AIBU? - OH shares videos of school we can't afford with DD

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This week we visited an amazing private secondary school that was recommended by a couple of my daughter's SEN assessors and teachers. She has ADHD, and is being assessed for mild autism, but is doing well at school and her teachers are delighted with the progress she's been making. She's therefore likely to fall short of any EHCP bar, given the pressures to reject these in all cases but the most severe in our area.

The school is beautiful. Rolling countryside, horses on site, perfectly behaved students, great staff, lovely kitchen, pool; the works. We dicuss how great it is on the drive home and I point out that, although great, the school fees are not only expensive, but when sending DD1 and DD2, they exceed not only our available funds, but also my entire take-home salary, which is relatively well-paid and about 75% of OH's. In order to send the kids there we'd have to forgo all luxuries and holidays, and also be unable to pay the repayment element of our mortgage for at least seven years, but potentially until our second daughter finishes in 11 years' time. We are both 43 now, and when DD2 finishes, we'll be 54.

Despite this, OH shows a brochure video of the school to our daughter, and a video of the (very good) local state school as comparison. There is, obviously, no comparison and DD now is obsessed with the school we cannot afford without enormous sacrifices.

OH shows this video without my knowledge and knows full-well my serious concerns about affordability. We have a sizable row about it as a result. I am absolutely seething about it and feel I've been cornered into agreeing to a school that jeopardises not only our financial stability but our family home as well. AIBU?

Why did you go and see it if you can’t afford it?

What did he say to why he has shown the video to her?

It was recommended as the gold standard and I agreed to go and see it because it was recommended. I also wasn't aware of the fees until I asked for the costings sheet at the open day.

So you visited without kids and then he showed them the video, correct?

"I didn't see any harm in it"

Correct, it was hosted during the school day

I wouldn't be happy either.

Stretching yourself to that extreme just for school fees, depriving yourself of any luxuries or trips, is infeasible. I wouldn't even be considering it as it seems like such a huge expense.

Your DP is being extremely unfair showing the school to your DD, getting her hopes up, knowing full well it's unlikely that she's going to be able to go.

He shouldn't be letting your dd feel she has the choice of going there if the choice isn't hers to make.

But i slightly disagree with you on two points- firstly, I've never come across a school that doesn't publish the fees online so you could have checked.

Secondly, in my view, a school you can afford if you drop other luxuries is affordable. Going to a school that meets her needs will do her more good than luxuries and fancy holidays, in my opinion. But I know many disagree on this.

That's mean. He's triangulating your daughter, worse because she has SEN. That's actively damaging. Wanker.

I would be furious.
I suppose the only way out is to say that it’s just the skillfully made video, it doesn’t mean the school is so perfect etc etc You can’t agree to this if so much of your finances under threat.
Does your DD prone to obsessions? If yes, maybe it’s just this one now but it will pass/ be replaced soon?

He didn't see any harm in it?

So, either he is an absolute moron, Or he enjoys deliberately tormenting his DD by showing her things that she cannot have, or he is trying to manipulate you into agreeing to something which will ruin you financially. Ask him which option is correct.

I guess it depends on if you think repayment on your house is a luxury or not. I'm very concerned that in 11 years time we'll have the same owing on the house as today, and be in our 50s. If it was just holidays and luxuries I'd agree.

I see your point - the mortgage isn't a luxury, it's true. Your dh seems to think it's affordable so how does he arrive at that, or is he just useless with numbers? Do you mean you can afford it if you switch to interest-only, or if you stick to minimum capital repayments? You might still be owing money on the house in your 50s, but that's very common, and it'll have gained value by then so the proportion of loan to value will have dropped.

I guess my (biased) viewpoint is that I went to an independent secondary school. I was very troubled in primary school, acting out sometimes violently etc. But the secondary school met my needs and I gradually settled down, was happy, got some good grades and went to a good uni. I think in a parallel universe I'd have turned out much worse. My single mum couldn't really afford it but scrimped and saved and just about made it work. I wasn't nearly as well off as any of my classmates. So now as a parent I'm planning to do the same.

You've said that this school will meet your dd's needs - that's worth any financial sacrifice in my view. Paying off your mortgage for longer is a sacrifice I'd happily take- it wouldn't even affect my lifestyle in the medium term

How does your DH think you’ll afford it? It sounds completely out of reach. Surely even before you went you realised that as a family you couldn’t afford private secondary school x2 DC?

This is very foolish of him. Has he factored in the VAT labour will add?

Fees are on. the website so you could have seen those earlier.

You mention this school was recommended by some of your daughter’s teachers. If she currently attends a state primary this would surprise me unless you and / or your DH had initially raised this option was a realistic possibility. The other aspect is you don’t mention if your other DD has additional needs. Equality doesn’t necessarily mean the same. Siblings often go to different schools; co-ed, single sex, academically selective, non-selective etc. Could you afford to send one child?

There is a lot of other bills too - skiing trips, clothes, weeks away, school trips.

Expect 8% increase each year. Fees are not flat.

Or IF your daughter got an EHCP and named the independent school then it would be FREE. However that is a battle and it might not happen!

Independents aren't always the best for Sen either. They think they are but state schools can be a lot better.

At least they have done the marketing job with beautiful pics 🤪

"...they exceed not only our available funds, but also my entire take-home salary, which is relatively well-paid and about 75% of OH's. In order to send the kids there we'd have to forgo all luxuries and holidays, and also be unable to pay the repayment element of our mortgage for at least seven years, but potentially until our second daughter finishes in 11 years' time."

This is financial recklessness. How do you think you can pay bills? Pay for clothes and food? What about if the car needs work or the boiler breaks down?

This goes way beyond stretching yourselves. Will the mortgage company even allow you to do this long term? What about school fee rises and VAT? Kids get more expensive as the grow older too. Plus university fees should be considered in the longer term.

He should never have shown her. You shouldn't have gone to see it to be honest.

Would any kind of bursary or discount be an option?

I think it’s quite unlikely the mortgage company would let you switch to interest only for 11 years, esp given ages.

if you wanted to remortgage ever for a better rate, they would look at affordability and probably not allow it, so you might be stuck on SVR

Well what was the benefit?
YANBU OP I'd be absolutely furious at him

Does the school offer bursaries?

Also OP I don't know why so many people are suggesting ways you can afford the school when you obviously can't. If all parents had to buy stuff their kid was obsessed with, SEN or otherwise they'd all go bankrupt.

It's not just about stretching yourselves. Fees rising, job losses etc. unless you have a lump sum sat in the bank it's far more damaging to send her, and then have to take her out again.

This is about your husband stirring things up, plain and simple.

Has he even done the numbers??

He needs to fix it and tell your DD no. Make a new video showing how shit it is, lie, I don't know but he needs to fix the mess he's created

YANBU re your OH but school fees are always really easy to find on school websites. I second what others have said about bursaries, it’s been 5 years since we chose private secondary but I was most surprised to see that some start to offer bursaries where household income is under £120k (and this was 5 years ago).

Fees are available to view on school websites.
It would be very unusual if they weren’t but if they weren’t then you can always phone.

Just in case you plan to visit another school.