Is this normal for secondary school?

[MintGreenPolo]

Is this normal for secondary school. My son started in September year 7 but every day is coming out telling me nasty things that’s been said to him, he gets called fat, told he’s going to be punched in the face and won’t make it home after school, he’s been called gay, asked to do Inappropriate things, and yesterday he was called a racist comment from a country he isn’t even from (I won’t go into detail but he was called a stupid (insert name of people from that country) is this just what secondary school is like? He is autistic but not diagnosed and hasn’t made any friends at all yet he told me he spends the break time walking around the playground alone in a circle over and over again.

I've just read your update, I'm so pleased you have removed him from that awful situation.
I am sorry he has already endured so much bullying, and I hope he can settle easily into another school.

Is private an option? If not, then I would homeschool until you find a school that you and you son both like. Look for a good reputation amongst local parents, don't rely on their website.
Good luck

@MintGreenPolo im sorry to hear what has happened to your son. It’s unbelievable to me that this is happening in our schools. Well done for taking him out of that toxic environment.

How anyone sends their children off to secondary schools today is truly beyond me. Toxic doesn’t even cover it.

Im a home educator and ex teacher if you want to pm me for any advice or help on home educating.

The school sounds similar to the school dc was at last year, and I was in bits most of the year. dc had wanted to stay there at first as lots of primary school friends and his crush had gone to the school but by easter he was not in a good shape mentally. Fast forward to this year, new school is like a dream, really responsible and professional teachers and staff, children are much happier, any insults or physical things get dealt with in the speed of light. Touch wood may it continue. So yes, move him, help him regain confidence, and best of luck finding a new school.

That’s awful.

I hope your DS recovers and you get support in helping him to move schools.

Report the assault to the police.

Really sorry to hear your update. Don’t feel bad about not being able to afford private, there can be bullying in private schools too. My friends had to remove their daughter from private due to bullying and she did so much better at a local comprehensive. It depends on the individual school, not the type of school. I think that you have to be careful about taking him off the roll of a school without a place at another, as while he is on roll they might have a vested interest in helping you. Maybe if you posted on the SEN board in talk you might get knowledgeable responses for your current situation.

I would beware homeschooling for any length of time, even if you have time to do it, because it might not help his long term social development (it’s hard to do it well although some people do ). One of my friend’s sons was part time in school for a couple of years, with some home tutoring so there might be different options. Really hope you get something sorted, he’s lucky to have you battling on his behalf.

Sounds horrific...truly not my experience (a year 7 and 11)......not acceptable. Hope the poor lad is ok.

Your poor son. No child should face this level of bullying and ostracism and intimidation . It is so damaging.

This isn’t a situation you can be hands off. Ask for an emergency meeting with HoY and pastoral team and don’t let them fob you off. Tell them under no uncertain terms, if there is no change you will go to the Head and the Governors and Ofsted and draw your child out.

There should be absolutely zero tolerance for racism, let alone the bullying. The school needs to act. You are not just protecting your child but likely dozens, as it’s unlikely there is only one pocket of six vicious and illegal behaviour in a school with such low standards of behaviour.

PS I was bullied. Now as an adult I wish i had made my mum go into school but I mentioned it once and she thought it would “all die down”. It didn’t, but by then I was too frightened of the bullies to make a stand. Four years of hell, and I was suicidal at one stage. Please don’t stand on the sidelines - please act and help your child who is possibly unable to help themselves.

Oh my goodness, I’m really sorry to hear this. You are definitely doing the right thing. I hope you can find a better school for him.

“”I would beware homeschooling for any length of time, even if you have time to do it, because it might not help his long term social development (it’s hard to do it well although some people do )””

I cannot believe this old myth is still being trotted out in 2023. Do people still believe that home educated kids just sit at the kitchen table everyday doing worksheets alone?! Most home educators I know are never home and are always out with others.

In fact I’d go as far to say that school itself is an unhealthy and unnatural form of socialisation for children so I’d warn school parents that school might not help their child’s long term social development. That is certainly the case with the OP’s child.

@MintGreenPolo how is your darling boy? I hope he’s not too traumatized by what has happened to him.

This needs reporting. To the school and the police. Your child has been assaulted and even year 7s will be legally liable for their actions.

After complaining to the school, I would also complain to OFSTED. Bullying, especially when it involves homophobic or racist language is taken very seriously.

@MintGreenPolo you need to do something about it or this will be someone else's little boy.

Maybe it's worth persevering with the diagnosis so you know officially where the land lies and you be able to access other things

I work in a secondary school. These things do happen unfortunately but absolutely should not be the norm and the school should be dealing with it if they are aware.

Could you find out if there are any clubs he could attend at lunchtime? I run the science/stem club at ours and some of the kids that attend I think just do it because they struggle socially and need somewhere to be. The library might be another option. Our school runs all sorts of clubs - all the usual sports but also book clubs. Careers clubs, board games, colouring etc. even if he isn't interested in making friends he may find more welcoming and accepting kids there than on the playground.

I think that if the school is that bad, the management will be at fault, and the failings will be throughout the school including any clubs or special places. Having been through it, fwiw, my advice in hindsight is to cut losses asap - meetings will not help - move schools to one where there is a sound headteacher and commitment throughout staff.

So strange isn't it that when we think about socialisation for say, dogs - we look at providing lots of positive, safe encounters and experiences for them.
And when we think about socialisation for human children, so many people claim multiple negative, stressful and even violent encounters in large groups is the ideal way?

@MintGreenPolo your last post highlights what an AMAZING mum you are!!!!

please please report to the police!! That “leadership” team should not be managing that school !!!

It sounds normal to me, from ALL the schools round where I am. And we're in a "naice" area as well.

OMG that is unacceptable. I am sorry this happened to you and your son. I wish the school would take more responsibility and accountability for this. I can imagine the kids are also a threat to teachers. What a nightmare for parents and their families.

My son is at a private secondary. I can confirm that kids are utterly vile at secondary level.

This is why I'm home educating. I'd like to think it's not normal but it seems the norm at every secondary school around us and we are in a fairly 'nice' area.

My son suffered a similar experience in Y7 so we pulled him out immediately and have been home edding ever since (along with my younger DD).

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry to hear what you and your son have been going through. I second what others say about reporting this to the police. This is because I wish I had done so with my son - he is also autistic and went through a similar incident in Y6 where he was also thrown down and assaulted. I let the school "handle" it but the bullies got no real punishment except some time in a "reflection room" - they were out later that day.

Good secondary schools do exist. My son is finishing up Y11, he is on track for excellent GCSEs, and has friends. His secondary is very responsive to any issues or the beginnings of bullying and they also provide accommodations for him such as an early lunch pass.

I think your first step may need to be getting on the pathway for an official diagnosis. I had some people ask me why I'd want to "label" my son but in our experience the diagnosis has provided protection for him and has been so worth it.

There should be some Facebook groups in which you can ask about next steps. Check out "Not Fine in School" and that group may have suggestions. Don't listen to neurotypical people who waffle on "socialisation" - I cannot stress how damaging it can be for a neurodivergent kid to be forced to interact with "peers" simply because it's "social". I home educated my son for awhile in the primary years and have zero regrets. Sending you both good thoughts.