Private or state WWYD in this situation

[Clearinguptheclutter]

In a very lucky position, I know lots of others aren't and I'm very sorry about that.

DS has been offered a state place and also a place at a very academic private.
The latter was applied for in case he didn't get a place at the (excellent, oversubscribed) preferred state, but he did - we need to make a decision by next week.

We expected to just go for the state place in this situation due to costs (we have a younger child to consider too) but a family member has come forward and offered to basically pay for both boys to attend the private which is obviously extremely generous and lucky; this has somewhat floored us because the private was always going to be a big stretch financially, yet now that is potentially not a concern.

A good friend of DS is going to the private - the vast majority of his friends are going to the state. He is somewhat on the fence, preferring to go with his pals but willing to go to the private where he thinks the 'stretch' will be good for him. I think he's likely to do ok wherever he ends up. He's very bright but struggles with motivating himself for homework. Does well at (state) primary. Is more the quiet geeky one in the corner, not a particularly outgoing type.

We need to decide this weekend but currently both DH and I are steering towards the state option. Are we mad? The main pros and cons of the private (setting aside the money) we see are

Pros
-Brilliant extra curricular (not just sport which he isn't into). We'd really like DS to broaden his extra curricular horizons (which are currently mostly restricted to gaming currently)
-Hopefully a bit of an extra push academically (tbf the state is known as being pushy academically too)
-Not having to suffer from the desperate lack of resources seen in many state schools

Cons
-The private is a mix of fairly 'normal' middle class families and some wealthy types. We really don't want our child to grow up with a sense of privilege. In the longer term, we think it's good for kids to learn to muck along with everyone.
-We are not at all wealthy and definitely would not want our kid to think that it's normal to have flashy cars, fancy holidays, labelled clothes etc (even though we have none of that).
-Although it's an easy busy ride for DS, the catchment is very wide so he'll end up with friends all over the city. Whereas if he goes to the state the vast majority of his pals will be within walking/biking distance. We're worried about him (and to some extent us) cutting himself off from the local community.

Not related to the school but we're also not entirely comfortable with accepting such a generous offer. If there was money available, we think it would be better spent for uni fees or towards their first homes, but obviously can't know for sure that would be available in the future .

WWYD?

I would be wary about being reliant on the generosity of a family member for the places. You don’t want the rug pulled out from under your feet at some crucial point in DS education.

When you received the offers which one made you feel the happiest?

Also, these fees are only going to increase. Unless you can fund the entire placement and won't come cash stuck I wouldn't even stress over the independent (lovely girls left the independents where my girls are at this week and it's just sad for them and the class mates as everyone is so upset 😭)

Then you would end up in a random school.

Unless you got all the cash upfront I'd never enter the independents. Never rely on relatives for cash either.

Go state a million percent

Agree - go with the state. You never know what may happen in the future regarding the generous family member’s situation. Plus you don’t want to feel forever indebted to this person. Also being more local means he’ll have more time for non-school extra curriculars if you want to encourage that.

thank you, while this concern is valid it's very unlikely and if the worst came to the worst we would just about be able to fund.

We had your choice 5 years ago. My DD got offered a super selective grammar and a selective independent. We went with the selective independent for a number of reasons. We perceived it to have better pastoral care. We felt that she would thrive with a smaller class sizes. The journey was much much easier. We also had a background feeling that she would end up with additional needs/neurodiversity and would need extra support. We were correct and it was absolutely made the correct decision for her. She has been really well supported, the Covid online offering was amazing (she was in year 7 in March 2020) and she has a lovely little group of friends. I have no idea how she would have fared in the grammar, she may have been fine there too but my institution told me to go for small and nurturing. We have much less disposable income as a result but for us it has felt worth it so far.

Go with your intuition, you know your child better than anyone.

If the state is good and your child is a mature learner, I'd send them to state and ask for family money to be held in trust for university.

I would go for the state option personally.

Private without a second thought.

This. Plus VAT.

Where a state school is as good as you describe I am very pro state. They will probably offer a good range of after school clubs as most excellent state schools offer similar provision to private schools, they just have bigger classes and usually less access to sports grounds (not an issue for you).

He is also now old enough to take himself off to something locally (swimming, drama, chess club etc) so I wouldn't worry too much about clubs at school.

You have won the jackpot! Plus sibling rule!! Go state. If you don't like it then you can pull him before GCSE and send him private (there is always movement, always). Much harder (and more costly) to do it the other way round.

My DCs are still primary but all the families I know, with children who have completed their education and went private, are ambivalent at best. Some had really rubbish local state schools so it really was the best option at the time. One family are very open that they wish they had gone state and are in shock at how much they have spent (they started at 6K a year and ended at 6K a term!) They can see how little difference it has made when they compare their child to the neighbours children who went to good state schools.

Honestly you don't want to be able to "just fund" the stress within the family / missing out on holidays etc. If vat comes in that is passed to parents.

Plus it's not just the school fees I think we spent £4k each extra on trips for the last few years. You don't want to be that parent with the child that can't go on a ski trip / residentials etc

All my children are in independents but I'd defo go for state if cash is a worry. You don't want to have to pull them out that would be very upsetting for the child.

Good luck!

I vote state.

Really appreciate these responses

my head definitely says state just need to talk it over with dh and ds over the weekend just to make sure we’re all happy.

If it is an excellent state, then that would be my vote.

My kids went to private primary. A family member offered to pay, but then reneged two years in. Luckily we had both had promotions so could manage, but it became very onerous.

But my eldest didn't actually get on well at the school. She was shy, her friends were frankly all quite obnoxious, and she became a bit obnoxious by the end. She was always mid to lower bottom sets which killed her confidence.

We moved her to state secondary which is in a very mixed catchment, and despite a bumpy first year as she found her feet, she has thrived. She has lovely friends, is near to top of her sets, tipped for top grades. She has also seen real poverty, kids with chaotic home lives, who don't get dinner or breakfast. She very quickly realised just how lucky she was, and she became far more empathetic. She has become a far nicer kid since she moved.

Meanwhile, my youngest finishes private primary this year and will also go to the state school. She didn't have the same issue with obnoxious friends, hers are all very sweet. She also works well under the pressure of a hothouse, so she would probably do well if we left her there. But she is clearly bright, competitive and self motivated, so she will do well anywhere. She also hates rules so will probably fare better at state secondary where she wear trainers and have green hair if she wants.

I'd go for state - my bright geeky DD (who still struggles with motivation for homework in y13!) has done very well at state comprehensives.

State and nearby also means more time for other interests.

Having seen the odd story on here about families whose generous relatives suddenly had to pull out, it could be a risk depending on that money, presumably for upwards of 8 years.

Hopefully the generous relative might still be willing to be generous if later it turns out that private might have more advantage, eg if DS2 doesn't get into the great state school, or the state school doesn't offer the options they want at GCSE or A-level, or they're really struggling socially and need a fresh start.

If it's a great state school I would probably go state. If it were rubbish I'd go private.

I would have a chat with the generous relative and ask if they would consider earmarking some money for university/house deposit instead. If your state school is good and will stretch your child, and you will have the added bonus of all his friends living locally and him being a proper part of the community, it doesn't make sense to spend anybody's money (yours or the relative's) needlessly. Keep the money for later and give your child a leg up when he will really need it, and give him the gift of knowing how to interact with humility and tolerance in a truly diverse setting.

It's not just that though - the friends live 1 hour and 10 minutes away (closest one 40 minutes away one way) - guess who is doing that drive- me! There is an absolute huge radius as these independents go for miles.

State school local friends - huge benefits unless your in London and they can do it themselves. Or you can have the hassle of friends a million miles away

I'd go state (my husband wanted mine in private haha)

I’d go with state definitely.

For me it would depend how secure the offer is from your relation. Could it be withdrawn at any time? Might they need their money for themselves suddenly?

I wouldn’t hold back a better education from a child though, if you think it is that and you can accept the offer. The future is very uncertain and being as well educated as possible will advantage your child. State schools are not well funded by the government and there are consequences of that.

I think the fact that you're leaning towards state despite the prospect of private being fully funded means state is far and away the right decision.

100% state. If it's excellent and oversubscribed like you say, then it's likely to be shit-hot in terms of attainment and progress with state of the art teaching practice. The Ofsted standards are so ridiculously high these days that it probably offers education that's second to none.

Privates can be good, or they can be good for those kids that are already good - if that makes sense.
Also, what if the relative's circumstances change? You say they wouldn't, but you just don't know. And VAT is coming which will add on another hefty sum.

State. His mates are there, it’s nearby, it’s a good school and you won’t be beholden to anyone.

You can use all the savings to give him experiences and extra curriculars if he wants. And you get the sibling rule advantage for next time around.

I would be worried about the relative pulling out for whatever reason.

You don't describe how good the state option is. If the state is having difficulties or has a bad reputation that would sway me.

Which one would he enjoy more? What about his brother?

Sounds like your older one will do well wherever he is. School is not just about future life chances, it's also about simply enjoying the experience.

Personally I am very wary of taking large financial gifts from family members, they rarely come without explicit or implicit strings attached!

It sounds from your post as if you are more geared towards the state option. He has friends going and you seem to think it is on a par results-wise with the private option (?).

I would say, if the state is actually as good as the private in terms of results it would suggest you are already in an affluent area. In my experience in these areas frequently it is private school parents who do not have the flashy cars/holidays/mansions/flashy cars and swimming pools, but those who opt to send their DC to the Grammar or good state. I'm sure you have also seen this but I did want to put it across that for a lot of parents paying for an education is a choice they make over the luxuries, not alongside. There would not be a shortage of children in your position if you were to choose the private option.