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Secondary education

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Original poster

Social Isolation

58 replies

Anjay1 · 29/10/2023 13:52

My daughter has been friends with 3 other children before they started year 7 in September.

When It was my daughters birthday in August, I invited all three children to Ninja Warriors and the parents to join them for dinner at TGI'S, which I paid for.

One of the kids parents put on the WhatsApp group that the kids are invited to her child birthday on the 25th October.
Two weeks before, she then put on the WhatsApp group that her daughter has decided to go ice skating with her cousins instead.
I sent the mum a private message saying that I have presents that are quite big and heavy for my daughter to carry and therefore
could we sort something out nearer the time to get the presents from me. Everything was all good.
On Monday just gone, I travelled 40 minutes to give the mum the presents. Two days later, I messaged the kum to wish her daughter a happy birthday and she responded and said thank you for the presents.
The day after, the 26th October, one of the girls put on her WhatsApp status of the 3 girls (including the birthday girl) a video of them celebrating the girls birthday. My daughter saw it on the girls status and was really annoyed and sad. I told her not to worry and things happen. 20 minutes later, the video was removed.
Yesterday the mum, who's child's birthday it was, blocked me on WhatsApp and Facebook with nothing mentioned.

Do you think I am right in being annoyed by the whole thing?
I even spent approximately £70 and this is what she does.
I've just checked my daughters phone and her daughter hasn't blocked mine which I sm relieved about but I really don't get it?!

OP posts:
Potterinthegarden · 29/10/2023 14:57

I think it is fair enough that you feel annoyed (I would too). People can be inconsiderate with these things and just not think. We have had similar situations in the past. It hurts and it is the parent who has to try to shield their child from the hurt as best they can. What can you do? Only play it down to your child (as you sound to be doing), encourage her to not rely on these friends solely, lick your joint wounds and maybe not spend so much on gifts in future.

JanglyBeads · 29/10/2023 15:12

The mum sounds really not worth bothering with, why on earth has she blocked you I wonder?

Do you usually spend £70 on a child's present??

TeenDivided · 29/10/2023 15:50

£70 is a lot.

I wonder whether friendships have shifted moving into y7. They often do.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 29/10/2023 16:03

IME, friendships are incredibly transitory between Y6-9. DD's friends at the beginning of any year were rarely the same by the end of the same year.

It's only now in Y10 that I'm starting to see more enduring friendships.

I would keep things low key on the present front and on the party expectation front. It's a nightmare if child has been friends with another and there have been expensive gifts and parties and then the friendship wanes but there's some sort of reciprocation demanded (whether actually said or not).

Original poster
Anjay1 · 29/10/2023 16:32

I do normally. The mum spent £5 for my daughters birthday but I don't to receive. I just don't get why she's done this

OP posts:
Original poster
Anjay1 · 29/10/2023 16:32

They only knew each other from year 7 transition day

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 29/10/2023 16:34

Anjay1 · 29/10/2023 16:32

I do normally. The mum spent £5 for my daughters birthday but I don't to receive. I just don't get why she's done this

She embarrassed.

Her DD is no longer such close friends and didn't want to invite your DD.
You rocked up with a £70 present.
They let slip on SM her DD had had a celebration without your DD.

Original poster
Anjay1 · 29/10/2023 16:37

So they only knew each other from July this year.
Why lie that's her daughter is going ice skating with cousins and then this. She was willing to meet me to give her daughters presents etc.
My daughter plays with her daughter all the time at school. I just don't get it at all.

The friendship group at school is still the same , my daughter and then the three other kids

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Onemoretimeok · 29/10/2023 16:39

It’s very generous of you spending £70 on a child you barely know. I assumed this was a long term friend from primary. My child isn’t in secondary school yet, but the secondary kids I know mostly make their own social arrangements, and buy presents from their pocket money, so I wouldn’t expect to be texting other mums once my child is in secondary. It’s hard when they get older, but I think you need to step back a bit.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 29/10/2023 16:52

Sorry but I wouldn't consider someone my child knew for 6 weeks (really, despite meeting in transition day) as a good friend. I certainly wouldn't be spending anything like £70 on a birthday present.

You cannot engineer your child's friendships in secondary. You can only encourage them to be open and friendly with everyone and have a wide circle in Yr 7. Friendships in yes 7/8 are subject to much change.

If that was my DD I would gently explain that she should work on making other friends and not relying on this group.

It's fair to be pissed off though. It's a minefield sometimes.

WASZPy · 29/10/2023 17:35

I think the other mum is probably finding you splashing so much cash so early quite intense. Sounds like she is backing away.

assignedmeowth · 29/10/2023 17:46

Could she be uncomfortable with how much money you spent?

Are you much wealthier than the other families?

It seems quite a lot to be spending for such a short friendship.

Original poster
Anjay1 · 29/10/2023 17:51

They only knew each other from Juky thus year on transition day to year 7

OP posts:
Original poster
Anjay1 · 29/10/2023 17:55

I've heard that this was ger plan from the start so I font understand why she invited all kids on the WhatsApp group and then pretend that its cancelled on the group to then take the presents to then block me for no reason

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SpuddyMary · 29/10/2023 19:45

Is your daughter well behaved?

Have there been any arguments or falling out between the girls?

There will definitely be a reason. I'd guess either the mum is not comfortable with you for some reason, or your DD and her DD have had some kind of disagreement.

StressedMumOf2Girls · 29/10/2023 20:45

I wouldn't even spend £70 on my daughter's primary friends honestly. If you're in a financially comfortable position and/or don't think it's a huge amount then you do you.

Friendships is Year 7 tend to move and mix and may not settle until the end of the year. And children tend to have different moods and whims. Your daughter might have upset the other by saying "I don't like your pencil case" or something. Petty things like that which aren't a big deal to us but are at that age.

You've got every right to be annoyed by it but all you can do is encourage your DD to talk to more people and don't hold onto just a handful of people.

Original poster
Anjay1 · 30/10/2023 08:06

There's been no arguments. All the kids, including my child are well behaved. They are at a grammar school so it's very strict.

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Startagainjanuary · 30/10/2023 08:08

Is there a big income divide between your families?

Brendabigbaps · 30/10/2023 08:10

I think the mum has blocked you etc because she’s embarrassed by her own behaviour. She’s been caught out in a lie.

Original poster
Anjay1 · 30/10/2023 08:42

She actually earns alot more. All if them do and have degree jobs where as I'm just an admin person

OP posts:
Original poster
Anjay1 · 30/10/2023 08:44

Yes, this makes sense.

My daughter wants to give a small gift to her friends for Christmas.
I really don't know what to do because I don't want to single this child out like her mother did to mine but the way she has been, what dies she expect
It's 3 for 2 in boots and only comes up to £22 for all three gifts...

OP posts:
slopsan · 30/10/2023 08:49

Stop spending money on children who don't want to be friends with your child!

She can't buy friends

Original poster
Anjay1 · 30/10/2023 08:51

The other two girls are my daughters friends. It's just the other mum and her child

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MarchingFrogs · 30/10/2023 08:52

Anjay1 · 30/10/2023 08:42

She actually earns alot more. All if them do and have degree jobs where as I'm just an admin person

In that case, @Brendabigbaps ' suggestion is the most likely; excluding your DD was a rather horrid thing to do, and bound to come out sometime, even without the video, from something that one of the girls said at school. And rather baffling, if it appears that the girls themselves are all still friendly.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 30/10/2023 08:53

£70 is a huge amount to spend. We are comfortably off and I wouldn’t spend that much on my nieces or nephews’ birthdays. Very expensive gifts make people feel uncomfortable. I appreciate that there is a bit more going on here but you need to rethink the amount you are spending on birthday gifts.