Is this normal for secondary school?

[MintGreenPolo]

Is this normal for secondary school. My son started in September year 7 but every day is coming out telling me nasty things that’s been said to him, he gets called fat, told he’s going to be punched in the face and won’t make it home after school, he’s been called gay, asked to do Inappropriate things, and yesterday he was called a racist comment from a country he isn’t even from (I won’t go into detail but he was called a stupid (insert name of people from that country) is this just what secondary school is like? He is autistic but not diagnosed and hasn’t made any friends at all yet he told me he spends the break time walking around the playground alone in a circle over and over again.

You need to make an urgent appointment to see the HoY and talk over the situation. You should not let this continue. This is not what secondary school should be like.

He tells me the teachers hear and they don’t say anything

I would email the head of year cc’ing the school senco and his form tutor and ask for an urgent meeting. This is not normal. Good luck.

Yes that sounds like a typical comp secondary school. Dog eat dog. This has been my kids experience too sadly, particularly at one secondary school. We struggled on for a bit then looked at better options, online learning with social groups, fee paying schools, home education before leaving dreadful school. Kids very happy now.

Agree with above, you need to speak to someone asap. Your child is being bullied and this needs to be dealt with right away.
I wouldn't wait around if that was my dc.
Hope you manage to get to the bottom of this.

That must be very hard for him and you. I really hope it’s not normal and I would contact his tutor or pastoral office, however it’s organised in his school. In my DC’s school it was email and then maybe a phone call or meeting. You say he’s autistic but not diagnosed; is this because you’re waiting for assessment or think that a label is a two-edged sword and might do more harm than good? If things continue this tough it might be worth pursuing the diagnosis as a possible way of getting help or at least more understanding. Really hope you can improve his situation BW!

No, that's horrible. Poor kid. Can you email school and ask for a meeting. Secondary is definitely a shock. My DC started and has faced some issues from few older boys. I emailed the school and since had 2 meetings and the school dealt with the issues and handed detentions to the 2 boys. We were worried about any backlash so have spoken about seeking help while in locker rooms or during break times. Record everything including dates and times. My DC didn't know the names but he was able to find someone who knew. Best of luck, hope things improve.

Sadly, it does sound all too relatable. You can speak to the school pastoral team but unfortunately some of them are totally crap. They’d rather isolate the targets than deal with the perpetrators. The only way you’ll find out is by contacting them. Have a look at their report and see what it says about bullying. Is it a widespread issue?

My son ended up moving schools because of bullying, we’d to get the police involved. I’ve heard of another two cases where it was even worse (we were able to move, they weren’t). In the end we pulled him out and they sent work home😬 They’re not all as bad as that though.

I would also say the first couple of years are the worst, not that that helps when your child is upset on a daily basis. Things that might help: the knowledge there is safety in numbers, support him to make friends in any form, is there nobody he could at least stand with? He doesn’t need lifelong mates, just not to be visually isolated.

Also any lunch clubs he could go to? Even if he’s not interested in chess or coding or choir, it gets him off the playground.

I have worked at a large London state secondary school for the last 9 years. No this isn't a normal thing to happen to one child every single day.

These things do happen and the average child will get some nasty comment or abuse once in a while. Sadly children especially teenagers can be like this sometimes. However what you describe is very much more than the average experience of secondary school.

Please email his form tutor, head of year and pastoral officer in a joint email. I do this with issues regarding my own children or at work in general if I don't want someone to ignore a concern I have about a child. If you don't have all their email addresses look on the school website or ring the school and get the receptionist to give you their email addresses.

Sounds like my school back in the 80s.

I thought they had changed and put processes in place to stop or try and reduce this kind of experience for children.

Poor guy, sorry OP you've had good advice but you need to step in quickly.

Thanks all that’s the thing he doesn’t want me to say anything because he is worried it will make it worse. It is a secondary school in a very diverse part of SE London so wasn’t particularly expecting him to experience racist comments. He has also been approached a lot and asked where he’s from (originally as we are both British) then when he answers they laugh at him. He hasn’t made any friends and doesn’t want to, I’ve explained that he is less likely to be picked on if he has friends but that doesn’t change anything and he isn’t interested. He accidentally used one of their pencils and this is when he was screamed at and told he would be punched in the face (he thought it was the schools pencil) The boys are in his class so unfortunately no getting away from them they are also year 7. He isn’t able to defend himself he just won’t say anything which is something that worried me sending him here as the school doesn’t have a great reputation and I didn’t apply for it it was allocated to us as he didn’t get into the ones we applied for but I was told to just send him there as his experience may be different but so far it hasn’t been positive.

Aww your poor son. Move him somewhere nicer OP

Op my heartbreaks reading your post as recently we had some issues which luckily were able to raise and it has been dealt with but it was very traumatic week and was very different from the nice primary he went to. Is there someone who lives close by whom he could befriend and then blending into a friendship group? Clubs are definitely a way to make friends/confidence both in and out school. One of the things I have learnt is to tell him to ignore the little things and not react. Hope things get better!

It's not normal no. Not all state comps are like this by any stretch of the imagination. Demand urgent mtg. He could at least move forms and get help with clubs and friends in school. I don't know one person who has had this type of experience

God pull him out and move him. Don't look back.

There might be space in one of the schools you wanted. Maybe you could put him on waiting lists. People move and spaces generally come up, might I guess depend how close you are geographically. Otherwise, you’re the adult and he’s the child and sometimes you have to do something even if he doesn’t want it. You can ask for it to be dealt with sensitively.

He isn’t interested in being friends with anyone unfortunately. He was number 212 on the waiting list for his preferred school so think it’s safe to say he will never get a place there but I haven’t checked the others so will look around to see if any have space just worried it will be the same/worse wherever he goes. I will definitely speak to the school then go from there.

Very much my child’s experience - also Autistic.

Mine are both at a comprehensive secondary and this isn’t normal in my experience.

I think in any school there will be issues from time to time, both of mine had the odd problem in years 7 and 8 (name calling, unpleasant comment, a joke going too far) but it was always short lived and dealt with.

My DD found break time hard in year 7 before she found her tribe, she used to go the library a lot, would that be an option?

I would expect racism, homophobic language and threats of violence to be taken very seriously so I’d ask for an urgent meeting with the HOY. I’d also look at other schools so you know what your options are.

Good luck, your poor DS, sounds absolutely awful for him and he shouldn’t have to put up with it.

OP, it's soulbreaking to hear how he has been treated. From what you described, this school is a lost cause. Looking elsewhere immediately please.

Making friends is not n easy thing for an introvert, especially if he's on the spectrum. Can you arrange something for him outside the school hours to keep his mental health on track? Respect and being appreciated by others outside the school might prevent his self esteem drop to the bottom in the school environment. Help him to find something boosting his confidence and happiness before getting the school sorted.

Really sorry to hear this. No it is not normal. You need to speak to the school today. Your son is being bullied and it needs to be dealt with urgently. If it continues, do not send him in and move schools.

This isn't normal.

Ds is also autistic and hasn't had an experience like that.

Change school. Doesn't sound great.

Are you seeking an autism diagnosis? This might help with getting him into another school ie it might give him higher priority on the waiting list depending on school’s admission policy, which would probably be on their website. At current school spending time in library as suggested above good idea if possible, one of my DC had to become a librarian to be allowed this.