Private or state WWYD in this situation

[Clearinguptheclutter]

In a very lucky position, I know lots of others aren't and I'm very sorry about that.

DS has been offered a state place and also a place at a very academic private.
The latter was applied for in case he didn't get a place at the (excellent, oversubscribed) preferred state, but he did - we need to make a decision by next week.

We expected to just go for the state place in this situation due to costs (we have a younger child to consider too) but a family member has come forward and offered to basically pay for both boys to attend the private which is obviously extremely generous and lucky; this has somewhat floored us because the private was always going to be a big stretch financially, yet now that is potentially not a concern.

A good friend of DS is going to the private - the vast majority of his friends are going to the state. He is somewhat on the fence, preferring to go with his pals but willing to go to the private where he thinks the 'stretch' will be good for him. I think he's likely to do ok wherever he ends up. He's very bright but struggles with motivating himself for homework. Does well at (state) primary. Is more the quiet geeky one in the corner, not a particularly outgoing type.

We need to decide this weekend but currently both DH and I are steering towards the state option. Are we mad? The main pros and cons of the private (setting aside the money) we see are

Pros
-Brilliant extra curricular (not just sport which he isn't into). We'd really like DS to broaden his extra curricular horizons (which are currently mostly restricted to gaming currently)
-Hopefully a bit of an extra push academically (tbf the state is known as being pushy academically too)
-Not having to suffer from the desperate lack of resources seen in many state schools

Cons
-The private is a mix of fairly 'normal' middle class families and some wealthy types. We really don't want our child to grow up with a sense of privilege. In the longer term, we think it's good for kids to learn to muck along with everyone.
-We are not at all wealthy and definitely would not want our kid to think that it's normal to have flashy cars, fancy holidays, labelled clothes etc (even though we have none of that).
-Although it's an easy busy ride for DS, the catchment is very wide so he'll end up with friends all over the city. Whereas if he goes to the state the vast majority of his pals will be within walking/biking distance. We're worried about him (and to some extent us) cutting himself off from the local community.

Not related to the school but we're also not entirely comfortable with accepting such a generous offer. If there was money available, we think it would be better spent for uni fees or towards their first homes, but obviously can't know for sure that would be available in the future .

WWYD?

All sensible.

I don't envy your dilemma, OP.

How well do you get on with the family member who has offered to pay? What sort of person is he/ she?

Honestly, I would take the private option. It's a lovely gift.

With the prep being better presumedly ?

Yes Prep is outstanding amazing! But the kids do miss the community of our local Primary school.

It might not fly but would it be worth asking if they could have the money for a house deposit instead, almost certainly a better investment?

My thinking is that uni fees and/or house deposit is far more worthwhile, for our kids at least.
while I’m sure they would theoretically agree to it, tricky bit is family member is healthy but elderly. Wants to be sure of seeing the money is put to good use while they’re still alive, and to enjoy hearing about it all now, rather than when they’re no longer here. And also wants to make sure as far as possible that the taxman won’t get their hands on the money, though I’m fairly sure there are ways to avoid this

I often see 'house deposit' being used as an alternative to school fees but they're a totally different thing in my opinion. The reasons I'm sending DS to private school this year can't be remedied by me giving him a house deposit in 15 years time instead. Not sure how a house deposit can solve for the challenges he's facing in his state education.

@Heatherbell1978
see your point but atm he’s not facing any particular challenges, he has the chance to go to a very good (from what I can gather) state. If he was, and they could be rectified by going to the private school, that would be a very different conversation

What about when the elderly family member dies? I'd only do this if you've got a couple of year's fees in savings, so you could manage a move back to state on your own timescale.

I think it is important to talk to parents of both schools if you can, to see what the views are on both schools.
Also consider why do many people bust a gut to give their children a Private education…? It sounds like you’re assuming it’s to be part of some elite club?
There are many reasons why it can really benefit your children; smaller class sizes, less disruptive pupils, incredibly talented teachers, bigger extra curricular offerings, opportunities for wider trips etc etc
Personally I think you’d be mad to turn down this offer (saying that as someone who’s experienced both private and state education)
All the reasons you’ve given to stay in a state school (be part of the community and experience poverty), they have already experienced and will take that with them into adulthood.
I don’t really understand what more the state option offers tbh…?

I have to agree with this one. My son actually enjoys learning. From the age of 7, they are attending individual classes on subjects. He is fascinated by science and history. I am also aware that grades might be even in relation to state level, but I am more into the fact that my son even enjoys odd subjects like chemistry at the age of 7. At least try it out for a year and if he doesn’t like it, you can move. Places always open up. Btw, in terms of state vs private getting into universities, it depends. If your child does a lot of activities and or placements, they will almost always get in regardless of if they went to state or private. If they don’t get in for undergrad, postgrad is pretty cool too for Oxford/Cambridge with more work based study and a lot more scholarships.

I will inherit their entire estate so it wouldn’t be a big concern

If you are to inherit their estate (assuming the private school fees would come from readily available cash) could the sale of their house etc when the time comes then be given to your DS as a house deposit?

If I had the choice, I’d opt for private school, no question. I think it gives you a certain confidence that state schools just don’t. I’ve taught in both private schools and state schools and the difference is obvious. Not to mention the connections and opportunities in the private school systems. Old boys networks count for a lot, and it might not be a system we like but there’s no denying it’s there.

I'd always thought private was unnecessary and pompous - my children have been to a wonderful state primary.

However, DD is now year 7 at our local state secondary and I would absolutely love her to go to a private school!

For me it would hopefully mean, less challenging behaviours in her class room, smaller classes for more teacher input, more academic stretch - she is able and bored. More focus on the arts as this is her real passion. More opportunities with sporting events and extra curricular activities.

I'd jump at chance to take private offer!

Old boys networks count for a lot, and it might not be a system we like but there’s no denying it’s there
I don’t disagree, but this is precisely what my dh doesn’t like about private school. He thinks our DSs will do far better in the long run if they learn to stand up for themselves and progress because of who they are, not who they know. He’s quite morally opposed to the whole idea. I have a slightly different view of things as I went to both state and private schools and I totally understand the benefits of the latter.

I really appreciate people’s different views here, I’ve thought of nothing else all weekend. Having had a long chat with DS and DH we’ve (almost) decided on the state option. Should it not work out we can definitely re-consider private (there are a few options nearby). Going the other way would be much harder.

and while who knows what the future holds, my relative’s very kind offer will hold in terms of helping them through university, and beyond.

Put it this way my friend’s daughter has just been told to go kill herself in her Year 7 class at a state secondary , I doubt my daughter or her friends in her Private secondary know what that means and the school and parents would come down on them like a tonne of bricks. The Secondary State is leaving it to the mums to sort out, go figure!

I was horribly bullied at my state school, to the point where I was afraid to ever put my hand up (always knew the answers and was bored)… has your DP actually visited the private school?
They are absolutely not all like Eton with the Old Boys network.
He really needs to visit and chat to parents, it sounds like he is just morally biased without experience himself

I think I would start at the state school with the view that the private school is an option at Y9 or sixth form if things are not going how you would hope in the state school. It sounds like an excellent school (you're very lucky!) but I think all state schools are in a somewhat precarious position in terms of finances/recruitment at the moment. It doesn't necessarily take much to tip a state school from "good" into "really struggling".

That said, some of these issues are also starting to hit the private sector and some private schools also now struggle to recruit staff etc. Some are also in financially precarious situations which can cause big problems.

It sounds like you and your DH want to give state a try at the moment, so I do think that makes sense?

@Postapocalypticcowgirl
I think all state schools are in a somewhat precarious position in terms of finances/recruitment at the moment while this is most definitely a concern of mine, the school is part of a regional academy that seems to be swallowing up schools at the rate of around one a year. All are improving (not all were good to start with). And of the state schools we looked at it looked in best shape physically- quite a lot of refurbs and some brand new buildings currently under construction. So perhaps I’m not too naive to think that this trust is doing ok. Certainly, teacher recruitment for this trust (according to teacher friends) is not a serious issue (yet).

Meanwhile DS is now leaning towards going with the majority of his pals to the state school. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll be in a fortunate position to move him out if needs be.

again. I appreciate all the different views on here

I can promise you this is the same in private. There was similar bulling at nephews very well known (woke) London day private. School did the bare minimum. There are mean kids at all schools. It only takes one.

What you have said is true. My relative is a teacher.

A good state school should attract teachers who want to send their own children, so they will have a few good experienced applicants who will then stay. In private schools there isn’t always the requirement to have a teaching qualification and they can, and will, fill subjects with unqualified teachers if they have to (State schools can’t).
Sadly in both state and private subjects aren’t always taught by those with degrees and experience of that subject, so they can only teach the curriculum and not expand in an interesting way (my relative has both the degree and experience and although relatively new to teaching is getting the best results in the department).
It really depends on the individual school and the confidence you have in the SLT.

These are the areas parents should be digging into when choosing a school. Not worrying about extra curricular or flash facilities.

Extra-curricular can be bought in very cheaply or carried out by onsite staff with an interest, rather than any expertise. Brand new facilities may mask what lies beneath.
Relative had an interview at very well known private school and wasn’t impressed with the current staff for reasons above. Also said that although the facilities on the ‘Tour’ were amazing, the classroom he taught in was shabby and very low tech. Had asked if they had an interactive Whiteboard for his teaching. They said yes but what they had was an old fashioned white board with pen🙄He said there is no way he would send his DCs there.