Y7 form change ?

[Dazedandcovidconfused]

My DD has struggled to make friends since starting secondary. (Had lots of lovely friends at primary) She’s doing really well academically but becoming unhappy because she feels she has no friends in her class, she’s with them the majority of the time (only streamed for one subject) so not much opportunity to make friends in other classes, and has had comments like no one likes you etc that are demoralising. I discussed with form tutor this week who was mainly focussed on finding out who has been saying unkind things to her. I get it but she doesn’t want make things worse by naming people, and also I’m not sure how focussing on them helps her directly. I think she’d benefit from a fresh start, in a class where she already knows a few girls, but would appreciate anyone’s experience or viewpoints, thanks!

unless there’s actually a space, then the conversation isn’t worth having because they are not going to swap your daughter with another in the other form

it’s one term in
your daughter hasn’t found her friends yet.
just give it time, encourage her every morning and when she does make a connection, encourage her and make it clear to your daughter than you have an open house to when she wants any friends over

at break time she presumably spends with her friends from the other class?

And presumably in a term or two all subjects will be set so she’ll be with a whole new group of people?

to this day i recall the girls in my year who never really made friends. They sort of floated around. It must have been tough for them not to have their tribe at school but thinking back to some of them, i wonder if they ever found a “tribe”

Well respectfully I’m going to do whatever I can to support my daughter in not ending up one of those girls. Of course she tries to spend time with the 2 from another class and of course I’m constantly encouraging without trying to make her fixated on this issue. She already knows it’s an open house to friend always has been.
Think I’m really clear on your advice from all your messages, thanks.

Are their clubs she can join? Our school is very big on having tons lunch clubs / afterschool stuff which helps kids find their tribe as well as them being mixed up for classes and streamed for some. It must be tough for her. As our forms don't do all lessons together, only 3, the numbers thing doesn't really matter. State comp.

Sorry OP I see you said she's in clubs - are they school clubs? Is it an all girls school? I assume selective if they then aren't streamed for subjects (a lot of grammars are like that)

She’s in clubs at school and out of school, it’s a girls school and it’s not selective, they just don’t stream except for maths, or mix classes…

No. It will continue as is! The school only streams for one subject.

Hope whatever you decide, it gets easier for her as that tough going

Thanks so much appreciate that

A friend of mines DD went to a girls grammar where she knew no one and they didn't mix the classes. She really didn't enjoy term 1 for the same reasons but it did get better as soon as she made in roads into the established groups

Honestly, there are lots of kids who haven’t made solid friendships by this point. Even kids who may look like they do, feel insecure about their position in the group or maybe don’t feel like they have the right group in terms of personality or interests in common. Things change. It may be that some of the groups that exist currently will break up a bit and re form and your DD will find her tribe then.

Has she asked anyone to meet up outside school? That can be quite influential in making tentative friendships firmer - it does take bravery and risk of rejection.

The school will think “give it time” and also (although they won’t say this) “maybe she’d have the same problem in another class”. Plus all the knock on problems others mention.

There aren’t any relationships remotely approaching the socialising outside school phase, even tentatively, unfortunately.

Yes school would rather we give it time, and maybe that is all it will need. It just rings alarm bells for me that she’s not connected with anyone so I feel maybe a fresh start would be the reset she needs especially if she was in a class where her friends are. And of course maybe it wouldn’t help at all. I don’t know.

I’d do what one poster suggested and make an assertive approach to the Head of Year about it. Schools are so different and what one poster is advising you might be based on their experience of a school which could be totally different to your daughters. My son is at a different school to his sisters and they operate very differently (both are state). The girls stick with form for most lessons, whereas my son has lessons with a huge mix of pupils from many different forms. I must admit I’d never heard of it being done the way it is in his school.

I see lots of advice about stepping back when they are in secondary, but I am in very regular contact with my son’s secondary and they are very responsive and supportive back, though he does have SEN, but I get the sense the school is very open with all parents. I have very little communication with my daughters’ school but when my older one was unhappy with a group she was with for one of her GCSE subjects I contacted her form tutor very quickly, she put me onto the Head of Senior School who rang me and I stated my case for her being moved, consequences for her of not doing so, benefits for everyone of doing so, and within a few days she was moved.

I hope you get a good outcome for your daughter. It must be pretty shitty to be feeling the way she is at school.

Thanks I appreciate it, head is spinning trying to figure out what to do for the best!

IIRC correctly Year 7 is prime time for zillions of chat groups including everyone and mostly about nothing.

It was really normal when my DC were in Year 7 for people to post "I'm going to be in xyz place at 11am on Saturday, anyone else going to be there?" Or even "anyone want to come to <whatever local teen hangout place is> with me?"

There will be an awful lot of very superficial friendships and a lot of people that might be very happy for a casual meetup suggestion.

She’s not been invited into chat groups so she’s not seeing those posts unfortunately, thinks she’d definitely tag along if she was. I agree that people might be happy for a suggestion but she’s reluctant to invite someone out who isn’t an acquaintance yet, I’d say her confidence has been knocked by setbacks like being told no one likes her etc, understandable.

How about she invites around the friends she has in the other class after school or weekend or arranges to meet them in town. she will have their number presumably?

She sees them regularly out of school already, as you’d expect. Doesn’t help with making friends within her form who she spends the vast majority of time with every day, and what can be done there.

HofY here

Moving forms at this stage would only be an avenue i would consider if there was bullying that had continued despite measures having been put in place.

And even then it would be contingent on there being space (there wouldn’t be at my school) and i’m confident that a new starter from the other form would actually be in best interest of the child and no risk to disrupting the dynamic of the other class.

Thank you! It seems to really vary between school. I know there have been moves last term, but I’m interested to know, if a child had not made any connections in their form after a term, was in that form for almost all classes, until year 10, was in clubs, was trying to make friends, hasn’t had any social problems before, what would you be suggesting as an alternative?

I haven't read the whole thread, but my daughter moved forms at Easter yr 7 and it made such a difference, she was so, so much happier. The girls in her original form just weren't her 'people' and pretty much everyone she liked were in another form. Of course there are still ups and downs, but now she's in yr 9 there's a bit more mixing with sets and so she's made friends across the whole year.

If you're not happy it's tough to be all day with people you don't get on with. I'd definitely speak to the pastoral team (my daughter was basically there every day in tears so they were well aware of thd problems)

In the first instance, I would be asking my colleagues that teach her, what their view is on the situation. You are her mother and understandably can’t comprehend why she may not have made connections. However that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a very real reason and it is down how your daughter is choosing to interact with others.

i would have a chat with the girls your daughter had named but a few unkind comments that had not been recent - i would not be too concerned about. Their response will be interesting i. understanding a bit more about the situation.

How many are in the class?

of she has friends in the other class, socialises with them at break time and also out of school… i am surprised that hasn’t led to any connections. The girls at my school at this age congregate at break and it’s mixed between forms most certainly

I appreciate that input thank you!!! That’s exactly it. Think it hasn’t helped that she’s feeling ashamed/embarrassed and therefore hasn’t shared with any staff at school so hasn’t had any support from anyone there.