situation.

Our daughter wrote us a letter last night saying how much she wanted to go to this school so, now, we have to find a way. I also can't imagine a world in which we send one daughter to one school and our other to another. Just wouldn't be fair.

Oh for gods sake. You don't have to find a way. There are schools which will suit her.

You cannot afford this in any way. You are being completely stupid and irresponsible here. I wanted lots of things as a child, but I couldn't have them all because my parents couldn't afford it.

You are being ridiculous.

Wow. If you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. It doesn’t sound like it’s a case of ‘how you budget your funds’ on what you described. And I wouldn’t hesitate to tell a child of mine that the decision about secondary couldn’t be all on their preferences for a whole host of reasons - not only financial. But presumably you are actually better off than you first described it you wouldn’t have gone to view private in the first place anyway.

You can’t afford it. School fees will only go up with the VAT Labour promise if they get in. And just generally anyway. And there are loads of extras.

I would be nipping her hopes in the bud quite quickly. It’s not fair otherwise.

And your DH is an idiot.

Well if it's St T my friends mum who daughters are there says they are exposed to a large amount of drugs. Great marketing once in nothing - 🤪

This. Making financial decisions based on emotional blackmail from everyone else in your family is ridiculous. Long-reaching, serious, all-encompassing financial decisions.

Good luck as well if you get sick, your marriage gets into trouble, VAT, someone loses their job, there's a downturn, literally anything.

I shelled out a fortune to privately educate 2 dc through senior school. I do not think it was necessarily worth the money and I am glad that we were fortunate and did not need to make any significant sacrifices to fund this. These schools are businesses with effective marketing. Do not be seduced by rolling hills and ponies. I was swayed by the facilities but dd hardly used them. If your dd wants to learn to ride you can fund that as an outside school activity and save a fortune. You can also top up academics with tuition. Lots of people are private school are shelling out for this on top of the fees.

I would give your husband the responsibility of sorting this out give him the figures and expenses and ask him if he has the money stashed away somewhere or is he going to ask for his family to help? Dose he have secret investments anywhere? Apply to the best school you can that would meet her needs as she may need financial assistance forever. Having the house paid has to take priority. Go and look at another private school they all sell the same. marketing is good it’s not a school it’s a business you leave unable to afford it but wanting the best for your child as we all do. Look at the other schools this was cruel of your husband to do that to a child is he expecting a massive promotion? Don’t say she can go to her say it’s expensive and you’re trying to see if it’s possible. Could you apply for a bursary and scholarship.

I don't agree that you have to send 2 children to the same school. They are individuals with their own needs. Not recognising them as individuals and treating them the same does all children a disservice. Your other DD may not suit this school at all. I know a lot of parents who have sent 1 child to a private school and the other to a good state. The one going to the private school generally needs more support, benefits from smaller class sizes and in a couple of cases, more like your DD, has a SEN but not very severely.

Is your OH a 'DP' of a 'DH' ? It's a relevant question when it comes to school fees .

You're going to have to explain the financial constraints to your daughter, but perhaps you can point out some of the advantages of not going private. It might be very frustrating to attend a school with horses if you can't afford the riding lessons, for instance - it might be better to be at a state school and have some money left for things like that. Maybe the state school has some great school trips - which you'd be able to afford if not paying school fees.

@Bcmbc

You can't afford it. Why go down this way because of a letter? All children want a pony and a bigger house! Just not how things work.

ADHD & hyperfocus!

I think your original post was a bit of overreaction. It seems you can afford it with some budgeting so maybe your DH was not so very wrong to show the video. I would be disappointed but not furious as I put initially.

Because if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it however much budgeting you are doing.

Unless I misread it, I think OP is saying it’s all of her take home and 75% of his..

OP if that’s the case I just don’t think it’s feasible, unless you can either earn more or get a scholarship/bursary!